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 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 80
How many people actually go on a second date ? Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Yeah, but that's not really the case when they say that, almost all the time. It's a lack of attraction toward the guy -- and naturally them heeding on allowing chemistry to flow because of it. When they say they didn't "feel the spark" -- they could definitely have chemistry -- they instead were being nice, making the most of things, etc -- but that "not feeling the spark" just = no attraction.


When a woman directly tells a man she doesn't want another date with him because there was "no chemistry", sometimes it can be code for "no physical attraction" or there was some other negative trait about him. They didn't want to be brutally honest to him about it. However when a woman tells me ( or states on the forums ) why she doesn't want another date with a different man, I think they are often being more honest about their feelings in those situations because they aren't worried about possibly offending someone.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 81
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/9/2017 1:38:27 PM
South City:

I get what your saying. But for me, there is a difference between physical attraction and chemistry. I can find a woman to be physically attractive and often not have instant chemistry with her for various reasons.
Sure, I agree on that one. I have had plenty of dates with hot women where there was a missing factor. And dates with physically less attractive women where there was no missing factor, and the chemistry was great. But there does have to be a degree of physical attraction for the "chemistry" genie to strike.

As far as the "missing factor," usually imo, it is a shyness or hesitancy with one or both parties, no common interests or experiences....and conversation is an effort to keep going, and gets heavy. If it's too hard to keep convo and laughter going, it's stressful and no fun.

Slaffa wrote, rather emphatically:
Repeat after me...Chemistry is an OLFACTORY thing. It is a totally UNCONSCIOUS reaction.


Sounds like you've read some books on this? While I agree olfactory likely has some bearing......not sure I agtee olfactory trumps other factors that have been discussed. I believe "chemistry" is instant comfort and effortless conversation, mutual laughter, common experiences, interests, and sense of humor...added to some degree of physical attraction.

Chuck wrote:

For me, " instant chemistry " is when I meet someone I find attractive " enough " AND feel comfortable with right off the bat. There is an effortless flow of energy between us as if we've always known eachother. It's like we're in the same key
I think this is as good an explanation of "Chemistry" as any here. And the "right off the bat" is key, for two strangers meeting for the first time. The statement, "You never get a second chance to make a first impression" comes to mind.

Considering men, imo, are responsible (fair or not) for setting the tone of the date...they in particular need to launch out the gate pretty d*mn fast if they're going to get a 2nd date...even if it means taking a risk...cuz if the meeting gets stuck in the mud and degenerates into a blank stare-fest, or just a "so-so" experience for the woman..... then it's out to the rejection farm for you. The Cindy Lauper rule is key...."Girls Just Wanna have fun"
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 82
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/9/2017 2:05:30 PM

But society says that people shouldn't be focused on physical attraction when mate hunting, so someone came up with a term that deflects from having an interest in physical attraction, even though that's what it boils down to-for both genders.

Yeah, but it's not totally physical attraction. A couple of the hottest women I ever had dates with turned out to be the biggest duds, chemistry wise. One was an American born Muslim with an overbearing old-world family, so that probably had something to do with it...just too nervous...

... and the other, an ex-model, I found out very early in the dating process, was borderline bulimic (sp?). That half hour break to go to the bathroom....uh....I knew something was wrong there.

But...since both were so smokin' hot...I gave them several dates to come out of their shells...yes, even the bulimic. She made up good stories to cover that up, at least for awhile. And no, her breath didn't really stink. A couple years later, I heard she died of a heart attack though, in her late 20's..... Sad.

But.......I think it's safe to say that the "hotter" one is, male or female, the more chances he/she will have to overcome being a boring date.....alas...
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 83
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/11/2017 6:59:46 AM
so, it sounds like the general consensus is..."instant chemistry" is when we see someone, and we can see the potential for good sex with this person is high? Not that they are hot and we wish we could have sex with them. Its that they have the confidence enough to make it happen with us, and we feel comfortable enough to make it happen with them, so the both of us are on the same page, that good sex is going to happen at some point. Maybe not that night, but soon. We just know that, yep, this person's going to become our boyfriend or girlfriend. Or just our lover, depending upon what relationship we want--but we feel its going to happen with this person, the potential for it is high, b/c we're both on the same wavelength.

or is "instant chemistry" something more? or something else? or do we disagree b/c we seek different things, that "instant chemistry" isn't an end goal, its a medium to get to the end goal, and we all have different end goals?
 Iredurbio2
Joined: 4/18/2013
Msg: 84
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/11/2017 10:33:18 AM
I think instant chemistry is a kissable face.
It's also a breath of fresh air to the
rejection arsenal.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 85
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/11/2017 12:32:41 PM
Instant chemistry sounds pretty close to love at first sight. What would be the difference? In both cases, there's an instant feeling that the person you see and meeting for the first time could be The One. When there's instant chemistry, people aren't thinking "This is someone I could date for a little while until someone better comes along." The bigger issue is if one person has that magical feeling of instant whatever and the other person doesn't, could it work out?

If two people who had instant chemistry were to meet a few weeks, a few months, or a few years later instead, would there still be instant chemistry when they meet? And can people have instant chemistry with someone who is married or in a relationship?
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 86
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/11/2017 2:03:51 PM
Instant chemistry is something that happens in the movies. And if it does happen in real life, who's the say you're still going to be with that person in 5..10 years? I could care less about instant chemistry. Longevity, commitment, dedication and long-term potential matter more than some fluttery (and mostly fleeting) feelings I get when first laying eyes on a person. I've met men who got me all hot and bothered the first time I met them but in 2-3 months, we weren't even speaking anymore. I don't put much stock into "instant" anything.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 87
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/12/2017 11:02:03 AM

Instant chemistry is something that happens in the movies. And if it does happen in real life, who's the say you're still going to be with that person in 5..10 years?


You don't need to go that far into the future. Whatever instant chemistry does exist on a first date can easily fizzle out by the end of the second or third date. Let alone what could happen in the following months or years.
 Cowgirlwannabe1
Joined: 5/4/2017
Msg: 88
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/12/2017 1:19:20 PM
good lord amighty there better be chemistry
or I am out the door and this is gonna be a short date
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 89
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/12/2017 5:39:54 PM
"who says the person you have instant chemistry with will still be there in 10 years?"

>>>true, but a lot of people are just fooling around with someone not worth investing in BC, much less moving in with :) "Instant" chemistry might indeed, be instant, while chemistry might be found after time. We may find someone who gets us all horny, and we may not think the long term ramifications of our stirrings down below. We see, we want. Like comfort food that raises our cholesterol count :) Sometimes we just wanna feel good. I used to work w/ a gal, we had chemistry, but she went to college and hooked up with the stud of the small campus and they ended up married. Just b/c two people "click" doesn't mean anything more than, they click. It might lead to sex, or in my case, friendship, and it might lead to marriage or it can go wherever else fate will let it go.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 90
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/13/2017 12:46:01 AM

When a woman directly tells a man she doesn't want another date with him because there was "no chemistry", sometimes it can be code for "no physical attraction" or there was some other negative trait about him.

To HIM the term has more allowance. But it will at least more or less = "lack of physical attraction", if he isn't way out in left field in how he comes across. Think of it much the same way you have a date with a gal who's OK looking -- and it goes along OK -- but you have a lot of better prospects. It's not really the chemistry. By technicality, IF there was great chemistry (banter/jive/etc), yeah, you'd go for another date (if your prospects weren't even better as they are). But if she was Hot -- you would regardless. A lack of physical attraction is almost always the underlying thing. Negative traits -- usually gets a "not very compatible" response.

It's about Attraction, man. Physical. If you don't think that doesn't affect how you come across non-physically, you're Dreaming. :)
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 91
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/13/2017 7:42:36 AM
In another thread (?What is creepy?) it was mentioned, that feeling you get when something causes the hair on the back of your neck to rise or tingle. A physical reaction or warning, that gut feeling you get, from the person in front of you, that they have the potential to cause you harm.

With regards to OLD, the gut reaction that starts from, the first message, to the first 5 minutes when meeting face to face.

I can't remember using the term "chemistry", to indicate approval, or for that matter labeling a man as attractive, to indicate "attraction".
What I distinctly remember is my spidey sense of .......................calm, safe, proceed ...............OR ................not.

Second dates? More than I remember.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 92
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/13/2017 8:45:57 AM

A lack of physical attraction is almost always the underlying thing. Negative traits -- usually gets a "not very compatible" response.


I think terms like "no chemistry", "not compatible", "not a match", "no connection" etc are interchangeable when a woman tells a man that she is not interested in him. These terms can mean almost anything from no physical attraction, not having enough in common, he was arrogant, she went out with someone else that she liked better etc.

I had women tell me that there was no chemistry after a phone call without having any dates / meetings with her. It couldn't mean no physical attraction because we never saw each other face to face. I also had women tell me there was no chemistry after 2-4 dates. Chances are she wasn't talking about physical attraction because she had enough initial interest to go out on a few dates with me.
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 93
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/15/2017 3:43:00 AM
I have been on a few second date. But if she doesn't want to go on one for whatever reason I don't sweat it.
 flyover_boy
Joined: 12/28/2016
Msg: 94
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/16/2017 10:52:53 AM
Generally, more than 75% of the time on first dates, or ‘first meets’ I know if I want a second date before your butt is in the coffee house chair. That can even be in the parking lot or you walking in (I try to arrive early). If it’s a no-go, I’ll politely go through with the brief coffee, then have to leave (I always keep them short, mutual respect), but not ask for a second. Sometimes with ‘no-gos’ I’ll get a text or call, ‘let’s get together again...’ thing, I’m sure I’ve done the same, but silence is golden.

The ratios of ‘firsts’ to ‘seconds’ is probably one in four, maybe one in three. Part of the problem is so many women, who know esthetics much better than men, have horrible profile pictures. While I have certain rules, i.e. full body shots required, leary of the ‘one picture wonders,’ I will give the benefit of the doubt in borderline cases.

Physical attraction is very subjective, further, its priority is also varied by person. For me, it’s in the stratosphere. Part of the reason why I’m insistent on coffee dates for OLD firsts. But there’s an honesty with the computer that can be hidden in social settings. I’ve talked at length with many people I found genuinely interesting, but had no desire to date. OLD provides a candor not found anywhere else.

Chemistry is a factor, however, and one I can’t generally nail down until a few dates. If the physical is a no-go, then chemistry doesn’t matter, we’ll never get there and nothing you can do will bring us there. If attraction is there...to what degree. Chemistry for a second date, really comes into play for the marginal cases. I remember one first date, with a lady who came from the other side of the Bay, which she said she’s up here often and she was a ‘Meh,’ case. Very pleasant positive person, interesting and we had a good conversation, probably one of the better ones by far for my ‘firsts.’ But, we didn’t share the same outlook on life, had different experiences, and different politics. I’ve often said ‘differences compliment.’ But, had I been more attracted to her, there would easily been a second and beyond, as there have been with those I found far less interesting and engaging.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 95
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/17/2017 10:53:38 AM

etc are interchangeable when a woman tells a man that she is not interested in him. These terms can mean almost anything from no physical attraction, not having enough in common, he was arrogant, she went out with someone else that she liked better etc.

It's not random, though. My point is, if he's Hot or good looking and his Looks Are Compatible -- the tolerance for arrogance is Much higher. When she's not physically attracted, one's Looking for "incompatibilities". It's modern human social nature. We all don't like being judged on looks. Hell, it's even not so easy for most to say to their friend, "She wasn't good looking enough," when she wasn't an ugly gal. It makes us sound arrogant, and open season to be judged on looks, which we all don't want. Point is, not enough in common -- that's a BS response, it's a first date. We are worlds apart? Ok. But just the general stuff -- it's almost always BS. Now, she likes someone else better -- yeah. Doesn't mean he lacks the attraction To garner her interest, but At The Time, he does because her focal point is elsewhere. But in the end, the basics are the same -- she's not physically attracted to him enough (to override a guy she also went out on a date with).

Physical attraction, which includes body language, style, swagger, etc -- is the #1 thing by a landslide that'll determine things.

I had women tell me that there was no chemistry after a phone call without having any dates / meetings with her. It couldn't mean no physical attraction because we never saw each other face to face.

It could -- but yes, very likely other factors coming into play. Now, with No Picture -- and no description of your looks on the phone -- then yeah, looks definitely has nothing to do with anything then. But assuming pics seen ... when physical attraction isn't Drawing one in, the other factors are obviously the focal point. And a phone call does weed out the looks concept well, so one riding on looks (and not persona) won't have as much as an advantage VS in-person. Also, looks is important due to the senses. One of the things outside of Looks but, is much the same is Voice. Often overlooked, and it hits the senses... and like looks, affects how we see them as a person. And of course, if you were shooting yourself in the foot over the phone or off-game and helped make it awkward (or she unknowingly doing that), that can ruin it. But many times if you thought the phone convo may not be anything special, but it was fine-i-guess-what-did-ja-expect -- her Attraction to your picture wasn't all there. And some gals are willing to give things a go -- a phone call, or even a date -- when the physical attraction isn't all there, but they do it anyway (unfortunately).
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 96
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/28/2017 3:44:38 PM
I agree a better looking person probably has a longer rope in terms of displaying poor behavior during a date. I also agree it can often take multiple dates to determine how compatible people are for a possible LTR. However there have been instances when I knew that I didn't have that much in common with a woman after 1 date due to things she mentioned during the date and phone/text/email conversations. Our differences gradually added up and the tipping point happened sometime during the first and only date. My decision had very little to do with looks or personality.
 MsSkeezix
Joined: 7/1/2017
Msg: 97
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/28/2017 3:54:32 PM

How many people actually go on a second date ?


I only chance a second date if I have good sex on the first date~

;-)
 sandwater
Joined: 4/2/2017
Msg: 98
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 8/28/2017 7:53:01 PM

Now, she likes someone else better -- yeah. Doesn't mean he lacks the attraction To garner her interest, but At The Time, he does because her focal point is elsewhere. But in the end, the basics are the same -- she's not physically attracted to him enough (to override a guy she also went out on a date with).


Chemistry isn't always about just looks for me. I remember having dates with 2 different men in the same general time period. One man was better looking. But I felt I had a stronger overall connection with the second man.
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 9/8/2017 6:31:43 AM
It's very true and that's the problem with sites is that because of the amount of choice everyone (especially women) are very unforgiven about the slightest thing
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 100
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 9/8/2017 6:45:41 AM
its like a cup of coffee, we used to accept whatever came out of the pot, now we have Starbucks and we can "reveal" our personality by being particular about the ingredients in our mug.
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 101
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 9/8/2017 8:37:48 AM
Oh, cooldog. Do you see what I see?
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 102
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 9/8/2017 9:01:21 AM
^^^I see my future and she has an English accent!
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 103
How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 9/8/2017 11:02:49 AM

I see my future and she has an English accent!


I see what you did there.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 104
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How many people actually go on a second date ?
Posted: 9/8/2017 9:43:31 PM
Cooldog.......checking flights on British Airways, hopes he doesn't return on Virgin Atlantic✈✈✈✈😉

The best way to try and ensure a 2nd date is by taking the selection process seriously. Not only do you pick who you like, but consider the other person to think if they will think if you'll mesh with shared views on life and shared interests. You'll have so much to talk about, and you'll sound interesting. Interest and curiosity creates a 2nd date.
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