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 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 55
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How many people actually go on a second date ? Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Spot wrote:
Some rando bought my dinner last night. I didn't even meet him. He just left a biz card. If I contacted him would it qualify as a second date?


....and let me guess. On the back of his card was an invitation out to the parking lot for an after-dinner swig from his car trunk water jug?
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 56
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 7/26/2017 8:58:21 PM
^^^
Gosh darn it. No. I have never been lucky enough to spend time with a car trunk water jug guy. I must not be sending out the correct signals. I wonder if there is a self help book for one who wishes to meet that sort of man.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 57
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 7/26/2017 9:06:40 PM
I don't think people EXPECT "chemistry", but they do WANT IT.

The guy/gal who's shown a pic of someone's best friend/cousin and told "c'mon, let's make it a foursome, be my wingman" doesn't go on such a date EXPECTING anything but disappointment or perhaps a free meal - but "chemistry" is something any person would welcome, any time, any place.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 58
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 7/27/2017 6:12:45 AM

unless its a blind date, I suspect they decided to go on that first date b/c they saw something they liked (perhaps physical appearance) and want to confirm it. I'm going to commit a sin of posting thrice a link


With OLD, the first date / meeting can be considered as a blind and/or casual date. Although you have seen pictures and had some form of communication ( email, text, phone ) with the other person, it is the first face to face encounter.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 4/3/2017
Msg: 59
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 7/27/2017 7:49:33 AM

I am also not a fan of all the self help nonsense that people pay for.
I do believe that if people always seem to have trouble connecting or missing/misreading signals they could do themselves a favor and watch some vids on body language and speech patterns. Lots of free ones on youtube. I have to be conscious of my facial expressions and my lack of filter. Imagine that!


The self help section at the bookie is one of my least favorites. All kinds of books to tell you how awful you are...but
wait...we can fix you up!

It's sort of a joke with bookies when someone comes asking for the self help section, we're mostly thinking asking for the
self help section is sort of an oxymoron and secondly, finding it yourself would be a step in the right direction.

Facial expressions and my lack of filter are one of my assets I think.....hahahaha!
I prefer people like that frankly. You know where they're coming from and what they think of you and the
current situation. I'd rather someone come from the front than sneak up behind, if you know what I mean.
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 60
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 7/27/2017 7:57:01 AM
^^^
Oh I def know what you mean! Sneak attacks are not fun. Unfortunately I have years of experience with someone who could win awards for her passive aggressive tactics. Seriously. I should write a book that details all her little comments through the years. Maybe I should hook up with someone who could do some sketches and do a little pocket book. Hmmmmmmm

And yes, I count my inability to be fake as an asset as well. At least people know what they are getting with me.
 Grateful_Heart_
Joined: 1/16/2017
Msg: 61
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/4/2017 10:20:50 AM

Many people expect instant chemistry on a first date / meeting or they quickly lose interest[\quote]

This seems to be the story of many of my dates! Just had a first date two days ago that went very well. We agreed afterward to meet tomorrow night for drinks (she can't meet for dinner as she is working late). Just received the "I'm not feeling the spark" text from her canceling it. While I want to explain to her to give it another date or two to see if anything could develop, doing so is just being desperate so all I do is accept it and move on.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 4/3/2017
Msg: 62
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/7/2017 11:00:37 AM
I don't expect instant chemistry.
But. I have to like you, I have to imagine myself kissing you (and
getting naked with you) and if I don't see or feel that upon meeting,
no amount of dating or dinners is going to change my mind.

This has always been a simple concept to me.
I just assumed it worked for guys as well.
Do you really meet someone and you think.."oh hum...sort of alright,
not what I was looking for, but could be interesting, maybe I'll take her
out a few more times and see what I think"? Do you spend the entire
meeting pondering the possibilities of maybe becoming attracted?

If I don't like you when I meet you...I won't like you later.
And that's true about me as well. If you don't like me now...you'll
like me even less later probably...hahahahaha!
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 63
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/7/2017 1:04:20 PM

This has always been a simple concept to me.
I just assumed it worked for guys as well.
Do you really meet someone and you think.."oh hum...sort of alright,
not what I was looking for, but could be interesting, maybe I'll take her
out a few more times and see what I think"? Do you spend the entire
meeting pondering the possibilities of maybe becoming attracted?


Physical attraction can be determined quickly. I'm not going out on a second date when there is no physical attraction. But there are other aspects of a woman that could become more appealing to me over time when I get to know better. Like I said before, maybe a person that was a little bit nervous or shy or guarded on a first date could become more relaxed and comfortable on future dates.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 64
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/7/2017 2:36:31 PM

Deep down, I believe most people know the answers to their own problems, yet they bounce around from guru to guru, book to book, seminar to seminar

Yeah, I think a lot of self-help books are just motivational as it's purpose -- to remind one of this-and-that and putting things in perspective. Obviously to outsell others, many can get weird -- but there's also many that are just fine & good and all. And yeah, there's some people who are Hooked on the stuff, which is really strange. But I will say though, some people do need to be temporarily hooked on a certain thing (like dating help) because it will take a lot to deprogram them enough to be more on the right track.

While I want to explain to her to give it another date or two to see if anything could develop, doing so is just being desperate so all I do is accept it and move on.

If the 1st date went well, where she agreed to a 2nd date as it was finishing -- I think she could have been on the border of having attraction for you. But hers is a perfect example of "the spark" = Enough attraction. I mean, your date went Well -- so it rules out personality conflict and the like. You very well could have had enough "raw attraction" to work with, but part of attraction is how one projects themselves too -- which can make the difference between the friend-zone if we don't provide a lot of raw attraction to them, or really Liking us if the raw attraction is just-enough.

If you're running into good dates a lot -- where the gal doesn't want a 2nd -- you may be putting off the Mr Nice Guy vibe too much.
 patchmanjoker
Joined: 7/28/2017
Msg: 65
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/7/2017 11:15:56 PM
It does not surprise me that there are few second dates. Studies have shown that 33% of all people who try OLD will not even go on one single date. I highly doubt the other 67% are going on tons of dates. I am confident that the number of dates generated by OLD is very low compared to the amount of people who use these sites.
 patchmanjoker
Joined: 7/28/2017
Msg: 66
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/7/2017 11:29:44 PM
Norwegian Guy brings up a good point about the "Nice Guy" vibe, but that is one of the limitations of OLD. You are on a date with a stranger, for the most part, so you are going to be on your best behavior and you might be trying too hard to make a good first impression. That is not a natural way to meet someone for the first time. A casual "IRL" meeting situation does not have the pressure or expectation of an actual date.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 67
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/8/2017 4:01:41 AM
You're not missing much by missing the PUA. I mean, its interesting if you're interested in human interaction. The fellow I quoted has some amusing ads, where he tells you that you can pick up anyone, and then halfway down the ad he teaches you (also, conveniently) how to recognize if a lady is interested. He's not the only charlatan doing this, I mean, if I can create interest, I don't have to recognize it--i'm its creator, its there when I create it. of course, the reality is, no one can create it. we can't make people think things. they have to think it on their own, and that's why we have to recognize it...it has to exist already.

"I've grown tired of society's obsession with self help gurus"

>>>yeah, its like the scenes in the Matrix movies, where we download information to become knowledgeable. ah, if only true.

as for a lack of filters, beautiful people don't need them--look at how many people chase someone who isn't interested in them, or how many ice queens still get guys around them like flies. but i'm also reminded of that line from one of the "Die Hard" movies, "oh, i'm an asshole alright, but i'm your type of asshole". we don't mind someone else' sacred cow getting the knife.

instant chemistry is a dream, my local paper just asked people to write in with their summer love stories. of course, all happened when they were teens. few turned into anything, but of course there was first kiss magic.

as for second date failure...I figure the first date is just a test drive. what are the odds we're going to like what we see? I mean, we like to think we've done all this prep work beforehand, but its like reading every book on how to play baseball...you still have to go out there and find out how well you can pitch and catch. I don't date much, but I don't think second date failure is a problem, except when you're the one wishing there was a second date. first dates are just confirmation your prep work was spot on. I've had first dates occur only b/c the lady said, basically, hey, we live in the same town, lets meet at a place you're going anyway. not the best reason for a relationship, but come to think of it, I guess I passed up a hookup.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 68
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/8/2017 6:36:33 AM

instant chemistry is a dream...


How many people claimed there was instant chemistry when they met a stranger who they did not find physically attractive? I haven't heard anybody say: "He/She is butt ugly, their body is the shape of a bowling ball, but there was instant chemistry as soon as we met." But society says that people shouldn't be focused on physical attraction when mate hunting, so someone came up with a term that deflects from having an interest in physical attraction, even though that's what it boils down to-for both genders.
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 69
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/8/2017 7:07:57 AM

How many people claimed there was instant chemistry when they met a stranger who they did not find physically attractive? I haven't heard anybody say: "He/She is butt ugly, their body is the shape of a bowling ball, but there was instant chemistry as soon as we met." But society says that people shouldn't be focused on physical attraction when mate hunting, so someone came up with a term that deflects from having an interest in physical attraction, even though that's what it boils down to-for both genders.


I do actually agree with this for the most part, but I have been in some confusing scenarios before. I've met a few women who were "attractive" per se, and the conversations were a blast, yet there was a missing ingredient I couldn't quite put my finger on. It frustrated the shit out of me because I feel I usually have a solid understanding of why I feel a particular way about matters. I am reluctant to refer to those few scenarios as a lack of "chemistry", though.
 SLAFFA
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 70
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/8/2017 7:46:47 AM
Repeat after me...

Chemistry is an OLFACTORY thing. It is a totally UNCONSCIOUS reaction.

IT'S NOT A VISION "THING".

Sure, it's great when you meet a "stranger" for the first time and you find them attractive or stunning. But that is not Chemistry no matter how many Forumites want to claim it. "Chemistry" is likely what accounts for many "odd couples". (what do they see in each other?

Chemistry by itself with another Human is worthless as to insuring anything LT. It also does not mean any sex will be great. Or even good. Or "good enough". It's Mother Nature's way of producing GENETICALLY strong offspring. We are "just" Animals after all. We have no more ability to ignore Mother Nature than any other animal.

I have tried 3 times. Go on a second date with a lady who seemed such a great match in so many ways in the first meet but just no Chemistry...
to no avail. There are likely numerous things that can at least muffle Chemistry, if not stifle it completely.

I've always "known" in the first 15 seconds or so when meeting a lady.

The Holy Grail for anything LT (for some people) is to find Chemistry AND similar Morals, Scruples and Values AND they enjoy at least some of the same activiities.

It's refreshing that at least some people seem to "get it".
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 71
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/8/2017 8:59:50 AM
Alcoholics seem to have better first dates.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 72
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/8/2017 9:18:18 AM

brings up a good point about the "Nice Guy" vibe, but that is one of the limitations of OLD. You are on a date with a stranger, for the most part, so you are going to be on your best behavior and you might be trying too hard to make a good first impression. That is not a natural way to meet someone for the first time. A casual "IRL" meeting situation does not have the pressure or expectation of an actual date.

I agree that a 1st Date has the "best foot forward" motif to it, which can brightly bring out Mr Nice Guy vibe from someone if they are. But so can any nervous situation. But I don't think OLD 1st dates differ than getting a # from mingling with someone you don't know. Many times via online, they're Less a stranger upon the meet -- you chatted a little more, got to see a profile, and then had a quaint meet-up date. My mindset & vibe is no different than me mingling at a bar with a gal and got her #, and texted her and set something up. Heck, sometimes I had to ask myself when arriving at the 1st-date-point -- "Did I meet her online? .... Oh, no, I met her at [that bar]. Okay." I don't see any difference here by nature.

I think the only difference really is that a smaller % people can be worked up over the "online thing", notably when not really doing it before -- associating it with "desperation" or "weird". That's for the most part gone away. When going on said date, from OLD or IRL met-stranger, it does share that best-foot-forward mentality, and people are going to be in Classification Mode -- which I can see many guys who aren't so much Mr Nice Guys projecting that vibe enough to be classified/assumed as such. That's where decent literature on dating comes in -- in how to project yourself to maximize attraction results, and minimize unattraction, as far as what the opp-sex Does like. Much the same as literature about business meetings and such.

I think what you may refer to is someone you Do kinda know already -- like someone from work, friends of friends, etc. That does become more comfortable. Hence some gals wanting to Role Play the "friends first" mantra.

You're not missing much by missing the PUA. I mean, its interesting if you're interested in human interaction.

Well, that's what the dating scene's about though -- human interaction, right? :) There's lots of bad PUA books but there's related ones that aren't so flashy but good. The Game was a good read... not a PUA book really, but a story about a Rolling Stones writer going thru it, and despite the weirdness of it among many, how the core concept made him better in life (not just garnering a gal's interest). Some don't need it at all of course -- but the classic shy / Mr Nice Guy like the author needed it.

I've met a few women who were "attractive" per se, and the conversations were a blast, yet there was a missing ingredient I couldn't quite put my finger on. It frustrated the shit out of me because I feel I usually have a solid understanding of why I feel a particular way about matters.

I've had that before. Sometimes where I could put my finger on it later, but, thinking -- why not, tho? We can see attraction on two different levels: In general from an objective POV, to ourselves. Usually it's not very different, but sometimes it can be. I can see a gal who I can say is pretty cute, but I'm not feeling it. Maybe she looks like an ex too much, maybe she has a certain look that I've tried that went Ehhh.... just as there's other looks that I know aren't objectively Hot, but to me, it strikes a chord.

Then there's the other thing about compatibility that I can't put my finger on. Maybe the tone/setting in how she projects herself makes it seem like we'd have a blast as opp-sex wingman friends and would be Weird to make a sexual move as that's not the tone that's been established... maybe led by certain things about her that cries incompatibility, even no clear marker makes itself known.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 73
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/8/2017 9:33:36 AM

How many people claimed there was instant chemistry when they met a stranger who they did not find physically attractive? I haven't heard anybody say: "He/She is butt ugly, their body is the shape of a bowling ball, but there was instant chemistry as soon as we met." But society says that people shouldn't be focused on physical attraction when mate hunting, so someone came up with a term that deflects from having an interest in physical attraction, even though that's what it boils down to-for both genders.


I get what your saying. But for me, there is a difference between physical attraction and chemistry. I can find a woman to be physically attractive and often not have instant chemistry with her for various reasons. Such as we are virtual strangers and I don't know her well enough yet. Or at least one of us is somewhat nervous, shy, guarded etc on a first date / meeting. I have heard women on the POF forums and elsewhere say things like they thought he was handsome, polite, intelligent etc. But they didn't want a second date with him because there wasn't ( instant ) chemistry.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 74
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/8/2017 8:31:07 PM
this week the local newspaper collected letters about summer romances. None really went anywhere, but they all occurred when the letter-writer (or these days, i guess emailer) was young. First kisses were magic, hand holding, and some even turned into relationships. But there was magic, instant chemistry, all the fun things romance is supposed to give us.

as we get older, we bring our adult problems to relationships. We go from "OMG I THINK HE LIKES ME!" to "oh geez, he didn't pay enough of the bill, i think he's cheap." Our cynicism and our demands kill the potential for instant chemistry. When we are kids, we aren't looking for a lifetime partner or someone to take over for Dad paying the bills, we just want something exciting after being around our parents.

sometimes, that instant chemistry was us projecting onto the other person, what we wished and hoped they were. then we got to know them better.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 75
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/9/2017 9:27:08 AM
"as we get older, we bring our adult problems to relationships..."

Add in the fact, that most people beyond the very young have kids, which changes it to a whole new ballgame. Not only do you have to see if both personalities match, but you need to know if you can accept the living arrangement and family dynamics that would come with the deal of dating a parent.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 76
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/9/2017 9:35:15 AM
For me, " instant chemistry " is when I meet someone I find attractive " enough " AND feel comfortable with right off the bat. There is an effortless flow of energy between us as if we've always known eachother. It's like we're in the same key .

It's rare but it does exist and isn't solely about physical attraction
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 77
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/9/2017 11:02:35 AM
^^^ I could have written this. The same-key thing - totally. I think of the word 'resonate.' One thing to add - do you feel as if they 'get you'?
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 78
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/9/2017 11:16:01 AM

Or at least one of us is somewhat nervous, shy, guarded etc on a first date / meeting.


Anytime I encountered the mysterious lack of interest despite many other good qualities being present, I always moved on rather than analyze it, but now that I think about it, something may have very well left me feeling they had no confidence, which is a big factor for me. Oh, well.

At any rate, no matter how one thinks of "chemistry" there are those who undoubtedly use "no chemistry" as a tactful way of saying "you're not physically attractive to me".
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 79
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/9/2017 12:04:58 PM

But for me, there is a difference between physical attraction and chemistry.

Sure, actual chemistry, of course there's a difference. The concept of chemistry is the same platonically -- between guys, or guys and their buddy's GF, or relatives. Same concept as with dating. It's flowing well bantering/communicating/jiving-along with each other. That's "all" that it means. It's not a different concept in the dating scene; same concept -- it's just woven in with the non-platonic scenario. That's where Attraction or lack thereof will prevent it, allow it, or motivate to help create it.

I can find a woman to be physically attractive and often not have instant chemistry with her for various reasons.

Yeah, if they're the quiet/nervous type as you point out, yeah, there's nothing to say there was enough chemistry to write home about. Sometimes the gal is quiet/nervous -- many times that'll be pointed out by she; many times not -- and it can prevent solid chemistry from forming. Almost Always though -- on a long-enough 1st meet with access to a drink or two -- if a gal is really closed, it's more anti-chemistry.... meaning she has no attraction and it's on purpose. Worth a shot if you're attracted to her to ask her out again -- but usually it's a no. It's not a compatibility issue so much as she wasn't interested. You can have great chemistry with gals you're not LTR compatible with (LTR-compatibility is where compatibility really has weight).

I have heard women on the POF forums and elsewhere say things like they thought he was handsome, polite, intelligent etc. But they didn't want a second date with him because there wasn't ( instant ) chemistry.

Yeah, but that's not really the case when they say that, almost all the time. It's a lack of attraction toward the guy -- and naturally them heeding on allowing chemistry to flow because of it. When they say they didn't "feel the spark" -- they could definitely have chemistry -- they instead were being nice, making the most of things, etc -- but that "not feeling the spark" just = no attraction.

A gal (or guy) can look at someone and say they are "on paper" attractive, seemingly intelligent, a decent person -- but they themselves aren't that attracted to them. We Want to believe it's "some other thing", some "mystical chemistry", when chemistry isn't mystical at all -- it's just how you flow/banter/jive. That's it.
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