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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Too emotionally damaged to trust men?      Home login  
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 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 51
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

The hard part was knowing that I could never hurt her and not being given a chance to prove it and knowing how happy she had been with me before she got overwhelmed with worries.


this happens a lot with people who have trust issues... it is painful when things are wonderful and then they are over and it is all literally people taking what if scenarios a hundred miles an hour forward.


Anyone who is still healing and has trust issues; those who are involved with them have to know what htey are facing...

it can be incredibly difficult being on the receiving end of someone who is into mental fight or flight. Fear is an almost physical entity that can do a ton of damage...

Because what "we" know? Doesn't matter when what "they" fear are 60 foot tall monsters in their mind..
 doUwant2dance
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 52
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History
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 2:31:10 PM
Ask yourself this question: A year from now what which will be your biggest regret, going for it, failing, and living with the pain, or playing it safe and loosing by default living with the knowledge that you were unwilling to take a chance?

To paraphrase Patrick Henry, as for me give me love or give me . . . I am much older than you and my greatest regrets came when confronted with a chance for love I fail to "go all in."
 okiehairstylist
Joined: 6/11/2012
Msg: 53
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 2:36:28 PM
I didn't read through all the posts... but I think if you just keep in your mind that not all guys are jerk faces and there are still good men out there you will be just fine! All good things come to those with patience and understanding! Good luck!
 J_bird61
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 54
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 3:06:26 PM
Cici-
Maybe look at it like this. You don't have to trust someone all the way, right off the bat.
Look at it like you're going to be giving it out in small increments rather than feeling pressure to blindly trust fully from the start.
Be guarded but not paranoid. Maybe tell your guy it will take some time for you to feel totally comfortable.
Think of ideas that are reasonable that you could present that would help you to learn to trust him.
Ask him if it would be ok with him if you asked him questions when you might be feeling unsure.

I think asking a man for reassurance is reasonable.
If you find you have a need to check up on him, I think that should be a gauge of how comfortable you are.
There's alot of scum bags out there who have no idea of this issue. But if you've found one who does, he should be willing to answer reasonable questions and chat about expectations in the trust arena.
Voice your expectations - this is one of the areas where I think people don't communicate and negotiate well enough.
 Broomhilda_the_Nun
Joined: 4/16/2012
Msg: 55
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 3:27:20 PM
Trust is good, and important, but more important than trusting him
is
Trusting in yourself. That if it ends for whatever reason, you'll be OK.
And you will.
Look at you! All you've accomplished; overcome; survived already.

For you to trust blindly now would seem (to me) a lot like a woman from a small town who went shopping in the big city and had her purse snatched off her shoulder. Then next trip, went skipping right out again without precaution.

You can keep yourself protected, without worrying or thinking mistrustful thoughts.

The equivalent of tucking your purse under your arm
would be to put on the brakes now while you still can stop this runaway train.

Two months is too soon to be talking about moving in for anyone. If he's really real, he can wait.

I wouldn't say necessarily run the other way at talk of moving in, because talk is talk.
But if he starts to pressure you -- nothing good can come of giving in.
 Newport_Beach_Boy
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 56
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 4:50:00 PM
Each person is an individual. Yeah, I've been raked over the coals, too, but I don't judge the future by what others have done. Learn from it, grow from it, yes, but tar someone else with it who has not wronged me? No way.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 57
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History
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 5:52:26 PM
You've been seeing each other for 2 months and he's hinting at moving in? That would be a big red flag.

As for you getting over past hurts - those who do not learn from their history are doomed to repeat it. If you know you've learned from your past relationships, you will feel confident that you won't make the same mistakes again.

Have you thought about seeing a counselor?
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 58
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 7:36:14 PM
I suggest you see a good, licensed counselor to help you heal. Ask your doctor to recommend a counselor. You may need to try a few different counselors before find someone you trust. Good luck, dear.

I understand your pain after growing up with a critical, alcoholic father. My first husband, a medical doctor, sexually and emotionally abused me. Counseling helped me tremendously.
 IMightBeAllYours...
Joined: 5/15/2012
Msg: 59
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 10:13:44 PM
damn...whoever said you looked good for 44 hit it right on the nail. wow. what's your secret? (talking to the OP here)
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 60
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History
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/20/2012 12:10:46 AM
First off, I am sorry that you've had those terrible experiences. What doesn't kill ya makes you stronger ,
or some such sh*t.

Opie, I'm going to say something you don't want to hear. I'm going to tell you what it took me 6 long years
of playing the victim/being a victim/using it as an excuse finally taught me.

You're only a victim if you allow yourself to be. Wallowing in self-pity and grabbing the "victim" excuse
every time things get a little too hard, or real, or honest is a cop out and you're better than that. So stop
pulling the familiar cloak of fear and misery around you instead of dealing with what you're FEELING .


It's clear to me that you have not dealt with the repercussions of your previous relationships. You have no idea how they really affected you because you turn a blind eye, pull on the cloak, and slide into the next one. When it fails (and it is inevitable that it will unless YOU change) you once again wrap the victim cloak around yourself, never taking responsibility for how your actions contributed to the demise of yet another relationship .

Opie, the only damn thing you need to do is figure out the best way for you (therapy, a friend, on your own, whatever) to take ownership of your part in every single bad relationship/experience that's happened, DEAL with it (this will NOT happen overnight!), and figure out who the hell you are. Cause girl, you don't have a clue. You haven't really dealt with anything that's happened to you, you just pile the latest one onto your victim cloak and bear your burden.


I'm gonna yell a bit now: TAKE OFF THE DAMN CLOAK!

It's gonna hurt like hell for awhile but you will never regret it. The only one victimizing you is YOU .

I don't say this to hurt you. I say this because in many ways I am YOU. And I am pissed off that I spent so long
wallowing and carrying my cross of shame instead of waking the hell up and dealing with it. I'm not a f*cking victim
anymore, and I accept that I allowed myself to be treated that way. No matter what he did to me, it was my acceptance of the victim role that gave him all his power.

I hope you take what I've said seriously Opie. As great as this guy may be, it won't work. None will until you face yourself and move on. You know that's true.
 RonMcDon73
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 61
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 2:51:24 AM

Cici cannot have forced any men to become jaded and players, as men make their own choices about how to behave. That's not within Cici's control.

That's totally illogical and unreasonable to say that, not to mention, completely unhelpful.


So logically there are no victims in the world and the men didn't cause her to have these issues? (rape victims, people who have been physically assaulted, molested, been robbed etc...might have a difference of opinion) Also logically if Cici caused these issues all by herself it wasn't other men that did it to her so she should transfer her fear of relationship and trusts from men in her past...to herself (because she made her own choices-like men do). That's the villain in all this right? That's real logic if that's the thought process chosen.

People do help cause issues in others because what one does in a relationship affects the other. If a person decides to stick around in a bad situation it will make the issues worse. This also means that dealing with women with tons of issues causes the emotional infection to others if they stick around trying to be a good mate for any amount of significant time. It's a self defeating circular virus of life. The only way to prevent it is fix the issues before exposing anyone else to them.

Interesting to see the damage on this thread. Forums are great for picking out bunny boilers. :) Doesn't affect me of course, but a helpful side note for the active hunters.

It's been a few months, how's the relationship going Cici?
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 62
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Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 3:07:09 AM
CiCi what will also help is to learn how your brain works, what chemicals flow when you are calm and trusting and what agitates you and keeps you on a sense of alertness/fear.
.
You can control your brain and make the feel good ones flow.

You can stop that fight, flight, or freeze fearful reactions.

You can re wire you thinking.

You can trust again.

There are many tricks;
looking at pictures of baby's
hugging
classical music
yoga
good food,
quiet
nature.

There are things to avoid; cell phones, high speed video images, violent pictures, poor garbage food and toxic chemicals AND rehashing!

Please look into the science of your brain, it WILL help you more than wishful thinking, beating yourself up, remembering and talking about it or playing house.

I am also a survivor and this has helped me.
Going over it over and over or discussing it doesn't help much except maybe to understand you were a victim and know why you feel the way you do.
But to move on and trust again.... changing how we make our mind behaves is the most effective way.

Keep us posted please, we care.
 4x4fan
Joined: 4/29/2011
Msg: 63
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 6:01:54 AM
Good, then do NOT ruin it. Don't!!!!! You hear me.....DON'T ruin it!!!!

We've all had past relationships. He has too. Relationships may end, and when they do they end because of something bad. If the "bad" didn't creep in then the relationship wouldn't end, right? No relationship end because things were going great. That wouldn't make sense.
Do NOT bother him with telling him all about your past failures, and past guys, and how horrible they treated you, and how much you endured...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, ....if anything, that will only hurt his confidence in dating you because he'll think that you are only with him to get over those bad relationships. He'll think he's your "band-aide" until you feel good enough to once again dump the good guy and go after the bad guy in an attempt to "fix" the bad guy and make up for daddy not showing you the attention and love you probably didn't have as a little girl.

Oh...and don't blame the "players" as you call them because you picked 'em cup cake!!!!

If you're that trouble by your past then you need to stop dating anyone and get professional help instead of going thru this merry-go-round of men only to have the cycle repeat itself.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 64
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 6:51:09 AM
2 months is hardly long enough to know someones intentions let alone to be sure of yours that he's special. I'm sure you felt the same of the last 3 that supposedly left you so emotionally scared & here you are contemplating it again. Learn from your mistakes. Too much too fast is probably why you have trust issues to begin with. Slow your roll & his. If more is meant to be it can wait 6 months to a year. You need fixing emotionally & a new beau isn't it.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 65
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 7:05:12 AM
Firstly, you try to attribute your emotional unhealthiness to this :

Now my problem is I dated on pof for a year before meeting him and the 3 short-lived relationships I had in that time were horrible & left me scarred.


I knew that could not account for your issues and, sure enough, you let it drop:

I really have problems trusting anyone is sincere or believing what they say. I was married for 18 yrs to an emotionally abusive husband who made me extremely unhappy, have been molested as a child & had an attempted rape by my best friend's husband so I just don't trust men in general. All the bad dating experiences I've had with all varieties of players has only made it worse.


Have you been honest with your BF about the extent of your emotional, psychological and spiritual damage, or are you trying to blame it on the Pof dates?

Your brand of "issues" requires professional intervention.
I suggest you spill the beans (he needs to know the extent of your problems) and assure the BF you care for him and intend to get professional help, so that your past does not impede the future you two may have together.
 Keeper_of_Secrets
Joined: 5/16/2012
Msg: 66
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 8:19:27 AM
Op,
Are you still with us or have you left?
 BlacKONWhite00
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 67
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 8:32:22 AM
I agree with Aspenjack

Self fulfilling prophecies are real and the more you think something is going to happen...trust me , it will happen
Rather than telling yourself everyday that he won't be around for long, keep telling yourself that he will be around for as long as you want him to be.

I am thinking thats why most people online have so much trouble, we all keep thinking the same things over and over and if you don't change your thinking, you will never change your circumstances
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 68
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 9:09:23 AM
Yes I have made some bad choices in men, but I swear my friends met them & thought they were nice guys, so I was not the only one who was fooled by them. I prefer to think of it as I've had a string of bad luck. Maybe it is my own fault, my picker. I know I am too nice; but there is someone out there for everyone and someone who will appreciate me for who I am. I think I have found him now.




Notice that the previous guys all started as good guys that managed to fool you and full your friends. So I think you need to examine what is the constant in all this. And that is you. I say that not to point the accusatory finger at you and say bad girl. But because when we examine what is inside, we can learn what to change in the outside. And as some people have pointed out, because of your issues of trust, eventually you will have a self fulfilling prophesy. And those are real.

So let's start with the ugly stuff. Every single person that has been an abuser, whether physical, emotional or in the form than now is also consider abuse – abandonment– have one thing in common. They all have been abused themselves. Which also means that every single person that has been abused, at some point, can become an abuser. So what happens is that they do not think they are doing anything wrong, and are living scripts such as "look at what you made me do," "Don't make me do this thing..." and so on. The victims of these people also tend to follow scripts, such as "I can't trust men," "I have been abused so many times that..." "Why do I always find the bad guys."

The problem is this. Are you ready to hear it? It's called Karpets Drama Triangle. Google it, so you are not dependent on my definition but the definition that professionals give it. This is what happens. You as a victim, find yourself a wonderful guy, there's nothing wrong with him, he is awesome. He is a Rescuer, because he does not do any of the bad things that the other guys you were attracted too, abusers, or as their role is called "perpetrators." The problem is that because each one has unfulfilled and unresolved issues from their past. In your case, you inability to trust men, which means an inability to trust your self and your own choices, and as you said, the detriment of your self-esteem, you keep playing the script, until something falters and you or him become the other roles. In other words. The victim becomes the perpetrator. The rescuer becomes the victim. The rescuer becomes the perpetrator. Each person, eventually cycles through the three roles. And you history repeats itself.

Half of the problem is you. Recognizing that is the most difficult thing to do. I do advice therapy. I admit that I am in therapy right now, and the lady that I am going out with right now knows it. Once you start breaking the cycles, and understanding the scripts that lead to discontent, sarcasm, and eventually the emotional abuse, you are bound to repeat them, even with this wonderful new guy.



Also I dont think I need a man or am defined by having a man. It's just that I'm happier when I have a significant other; that's how I'm wired. Remember too I was in a very long unhappy marriage & I didnt love or feel loved for many years; so I'm ready for it now. I am an only child and my dad passed away so it's just me and my mom.


Very interesting statement. And you are right, there's nothing wrong with being in a relationship. It's not about becoming dependent, but interdependent. Were your parents emotionally connected or emotionally distant? Did they welcome the expression of negative and positive emotions? Did they discourage the expression of negative emotions?
 KingofSnuggles
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 69
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History
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 9:25:08 AM
What you've done in the past has resulted in less than pleasant outcomes, try doing something different to effect and new outcome. <--Not saying you're at fault for the attrocities those messed up people enacted upon you...AT ALL!

I agree with the counselling mentioned, even if you've already done that in the past it may be something you want to start again if you already haven't. I also agree with not overloading this new relationship with your past all at once or right away. A good partner should want to know all there is to know about you - (a) to better know you (b) better understand you (c) better make decisions within the relationship. You might be surprised at his reaction, mine is "This woman has experienced some terrible violations of trust, boundaries and emotional abuse but she's still here willing and trying to share herself with another. KUDOS to her strength to even want to try much less putting herself back in the fishing pond up to the neck"

I know the feelings you have, any one of us that have had our heartsbroken or relationship trust smashed all feel gun shy about fully opening up to a new potential. We all may not have had the same experiences as you but we all have to make the choice to become vulnerable once again to truly make ourselves ready to fall in love and trust another partner. Take baby steps, a little bit at a time, just because the signs currently all show that he's a superb fella doesn't mean you empty the dumptruck all at once. If he's as good as ya say, he'll appreciate you sharing those parts of your past with him and he'll live up to that trust more n more.
 pescando75
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 70
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 9:39:42 AM
THis thread is pretty old now and lots of responses. I just wanted to add how shockingly DISPARATE the OP's profile is compared to what is really going on under the surface.
This is MY fear of this site: nice window dressings on a totally damaged individual. (I don't mean to dump on you OP, but you need some help to sort through what has happened in life, OK?)
Reality and some sense of truth doesn't seem to be conveyed by the "picture perfect" profile which is presented.

And I might add: not sure how good your "friends" are if they approve of these guys. I might suggest your friend picker is as bad as your man picker and only adding to the woes?

Go talk to someone (a professional.)
You say you like to deal with things in your "own way." Well, that isn't working very well.
 AJ2517
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 71
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 10:10:48 AM
Couple things, in your opening thread OP, you say you love this guy after 2 months...Then you say it is hard to talk to him about your past....That doesn't make sense as far as the true meaning of love.....Even if you truly did love him after 2 months, part of the package deal is you communicate with your partner as far as things that may not be pleasant.....The other thing I see so many times with profiles on here is they are still "advertising" to find someone.....You still have your profile where you are still looking...How can that be??....Like I say, I see it a lot where people say they aren't looking and only for the forums but then still have a profile that is looking....Very hypocritical!!!....Maybe that is where you start OP, be honest with yourself, still have the "line" out seeing what might bite???????
 ortutempestas
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 72
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 10:32:30 AM
In reading your post, I had ambivalent feelings about your issues.

1. As many other people have posted here, don't judge what can be in your future, by what you have experienced in your past. The very thing which you desire (we all desire) is to be happy with a life mate and feel the warmth and tender caress of love from another. I am sure the guy you speak favorably about wants the same thing. While its is over six months since you have posted this, I am certain that you are not out of the woods yet. I hope you are have availed yourself to some type of psychological therapy. Doing so can be very good, and can alter your destiny for the better. Not doing so, can get your guy to think if he is getting into something which is not in his best interest. That would be only natural and normal.

2. Another reply to your post said don't make this about gender. That is so true! Men and woman have feelings of great insecurity, and self esteem issues. On the face of it, it may seem that you where alright going in and became the victim of some undetected evil which brought to this way of feeling. The guy you unfortunately had an 18 month marriage with, could be something worth examining. The personality traits of being emotionally abusive was probably there before you married him, and maybe you blinded yourself to that for some still unexplained reason.

3. Being the victim of a sexual crime weather we call it rape or an attempt, is a very damaging experience to say the least. Please try to get the help, that will aid you to repair as much as is possible your feelings so that you can in the future enjoy the things which we all want.

Best of luck to you!
 Love.Notes
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 73
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 11:31:16 AM
1. What you left in the past...Counseling is a good idea and I strongly recommend you get some. But you also have to take responsibility for how you think. Counseling gives you instructions/advise, but you have to receive and imply that advise given to you. Some of the things that happened to you in the past you can not change nor will you forget. Some of those things were the three short lived but poor choices on your part. That's something you can change.

2. What you have now.... So now 18 plus years later you have moved on past this and here is this "new man" and he is a sweetie! You've finally found him! You want to build a relationship with him, you don't want to lose him. All of those "good feelings" are telling you that this is a good man, you've made a good choice this time. Treat him as such. Stop telling him negative thoughts as well as yourself.

2. What you tell him...No man is going to stay if you constantly tell him " he's not going to be around much longer because you'll get sick of me". Talk to this sweetie the same way he talks to you. You have every right to have trust issues with "men you don't trust". But to the man who has been nothing but "caring and pure in his intentions" you don't have any reason "not" to trust him. Don't place this man in the same pool with those other abusive men or your ex. He is not one of "those men" he is a very nice man willing to work with you on this. Place him in the right category.

3. What you tell yourself... You," daily torment yourself that you're going to lose him and anything you put into this, giving of your heart is going to be taken away from you. " Do you see who is doing the damage here? It's not Mr. Caring and Pure this time. It's your "past experience" that's doing the talking now. But remember you are not with a man in your past and the experience this man is giving you is a positive, wonderful, caring and pure experience.

4. It's not going to be easy to change your thought process after 18 years of abuse BUT the next 18 years does not have to be like your past! I'm pretty sure you want to change this and that's why you're asking for advise. And you deserve to live happy and content with a good man that treats you right! You can do this with proper guidance/counseling and constantly catching yourself when you think those negative thoughts. By placing him in the category of good men not abusive men. By the way you mentioned that he want's you to move in and you feel this is too fast. A good man will give you more time but not forever. Tell him you need more time and give yourself a limited amount of time to decide. Don't keep him waiting forever. Say in six months to a year we can do that. If he is "caring and pure" (which he sounds like he is) he will understand and be willing to wait. Just don't leave him waiting forever. Love takes time... not 2 months, but time... take your time before rushing into things.

5. Please go and get professional counseling. There are way to many details to your past we only have bits and pieces of therefore none of us can truly give you the proper advise needed but a professional can. You deserve to live happy. You deserve a good man. You are valued, you are needed and you are loved, and maybe this man was sent into your life to do just that.
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 74
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 11:46:42 AM

But he has hinted of wanting me to move in, and has told me he wants to take this relationship " as far as it can go." Things with us are moving fast & this feels different than anything I've experienced; I know its special and I don't want to ruin it with my doubts and fears...

Why not just go slowly? If it's worthwhile it will still be there months later. Don't let yourself be led anymore--have your own time table and be willing to walk away if it doesn't work for him.
Don't compromise yourself anymore. You will just keep feeling victimized.
Someone with your past likely needs therapy. Do not use your mate as a therapist--it's daunting for any person to take that on. Work on it yourself. How long have to ever been alone? If you need to be involved, it's just harder to deal with your issues.
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 75
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 8:13:58 PM
Create your new path in life.


As a newly divorced, emancipated woman, rule your own destiny.



In front of you lies the unknown, unless you grasp it, and control it , make it how you want and need, it will form your destiny good or bad for you.



The choice is yours Op.



You are in a good place in life currently, make sure you control your foot steps, upon your new path successfully !!
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