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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 80
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?Page 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

We were Exclusive after are second date and started planing the Wedding 3 months later.

Thank you for posting an exception. Did you need a label 'Exclusive' to prove it to the rest of the world at that time? Probably not. My argument is not against the practice of dating exclusively, it's against this idea that you need a label to make it 'official'.

My guy said he's pulled down other dating site accounts but left open his POF because he enjoys the flirting and the ego boost he gets from POF

Admitting to flirting and other communicative actions online is indeed really poor taste; and doesn't bode well for anyone trying to build trust with one particular person. If you're dating someone, and claim to be committed to them, your account's 'Outbox' should be EMPTY of new messages.

The idea that a person needs to change, lock or delete their online account from existence simply because they've been dating someone for a short time is absurd. Some of those profiles took a boatload of effort to put together. If you're in a relationship, what's the harm of just leaving is sit there and walking away? Personally I think a sign of a great relationship starting is a dating profile that gets completely forgotten about and dies of 'old age'.

And as far as that 'Online Now' indicator thingy - the smart phone apps give out alerts all the time for every little thing that happens inside the site - you tap on your screen in slightly the wrong spot and *boom* suddenly you're 'Online Now' - even though you're not Actively Online Now. I know the alert settings can be changed and stuff can get blocked, but the ONLY ones that really should cry 'foul' are the prospective daters who read it and think they are active -- but if all THEY do is spend 30 sends reading it and another 30 seconds typing a one-sentence message that doesn't get returned- Oooooh cry me a RIVER! That happens in here thousands of times every day, if not every HOUR. If people are still looking at other profiles - LET THEM LOOK - if they are staying with you even after sizing up the competition, that should be a compliment TO YOU, not some betrayal.

If you're in a developing relationship, trusting them is EVERYTHING. If you feel the need to control what they do online, or 'lock' them into a status to feel that trust, then you're doing it WRONG, plain and simple. Facebook and POF and any other online entities out there are NOT in control of your relationship - YOU are. Date the PERSON, NOT THEIR PROFILE. Give them a reason to ignore the internet completely, and THEN you've got it right.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 81
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 11/4/2013 9:41:24 AM
I've said it before, and I'll say it again - you gotta concentrate on your REAL LIFE interactions with the person, and don't worry about what's beyond your control in the cyber world. If you give them a decent enough reason to date an attractive, positive, CONFIDENT individual - they won't care about websites any more than you do. Life is so, so much more than a Facebook status or profile.

Patience IS a virtue, yet so many people want to be 'established' even BEFORE date One sometimes. I really wish the younger generation could grasp the idea of a world without texting and smart phones, because IT DID exist for centuries. Love letters were done thru the 'snail' mail, with a few days in-between to consider the possibilities, or to gamble on the wrath of your parents for making a costly long-distance phone call. This speed of access thing has created a short fuse for everyone, and there's no reason for a great deal of this panic, impatience, and insecurity.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 82
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History
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 11/4/2013 6:16:24 PM

This speed of access thing has created a short fuse for everyone


I never considered this. That's very insightful.

I was thinking the other day how letter writing makes you think a little more. No backspacing, just crumpling up the paper and re writing. The downside is it gives you a lot of time to get lost in your own thoughts. I'm sure many romances have started in a person's head, though :)

I have a whole box full of letters from my daughter's dad written during a time when he was serving overseas. I know my daughter will cherish them one day, and it's sad she will probably never have many letters to save herself (in her lifetime).
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 83
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 11/4/2013 8:38:55 PM

If you're dating someone, and claim to be committed to them, your account's 'Outbox' should be EMPTY of new messages.

More than that on here... they should select Not Single / Not Looking if their outbox should be empty -- right? If they refuse to select that, what does that tell you? Not Single / Not Looking will not come up in general searches.

If you give them a decent enough reason to date an attractive, positive, CONFIDENT individual - they won't care about websites any more than you do. Life is so, so much more than a Facebook status or profile.

Soo saying "Why are you still active on eHarmony all the time?" or "Why do you still have yourself as Single while active on POF?" is giving them a decent enough reason to date others?

Actually, I think actively surfing said sites is giving themselves a decent enough reason.

Pursuing someone else IS cheating. Now, if you're dating early on and they put their profile on hold/invisible on a pay site like eHarmoney or Match -- yeah, that's where trust comes in. Same with POF marking it as Not Single / Not Looking. On Match & POF you can still write people -- but yeah, that's where trust comes in, and as long as they're not on those sites like a Tetris addict is to Tetris, fine -- I understand.

But to say they shouldn't at least mark their profile appropriately given the situation while still being active on it is being just as naive like a freshman girl. If asking they do so would be pushing their buttons -- they're wanting to still pursue others, plain & simple.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 84
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 11/4/2013 9:27:12 PM

Actually, I think actively surfing said sites is giving themselves a decent enough reason.
Pursuing someone else IS cheating.

So how is reading someone's profile 'cheating'? Are you pursuing them? How about reading their Facebook page? Their "Linked In" page? Following their Twitter feed? Looking at paparazzi pics from the latest movie premiere? Browsing porn sites? Actually LOOKING at other people in public? Where do you draw the line? C'mon - all that talk is just someone who wants to control the situation more. Big F'n deal if your girlfriend checks out the bass guitarist at the club - she's still going home with you - provided you can stay cool and confident and avoid being a whiny controlling azzhat.

Where the 'trust' comes in a relationship is EVERYWHERE, not just because you know they're not 'Online Now'. Trust doesn't come with exemptions - you either have it, or you don't. People are ALWAYS in here trying to 'bargain' for a reason to add an asterisk (*) to their love/trust/faith in another - and it's all B.S. Getting into a new relationship is ALWAYS a gamble, yet people are absolutely convinced they can 'fix' the odds in their favor. Well, good luck with all that.
 paintedldy
Joined: 4/6/2010
Msg: 85
view profile
History
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 12/8/2013 7:40:28 PM
How about this one dating guy for 2 years and find him on here ? Think it s ok? I did not Thoughts ? Did it to next. Chick too now she's gone too. Opinions in this? I say cheat liar etc.......stayed on here all through their relationship behind her back on here day and night now ........
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 86
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 12/8/2013 8:47:14 PM
So how is reading someone's profile 'cheating'? Are you pursuing them?

You're pursuing the opp-sex on POF if you're active on the site and your profile is Not Single, Not Looking with adequate time to change at such -- yes. Again, that's the game-changer. If one doesn't want to change it to Not Single, Not Looking, their bf/gf would have to be the biggest idiot to think "Oh, I trust them." Uhhh, trust is already broken, dude. If that's the case, they Are pursuing.

Getting into a new relationship is ALWAYS a gamble

Exactly. But I'd rather be gambling at a Blackjack table than playing something else that's 1-in-1500 of winning. Walk away from girls who want to stay on POF without changing it to "Not Single, Not Looking". Walk away from girls who want to go out on vacations with their ex's who pine for them ("Oh, he's just drunk sometimes when he calls me at night and says he still loves me..."). The SO or SO-to-be, purposely emersing themselves in those situations already broke the trust.
 ImNotForYou
Joined: 4/28/2013
Msg: 87
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 12/10/2013 4:49:23 AM
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every time someone posts this type of thread all I read is "He/she won't behave the way I think they should. Please tell me I'm right so I can tell him/her they are wrong and make them do things MY way!"

Everyone has an opinion on what they find acceptable behavior for them. If your SO does not tow the line in a manner you feel they should, guess what?.......they probably shouldn't be your SO! It really is THAT SIMPLE!!

Constantly debating the rights and wrongs of relationship statuses and appropriate behavior of those in relationships really is up to the two individuals in that relationship. Some will not have a problem with their SO maintaining profiles, others will find it abhorrent. Find someone who feels the same as you regarding acceptable and unacceptable behavior and these problems will disappear.
 SuzieQForForums
Joined: 8/5/2013
Msg: 88
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 12/10/2013 6:26:13 AM
Just remove your photo and no one will write to you.
Just add one line to the top of your profile, "NOT LOOKING AT THIS TIME" or put that in the headline.
Easy enough to undo later if things don't work out. Takes about 5 minutes.
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