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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 51
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
What do you mean by 'he came out of an abuse relationship 2 years ago (DOC)"?

Like others have said, I believe that he is playing you until someone else comes along. If he did come out of a truly abusive relationship, he may be "broken" and may need professional help.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 52
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 6/25/2012 10:29:18 AM
What do you mean by 'he came out of an abuse relationship 2 years ago (DOC)"?


Well, DOC = Department of Corrections.

He's about two years out of an abusive (DOC) relationship


Maybe he got out of the slammer after being locked up for 2 years, because his GF "manipulated the system" to have him arrested on domestic abuse charges!

Desperate people will believe almost anything ...
 QueenOfWands419
Joined: 6/8/2012
Msg: 53
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 6/25/2012 10:45:48 AM
I put up with that for about 2 months. Then one night after coming home for a nice time out with him I checked to see if he was on. Sure enough at 3 AM there he was. After (what I thought anyhow) was a nice time together he gets on POF for his 3 AM ego boost? I dont think so! We still talk but he can find someone else to put up with that. If he's looking sooner or later he's cooking!
 sweetjurny
Joined: 5/13/2010
Msg: 54
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 6/25/2012 11:33:53 PM
I'm sorry to say sweetie, "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU" And even if he was, if he needs to flirt for an ego boost you will be wrestling with this problem as long as you are in this relationship. You definately deserve more than that. Keep hunting and God bless.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 55
view profile
History
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 6/25/2012 11:46:09 PM
The solution is actually quite simple.

Each of you edit your profiles to explain that you're in an exclusive relationship and not looking, then you can easily check to see that it remains clearly stated on the profile. He can keep his profile, but his flirting/ego boost will have to go by the highway.

I've been a POF member for close to 5 years now and I've been in a relationship for over 3. I'm not deleting my profile and told that to my GF point blank. I did however change my profile to indicate I was in a relationship, showed it to her and gave her my user name so she could check my profile any time she wished.

Should we ever break up, I'll change my profile back.

If my girlfriend was on POF I wouldn't expect her to delete her profile. I wouldn't have the slightest idea if she's made online friends, or friends through meet and greets, or is posting in forums, etc, etc. I do however trust her, and so beyond stating she's in a relationship that would be good enough for me.
 carelesswhisper00
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 56
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 6/26/2012 1:50:08 AM
You may not be the only one he is seeing exclusively. I wouldn't spend another moment with this person. Out of respect for the relationship and you he should have hidden his profile when you started dating him. If he likes to flirt that is one big ole red flag that he already has thrown your way, take heed to it.
 bt623
Joined: 5/28/2009
Msg: 57
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History
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 8/28/2012 10:20:03 AM
I would ask him to close just once and if he doesn't
to save you a lot of hurt later I would walk away while
you have the chance. Good luck and I sure hope you
don't get hurt.
 irish_smackie
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 58
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 8/28/2012 10:51:28 AM


When I saw 2 spawned women post on his facebook wall I chatted with one of them. She and I had been seeing him at the same time, granted I was first, but the others were added. There were 5 women in total with this man. He had the same need for gratification from others. He thinks of it to this day as flirting, (but he was sleeping with all of us) and still thinks of himself as a good guy...


Dang, I think we were dating the same man!

To the original poster - it has been my (limited) experience that men who behave this was are not as invested as we would like to think. Cut your losses now, before you become more heavily invested in him.
 1Irishguy
Joined: 5/28/2012
Msg: 59
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 8/28/2012 11:18:34 AM
You ladies sure do know how to pick em dontcha? Anyway I can only speak for myself, but in an exclusive relationship I could give a rats a$$ about ego boosts or what other women think of me, it doesn't sound to me like both of you are exclusive. Thats just my opinion though! :P
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 60
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 8/28/2012 11:22:01 AM
Most of the time I've been on POF, I've been in an exclusive, committed relationship. Sometimes my profile was hidden, sometimes not, but ALL OF THE TIME it reflected that I was not looking and in a relationship. Came for the forums. Still do. My guys knew it, and didn't object. If they had, they prolly would have been the ones to go: I don't take controlling very well; if I had been looking still, they prolly should have dumped me. They knew and trusted me better.
 DarthPhoenix
Joined: 9/5/2010
Msg: 61
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History
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 8/28/2012 12:03:34 PM
How can you be exclusive only after just meeting a man you been talking to for a month???? Sounds like someone got some sex and decided it was a relatioship lol!. Of course he's messaging others online because your not exclusive and its not a relationship and even if you were really dating, that alone don't mean to much unless an agreement has been made. Now if you both got an agreement then someone might be in violation and will garner some questions and require truth on the matter not denial. Best believe he's lining them up as i type this while your living in never never land thinking its something its not. He said ego boost i bet it is an ego boost lol! Bottom line is this you are in a relationship A REAL RELATIONSHIP then neither should have a pof account, secondly if you are dating but no agreement has been made then yes you and him can keep your profiles up hidden or not but why be hidden???? lol! I think i made it clear when to remove your account !!!!
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 62
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 8/29/2012 8:04:35 AM
If I were seeing someone, I'd hide my account. But I'd do it for myself, not for the guy. It's still too soon for you to know how things will turn out, and in the mean time you don't really want to have to turn down some other prospect that you might later be interested in.

Don't suggest that he stop looking. I kinda think of someone wants to look, LET HIM. You'll know by how he treats you if he's interested in you or not, so don't get hung up on his profile here or when he logs in, etc.
 Hand2soul
Joined: 6/8/2013
Msg: 63
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 10/21/2013 2:09:05 PM
If I am hitting it off with someone, and the chemistry is amazing..... You won't find me on the site, period.
The ridiculous thing about dating sites is that it shows just how selfish people are.. or at least a lot of people from what I have seen. If you meet someone on here and you both have that amazing chemistry we are all wanting... why would you keep looking? I just recently got my feelings hurt here not long ago.... I really just fell hard for her.... And from what she conveyed to me... never has she felt such amazing passion with someone else before, and yet here she was on the site, still looking. I let her know I can't just be friends with her.... it's not my style, nor am I trying to live a poly lifestyle heh....
And I was quickly escorted out of her life. It baffles me that some of you have the greatest relationship in your hands and yet are so selfish and ego driven you still have the desire to look for something better.
I mean it's a twisted case of the grass is greener.... because before the damn grass can even grow your hopping the fence.
 KratosSpawn
Joined: 10/24/2010
Msg: 64
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 10/21/2013 6:51:28 PM
Interesting. You should talk to him about how you feel regarding his actions. If you're exclusive that means you two should not be exploring outsiders. Sit him down and come to a consensus about your situation.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 65
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 10/22/2013 1:11:49 AM

Do you believe that if you both have decided to be exclusive to one another that the POF account should be hidden?

Yes, that's common sense. You have to agree to be exclusive -- or seeing each-other so frequently that it speaks for itself (usually a quick on-the-same-page talk solidifies it).

Once Exclusive, I would say at least set your profile to "Not Single / Not Looking", and change the wording that you're seeing someone. If one's new to POF or doesn't use the forums, yeah, just delete the account (since there'd be no need for it) if you've been seeing each other for a while and are exclusive.

A pretty common-sense approach, IMO. If they become a significant other (more than just exclusive agreement), and they have trust issues since you use the site for the forums -- I would say give them your password and let them check in on it whenever they want. That will ease any sane person's feelings (and give them a new hobby of reading what you post).
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 66
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 10/22/2013 6:53:53 AM
It's a catch 22 situation. You have to be on this site to see if someone has a profile here, which makes it a bit hypocritical. Plus, if you're on the site to see if a certain person still has a profile here, or go to other dating sites as well, it means there isn't full trust, which is a lousy way to start a relationship. I would be willing to delete my account for the right person, and the right person wouldn't have any accounts on any dating sites. I'm not going to get into a relationship with the attitude that I'll keep a hidden profile here, so that if it doesn't work out, I can quickly unhide the profile and jump back into the dating pool within seconds after the breakup. That leads to the attitude that the grass is always greener on the other side, so no relationship would be fulfilling if you always think you can do better simply at the click of a mouse.
 forumfella
Joined: 10/18/2013
Msg: 67
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 10/22/2013 2:10:32 PM
It was nice when you could just hide your profile while things evolved or faded out, I guess that's why it's a pay for perk now, people liked it!
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 68
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 10/22/2013 3:46:50 PM
Pretty simple what you do: You put "only on the forums" and you don't write what sounds like you are looking for someone. So damn hard.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 69
view profile
History
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 10/23/2013 12:47:06 PM
Being on a dating site does not mean you are still looking or thinking you can do better, that's a very self-defeating thought pattern. It just means you are not taking down your profile, it may mean you are staying for one reason or another or it may mean you are lazy, it could mean anything. It's your job when dating to get to know someone well enough before you make any commitments, to know if this person is someone you want to be with. If you have nagging doubts, if their profile still being up, etc., make you feel insecure, then obviously this person is not a match for you. Not everyone is cheating or lying, but it's your job to be involved with people who behave in ways that work for you. Just because a person isn't doing anything wrong doesn't mean they are for you, matching is complicated, it's not going be that simple. Just as saying you are exclusive might very well only mean that you are having sex with someone you have just met and both agree to not have sex with others while you figure out if want to keep dating. But if you think someone you just met means what they say, well you won't know until you get to know them much better, and that will always take time. You can jump into something and have it work, and you can jump into something and end up with a ruined life. Most things are going to be more in the middle, love at first sight just means it worked out, it does not mean it was actual love right from the start. It is never going to be that the other person has to change for you, you are going to have to find people who are already the way you need them to be. And maybe once in a while a person will change for you but you can't rely on that, they may be lying. Life is so much simpler when you spend your time on things that work for you instead of beating dead horses. Then again, the drama lovers want to beat dead horses, so there you go.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 70
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 10/23/2013 4:49:07 PM
If a person says they are exclusive but still has a written profile that says they are looking and describes what they are looking for, that is not a person to trust, pure and simple. You can erase what you "want" and still have a profile on here, and if your exclusive relationship doesn't work, you can retype your written profile like it was before.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 71
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 10/24/2013 10:15:48 AM
The whole 'Online Now' indicator makes people paranoid - what are they doing? Well, obvious the same thing YOU are, because you gotta be logged ON the site to see that little green dot.

If you're confident in yourself and the relationship, ALL of this online crap shouldn't matter one bit. I've been dating someone for about a year now, and she knows I'm in these forums and thinks it's 'weird' because I use it for my time-killer at work, but I've told her she can look at my inbox/outbox any time and realize I haven't messaged anyone looking for a date since last year. We're not 'friends' in Facebook, and don't need to be - because we are friends in REAL LIFE and talk every day on the phone and don't NEED a Facebook status update to tell us what is going on.

Cheating is a real-life activity, NOT an online one. If you want their exclusive attention, do it in the Real world. Stop panicking about whatever may be happening online, because being paranoid and insecure is a MASSIVE turn-off, whether justified or not.
 Iseedudpeople
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 72
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 10/24/2013 10:23:17 AM
Do you believe that if you both have decided to be exclusive to one another that the POF account should be hidden?


No, I believe it should be DELETED

Unless, you are a Forum ADDICT , then it should be HIDDEN....IMO

As for the people who say " oh , but what if things don't work out ? I don't want to have to go through opening a new profile all over again "

Seriously ? You're THAT lazy ?????

Talk about LAME CITY !

It's not difficult or time consuming to open a new account, if you think it is then you have ISSUES .... IMO, lol

If your reason is " oh but it's so hard to think of a new username " , then I say WOW

Send me money and I'll think of one for you ....

HOLY DINAH !


My guy said he's pulled down other dating site accounts but left open his POF because he enjoys the flirting and the ego boost he gets from POF


Even if that is the reason....yeah right... do you really want to be with someone who needs something other than YOU to " boost his ego" ? Sounds like a pretty INSECURE boy to me ... IMO
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 73
view profile
History
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 10/24/2013 12:16:48 PM
This thread just made me realize the ultimate absurdity of the recent changes.

It's free to find your love, but you now have to PAY to stay on the site AFTER finding your love, if you want to do so in the least misleading fashion (that is, with a hidden profile). Most POF users are unwilling to pay anything to get a date -- why would they then pay anything to avoid getting a date?

This is probably the dumbest POF paid feature to date (even dumber than the animated .gif). Besides, as usual, losing substantial page views from irate users deleting their profiles because a previously free feature is now paid, it's difficult to imagine the free user who would sign up just to be able to hide his/her profile (as the vast majority of people who hide their profiles have ceased looking for dates, and those who hide their profiles for nefarious reasons probably would never pay for anything; the only users that might consider paying just to have the ability to hide their profile are the handful actively seeking dates but with legitimate reasons not to have a public profile -- more POF punishment of innocent victims).

Personally, if I found someone, I'd be outta here so fast you'd just see a trail of smoke and my profile would just be a smoldering crater, because I seriously hate this somewhat necessary evil, forums especially. But that statement has to be clarified: a date or two isn't "found someone." I would certainly leave my profile intact until there was no question about me being in a committed relationship (which, with me, there ALWAYS is a "question").
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 74
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 10/24/2013 2:19:12 PM
Reading back through these replies in this thread, I'm just stunned at the overall over-reaction to this whole 'exclusive' status. What the heck does 'Exclusive' really mean? - Because judging by some of the reactions in here you're treating it a lot more like Engaged. This relationship is only a few weeks old, which means a HANDFUL of dates at best.

There's NO way to realistically believe, promise or enforce an exclusive commitment just because you've dated a few times and had sex. You can HOPE for it all you want, but asking for a commitment THAT early is frankly someone's insecure ego looking for reinforcement. The people that get duped into a false sense of security because of labels like 'Exclusive' are the naive ones that think the label means they are magically 'protected' and DON'T have to be aware of any real-life bad behavior or hanky-panky on the side.

Actions speak louder than words. Actively sending messages to other women online soliciting dates IS an action. Browsing profiles or participating in these forums is pretty much as harmless as flipping channels on a TV or googling celebrity gossip. You CANNOT tell which is which simply by a 'Currently Online' green dot.

If you really need to find out what they are doing online, ASK - DON'T ASSUME. If they're comfortable with you at THAT POINT in the relationship, they'll probably let you flip through their inbox without hesitation. If they are NOT comfortable with you looking, well, THEN it's a situation you need to deal with. They MIGHT be cheating, or they might not TRUST you enough yet to show you those personal details - cuz you've only had a few dates!

Work on your RELATIONSHIP - the time you spend TOGETHER. Give them a reason to NOT want to look anywhere else. (Here's a hint - Your mere presence is NEVER going to be a 'reason' unto itself, and that's true for every human being, no matter how rich, powerful, or pretty)

Trust is EARNED, people. Not entitled, required, or demanded. It takes a leap of faith to be OK with and still care about someone even though you don't know every little step they take through the day. Insisting on labels like 'Exclusive' to cover that trust is a shortcut - not an answer.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 75
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 10/30/2013 7:49:39 PM
Reading back through these replies in this thread, I'm just stunned at the overall over-reaction to this whole 'exclusive' status. What the heck does 'Exclusive' really mean? - Because judging by some of the reactions in here you're treating it a lot more like Engaged. This relationship is only a few weeks old, which means a HANDFUL of dates at best.

Exclusive is different than a Committed Relationship. Exclusive means you're not going to be seeing anyone else, or chasing anyone else. It merely means 'going steady'. When you're going steady, you're not going to be active on online matchmaking sites. It's not a tough concept to change your status to "Not Single / Not Looking" and noting in your profile you're just on for the forums, if that's the case.

Secondly, they were past a Month into it (even though they got exclusive early before that). That's not super quick to start going steady if you hit it off well enough.

Third, as a disclaimer, I *am* a fan of "playing zone" vs "man to man" early on (sports analogy). Don't go "man to man" (cutting off all other options) just because you've had a good date or two. Wait until you're exclusive by a talk or by obvious demonstration over time. However, if you bought into being exclusive/going-steady, ya just be honest about it, whether you jumped into too soon or too late.

There's NO way to realistically believe, promise or enforce an exclusive commitment just because you've dated a few times and had sex.

It's just as easy (or not so easy) to 'enforce' exclusivity/going-steady whether it's too soon or not. I agree, just because you've had a few dates and hooked up, doesn't mean you Are Exclusive. Totally agree. Not by itself. But that's not the OP's position.

Trust is EARNED, people. Not entitled, required, or demanded.

Well, you're certainly not going to earn trust if after you agree to go steady/exclusive with a woman that you're constantly browsing POF profiles as Single & Looking. :)

If you're still actively online in the matchmaking arena and not set as Not Single / Not Looking -- you're billing yourself as not taken -- you're not going steady with anyone.
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