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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Too emotionally damaged to trust men?      Home login  
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 76
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I'm very sorrry to hear what u had gone through.

I had similar experience when I was 19. My uncle tried wouldn't keep his hands off him while we were in the car together and even I too feel that I couldn't trust men for a very long time. After that ordeal, I just never got into a serious relationship. All the men I dated or didn't date, were only purely for sexual encounters.

Then I took a huge break from the dating world and think about men altogether. I was single for 8 years but had 2 booty calls which were merely for a week or less.

During this time, I had alot of me time. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship as well so just needed to be away from men.

Eventually as time went on, I got better. I met my ex bf last year and things were going great. Me and him had been friends for 17 years so there were no trust issues. I never realized in my entire life that there could be guys like him out there. Guys who actually care about me and want to love me and want to shower me with gifts.

Although we didn't work out for other reasons, I can still say to this day, he's open my eyes into believing that they are good men out there. Ones who will treat us right and care for us. But in doing so, trusting them is an issue which I still have today. Currently I'm interested in someone and because I don't know him well enough, I have trust issues in regards to him.

I know for a fact that I am trying to sabotage wat we could have. I'm always doubting him, when in fact I should be giving him the benefit of the doubt and that's something we should all give to ppl until they prove us otherwise.

It's hard trusting men when we've been hurt badly. But we have to try until that person proves us otherwise.

It's all about opening up, and perhaps getting hurt again. But u have to tell urself, not all men are same. Just cuz we've seen some bad ones in our past, doesn't mean they all are bad.

We have to learn to read from their behaviors. What is it that ur bf is doing that is making u suspect him of anything?

Is he being too nice to u and that's putting doubts in ur head? U have to stop thinking that way. Don't trust someone completely, but learn to read their actions and what they do from what they say.

Hang in there, trusting a complete stranger is tough, but u need to see their actions and how they treat u so that u can learn to trust.
Joined: 12/7/2012
Msg: 77
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 8:38:23 PM
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?

Okay I was going to be snarky then I realized you were serious.

Obtain a counselor to assist you in dealing with these issues. Trying to go it alone, or pretend time is going to make this better is a huge mistake. You don't want to start a family with these things lying beneath the surface, that could cause later pressure.

If you truly care about this man you will sort yourself out such that it doesn't harm him in the future.

You will also be much stronger for it as well.
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 78
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 8:49:07 PM
wow, I'm surprised no one's mentioned the OP lists her profile as looking for someone :)

You can't trust people, but you can always have faith they'll all aim for what pleases them. all of them, every time. handle your own needs, and of course, you'll need less from them. so trust won't be nearly as a much an issue, b/c you aren't relying on them for the important things in your life, such as security, validation, etc. sounds cynical, but it takes a load of stress off your life, when you actually take some control over it. an added plus, the more you take care of yourself, the more respect you get for yourself (and vice versa), so its easy to spot the players--they simply don't treat you the way you treat yourself. they stand out like the proverbial sore thumb, and you're never taken in by them. it gives you an automatic, instinctive power over them.

sexual assault is bad--the only thing worse is the doctor telling you cancer is only giving you a few months more to live. both strip you of your innocence, that doing good things is enough. the only way out is to move from victim to survivor--that's when you realize life is now different, you have to handle your life differently, but that you can do that and live a different, but not totally different, life. you won't be able to enjoy every opportunity life gives others every waking moment, but you can enjoy some, or some on the terms that are no longer yours but terms handed to you by something out of your control--but the control you do get is by enjoying some part of life, instead of none of it at all.

so how do you make it so that people wanting to do what pleases them, ends up being right for you? it comes back to self respect. as children we're taught to be nice and do what we're told, so that we aren't behavioral problems. but as we grow, we have to stand up for ourselves to avoid the predators like you mentioned. it helps to enjoy what you see in the mirror, so then you respect it. it all goes from there. and part of that, frankly, can have to do with things moving so fast. 2 months, and he's wanting to move in together? have you two even argued yet? passed gas? split finances? how's he know what it looks like for the bloom to fall off the rose?
Joined: 10/13/2012
Msg: 79
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 8:58:55 PM
You know you can learn from past experiences. Instead of looking at them as bad experiences you can choose to learn as learning experiences. Also you attract these type of men because of your negative thoughts. People ask themselves questions and these questions will find answers. I am not saying the guy you dating is going to run but if you focus on that it may become reality. If you want a trusting man that's loyal then you need to focus on that. Get a piece of paper and write down questions to ask positive questions yourself on a daily basis. This will help you ask your self helpful positive questions.
I am been emotional, mentally, physically and sexually abused so I can kind of relate. You can be either be a victim or be empowered person.
The thing is not too many people want to stick around with someone who is depressed or too negative. I am not saying this to hurt you but you need to change.
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 80
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 11:30:43 PM
I commend you for putting this out there. I hope you get responses that are helpful.

I didn't look at your profile for your age, but you mentioned you had been married for 18 years so your at least late 30's? Early 40's. So,
Maybe try thinking these things -
You know by now you cannot control ANYONE but your self. It includes your new guy. So, you can take
all your past experiences and what you've learned from them and apply them here, in a good way.
You know what emotional abuse looks like, you know what someone pushing you to do something you're not ready for feels like and you know what players sound like.

You clearly need to take everything slow. Very slow. Trust should be given out/earned in small increments. Not all at once. I think it's ok to not be sure yet. It sounds new, why would you be sure this soon? I think that's rather wise.

Try to control your heart. Try to NOT speak words of failure/jokes of distrust. Frankly, he maybe, maybe should be picking up on that, and asking you what's up w/ it? Try turning that table for a minute - what would you be thinking if your new guy made jokes or little enuendos about you leaving him in the dust? I fear you are setting your own're giving clues as to how you fear you may be treated instead of actual statements on how you want to be treated.

I know you don't want to mention too much about it all, but I don't think it's a good idea to not start to develop that intimacy to see if this guy is the real deal, will stick it out, will stand by you even though you're struggling to start anew and keep it good.
There's so much I would say, if not for getting tired of this typing....

Take it slow, remember your trust is always earned, not given for free.
I wish you luck.
Joined: 6/5/2007
Msg: 81
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 11:58:28 PM
I strongly advise counseling. Two months is moving fast and I completely understand how you feel. If you go to counseling and he is supportive, you will find out if he really is who he says he it. Counseling can be very painful (I often had to take a 15 minute nap in the car before driving home, at first.) A counselor I worked with at a children's home said "Counseling is like surgery you do on yourself, without anesthesia. The "jokes" are very bad form and evidence of your insecurity, understand I speak from personal experience. My husband tore down my self esteem also. You should not talk to yourself that way much less to someone you might have a future with. Do share with him some of your anxieties, see how he handles it. Again, two months is not that long. You are not alone, the official statistics are 1 in 4 woman were molested as children, 1 in 6 men. You will not get over all that like it never happened, you will learn to deal with it and maybe have a more centered life than if you hadn't gone through all that. I find trust to still be difficult, it just takes me longer and it should. Someone told me, when I was much younger, that normal people give someone a little rope and see how they deal with it, but that I gave them the whole rope. Don't drive him away but don't give him the whole rope either. Those of us who have endured these experiences need someone understanding, patient and special to deal with our whole package. Tell him bits and pieces of what has happened to you. If he is the prize, he will handle it well and support your growth and healing, if not, you don't have time for someone who might use your pain against you. No matter what lies you tell yourself, you are worth it. This particular booklet really helped me, I read the booklet, got the book and found it overwhelming, the booklet is just right for me.

Again, get counseling. If you are not comfortable with a counselor, keep looking. I did and it has been very much worth it. Oh and don't be afraid to take medicine for awhile, especially for anxiety, it will help you cope until you don't need it anymore. Do research on the meds, if they don't work for you, you feel doped up or side effects are too much, keep after the doctor to find something that does work. It took us five years to get close and another 15 to really fine tune. I don't want to overwhelm you with too much information and hopefully have not.
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 82
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/16/2012 12:19:01 AM
The last person I dated (1 month) I felt had the same issue. Actually I took a chance on this person that had no picture up. Anyways, I felt that it was hard for me to break down walls that she had put up, and always indicated that people had constantly assumed negativity towards her. When I would ask or compliment her about something she would be hot, cold, or skeptical. It was as if she was sabotaging the whole thing by being negative so she wouldn't get hurt. It was really hard for me to ask her something, because I wanted to make sure she wouldn't take it the wrong way. The easiest of conversations could be the hardest. I gave her the utmost respect in my view and chances, but I couldn't hurdle the wall to feel really comfortable around her, and get to that intimate level. After a few outings of being thrown off my axis I just let her go. In all sincerity, I still hope for the best for her.

Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 83
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/16/2012 8:43:19 AM
People who have been treated really badly in the past by guys, don't like to be complimented a whole lot. IN fact we feel that by guys complimenting us, it means they are lying or want something.

Atleast that's how I think of it. Thats why when someone even compliments me the slightest bit, I brush it off and think to myself, meh, they are just saying it cuz they want to be nice and don't mean it.

Even though they genuinely mean it, we just don't believe it.

meh, time heals all wounds.
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 85
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/16/2012 11:30:12 AM

meh, time heals all wounds.

My son feels the same way about cleaning his room. He figures after enough time passes the mess will miraculously disappear by itself. I don't think anyone has a long enough lifespan to see it happen on it's own.
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 86
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/16/2012 1:05:27 PM
However I daily torment myself that I'm going to lose him and anything I'm putiing into this, giving of my heart, is going to be taken away from me

OP, Stop sabotaging this relationship with negative thoughts. I understand what you're going through. Understand & focus on the fact that this mans actions show he truelly cares for you. He's demonstating that he is a decent guy. This is not an act, he's been consistent over a period of time. You're lack of self esteem & past experiences are going to ruin this relationship if you don't change the way you're thinking. Judge this guy on himself alone, not on the actions of others in your past.
At times we all need to speak to someone, a few therapy sessions would help you. You don't have to mention it to your man, just quietly speak to someone about this. Don't ruin a good thing!
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 87
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/16/2012 1:38:48 PM
RonMcDon73 ---- hahahaha ur son needs to get a Molly Maid and pay her with his weekly allowance or something.

My advice to u in regards to ur son not being able to pick up after himself is stop doing it for him altogether! Kids know that if they don't do it, their parents will do it for them so there's no need for them to ever do it anyways.

In order for them to realize this is not true, what u need to do is this: stop doing his laundry. And say, well miraculously the laundry fairy will come and do ur laundry when they have time. In the meantime wear ur dirty clothes.

Atleast that's how I would treat my kids if I had any of my own. But the way I treat my niece is that she's not allowed to do this or that if she's at my place if she doesn't learn to pick up after herself. And she knows very well that I mean what I say and I don't even fall for her cries. I'll let her cry it out. I'm strict and a no nonsense aunt. So she behaves when I'm around!

Try it and see! lol
Joined: 8/22/2012
Msg: 88
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/16/2012 10:05:41 PM
You will never trust anyone as long as you decide not to. So you are wasting your time and his time. Not only that, you are making yourself worse. You are doing more to yourself than anyone in your life has ever done to you through regurgitations of past events on a daily basis. Every day you mind rape yourself in the same wound and do not allow yourself to heal. More then they did collectively. There is no odds in Vegas, that equate the odds you speculate are representational of running in to the same kind of man over and over every time you enter a relationship. It's absurd. There is no chance on earth other than through the programming of your mind, that all men are like the men you pick to have relationships with by the same informational process, available to all humans, even one's in successful relationships. So on your part it's total pilot error. You have to decide if you know enough about a person to let them in your life. Until that happens you have nothing to worry about. But if you keep saying yes to losers, don't blame all men for the losers you pick. We aren't all like them. Those are just the men that you like and go after, successively.
Joined: 10/25/2007
Msg: 89
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/17/2012 12:34:36 AM
Hey Cici:

Your little "problem situation" sounds exactly like this older woman I was dating recently. I broke it off with her because she played the victim role one too many times. I found myself always being her therapist as opposed to something more. Of course there were "good times", and I'm sure you guys have plenty of those, but It was emotionally draining, and sort of a pain in the butt, having her relive what all these dudes did to her time after time. Bottom line is, that if you want to keep this dude in your life, take it slow, and try hard not to use him as a "therapist" and treat him more as a potential bf. Remember, it is not a man's job to "be your shrink" Try to treat everyone as an individual and know that not everyone has the same intentions. Peace.
Joined: 12/12/2012
Msg: 90
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/27/2012 2:38:44 PM
You really need to figure out a way to trust and put the past in the past where it belongs. If not, you will wind up doing exactly what you say and he'll be down the road.

I've just been on the receiving end of what you're describing. She was so perfect that I gave up my condo and moved in with her after only knowing her three months. Everything was about as good as it gets, but little by little she started "looking" for ways to prove herself right that I was not to be trusted. She would get extremely upset if she wasn't there when I was on the phone; she went through all of my personal belongings; went through my cell phone contacts, emails & recent calls; checked the milage of my truck while I was sleeping; stalked and then called my former girlfriend, the list went on and on. I could just feel she was on a mission to validate her mistrust and was heavily scrutinizing me in every way. When I mentioned that, she claimed it was because she loved me deeper than anyone else ever had.

On a few occasions it got so bad I threatened to leave and even started packing, but she finally said she would stop. Looking back on it, she never once asked me directly to stay. It's although her mission was to prove herself right.

She constantly wanted to know where I was going, when I'd be back, why didn't the milage add up? She'd make up really crazy ideas about where I must have been. The accusations were just beyond belief and I know in her mind, they were very real. I told her several times that she was pushing me out the door and that I felt she was constantly trying to find something that's not there, but it just didn't stop.

I finally threw in the towel and moved out.

I did find out (although too late), that she had been cheated on by a guy that was the father of her kid while she was pregnant. I can only imagine the pain from that, but I pretty much think she will Never trust men again after that.

Good luck to you, but I'd say you have serious reason for concern.
Joined: 6/4/2012
Msg: 91
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/27/2012 4:33:10 PM
Firstly I must say that I am truly sorry that what happened to you, happened.. You didn't cause that and you did not deserve to be treated in any other way but respect from the people who have previously hurt you.
secondly .. some of the posts here absolutely astound me.
I suggest that you begin therapy or join a support group with other women so you can begin to unravel and heal.
Tell your new potential partner only what you feel you can and continue seeing him as good ones are not easy to find.. his actions dictate he is into you and has integrity.
When you begin to advocate for your emotional health you are also creating a more advantageous atmosphere for the relationship you are in.. you are a very objective woman.. you owe yourself the ability to be healed for you, your children and the man you love.
If he remains steadfast in his desire to be in your life than you have found a keeper..

good luck and begin to take care of you .. k. I have a feeling this route will take you both to a place of wonderfull, fulfilled happiness. :)
Joined: 12/22/2012
Msg: 92
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/27/2012 7:52:20 PM
Please get some help to deal with your past.I fell for a woman who refused to trust me and let go of hers and needless to say we are not together.The constant specter of the guys who hurt her were always in the backround.It got to the point were she took out on me all the emotional abuse that had been put on her and no matter how hard I tried she would not let the past stay where it belonged.Dont ruin what might be the best thing you found in a long time by hanging on to past hurt.I realize it is easier said than done.
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 93
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/28/2012 10:23:11 AM
OMG, I have the same situation. She has been terribly abused.

She told me about a week about after 9 months. That she is so afraid that she is going to wake up in the morning and it not be real. I think the quote was. When is the monster going to come out of the closet.

Last night. She tells me she cant give me what I need. After a lot of future planning. I said the exact same words above

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies....

She totally did it. It went from OMG this is wonderful.. Her mother called me to the side and said. Ive never saw her so happy. She is so comfortable with you. Thank you for being so good to hear, she been thru so much... and then BOOM!!!!!

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies....
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 94
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/28/2012 10:44:46 AM
You're sabotaging the relationship because you don't understand why you think you don't deserve or know how to be in a healthy relationship.

Get into counseling asap with a good counselor who will shoot straight and get down to brass tacks on this issue. If they suggest having the bf come at some point you might do so to enable him to know what you have learned and how you will be applying it to be on the same page together.

What I can offer for today is , for no other reason, stop the negative behavior and see how it goes. And find a good counselor.

I would also sit down with your bf and share with him that you may have counseling and give him a BRIEF background on what you shared about your past relationships and that you now ( hopefully) have an awareness that you want to learn how to have a healthy relationship.

When someone uses the terms "Damaged" and "Scarred", they are allowing themselves to be the victim IMO and do not have any openness toward a positive outlook on these types of issues. Change the way you view the past. You had negative experiences that you have learned from and now have the opportunity to make it ultra positive from hear on out. Best wishes.
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 95
view profile
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/29/2012 1:21:04 AM
I'm sure Cici would appreciate everyone's concern if she were still here. This thread is six months old and Cici hasn't made a post in five months.
Joined: 12/20/2012
Msg: 96
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 1/4/2013 8:55:46 AM
rough the same things as you and I feel the same bout ppl/men as you do...I always tell myself no matter how much I worrry its not going to stop him from doing what hes gonna do. If he goes to a s club that doesnt give him a greater chance of cheating if hes gonna do it hes gonna o it. Just enjoy what you have and good for you for not letting him see how you feel about that I have problems with impulse and I screw up everytime acting on my neg thoughts and feelings. Sounds like hes a go g sit back and relax
Joined: 12/20/2012
Msg: 97
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 1/4/2013 9:02:03 AM
See cici all these nice ppl and a jerk like madeulooknow has to chime in.Its gonna happen jerks are everywhere but NOT ALL are bad.
Joined: 9/13/2012
Msg: 98
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 1/4/2013 9:08:45 AM
I just had a guy tell me he was dying to get sex. I thought it was kind hot actually.I told him en less he had proof he wasn't going to get laid.Does that mean I'm emotionally damaged?
Joined: 12/20/2012
Msg: 99
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 1/4/2013 9:13:25 AM
I tend to sabatoge all my relationships subconciously of cours so dont do that dont loook for things to be wrong deff. gt some counseling.
Im sorry but seriously your45? You honestly dont look a day over 19 whats your secret? Good luck to yoou
Joined: 12/8/2012
Msg: 100
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 1/4/2013 9:19:39 AM
I agree 100%. Communication is key here and to all well functioning relationships. I have been through the same thing and I am learning to trust again. If you do not take a chance then you may never find your "Happily Ever After". Not all men are cheater and liars. Open your heart and let him inside.
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