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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Long List of Requirements met in order to message      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 TheLongSpring
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 26
Long List of Requirements met in order to messagePage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Some women have the long list of requirements to "price themselves out of the market". What I mean is, deep inside, they really want to stay single, but are in denial about it. So they sabotage their dating lives, without realizing it.
 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 27
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 10:25:45 AM

However one or two things I can't understand. Like why do people have long lists of conditions that must be met in order to contact them.


Because it is impossible to put a woman in a wind tunnel to see if her flesh flaps all around under high wind conditions when selecting a woman online. Since it is know that the skin becomes less pliable with age and slides around the muscle structure more easily after certain ages it is much easier to simply restrict to the age group you want and exclude the ones who would end up being too much of a pain to deal with or too costly to repair.

Hummm not sure how well that will be working out for me by comparing women to vintage aircraft but oh well... seems to fit
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 28
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 11:55:49 AM
WhenI first started this, I didn't have many mail restriction and found out quickly that i was having to wade through a lot of stuff I wasn't interested in.

Was not interested in a man young enough to be my child - hence age restrictions.

As a recovering smoker (3 years) who knows how addicted I still am to nicotine, was not interested in a smoker and the pitfalls for me - Hence smoking restriction.

Was not interested in a long distance relationship - Restricted radius.

And the list does go on, they were and are not unreasonable. In my experience many don't actually read the profiles, I continue to get messages re meetings and dates even tho my profile says forums only and in the body this is what is says.


Not interested, not looking right now, exploring the potential of a future with a man have I known since Grade 7. Wow, didn't that coming! :)


Went to copy the above and found 3 messages for sex buddies!!! (took the mail restrictions off), turning them back on. Guess they don't actually read the profiles and that is why we have restrictions on who can email us!
 not1ofthecrowd
Joined: 2/18/2012
Msg: 29
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 12:17:24 PM
I have a fair list of requirements because I am looking for a serious relationship (ie not just looking to 'date'). In other words if you don't want to do serial dating, it makes sense to hold out for someone who you have a good chance of getting along with in the long term. That said, this post got me thinking that it would be a good idea to extend my age range so as not to rule out someone older who might fit my other criteria (while I would prefer someone who was between 32 and 52, I've extended it to 60). I will say that one thing that IS a dealbreaker for me is when a man specifies an 'unegalitarian dating age range' (actually that seems to be the majority of men on dating sites lol), e.g. let's say he is 50 and states his age range is between 30 and 50 (I find it cringeworthy in this day and age).
 SilverLight
Joined: 11/26/2010
Msg: 30
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 12:25:09 PM
I'm one who had the list...no casual sex, no STD's, no married men, stuff that weeds out alot of people I would not date anyway. There's nothing wrong with putting up some boundaries, as long as they are reasonable.

And believe me, it doesn't stop people from messaging you who DO want casual sex. So, the "wall of defense" ends up being a sort of a paper tiger anyway.

As far as the age bracket, I was on a site that makes you pick an age range. So, I picked my *preferred* range but it's not set in stone.

Again, with so many older men lying about their age you end up getting contacted by much older people anyway..no one really pays attention to what's in your profile.

I've also found a huge majority of men want younger women. it's biological, I don't hold it against them.
 TheLongSpring
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 31
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 12:28:19 PM
The problem with holding out for someone who meets your list is that you might end up being a serial dater anyways.

A person who meets your requirements might not be attracted to you, or you could go on date that might not end well.

People think they know what attracts them to someone else, but they really don't.

When you date around, you learn more about yourself and what you want or don't want.


A good example of this are the taller than average women (5'9" +) who insist on only dating men taller than them. I then read stories about how some of them gave a shorter man a chance, and had a really great time, or is currently dating a shorter man now.

The same thing goes for men and dating bigger women, or single mothers for that matter. Give a big girl and/or single mom a chance, and you might really like her.
 MisssButtons
Joined: 7/30/2011
Msg: 32
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 12:32:29 PM
Men have their lists too and I appreciate it as I can qualify or disqualify myself easily, as well and I view it as knowing what you want in either gender. Nothing wrong with knowing what you want.
 bay_shore
Joined: 3/24/2012
Msg: 33
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 12:32:52 PM
I wonder how effective some of these restrictions are though. A person that is married, does drugs, looking for sex etc may lie about these things on their profile in order get around these restrictions.
 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 34
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 12:40:04 PM

A good example of this are the taller than average women (5'9" +) who insist on only dating men taller than them. I then read stories about how some of them gave a shorter man a chance, and had a really great time, or is currently dating a shorter man now.

The same thing goes for men and dating bigger women, or single mothers for that matter. Give a big girl and/or single mom a chance, and you might really like her.


funny how that works.... I have a thing for long hair and i have never been with a woman or even dated one with short hair yet over on the dating site side i am actually conversing with a woman with short hair that seems to be cool.... but ....there was not a restriction that could be selected that restricts only women with long hair as being able to contact me just a preference listed in my profile text.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 1:26:31 PM
Who cares?

I am gonna assume that people know exactly what they are doing, that by having whatever restrictions in their mail filter, they absolutely know that they don’t want to be contacted by people who are “offside”.

Women - especially young attractive ones - get inundated by messages, so it’s no surprise that their filters are set tightly. If they feel that they are not getting enough messages, I am sure they know what to do to get more. And really, like I said, who cares? Unless of course, you are the one who just got screened out and you’re pissed about it.

I’ve seen one woman who has set her mail filter to “older than 99”. I assume she just doesn’t want to get emailed at all. May be she likes to be the one to initiate contact, who knows? Personally, I am more weary of the ones with alluring pictures and a very suggestive text. As the old saying goes, “if it’s too good to be true, it probably is”.
 Phil_an_derer
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 36
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 1:54:41 PM
Just imagine if all the ladies had their profiles hidden!!!! ok forget I even brought that up!!!have a nice day and play fair....
 not1ofthecrowd
Joined: 2/18/2012
Msg: 37
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 2:47:15 PM
One of my requirements (not visible on my profile) is that first contact messages must be 300 characters plus. Since I added that setting, the number of messages I have been getting has dropped dramatically. I don't think this is a bad thing because prior to adding that requirement, I was getting a lot of messages from people who I had absolutely nothing in common with, and it was irritating/ disappointing to get so many one sentence responses. Personally, I'd rather get just one quality message a month than 5 meaningless messages every week. Interestingly, when I had the setting on 200 characters plus, I sometimes got people who would type a whole load of Xs so that they would be able to send me a one sentence message; others complained that I was expecting them to write a 'book'. I guess when I extended it to 300 characters, those types of people gave up altogether. lol. Anyway, I'm sticking to my guns on this, as I can only relate to someone who is able to send me a meaningful message, which in my opinion would require 300 characters plus.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 38
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 4:03:55 PM

I guess when I extended it to 300 characters, those types of people gave up altogether. lol. Anyway, I'm sticking to my guns on this, as I can only relate to someone who is able to send me a meaningful message, which in my opinion would require 300 characters plus.


Suppose a man wrote this on his initial email. "Hey I noticed that you like rock music. What are some of your favorite bands?" This email only has 63 characters without spaces and 78 characters with spaces. Yet this message clearly shows he read her profile and asked her a question about something in her profile. Why expect someone to write a long paragraph when chances are he won't get a response.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 39
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 4:19:44 PM
The age stuff I don't get. its like 25 to 37 only. So if a 38 year old guy has what your looking for he's too old?? I don't get it.


I agree. I have never quite fully understood it either.

Like if, as in your example, it's 25 to 37, and what if someone is 37 and 51 weeks, will they talk to them for a week, and then the newly turned 38 year old is history? Or do they get grandfathered in?
Or a 24 year old. Do they tell them to make contact after their next birthday?

What about in real life?
Do they ask everyone their age immediately before getting into a conversation? What if someone in real life was outside those parameters but didn't look it because they don't look their exact age?

I don't think a whole lot of people give a whole lot of deep thought to the numbers, they just put something down to have something visible.

If one absolutely insists on having any age parameters, the most logical approach is not to have any age restriction in the mail setting, but rather to list it in the "about me" section, and then they can remain open to the possibility that someone wonderful just outside those parameters could contact them.
 TheLongSpring
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 40
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 4:22:00 PM
Guys usually send short messages to gauge your interest, and then follow up with a lot longer message.

It's not hard to understand

It doesn't make much sense to send a paragraph to every woman on here for the first message
 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 41
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 4:22:02 PM

Why expect someone to write a long paragraph when chances are he won't get a response.


I was actually thinking the same exact thing.. most first contacts do not make it to a second one so I usually treat it like a tag you are it now check out my profile and respond if you wish to take it further type thing...

I would never type 300 chars for a first contact mail.... 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc maybe but not first one since as has been said, almost every message sent gets no response at all like maybe 10 out of 100+ actually write back.

It is all those dang male bots sending women messages to make them feel special or trying to get them to part with their credit card numbers by wooing them that have made it harder for REAL males to get through the BS fake males.

Us guys have to deal with all those mail order bride profiles sending mails to us yall ladies have to make it past all those perverted bots and at the end of the day.....

Yall ladies would rather have one of the bots based on the pictures and us guys end up emailing all the fake hotties....

I actually have started looking for profiles with errors in them to try and distinguish real people....lol
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 42
view profile
History
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 4:22:14 PM
When it comes to age requirements I think it's most efficient to take your normal acceptable age ranges the add and subtract 3-5 from each end.

The way I look at it is if my lower dating range was 28 to 42, would I really turn away an amazing woman that was 25 or 45?

I certainly wouldn't and don't understand why anyone else would either.
 QueenOfWands419
Joined: 6/8/2012
Msg: 43
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 4:23:34 PM
I have looked at other womens profiles (cause i'm nosey that way), and I cant believe some of the profiles! It all about them, them, them! And they keep adding more and more crap untill it just a ****fest! Or they will go off and list all the issues they have and how hard it is to get over them all. And they think they are all that! Too much ego! Am I too nice in my profile?
 not1ofthecrowd
Joined: 2/18/2012
Msg: 44
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 4:30:01 PM

Suppose a man wrote this on his initial email. "Hey I noticed that you like rock music. What are some of your favorite bands?" This email only has 63 characters without spaces and 78 characters with spaces. Yet this message clearly shows he read her profile and asked her a question about something in her profile. Why expect someone to write a long paragraph when chances are he won't get a response.


I'm not saying the '300 character approach' would work for most people, but it suits me personally. For example, the rock music statement you gave would simply not be enough for me. The way I see it is, I've gone to the trouble to sort of 'bare my soul' a bit on my profile, so I'd expect some kind of acknowledgement of that in a reply. In other words, while the kind of response you gave would be absolutely fine for a lot women, it wouldn't be appropriate for me. In my case, someone is far more likely to get a response if it's obvious they have taken the trouble to read my profile properly and to compose a meaningful message.

Generally speaking, I think men would be more successful in getting responses from women if they took a 'quality trumps quantity approach' in writing messages. Even with a job search, you are more likely to get an interview if it's obvious that you took the trouble to tailor your response to a specific job opportunity as opposed to churning out 100s of identifical applications which you copy and paste for every job.
Just my two cents.
 TheLongSpring
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 45
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 4:35:21 PM
Well, have you had good dates with the 300 character men?? as opposed to those who wrote shorter messages?
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 46
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 4:35:24 PM

If one absolutely insists on having any age parameters, the most logical approach is not to have any age restriction in the mail setting, but rather to list it in the "about me" section, and then they can remain open to the possibility that someone wonderful just outside those parameters could contact them.


Guess you haven't read the multiple threads/posts lamenting the fact that both men and women get many messages in which it is obvious that sender has not read their profile. So chances are that sender is not going to now that you are not interested. I got three today alone and my profile says forums only, met someone, etc., (got smart and hid the profile. Doh!)
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 47
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 4:41:26 PM

Guess you haven't read the multiple threads/posts lamenting the fact that both men and women get many messages in which it is obvious that sender has not read their profile.


Actually I have.



So chances are that sender is not going to now that you are not interested.


While that part my be true, it will never change the fact that age ranges that are part of mail restrictions may cut one off from a potentially great relationship with someone just outside of those ranges, who are excluded from contacting one first.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 48
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 5:49:06 PM
I'm not saying the '300 character approach' would work for most people, but it suits me personally. For example, the rock music statement you gave would simply not be enough for me. The way I see it is, I've gone to the trouble to sort of 'bare my soul' a bit on my profile, so I'd expect some kind of acknowledgement of that in a reply. In other words, while the kind of response you gave would be absolutely fine for a lot women, it wouldn't be appropriate for me. In my case, someone is far more likely to get a response if it's obvious they have taken the trouble to read my profile properly and to compose a meaningful message.


I think the intent of the first email should be seeing if there is any initial interest in the profile and photos. If I liked the photos and there was nothing in the profile that was a dealbreaker, I would send a positive reply. I don't think writing a long first email with 300+ characters necessarily means better quality. That person could be rambling. To each their own.
 Rawr773
Joined: 2/9/2011
Msg: 49
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 6:02:52 PM
I have looked at other womens profiles (cause i'm nosey that way), and I cant believe some of the profiles! It all about them, them, them! And they keep adding more and more crap untill it just a ****fest! Or they will go off and list all the issues they have and how hard it is to get over them all. And they think they are all that! Too much ego! Am I too nice in my profile?


Thank you for taking the time to see what men go through on these things. Sounds like you saw how narcissistic and materialistic a lot of women are on these sites. I've read everything from the "Be my shopping list or else" to "Don't be the ex I'm not over yet" profiles. I've also been one to get stuck listening to women ramble for entire coffee meets and it gets old real fast.

I've actually gone through men's profiles myself to see what women go through so I can relate. The stories women share with me when we meet up are crazy so I can see why a lot get nervous about meeting a complete stranger off of the internet.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 50
view profile
History
Long List of Requirements met in order to message
Posted: 6/24/2012 6:18:17 PM
Although like many others I certainly appreciate a profile that disqualifies me from responding to it so I don't waste my time doing so... I will also skip over any profile that has a long list of requirements, even if I meet every single one of them, because that seems like a woman that can't be pleased and has some issues (or maybe they just can't handle internet dating, in which case, what are you doing on here?). And usually they're just being "nice" or "politically correct" by not listing a requirement that would disqualify me from responding if they have a hundred other ones. You just gotta read between the lines on stuff like that.

I don't have a problem with women who use the age limit mail settings, though -- I can understand why an 18-year-old woman might get annoyed/sickened/creeped out by 60-year-old men sending her messages. That said, there definitely are some being ridiculously narrow on those settings, a level of narrowness they wouldn't bother with in real life. And some men are just dreaming with their settings -- for God's sake, just don't put any settings down at all rather than mess with people with an 18-30 setting when you are 50.

All that said, I don't often come across such a profile. Maybe a couple of times per search? In my age range, 90% of female profiles have no text requirements or preferences whatsoever (mail settings are another story). I mean, it's definitely a double-edged sword: I'd waste a lot less time if more women listed preferences and requirements, but I never message profiles that have a bunch of preferences and requirements, so it's like nobody can win!

As for me, I get one first contact email every 3 months on this thing -- there is absolutely no reason for me to have to put a big list of requirements on my profile to keep the wolves at bay. Though I might if I had any. But I don't. Just one, really: I must be attracted to her. Which is impossible to "quantify" in a profile.

"Lots of people are lazy and they want the software to find them the perfect mate, usually, right away, if not sooner."

It is computer dating, is it not? Isn't the idea to have it filter out bad matches to make your experience more efficient than in real life? (That is, of course, the IDEAL computer dating scenario, NOT neccessarily POF's philosophy, since more inefficiency means more money for them.)

"For example, the rock music statement you gave would simply not be enough for me."

I don't think I've ever come across a character limit, but I always send a decent-sized email to wordy profiles (assuming they don't have a bunch of requirements on them!) because I figure, as you say, if they took the time to write such a profile, then they deserve to have a little more effort than normal in my emails. It's pretty obvious from my posts I could max out the message size in an initial email easily, but most women claims long initial emails freak them out and it's just not efficient -- quantity matters as much as quality when the typical response to a mail first contact is around 5-10% on a site. It's extremely rare that a woman with a brilliant profile writes me back no matter what I write -- and it's understandable, since it doesn't matter what you write if they aren't attracted to you! That's why a short initial email usually makes a lot more sense: it's just a gauge to see if they find you attractive before you start getting into the meat of things.
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