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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > I want a quick "first meet", he wants a leisurely dinner!      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 220
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner! Page 10 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

I personally have not had a problem- some I have met for sinner, others for coffee, some shopping at Home Depot!
Gotta love typos!
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 221
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 6:44:52 PM
Freudian typos, I call them!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 222
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 6:47:04 PM

Knowing that women are far more vulnerable when meeting a stranger should be enough for a man who actually wants to meet a woman to compl;y with her request.


How so? If both agree to meet at a public place, whether it's a coffee shop or a restaurant for a relatively short period of time, how is the woman vulnerable or in grave danger? If a woman's spidey senses start tingling within the first few seconds or minutes after meeting someone, she has the option of immediately leaving.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 223
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/12/2013 12:11:09 PM

How so? If both agree to meet at a public place, whether it's a coffee shop or a restaurant for a relatively short period of time, how is the woman vulnerable or in grave danger?


Does a woman have to be in “grave danger” for her concerns to be considered legitimate?

Common sense should tell you women are more vulnerable than men, in general, and if a woman meets a man off here he is a stranger to her…she doesn’t know what he’s capable of. You may see yourself as a decent guy, but probably not all the guys on here are decent…and probably they don’t advertise that on their profiles.

If a man was resistant to meeting me in a way I was comfortable with, I’d know he’s not a man I’m interested in knowing.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 224
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/12/2013 12:52:08 PM

I don't do coffee meets. I did one.. will never do it again. Why should I bow to her set of "rigid rules"?

But she should bow to yours??
I can see many situations where coffee or a drink, or just going for ice cream, makes a lot more sense for a first meet, rather than a prolonged dinner date. If a man and woman( or 2 men, 2 women,whatever!) have a brief meet&greet over coffee, a drink, ice cream, in a bookstore, museum,park(well populated), and hit it off, THEN set up the dinner date or evening at the opera...


But do they want to pay for your dinner? If so they probably want some kind of payment at the end of it.

I'm sorry to say that this is the thought crossing my mind.
To be scruplously fair, many men over 45 have pretty much been brought up believing that a nice date is the only proper way to court a lady. But my guess would be that most of them land about in the middle-they think a nice dinner date is the way to court getting lucky afterward.


Nobody can make a case for "coffee" making them feel safer. It's silly.

No, I think what the brief "coffee" or "drink" date is about being able to cut things short without feeling guilty( or being MADE to feel guilty). Really, other than the aforementioned guys who believe that a dinner date is the ONLY way to go, I mean really, guys, you don't sometimes find yourself in a dinner date you wish you HADN'T set up( or agreed to)?
Frankly, wouldn't the non-dinner meeting cut out a lot of this deal with women-we hear about them all the time!- who use online dating as a source of free meals and entertainment?


Does a woman have to be in “grave danger” for her concerns to be considered legitimate?

Indeed.

Obviously, if 2 people cannot come to a compromise about where and how that first meeting is conducted, what would be the sense of going on?
Yes, I do GET that a quite a few guys think that the nice dinner date is the only way to go, and when they were like 23 yrs old and looking for their first wife, that may have been true.
But things have changed, and particularly when it comes to having a first time in-person encounter with someone you only know from typing on a screen, talking on the phone, or yes, even from some sort of video chat/Skype, arranging something that can be cut fairly short if there is no ground to continue, makes sense. It doesn't have to be about the woman fearing for her personal safety, surely you guys have had dates that you wish you wouldn't have set up? Women that you found unattractive, unappealing,incompatible or just plain annoying/irritating? And no, it doesn't have to be about someone lying on her profile or using old/inaccurate pictures. Sometimes, no matter how attractive and interesting someone seems on paper( a computer screen), in person, it just doesn't carry through.

To speak directly to the OP, no, you are not somehow wrong, misinformed, or misguided if you prefer the first meeting to be (possibly) brief, and low-key/inexpensive. As to why you seem to be running into so many men who are adamant that the first meeting be a full-on dinner date, I think several things might be in play-some of them basically good,some not so much.
Cindy O
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 225
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/12/2013 1:16:00 PM

But my guess would be that most of them land about in the middle-they think a nice dinner date is the way to court getting lucky afterward.

Get lucky? Really? Give me a break. Sometimes I have to double check that I am actually in the over 45 forums.

OOOHHH .. I got laid and it only cost me dinner.... I'm SO lucky.. I should play lotto...
 boaterguy7
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 226
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/12/2013 5:01:20 PM
Depends. There are "quick meets" and there are "introductions." If I'm going to spend 5 or 10 minutes drinking coffee and leaving, I would rather just introduce ourselves and leave. You can decide to go on a date from that. Personally, I wouldn't meet the first time if I didn't think there was some connection via emails or phone calls. I definitely wouldn't "argue back and forth" about going for coffee vs. going to dinner...life is way too short.
 wt1
Joined: 4/21/2009
Msg: 227
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/13/2013 4:23:43 PM
Just tell 'em, you've got so many dates lined up there isn't any time available for a night out.

I'm like you are, best to meet and find out if you want more. Let's face it. Anyone could post anything. Might be able to send the perfect message or have a perfect phone call. That won't tell you if you like being around them, for whatever reason.

What's the point in starting a romance if you can't look each other in the eyes and feel "it"?
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 228
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/14/2013 7:57:50 PM
I know what you mean. It's generous if they offer to buy a meal and everything, but if you say you'd rather just have a coffee, then they should listen. I find it quite controlling if a guy 'insists' on a meal. Usually it ends there because I won't be forced into it. Any meeting has got to be a two-way thing and if both disagree, then a compromise. If he doesn't want to compromise, it's a concern.

There is another aspect that I don't like too - the idea that he wants to make the meet into a big thing, you know very romantic as if you'r already his girlfriend and it's a special occasion. That's just not appropriate for a first meet and again it seems controlling.

I'd have to know someone much better to feel comfortable going out for a meal with them.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 229
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/15/2013 4:45:56 AM

I'd have to know someone much better to feel comfortable going out for a meal with them.

Good freaking grief... really? So the next time a potential business client calls me and says "let's do lunch" I should INSIST on coffee first so I can be "comfortable"? It's the same thing right? Having a meal with someone you don't know hoping to establish a relationship. How can people be SO socially inept? Are you people REALLY over 45?

No matter how many times I read this nonsense.... I will always be amazed by it.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 230
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/15/2013 6:20:33 AM
I consider myself introverted and do not have to meet lots of people at work and usually lunch alone, but I prefer meeting over dinner rather than just coffee. I take (took) the time with emails and phone conversations beforehand to feel reasonably comfortable sharing a meal, even if I knew there would probably be no long term interest after having met. And I didn't feel any less safe. I also didn't think they were looking for payback after having paid for the (lowcost) meal for which I always offered to pay my share. Coffee meets to me seem like cheesy speed dating, one email, quick meet to size the person up...Not my thing.
 pageforyou
Joined: 7/1/2011
Msg: 231
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/15/2013 6:22:32 AM
Msg 255 We are not talking about business meets and you know it! However, even business meets are something women need to get solid references for before the first in person meeting. A lovely young realtor in my home town, was murdered recently when doing something she did all the time! Showing property. It happens. More than you think, more than you know. There is no point in living in fear over it so most of us take precautions. We have stated ours. YOU don't like them, nuff said.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 232
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/15/2013 6:30:32 AM

A lovely young realtor in my home town, was murdered recently

Person was killed in car crash.. don't drive
Person was killed in plane crash.. don't fly
Person was robbed at ATM.. don't go to ATM
Person was killed by meteor last night .. now what?
Are you beginning to see a pattern of the ludicrous here?


There is no point in living in fear

Duh.. and you are no safer over freaking coffee than you are over dinner. Nuff said
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 233
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/15/2013 6:40:07 AM
I guess I should add to my post that I did feel slightly guilty the day after dinner when I had to tell the gentlemen I dined with I didn't think we had potential. I wonder how the men feel after paying for dinner and getting rejected afterwards. Anyone?.... To be clear, being introverted, I always met with the hopes of a connection, feeling anxiety, etc. -not for a free dinner.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 234
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/15/2013 6:59:59 AM

I did feel slightly guilty the day after dinner when I had to tell the gentlemen I dined with I didn't think we had potential

My favorite thing is to meet with "options". Meet for a drink at a bar with an option for dinner and then maybe do something after dinner if we like. If the woman KNOWS this isn't going anywhere, I believe it is wrong to accept the additional option when offered.

With that said, I will often go out simply because *I* want to go out. This may include just dinner or dinner with something special like the ballet, symphony, play, etc. A woman should not feel guilty if I invite her to something like this and there is no connection. I just want us to have a nice evening.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 235
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:09:13 AM
^^^Thanks, me too. I hope most guys feel this way. I think some tire of rejection and is why they prefer the 'coffee' meet. It just feels too much like an 'interview' for me... Too much anxiety. I'd rather have a drink and a bite to eat.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 236
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/15/2013 10:06:49 AM
I think that a certain amount of (reasonable) flexibility is needed by BOTH genders. And I think we ALL need to understand that we may not share or even GET our opposite genders' perspective.

I do get a little tired of men who try to ridicule women for exhibiting a greater degree of caution. Or they equate a dating dinner to a business lunch or dinner. (That's apples to oranges.)

Nobody here is suggesting that they themselves-or anyone else!-is cowering in their house because they fear everything! I dunno, maybe it's different in big cities, but these days one seldom encounters people doing "door to door" sales, or organizational fund-raising via door-to-door sales. Why do you reckon that is?( yes I know that the internet, "big box" stores,etc have afffected the way products are sold) but I also believe that a large part of the reason that we so seldom see a door-to-door salesperson anymore, is out of safety concerns.)

I can also relate to feeling bad for a guy because our dinner date was not going to lead to more dating-that's a large part of the reason that I prefer something less elaborate. However, I do get that sometimes people-especially guys-just want an opposite-gender companion for an activity( dinner, a concert, or even spectating a sports event.)

That's why I say that some flexibility is a good idea. But flexibility is not the same as allowing oneself to be bullied, buffaloed or argued into a 'first meet" scenario that is uncomfortable. Coffee or a drink "with the option" is a good idea but I don't think the concept is actually breaking news for people who've participated in dating from the 'net.
Respect for one anothers' feelings is important, until such time as someone disrespects or dismisses the other persons' feelings and thoughts as "wrong". It seems to me that there ought to be room for differing opinions here, but some posters think the their way is the only way.
Yes, although I prefer to do something OTHER than a first meet over dinner( or lunch or breakfast-yes I HAVE done first meets over breakfast if that was the best way to handle logistics!), I can appreciate that some men feel like a "dinner date" is the PROPER way to do things,but an "Oh I don't want to put you to that much trouble when we really don't know one another yet" and a suggestion/discussion of reasonable alternatives, is often understood better than a flat statement of "No, I don't want to do that."
Cindy O
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 237
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/15/2013 10:39:07 AM

I don't do coffee meets. I did one.. will never do it again. Why should I bow to her set of "rigid rules"?


Is irony completely lost on you? You both have rigid rules.


Good freaking grief... really? So the next time a potential business client calls me and says "let's do lunch" I should INSIST on coffee first so I can be "comfortable"? It's the same thing right? Having a meal with someone you don't know hoping to establish a relationship. How can people be SO socially inept? Are you people REALLY over 45?


If that same client said he wanted to meet with you, he only has an hour for coffee and a roll at starbucks on the way to the airport, I am quite sure you won't get irate about it.

I study fear as a part of market dynamics, people are most afraid of events that are rare, like a shark attack, yet they aren't afraid of driving a car.

This is just the way people behave, I go with the flow and see what happens. It's such a small thing to say ok, let's meet for coffee.


My favorite thing is to meet with "options". Meet for a drink at a bar with an option for dinner and then maybe do something after dinner if we like. If the woman KNOWS this isn't going anywhere, I believe it is wrong to accept the additional option when offered.


The few women I met, it was like that, I would meet at dave and busters, but I didn't offer the option ahead of time, it was only something I would suggest if things were going well, and you have the option of playing pool or eating.

It's really a no win situation, someone will complain either about the high cost of dinning out, or trapped with a boring person over dinner, or complain about women being too afraid to date. No doubt you have enough money that you don't care, not everyone is like that.

The only sure thing is someone will complain, lucky for me I don't care what most people think, I take most of it as a very amusing sideshow of life.
 psjpirate
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 238
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 3/21/2013 7:45:10 PM
If you argue with the man before you even met him, I think you should stay home..
 All2rosie
Joined: 2/3/2013
Msg: 239
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 3/23/2013 9:17:41 AM
At first I was not understanding why if you are interested in some one you would 'meet and greet' rather than dinner. Thanks to reading and 'talking' to some members it is more apparent why (and I must say some stories would make great bathroom reading). Meet ups reveal allllll kinds of things before real-time-in-person-conversation occurs.

OP - to answer your original question, it depends on what is taking place between you and the person you are interested in as well as what is going to be comfortable to both of you. Each form of first contact has its advantages and disadvantages as you can see from the posts to this topic.

There is no right or wrong answer for this question.....you should read some comments under the dating topic ...lol
 horses44
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 240
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 3/23/2013 10:25:40 AM
My God there are over 250 responses to this topic....yes I did a glance through and get the sense that there are differing opinions...some seem nearly fanatical that meeting for dinner is the only option...others fear for their lives...

The answer is simplistic - whatever feels like a good fit for both, for me personally I go for the coffee meet and greet for the simple point that it is little investment of money and a BOTH PARTIES decide if their is a connection...or not. If I had e-mailed and spoken with someone and there was a good rapport and he INSISTED that we go to dinner I would probably go as long as I wasn't getting any creepy vibes that he was a loon and control freak. My experience has been that first meets for dinner "usually" struggle and honestly I am not sure why.

Being older and wiser, I do a good job of separating the kooks from potential dating partners - and by and large the fellas I communicate with are on the same page as me - lets keep the first meeting simple and see if there is chemistry
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 241
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 3/23/2013 10:42:44 AM

keep the first meeting simple and see if there is chemistry

.. and they say men are "superficial" ...
 horses44
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 242
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 3/23/2013 2:33:49 PM
^^^^^^

Good grief

For whatever reason when I read that I was reminded of a Seinfeld episode - Jerry and Elaine are standing in line and some guy dressed as a clown goes nuts...and as clown walks away Jerry says "That is one angry clown"

Message 253 wt1 - You stated it succintly
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 243
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 3/24/2013 3:17:13 AM

psjpirate
If you argue with the man before you even met him, I think you should stay home.


I think I see why your Ex is your Ex. Maybe she'd be better off staying home, then going out with someone with control issues.
 turnitover1959
Joined: 2/15/2013
Msg: 244
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 3/26/2013 3:22:18 PM
A coffee makes it seem like a job interview. Dinner or something else fun makes it seem more like a date.
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