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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > I want a quick "first meet", he wants a leisurely dinner!      Home login  
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 scb19a
Joined: 5/22/2012
Msg: 51
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner! Page 3 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
p.s. some of my quick meet, coffee or leisurely lunch have turned into 3-4 hour where did the time go dates. :)
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 52
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 8:51:23 AM

Just out of curiousity, how much effort would you expect from the guy on a first meet in terms of his appearance, clothing and hygiene?

Also, if you met someone under RL circumstances like a bar or other outing, gave them your phone number and they invited you to dinner, would you still be as insistant on coffee and drinks vs dinner?

Honestly, I don't think I can recall the last time I met a woman in RL who turned me down on a drinks and dinner invitation for a first date... though it sure seemed to happen a fair bit on POF....


LOL! Well, first off, let me clarify for those who don't know my casual and twisted sense of humor....that I was only 1/2 JOKING about the effort I put into "a date".

But, since YOU ask the question about what I'd EXPECT from a man in terms of his appearance and clothing. If it were an afternoon "meet for coffee", I'd expect him to be in jeans....probably dirty from work, construction boots, hard hat hairdo and in serious need of a nail brush! LOL! I say this, because when I was meeting after work....this is how I would HAVE to look, or he'd have to give me a few hours to go home and get showered and cleaned up. But, probably was a big part of the reason that I didn't do a lot of "after work meets" because after putting in a 10-12 hr shift, after work....I wanted to go home and collapse....not put on make up and high heels. (Which....I ALWAYS, 100% of the time....wore/wear when I'm not "working".)

Re the scenario of meeting face to face and then being asked out to dinner is NOT the same as meeting online, exchanging a few emails and THEN being asked to dinner before the face to face meet.

I can't honestly speak for other women in RL and what they accept or turn down....but I certainly don't think that the OP is being unrealistic or overly cautious/picky by requiring a more casual and shorter term first meet.

Personally, I don't really want to see the polished, pretentious, public personnae first thing. I'd rather see who someone is in RL....24/7. Most people are capable of cleaning up pretty good.....so I want to see the "what you see is what you get" version.....IF I really think that it's someone I could click with. If it's just a meet because I don't have anything better to do.....then go for the polish....who knows, some charmer might slip you HIS phone number while your date is in the men's room.

LOL! Probably a good thing that I don't date huh????
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 53
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 8:59:10 AM

I explain to them that if we don't hit it off then we can part ways after a short amount of time, and if we do hit it off, then we can extend our meet, or make an official "date" to see each other again.


I totally agree, makes perfect sense.


Some men have just flat out disagreed with this.


They're DORKS - be glad you found out before you met them.
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 54
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 9:10:15 AM
i have a solution..u meet for drinks at the restaurant..and if he misrepresents himself..u stay for 1 drink and say u have to get going (make up an excuse) women are good at that..lol..
if, however, he is what he says he is..and u feel that 'instant chemistry'..then by all means..have a few appetizers or even a full meal. No harm..no foul..capish?
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 55
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 11:02:21 AM

I'm with you. I want to meet someone in a casual setting and see where they are coming from and give them the opportunity to run like hell when they first set eyes on me. I also try to imply that the first meeting is a "dutch treat", but generally I will pick up the tab unless she is a total B. I guess someone insists on a nice dinner because they are trying to impress you. Personally, I'm hoping who I am comes through..


OMG you imply the first meeting is a dutch treat? Would prefer a man that was trying to impress me rather than one that was not.. lol
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 56
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 11:07:41 AM

I also try to imply that the first meeting is a "dutch treat"...

What do you say??? Don't forget your purse, honey??

I think that's hilarious... you don't want to pay, don't offer. No one should expect it.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 57
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 11:35:39 AM

I guess someone insists on a nice dinner because they are trying to impress you.


OF COURSE I'm trying to impress them.

They have already impressed me with their messages, their conversation and their beauty.

Why wouldn't I want to impress them?

When I write a profile or e-mail I'm trying to impress them. When I wear an ironed shirt I'm trying to impress them. When I buy them dinner I'm trying to impress them. When I allot multiple hours of my time to focus on them exclusively I'm trying to impress them.

And I would certainly hope that they're trying to impress me as well.

An amazing woman should have every opportunity to see me at my best, at how considerate, thoughtful and charming I can be, at how generous with my time and attention I can be, and at how focussed on them I can be. Yes, it's not how I will be all of the time, but there is always time to see those sides.

Women are smart. They KNOW that the men they are with will look awful some days, will be upset some days, and will be busy or unfocussed some days. They know that there will be that side of me because every person has those sides. They know that not every day will be chocolate and roses or wine and hor d'oeuvres.

What I want a woman to remember on our first meeting is how handsome I can be, how considerate I can be, how kind and generous I can be, how funny and charming I can be, and how organized and thoughtful I can be. What I want them to remember is that while not every day will be chocolate and roses, SOME days will be chocolate and roses. SOME days will be wine and hors d'oeuvres. SOME days will be quiet dinners and a complete focus upon them.

Dinner is a leap of faith -- a demonstration that you are willing to take the gamble that they deserve your time, and yes, a few dollars without one Eye towards the door. A declaration that at the slightest sign of trouble you aren't just going to write them off, that you are going to try to listen to THEM as complete human beings, and that you are willing to peel away the layers, even if the first few layers are guarded by spikes and walls.

This isn't about NOT being myself, this is about showing that there is MORE to me than any profile, picture or e-mail can define, more to me than the words I speak or the smile on my face. It's about trying to show that I am a man of Substance.

It's about making sure that Special woman can see that I too am a Special kind of man.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 58
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 11:43:39 AM

I'm with you. I want to meet someone in a casual setting and see where they are coming from and give them the opportunity to run like hell when they first set eyes on me. I also try to imply that the first meeting is a "dutch treat", but generally I will pick up the tab unless she is a total B. I guess someone insists on a nice dinner because they are trying to impress you. Personally, I'm hoping who I am comes through...and I would be much too stiff and nervous on a dinner date. OK, so here's one guy in your corner.

ABSOLUTELY!!!!! I want to be impressed by WHO a person IS...not by their shoes or their wrist watch. I don't trust people who try to hard to "impress me"...LOL! it really makes me wonder what they're trying to hide.

I had a guy once....years ago, who got all huffy with me because he asked me to pick where we'd meet and I choose "Denny's" LOL! He said that most women would have picked Applebys!!! I wonder why he choose to invite ME for coffee...knowing full well that I am a construction worker. It's what I do...it's who I AM, and I make NO excuses for it.

This kinda leads me to ask.....HOW many dates do you have to go on before you expect to see the REAL person??? Nothing against eating dinner....but it's kind of distracting don't you think? Great entertainment value I guess, but I'm more interesting in knowing......."IF I were stranded on a desert island for the rest of my life with this person....could we entertain EACH OTHER?" Could we find interesting things to talk about and do, IF there were no waitress interrupting the coversation ever 10 mins., if there were no patrons with Donald Trumph hairdos to make fun of. I think a picnic would be far more suitable for determining this than a "nice dinner"....which is all show. (mostly)

In fairness however, we may have overlooked the possibility that the man just wants someone (anyone) to have dinner with....because he's too insecure to go into a restaurant and eat alone.
Still, the woman's (OPs) comfort level is with shorter meets just for coffee...and I still think that it should darned well be respected...regardless of the psychology.
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 59
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 11:44:02 AM
Its just incredible the games that people play. If you are going to prepare for and plan for a date, why not assume things are going to work out? Why go in with this attitude that you want to be able to have a quick getaway if necessary? I have said it before and will again. Some women are their own worst enemies. Negativity, obstructions, restrictions . . any reason they can come up with to not want to date a guy. Wow.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 60
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 11:46:52 AM

Dinner is a leap of faith -- a demonstration that you are willing to take the gamble that they deserve your time, and yes, a few dollars without one Eye towards the door. A declaration that at the slightest sign of trouble you aren't just going to write them off, that you are going to try to listen to THEM as complete human beings, and that you are willing to peel away the layers, even if the first few layers are guarded by spikes and walls.

Exactly. ANY date these days is definitely a leap of faith and it is very competitive. One needs to be discerning before agreeing to meet anyone for a date and this all goes with the territory.

Sometimes you have to go the extra mile. Especially when you say that you have to "make it up for not being much to look at". Back when I used to date from here, I had a few who chose dinner as a 1st date. Although these dates did not ultimately turn into relationships, they became nice companions to do things with. After that 1st date, we took turns paying.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 61
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 11:55:44 AM
I usually expect to have a meet in a coffee shop or bookstore first.
I usually assume the person I'm meeting feels the same.

I'm not opposed to meeting for dinner. I do expect to pay my share
at least. Sometimes meeting at a bookstore turns into dinner at a
restaurant.

I think most people just want to avoid having to spend time with someone
they've decided they really don't like. Unless you try, I'm not sure how
you'd know. I'd never even make plans to meet someone I didn't like.

I certainly wouldn't come out and say I want to meet for coffee so I can
leave quickly if I don't like what I see, but after being online for a while,
I can see why others THINK that.

There is a difference between thinking stuff and saying it out loud though.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 62
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 12:01:48 PM
why not assume things are going to work out? Why go in with this attitude that you want to be able to have a quick getaway if necessary? I have said it before and will again. Some women are their own worst enemies. Negativity, obstructions, restrictions . . any reason they can come up with to not want to date a guy. Wow.


Exactly.
This helps to explain why so many physically attractive women, who actually DO appeal to many men physically, are still single. Because if people want to claim that it's all based on looks, then there has to something else to explain why very physically attractive people who get a lot of attention, are still single.
Attitude counts for a lot.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 63
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 12:03:54 PM

ABSOLUTELY!!!!! I want to be impressed by WHO a person IS...not by their shoes or their wrist watch. I don't trust people who try to hard to "impress me"...LOL! it really makes me wonder what they're trying to hide.

This kinda leads me to ask.....HOW many dates do you have to go on before you expect to see the REAL person??? Nothing against eating dinner....but it's kind of distracting don't you think? Great entertainment value I guess, but I'm more interesting in knowing......."IF I were stranded on a desert island for the rest of my life with this person....could we entertain EACH OTHER?" Could we find interesting things to talk about and do, IF there were no waitress interrupting the coversation ever 10 mins., if there were no patrons with Donald Trumph hairdos to make fun of. I think a picnic would be far more suitable for determining this than a "nice dinner"....which is all show. (mostly)


You're talking about impressing with material possessions. That's an entirely a different kettle of fish than trying to impress with a well planned date.

Trying too hard wouldn't impress you. However would not trying at all impress you more?

Why can't it be both? Why does it have to be either/or? One or the other?

Too often people try to break down things into either/or propositions. Rich or kind, smart but socially inept, athletic but stupid. Why Can't a Man be more than one of these things?

A Man can be financially secure, smart, athletic, kind and socially skilled. A Man can be charming and brilliant, funny and serious, and organized and spontaneous at the same time.

Why can't a setting be intimate and real, entertaining in venue AND entertaining to eachother?

Great guys Can walk and chew gum at the same time...
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 64
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 12:25:40 PM

Grandmabooboo
ABSOLUTELY!!!!! I want to be impressed by WHO a person IS...not by their shoes or their wrist watch. I don't trust people who try to hard to "impress me"...LOL! it really makes me wonder what they're trying to hide.

I had a guy once....years ago, who got all huffy with me because he asked me to pick where we'd meet and I choose "Denny's" LOL! He said that most women would have picked Applebys!!! I wonder why he choose to invite ME for coffee...knowing full well that I am a construction worker. It's what I do...it's who I AM, and I make NO excuses for it.


You go Girl. My late wife and I went to Applebys twice and thought it was over priced for crappy chain food. We'd rather go to Denny's because we liked their Breakfast menu. Then I'm just a blue collar guy and she didn't like spending money on over priced 'so-so' food.

I can see I'm going to have problems with online dating as the last time I was in the dating pool was 30 years ago and anyone I dated I met IRL and had spent some time with before asking them out. Even if I met them in a bar setting I'd have spent some time with them there.
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 65
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 12:46:48 PM

Exactly. This helps to explain why so many physically attractive women, who actually DO appeal to many men physically, are still single.


Lets call a spade a spade here. There is only one reason that a woman wants a quick getaway, and that is because if the guy is not physically appealing enough for her to want to stick around, she wants to be able to get away Nothing wrong with that, but nobody is going to know anything beyond the physical surface with a quick meet and greet. Even a lengthy dinner will be only touching the surface.

The bottom line is this . . its all about looks. And yet there are women here who will deny that fact. There are women here who self righteously proclaim they are not changing anything just to meet a guy and that guys who care about looks are “shallow”. But if guys are shallow because they place so high a priority on looks, women are the same, and those who demand a quick meet and greet are worse, because the guys wanting to have a dinner are at least saying, “let me give it a shot, lets see if we might like each other regardless of looks”. The women are saying . . no looks . . no possibility.

That’s all speed dating is about. Looks. If the guy looks good, the first question is . . what do you do. If the guy appears to have financial stability . . you go from there. There is a chance.

 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 66
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 1:50:18 PM
OP: You might be wined and dined on his tab, with flowers, the man's smiling, engaging you in a delightful conversation, enjoying your company creepy-free, and he won't expect a back seat romp!

Why would you settle less than that?
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 67
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 1:54:28 PM

OP: You might be wined and dined on his tab, with flowers, the man's smiling, engaging you in a delightful conversation, enjoying your company creepy-free, and he won't expect a back seat romp!

Why would you settle less than that?


I never expect more than a hug and a peck on the cheek.

Of course, Momma didn't raise no fool.

If the feelings are mutual and the person is right, I wouldn't turn down a nightcap..
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 68
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 2:10:25 PM

They have already impressed me with their messages, their conversation and their beauty.


Whatever happened to the "it's not real until you meet them in person" theory?

I think the whole point of the shortened first meet is to separate the honest people from the fakes. The fastest way to expose a fake is to call them out into public. There have also been many threads written about people who have invested a great deal of time only to have that person disappear when it came to meeting, cancelling last minute or not showing up. Also quite a number of threads about people who have misrepresented themselves by lying about their age, height, weight and the list goes on.

IRL you at least have some idea of what the person is like when you agree to go on a date. Call it a pre-date. Let's get together in person to discuss our first date.


Dinner is a leap of faith


So eloquently put. Also known as a gamble. I'm just looking for more information before I place my bets.
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 69
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 2:23:56 PM

Lets call a spade a spade here. There is only one reason that a woman wants a quick getaway, and that is because if the guy is not physically appealing enough for her to want to stick around, she wants to be able to get away Nothing wrong with that, but nobody is going to know anything beyond the physical surface with a quick meet and greet. Even a lengthy dinner will be only touching the surface.

The bottom line is this . . its all about looks. And yet there are women here who will deny that fact. There are women here who self righteously proclaim they are not changing anything just to meet a guy and that guys who care about looks are “shallow”. But if guys are shallow because they place so high a priority on looks, women are the same, and those who demand a quick meet and greet are worse, because the guys wanting to have a dinner are at least saying, “let me give it a shot, lets see if we might like each other regardless of looks”. The women are saying . . no looks . . no possibility.


Once again I disagree with you. If people are honest about the pictures they put up on their profiles, looks should never be an issue. But here are a couple of scenerios where it would be great to have a get away.
1. They are shitfaced drunk
2. You go to give them a hug and they grab your boob or your ass
3. They are loud and unkind
There are many more.
But to suggest that all women are only there for the"looks" is totally unfair.

Why not meet for coffee and if it goes well head off to dinner? It dosen't mean that they are pessimistic or unkind, just that there can be certain things that will be a complete turn off.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 70
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 2:51:29 PM

But here are a couple of scenerios where it would be great to have a get away.
1. They are shitfaced drunk
2. You go to give them a hug and they grab your boob or your ass
3. They are loud and unkind

I don't need to be in a coffee shop to get away from a creep. I'd feel perfectly comfortable leaving any restaurant where a guy is a jerk just as easily.

I really don't understand the inability to get away if one needs to from ANYWHERE.

Are you kidding me?

Unless you feel locked in your seat until the bill arrives when they throw a cloth napkin on your lap :)
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 71
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 3:03:19 PM
OP: Gentlemen, do you insist on dinner as a first date vs the quick meet?

No, I’d prefer a short meet-up. The odds of finding chemistry here are slim. And it’s not that they’re awful. I just don’t want to spend an evening over dinner with someone I won’t be seeing again. It’s hard enough making time for my friends and family. So I like to keep it short.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 72
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 3:08:16 PM

Whatever happened to the "it's not real until you meet them in person" theory?


I trust my judgement.

When it comes to dinner dates, I've very rarely gotten it wrong.

Significant age differences are remarkably hard to hide. Given that my dating age requirements are quite broad, I have yet to go on a dinner date where a difference between stated and actual age was a significant factor. If a woman wants to retain some of her vanity, I can live with that.

Height is irrelevant to me. I've dated women from 4'10" to 6'2".

In terms of significant deviation in weight (more than +- 10-15 pounds), they nearly always come clean just prior to a date if their weight is significantly different than advertised when pushed on the topic.

Lies about career or seniority are not important. A woman's career/job is also not in my dating equations. CEO or Barrista, wealthy or just squeaking by, I am perfectly fine with either extreme and everything in between.

A woman's beauty is more than just a list of attributes or her physique. Yes, physique counts for something, but I don't necessarily need to see a woman's physique to realize she is beautiful. She may not be the one for me, but she will still be beautiful.

Do I ignore lies? Of course not. If they start raising what I consider to be red flags, then they go in the "negatives" box, then I go from there. If there are too many things in that box, they never get to a dinner date.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 73
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 3:29:53 PM
It may be the most important thing in a meet and greet to ensure that both parties are _comfortable_.

The guy should have agreed to your meeting terms simply because that is what you are comfortable with. Insisting on placing you in a situation in which you are not fully comfortable from the very start is shortsighted on his part and a red flag as far as I'm concerned.

He is also showing very little to no adaptability. Apparently, he cannot (or does not know how to) make things work unless they are his way. Another red flag.

Dinner implies having his attention and yours diverted from what you both _really_ want to know. That is, how do the two of you get along when you are entirely by yourselves. Specifically, can the two of you have a conversation by yourselves, make each other laugh, share opinions, discuss a variety of topics and, establish the mutual ability to be engaging for each other. Lack of focus on his part to keep his eye on the aforementioned goal and the method to achieve it, another red flag.

It shows little foresight on his part. While he may be an optimist (a good thing) he is not considering all the possibilities. That is, that either one of you or both, may actually wish at some time to end the meet quickly and gracefully for whatever reason. Lack of foresight, another red flag.

He is showing little maturity and little "game". In our age range, we've long ago learned starting simple is good and, we've learned how to go from simple into more elaborate smoothly. We've also learned that the process is not only useful and prudent but, enjoyable when there is a match. Inability to see the obvious, another red flag.

I could go on but, I think there are enough red flags already to host a communist parade.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 74
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 3:44:22 PM
Well I personally prefer a coffee to a big drawn out dinner for a first meet because it's downright awkward having a guy pull out all the stops when you aren't interested. I'm not the 'date for a free meal' kinda gal.. it makes me feel guilty somehow, whether that's logical or not. If it's just coffee, he wasn't out too much money and I don't have to feel awkward or guilty. It isn't the length of time that is the issue, it's the money.

I also think it's hilarious that some men are complaining that a woman would prefer coffee, when often it's the other way around.. complaining that women lead them on when all they wanted was a 'free meal'. With all due respect, some guys make it way too easy to get played. I would rather simply get to know someone over coffee than have him try to impress me with the contents of his wallet. It amazes me what a novel idea that seems to be.
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 75
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 4:12:11 PM
@janet always,
don't you think it would be a wee bit less embarassing if you aren't seated in a nice restaurant? I get what you are saying, but sitting a nice place and having some guy start screaming and cussing during the telling of a story is a rather mortifying. Guess we all have different comfort levels.
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