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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > I want a quick "first meet", he wants a leisurely dinner!      Home login  
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 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 76
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner! Page 4 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

@janet always,
don't you think it would be a wee bit less embarassing if you aren't seated in a nice restaurant? I get what you are saying, but sitting a nice place and having some guy start screaming and cussing during the telling of a story is a rather mortifying. Guess we all have different comfort levels.


that's ridiculous. Who does that except the fringe nut cases, and I assume after speaking on the phone with somebody a few times, you can filter out the nuts just through a conversation can't you? Wouldn't you talk before you agree to meet?
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 77
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 4:25:10 PM
People should be comfortable... bottom line, asking for less to reach for more shouldn't be a big deal.

To assume that people can't be other than they are until you meet them in person is foolish. People can hide many things till faced head on with stress, or ideals that don't match.

 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 78
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 4:43:59 PM
Abelian:
It's my money to spend and if a woman felt guilty about meeting me for dinner, I would think it's because she's already predisposed to the idea that she's probably not going to be interested in me.
That's a tad paranoid don't you think? What I'm saying is that a coffee meet prevents that awkward/guilty feeling. Why subject myself to the possibility if I don't have to? And besides, I'm not psychic.. I have no way of knowing how I'm going to feel in his presence until after the meet. Neither does he.

I am able to relax and enjoy the dinner experience when I already know I am interested in a man.

I happen to think it's bad economics in the long run to see how little you can get away with.
When the first meets don't lead to second dates (you've admitted elsewhere that 2nd dates are rare for you).. I wouldn't consider dinner all that economic myself. But we all determine such 'economic expenditures' for ourselves.

You can only get played by expecting something you shouldn't expect. If I'm not expecting anything more than dinner, I can hardly get played by paying for dinner. I trust my own judgment enough to not worry about some woman looking for a free meal. So far, I haven't encountered one of those women.
Cool, no need to take my post personally then.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 79
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 6:31:19 PM
Here we go again, the women seemingly taking opposite positions...What's the big deal about dinner? It doesn't have to be a fancy restaurant and people have to eat. I don't mind sitting through dinner with someone I don't think I'll have much interest in. And like some have said, I would talk to them on the phone enough beforehand that I would feel the company would be nice.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 80
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 7:14:35 PM
I also, didn't like meeting someone for the first time over dinner. Didn't like feeling obligated in any way.
I used to compromise, by agreeing to meet for a drink and a shared appetizer, if they objected to a coffee meet.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 81
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 8:28:24 PM

You're talking about impressing with material possessions. That's an entirely a different kettle of fish than trying to impress with a well planned date.

Trying too hard wouldn't impress you. However would not trying at all impress you more?

Why can't it be both? Why does it have to be either/or? One or the other?

Too often people try to break down things into either/or propositions. Rich or kind, smart but socially inept, athletic but stupid. Why Can't a Man be more than one of these things?

A Man can be financially secure, smart, athletic, kind and socially skilled. A Man can be charming and brilliant, funny and serious, and organized and spontaneous at the same time.

Why can't a setting be intimate and real, entertaining in venue AND entertaining to eachother?

Great guys Can walk and chew gum at the same time...


Good points Wanderer, and I apologize for not making it clear that while I was addressing one comment, I had another comment from another poster rambling around in the back of my brain. You are correct, that I mentioned only material things...because, that was my perception of the comment which was still taking a stroll through my rather busy mind. LOL!

Now, wandering through my mind IS.....have I EVER actually BEEN on a "well planned date"??? LOL! Honestly, I don't recall EVER saying to myself....."that was a well planned date....I'm impressed!" NEVER....not even once! I remember having dates which were FUN...but as I think back...they were barely planned at all...quite spontaneous actually.

But, as you point out, sometimes people can be BOTH sides of a coin, but I think you'd have to admit that that is pretty rare! At least....it has been in my own personal experience. I am reminded of one of the very BEST....I mean best of the BEST afternoon....coffee/lunch first meets I ever had. I'd talked to this man for well over a month, we found each other "interesting" and decided to meet face to face. We had a nice lunch, continued talking about the same things we'd talked about in online chat...burned up a good 3 hrs just talking...then said our "byebyes" and I got in my car to drive home. (nearly 1 hr drive) The entire drive home.....I was just DREADING checking my email when I got home....because this man was perfectly lovely, good looking, intelligent, polite, ....a good solid 8 ....and I was SURE that I was going to have to make up another 2 months worth of excuses for not being available for "dinner". Thinking that I just wanted to "get it over with" and take a nap....I read my email....and Bob...where ever you are today....I adore you!!!! LOL! This man very simply and politely stated that while I was a beautiful and charming and interesting lady....that he felt....NO CHEMISTRY!!!! LOL! Well, needless to say, my FIRST thought was.....HOW DARE THIS DWEEB!!!! Then....I just burst out laughing! It was absolutely PERFECT! I'd spent...at that time, about 2 years.... dodging 2nd dates and trying to find "rational" reasons to avoid a 2nd meet. This wonderfully direct and honest man had shown me....that I didn't need "excuses"....I just needed to be completely honest from the get go....politely, but definitely.

So, I think that what I'm saying also IS....that perhaps some of how we feel about the length of 1st meetings is somewhat based on past experiences. Until "Bob"....I'd NEVER had a man not ask for a 2nd "date"....and the whole "dating" ritual (for me) had become tedious to the point that I didn't even WANT to date anymore. I think that at that time.....I probably had more than 50 different "online chat" IDs....just to HIDE from the last "coffee date" that I'd had and so I wouldn't have to hurt anyone's feelings by rejecting a 2nd "date". Usually after I'd "disappear" for a month or so, they'd get the message...without me having to come right out and SAY the words.

The whole premise that insisting on a "short date" because the WOMAN wants a quick "get away" is just so much bitter nonsense. I "insist" on a "short date"....NOT because I'm negative, or have a "bad attitude", but BECAUSE of the exact OPPOSITE. I want my "date" to have that OPTION! Ya know....I REALLY did learn a lot from Bob that afternoon! Just because I had 6 dozen men "chasing after me" with their little tongues hanging out just waiting for a chance to take me to dinner (and begging me to please walk all over them in my 5" heels).....I still (15 yrs later) feel really bad that Bob felt compelled to sit and drink coffee with me for 2 more hours AFTER he'd already decided that there was NO CHEMISTRY.

I also notice that it's been ONLY the guys who mention CHEMISTRY....the women seem to be avoiding that factor?


You go Girl. My late wife and I went to Applebys twice and thought it was over priced for crappy chain food. We'd rather go to Denny's because we liked their Breakfast menu. Then I'm just a blue collar guy and she didn't like spending money on over priced 'so-so' food.

Behind-Blue-Eyes: LOL! I don't care about the prices so much as they (Applebees?sp) will only give you 1-2 cups of coffee...then they ignore you! LOL! They want you in and OUT....FAST. Denny's brings the pot to the table, and they leave you alone except when they bring a fresh pot!!!! :-) Us "blue collar" people KNOW, that if ALL we order is coffee and we take up booth space which could have provided the waitress with 3 separate tips in the same time frame....then we leave her a $10 tip minimum....and consider it "booth rental". LOL! I don't have a problem with a guy who wears jeans to a coffee meet (I don't own any jeans myself....since I retired, I never wear them anymore) but I'm NOT impressed by people who leave servers a poor tip...especially if the service was good and the server was pleasant and efficient. I think that's actually more important that what he wears or how well he's planned the "date".
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 82
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 8:45:51 PM
I also think it's hilarious that some men are complaining that a woman would prefer coffee, when often it's the other way around.. complaining that women lead them on when all they wanted was a 'free meal'. With all due respect, some guys make it way too easy to get played. I would rather simply get to know someone over coffee than have him try to impress me with the contents of his wallet. It amazes me what a novel idea that seems to be


Not all men are the same, any more than all women are the same.

As for getting played, I don't see it as getting played. I buy dinner for friends and family frequently. I buy dinner for colleagues and clients. I do not consider it an inconvenience.

I was raised to believe that the man pays for the first date. It's not something that I will apologize for, it's what I sincerely believe.
I was raised to believe that a man should put his best foot forward when entertaining a lady. Once again, something I will not apologize for, it's just what I believe.
I was raised to believe that a man shows his sincerity through effort. Coffee takes no effort on my part. A properly planned evening requires effort.

Having a meal with a person who is potentially interesting company is something that I don't mind doing.

Yes, some Men complain about paying for dinner. Some do it for financial reasons, some do it because they resent a lack of "progress" after dinner, others do it because they want to take some sort of principaled stand based upon their interpretation of equality. None of those apply to Me.

I believe a woman can maintain her integrity and equality and when I take her out to dinner. I also believe that she can do it with no obligation other than to try to enjoy the conversation and a delicious meal.

It has nothing to do with the wallet. The wallet is merely the price of admission. It's a symbol of respect, no different than bringing flowers, opening a door, pulling out a chair, or taking her coat.

If I were trying to impress you with my wallet, it wouldn't be with just a dinner, it would be with something truly special. However, those aren't for first dates. Those are for a woman who has proven that she is truly Special.

I find it a little bewildering how many people reduce something as simple as a dinner, which is a symbol of respect to a woman, to some sort of machiavellian scheme to trap or obligate a woman.

Buying a woman dinner for a first date is as much a part of who I am as refilling her glass of wine.


I still (15 yrs later) feel really bad that Bob felt compelled to sit and drink coffee with me for 2 more hours AFTER he'd already decided that there was NO CHEMISTRY.


You shouldn't feel bad at all. You were most likely good company, just not what he was looking for. He understood the rules, the risks, and the chance he was taking.

When you take a chance and it doesn't pan out, there's nobody to blame. It's not your fault, or his fault, or the restaurant's fault. You simply smile, you accept the result, and move on.

I wouldn't have regretted it for a moment, and I suspect neither would Bob.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 83
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/27/2012 8:46:31 PM
^^ I like the way you expressed that, well stated :)

Abelian:
Exactly how does that not validate what I posted?
Perhaps it's semantics, but I saw what you had posted as being suggestive of my assuming ahead of time that I wouldn't be interested. That isn't the case at all, why would I even decide to meet him if that is what I thought?

I am already interested mentally, certainly.. but that doesn't mean the physical will line up. And that is where the rubber meets the road after all. Most of the guys I have met have felt the same, we were on the same page as to the first meet being a sort of 'chemistry experiment'.

I have enough social grace to handle a couple of hours with someone who isn't Ms. Right, especially if I have already talked to her on the phone and know that a conversation is possible.
As do I. I am simply stating that I prefer it to be over coffee. I have had lengthy conversations over coffee with men I was not physically attracted to.. as I said earlier.. it isn't the time factor, it is the money thing that makes me uncomfortable. I realize it's his choice if he wants to spend it, and I don't think there is anything nefarious in a man's desire to take a woman out for something to eat. I am simply saying that I am more comfortable in a first meet over coffee.

But hey, we all have our preferences. I guess that's where communication is key.

And this is all very timely, since I just had a dinner date with a man I initially met over coffee, lol..
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 84
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 4:27:14 AM
wow..some very unusual posts. I think what happens here is that women think that if a guy buys her dinner, she is obligated to give him something in return..maybe its sex..maybe its a long kiss..maybe its a 2nd date. I think they are looking at this all wrong. I, myself have gone out to dinner with someone of the opposite sex, just for the company and conversation, with no expectations whatsoever at the end of either party.
If anything the OP is paranoid and maybe its something from her past that makes her feel this way? I primarily eat alone sun-thurs., when the weekend comes around, i like to treat myself and go out to dinner. If i can find a friend to go with..thats great, but most of my friends are married and i feel like a 3rd wheel.
I enjoy the company of women..all women and no matter what, i can hang with them for a couple of hours over dinner and i dont mind paying. As a matter of fact, why doesnt the OP suggest to her guy that they go dutch?, then maybe she wouldnt feel 'obligated' as she's paying her own way.As abelian has stated she either has a preconceived idea that she's not going to like this guy..or something from her past is making her paranoid.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 85
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 4:47:59 AM


Given that diatribe, I'd probably just take you to a strip club and buy you a lap dance.


Pointing out the proper behavior expected of an individual with a minimum of social graces is hardly a diatribe. Your statement, on the other hand, fully qualifies as one.

Additionally, a gentleman's proper behavior isn't only a matter of manners it is also a matter of class. It was completely improper for the OP's suitor to insist.






As abelian has stated she either has a preconceived idea that she's not going to like this guy..or something from her past is making her paranoid.


No preconceived ideas. Just a minimum of common sense. If the meet is great it can always be extended... if it isn't, it ended quickly and painlessly. To suggest the OP is paranoid because she would rather keep things simple is beyond ludicrous.

vvvvv

@Silver_t

Your thinking is sound and logical, not to mention completely within reasonable and acceptable social standards. It is _your_ first meet and any man who is somewhat of a gentleman _may_ suggest alternatives but, would _never_ insist on putting you in a situation you are not comfortable in.

@Wanderer




I must also be concerned about creating the best possible environment for the two of us to both present ourselves in the best possible light, as well as to learn about eachother.


And the best possible environment is to force her into an uncomfortable situation for her ? for the sake of _your_ comfort or what _you_ think is the best possible environment ? what about what she thinks ? Would that count someday ?

A man's first and foremost concern should be the comfort and safety of his date. PERIOD.

No wonder women are asking for "real men" in their profiles. I had no idea what they were talking about until now.

I hope all the ladies in POF read forum posts to determine the character and manners and their suitors before even answering a first message.

 Portlanderr
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 86
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 4:57:00 AM
Besides sitting through a long dinner with a man you may not want to be with (or he's married, lied about his age, drunk, etc), dressing up and going to a fancy restaurant the first time I meet someone feels like work to me, I've had many, many sales meetings over dinner with people I've just met. The first time I meet a man as a possible romantic partner, I want to be able to kick back and laugh, relax, and not have it feel like work. Not only do I want to feel comfortable, but I want him to feel that way too, and I want him to see the "real me".

I always chat on line with a man, talk by phone, and usually can decide from my phone call(s) if I want to meet him. But that's not foolproof . . . I have met a few men who were really into their alcohol, were married, who lied about their age . . . none of this I picked up from our phone conversations. But I did meet them for coffee or a drink, and was able to cut short our meet because their behaviors were deal breakers.

And I have met men who I have had no chemistry with, but equally some have had no interest in ME. That's okay too, a few I've met for coffee or a drink, we chat for a half hour, finish our beverages, and we part ways, knowing we'll never see each other again. A 2+ hour dinner with someone who I know I am not interested in . . . and him not interested in me . . .

And it's not about looks either. A man contacted me and he was very handsome, we exchanged a couple emails, talked on the phone, but when we met neither of us was attracted to the other, and we both knew it. We chatted easily over our coffee, but we both felt we were talking to our brother/sister, and knew we would never pursue romance with each other. We even laughed a little about it at the end of our "meet".

Gourmet Chef . . . I'm not paranoid, it's all about simply being comfortable when I first meet someone. And when I do agree to dinner the first time I meet a man, I ALWAYS offer to pay my way, so it's not about the money. Haven't you ever had dinner with a woman and it's awkward silence, or your date has behavior that is embarrassing, or she's not who she says she is (lied about her age, weight, marital status, etc.)? What do you do if you are having dinner, and learn your "date" is married?
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 87
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 5:05:44 AM
It's about asking someone out on a date and making it a priority that person is comfortable. If I were the one asking the man out, I would not insist he do something he was uncomfortable with doing just because that was my plan. If you invite someone out, that person is your guest, and it's your obligation as the host to make sure your guest is as comfortable as possible.


This is and isn't true.

As a Gentleman, yes, I am concerned about the comfort level of the company I choose. However, as a Man in search of a specific type of woman, I must also be concerned about creating the best possible environment for the two of us to learn about eachother as well as present ourselves in the best possible light.

While my personal preference is to go to dinner, I am in fact open to a variety of options.

However, how that Woman responds to our differences in preference can tell me many things. How does she approach conflict and disagreement?

Is she flexible in her thinking? Or will she harden her stance and demand compliance?
Will she try to convince me of the merits of her preference? Or will she choose not to communicate her point of view?
Will she look for common ground? Or will she demand that I disregard my own concerns?
Will she propose a creative solution? Or will she simply state that it's how she always meets a Man the first time?

What are her emotional reactions to the disagreement? Anger? Indignation? Empathy? Frustration? Playful joking? Or is she as calm as a still blue ocean?

All of her responses or lack of responses offer me clues into her nature and how she views me. What is her base level of trust towards me? What is her base level of interest? Does she see more as an equal or unequal partner? Does she look forward to the prospect of meeting a potentially exciting new Man? Or does her heart tell her that it will just end in another terrible disappointment?

While I would not walk away from a potential meeting with a Woman solely over her preference for Coffee over dinner, I have walked away from a potential meeting based upon How she approached that disagreement.

If this sounds like a test, it's because it is. Everything we do and say is a test while dating. A test of judgement, a test of intention, a test of commitment, and most importantly a test of Character.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 88
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 5:42:14 AM

While I would not walk away from a potential meeting with a Woman solely over her preference for Coffee over dinner, I have walked away from a potential meeting based upon How she approached that disagreement.


I agree something we all do..Sometimes online dating can make one very wary of agreeing to spend a block of time with someone you have never met..It seemed to me by reading through some of the responses men were not at all like their photo.. The only time I personally had that happen to me WAS with coffee dates..However that has been my experience and not what others might have encountered.. Because of that I am not at all wary of them..

Now as for preparing to meet I always prepared myself no matter what kind of meeting it was..I was bathed cleaned and appropriately dressed, and expected the same..
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 89
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 6:54:05 AM

The whole premise that insisting on a "short date" because the WOMAN wants a quick "get away" is just so much bitter nonsense. I "insist" on a "short date"....NOT because I'm negative, or have a "bad attitude", but BECAUSE of the exact OPPOSITE. I want my "date" to have that OPTION! Ya know...


So even if he does not want a short date YOU decide that is what he should want? He already expressed what he wants did he not? I listen when men speak to me and hear what their likes and dislikes are..I hope they do likewise.

nativerock
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 90
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 8:03:25 AM

And the best possible environment is to force her into an uncomfortable situation for her ? for the sake of _your_ comfort or what _you_ think is the best possible environment ? what about what she thinks ? Would that count someday ?

A man's first and foremost concern should be the comfort and safety of his date. PERIOD.

No wonder women are asking for "real men" in their profiles. I had no idea what they were talking about until now.

I hope all the ladies in POF read forum posts to determine the character and manners and their suitors before even answering a first message.


Or, perhaps before leaping to judgement you might have been behooved to read my entire thread of discussion... where in the THIRD message in this thread (#3) I said...


I always prefer dinner over coffee and a walk when possible. If a woman was not open to dinner, I would settle for coffee or a walk, but it was far from my first preference


... or where I said in message #12 I said...


There's a difference between respecting someone's wishes and ignoring your own preferences. It means the woman can expect the guy to voice his own preferences as well as consider hers.

Coffee, drinks, dinner, drinks and dinner all can work. However, I'm of the belief that if you really want to get to know someone you want a clear block of time set aside for conversation


Real Men can have nuanced opinions. And Real Women take the time to understand those opinions as well as voice their own.

Foot, meet mouth...
 Portlanderr
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 91
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 9:20:07 AM
To Abelian, kudos to you for never having a "meet" or "date" that was awkward or embarrassing . . . like you I stay the appropriate time and am not rude to my date even if they misrepresent themselves with their age, weight, etc.

However, if I meet up with a married man, this is different. I once chatted on line with a man whose profile says he's divorced, we talked on the phone, we wanted to then meet face to face. Over a drink he admits that he's married and is still living with his wife, but he wants to have an affair. I don't "date" married men!!! I will end our meet/date if I find out this information. I have no problem "investing" time with a man I've just met, but I do have standards . . .

And having dinner (or lunch, drink, coffee) with a married man who wants to "date" you really just wants to get you into bed . . . and it's uncomfortable, annoying, and I firmly but politely tell him I'm not interested, pay for my meal (or lunch, drink, coffee), and leave. I don't make a scene, and yeah, I just gracefully leave. And I actually laughed out loud when I read if I could have a conversation with a married man . . . trust me when I say that if I met a married man for a drink or dinner, he really doesn't want to "talk" much or get to know you, he has one thing on his mind, and it ain't the food! You are either naive Abelian or the sweetest man around.

And to the poster who wanted to know if I argue or disagree, etc. on where to meet with a potential date -- we negotiate, compromise. And I like to laugh and tease about it too. I'm not so rigid that I won't share a meal, but we keep suggesting places that we both can agree on. I am fortunate to have a lot of pubs around here . . . and I like beer too . . . so I'll suggest one of them so we can start with a drink, and go from there.
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 92
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 9:54:12 AM
yet OP u said in a previous post ..u said,.it WAS about the money....it made u feel 'uncomfortable', as maybe its an expensive restaurant or whathaveu.So, u had 1 bad date with a married man?..Big deal..chit happens..u handled it appropiately. But now you wont go out with a man to dinner, on a first date for fear that he may be married? Really, cut 'us' some slack, we're not all like that dude u met.I think abelian is on to something when he said you probably dont ask enough questions ahead of time to get to know the person..either by emails, phone, texts, or whatever. To avoid someone that misrepresents themselves or may be married, ask alot more questions. If they answer in vague terms..like where they work, where they live, do they go to the gym..(which one), what they like to do in their free time, etc..etc..then u know they may not be who they say they are.
 Portlanderr
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 93
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 12:56:34 PM
GourmetChef - Nope, not me who said it was about the money, it never is with me, I always plan on paying my way no matter what the "date" is. My comfort level has nothing to do with money, it's how comfortable I feel.

And if you read my last post, I will compromise and share a meal, but instead of the fanciest restaurant in town I will suggest a more casual place.

And I do my homework, I always exchange emails, chat on the phone, but as I said before, it's not foolproof. Some men (and I'm sure some women) are pretty slick, they have perfected their "stories" over the phone. When you meet in real life you then have the benefit of body language, gestures, tone, etc. A few times I have discovered that I'm chatting with a married man, or they're "in a relationship", and I refused to talk with them any further, and I won't meet them.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 94
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 1:01:39 PM


Or, perhaps before leaping to judgement you might have been behooved to read my entire thread of discussion


I didn't leap to judgement. You made it clear in your post that you either approve or rationalize the behavior.

Bottom line stays the same. A man that wishes to take a woman out should first and foremost be concerned about her comfort. No amount of rationalization, "nuanced opinions" or other modern euphemisms is going to change that.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 95
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 2:26:25 PM

I didn't leap to judgement. You made it clear in your post that you either approve or rationalize the behavior.

Bottom line stays the same. A man that wishes to take a woman out should first and foremost be concerned about her comfort. No amount of rationalization, "nuanced opinions" or other modern euphemisms is going to change that.


Wow.

There are no euphemisms being expressed in stating that I prefer going out to dinner for a first date. I do not advocate "forcing" a person to go to dinner. What I do advocate is a reasoned discussion should take place prior to setting the location of a first date.

Yes, a gentleman takes into consideration the preferences and comfort of a Lady. However, it is not only reasonable to expect that the Lady duly considers the preferences and comfort of the gentleman, good manners demand it. It is why a first date location is negotiated, Not dictated by one party or another.

It is completely fair that a Lady expects that her thoughts, opinions, preferences and comfort will be considered and respected. It is equally fair that a Gentleman expects the same. A properly negotiated first date should Always take into consideration the preferences and comfort of BOTH parties.

A woman who feels that it is her sole and inalienable right to dictate the location and course of a first date without due consideration or discussion of the desires and wishes of the Man is quite simply being Rude. Not only does it demonstrate a lack of good manners, it shows a distinct lack of consideration for the feelings and tastes of the Man.

The responsibilities of a gentleman include making sure that any and all parties in his company are comfortable, at ease, and have the freedom to be themselves without judgement and without condemnation in a safe and mutually comfortable environment. It also includes making sure that others opinions are respected and heard, and that any missteps are allowed to pass without comment or derision.

They do Not include being required to go on a date with someone who shows a lack of consideration and respect for the preferences and comfort of others.

I am sorry but I am just going to have to disagree. Just because you are of the feminine persuasion, does not entitle you to demand anything you wish.

It entitles you to respect and consideration of your opinions and preferences. It does Not absolve you of your own obligations to do the same.

What you are describing is not a Gentleman, what you are describing is a Doormat.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 96
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 4:36:04 PM
OP, here in my area the opposite is true...the guys want to meet for coffee to see if you look bed-able. I think a coffee date lacks originality and puts a lot of pressure on both people to come up with a lot of face to face conversation. That can be very awkward for some people.

Some of my best first meetings have not been in a coffee shop or restaurant...they have been at car shows, concerts in the park, farmer's markets, football games, walks along the river, etc. Think outside the box... a little creativity goes a long way.
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 97
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 5:52:08 PM
If a man is happy to pay for dinner and you take your own transport then it is up to you. However, if you dont hit it off it can be awkward to sit down and eat. Perhaps they want to drink and get you looser also!!. I would agree that a lunch is best. Dutch.

The chemistry or attraction is usually there at the start and then you can extend or cut short the meet. I think a lot of men dont want to feel that the first meet is an interview but really in a way that is what it is. You are strangers, no matter how many times you have texted or webcammed.

I can imagine how they would feel if they showed up and the woman was not who she says she is. 20 years older and 30 lbs heavier. Then he would be glad to cut the first encounter short and vice versa.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 98
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 7:32:15 PM


It is why a first date location is negotiated, Not dictated by one party or another.



That's right... and she made it crystal clear that she'd prefer a simple casual venue. The man is the suitor, if he can't adapt to something so simple as a casual first meet... he's got some real problems.

Do yourself a favor, stop talking from both sides of your mouth. It's either one way or the other. Either the lady's wishes are respected by her suitor or they aren't.

We certainly disagree on the rest of your post. That's quite an understatement.




What you are describing is not a Gentleman, what you are describing is a Doormat.


Are you attempting to suggest that a man who would "concede" to a simple casual first meet, in order to make his date comfortable is a doormat ? You have got to be kidding me.

Never mind. Have it your way.

At the end of the day, the ladies will decide who they would rather be with.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 99
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I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/28/2012 8:12:00 PM

That's right... and she made it crystal clear that she'd prefer a simple casual venue. The man is the suitor, if he can't adapt to something so simple as a casual first meet... he's got some real problems.

Do yourself a favor, stop talking from both sides of your mouth. It's either one way or the other. Either the lady's wishes are respected by her suitor or they aren't


The thread OP asked the following, "gentlemen, do you insist on dinner as a first date vs the quick meet?"

My reply was clear in that I preferred dinner but was open to other options.

I'm sorry that you can not distinguish the difference between a statement of preference and how that translates into an actual date. There is a difference between "demanding" an outcome and seeking input. If you feel that you still are having difficult discerning the difference, I would be happy to further clarify my thoughts on the matter.


Are you attempting to suggest that a man who would "concede" to a simple casual first meet, in order to make his date comfortable is a doormat ? You have got to be kidding me.


I said nothing of the like. I said that a Woman who showed Zero concern for the preferences of the Man she is meeting and who is not open to discussing the topic is desirous of a doormat. The end result of whether you end up having Coffee or Dinner, or drinks or playing mini-golf is actually irrelevant to the implications of the process in determining that outcome. How you reach the choice of destination is in some ways just as important as the destination itself. Once again, a substantive difference. If that is still unclear, once again I'd be happy to clarify.


At the end of the day, the ladies will decide who they would rather be with.


Thank you for your concern, 3+ years in a loving relationship leaves me with no desire to pursue other ladies.

I wish you the best of luck.
 AlfredoDP
Joined: 5/31/2012
Msg: 100
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/29/2012 4:20:06 AM
It is very hot and humid here, I relent: forget coffee, dinner: ice cream.
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