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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > I want a quick "first meet", he wants a leisurely dinner!      Home login  
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 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 201
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner! Page 9 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Whats wrong with having rigid rules if they are for your own safety, comfort and security.

I have rules about where I will meet, when I will meet, and under what circumstances I will meet. My rules are reasonable, but any guy who doesn't agree, doesn't have to meet me.

We are talking about meeting STRANGERS.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 202
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 9:48:51 AM

We are talking about meeting STRANGERS

There is a difference in using common sense as an approach to online dating and having a paranoia about it. If a woman started laying out her "rules" to me .. it would be a VERY short conversation.
 timeforall
Joined: 8/26/2012
Msg: 203
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 10:00:31 AM

There is a difference in using common sense as an approach to online dating and having a paranoia about it


Are you kidding. Any woman who did not take extra precautions before meeting any guy from this site (applies to guys also) is absolutely nuts. This board is a free for all. With all of the con-artists, scammers and even serial killers out there, and given ANYBODY can pretend they are anybody they choose on here . . every woman should have rules about who they will meet and where. At the least, it should be a public place and somebody should know where they are going and who they are meeting. Heck, I would be careful myself meeting anybody on this board absent speaking with them on the phone and being convinced they were who they said they were, just like I would be leery of meeting somebody to sell something on Craigslist. I might even consider doing a background check before I met with somebody from this site.
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 204
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 10:04:10 AM
Stupido, you seem to be interpreting 'rules' as commands to you. Your choice of words ("laying out rule", paranoia) clearly show your dismissal of another person's autonomy.

No one is telling you what to do. But when a woman has 'rules' regarding how she will meet a stranger, she is expressing what works for her sense of security. If you feel her requirements are something you cannot do, or you don't want to do , fine. After all, no one is forcing you.

But really, you have no reason to label women as paranoid for having boundaries with strangers. That IS common sense.
Quite frankly, men should also.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 205
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 10:10:32 AM

you seem to be interpreting 'rules' as commands to you.

You are the one that said:

Whats wrong with having rigid rules

Do you understand what "rigid" means? As in "inflexible"

clearly show your dismissal of another person's autonomy.

You don't seem to understand.. that is EXACTLY what I am objecting to YOU doing.
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 206
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 10:32:26 AM
OK- if someone's 'rigid rule' is to have you meet them in a dark park, sure . If she says her rigid rule is coffee only, not dinner- I fail to see how your autonomy is threatened.

But I did not say you HAD to comply. Merely that you were being very dismissive of the motivation behind someone having such rules.

I do understand the English language, thank you for your lesson. It afforded us another example of your dismissal of the topic at hand.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 207
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 10:50:23 AM

If she says her rigid rule is coffee only, not dinner- I fail to see how your autonomy is threatened

I don't do coffee meets. I did one.. will never do it again. Why should I bow to her set of "rigid rules"?


Merely that you were being very dismissive of the motivation behind someone having such rules

Are you being obtuse on purpose? I am being dismissive of the "rigid rules" themselves. Go ahead and make a case for why "coffee" makes you feel safer... be my guest.... the very idea is ludicrous.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 208
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 10:59:22 AM

Why should I bow to her set of "rigid rules"?
But aren't you equally as rigid by stating you never do coffee meets?

Essentially this all boils down to preferences, we all have them. Either they are compatible with someone else, or not.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 209
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 11:07:23 AM

But aren't you equally as rigid by stating you never do coffee meets?

No, rigid would be me saying I will do XX and nothing else. The key is to being flexible and finding something you BOTH are willing and wanting to do. If a woman is going to insist that it is her way or the highway, I know which option I am going to choose because a relationship that starts off on that footnote is going to end on the exact same note.
 originalartist
Joined: 7/25/2008
Msg: 210
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History
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 11:22:58 AM
You're right and that's that. Don't go out with someone who wants to control the agenda from the get-go. It won't improve.
 pageforyou
Joined: 7/1/2011
Msg: 211
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 11:25:14 AM
"Never" is pretty damn rigid. Now you are just doing the semantics wriggle. ; /
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 212
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 11:29:49 AM

If a woman is going to insist that it is her way or the highway, I know which option I am going to choose because a relationship that starts off on that footnote is going to end on the exact same note.


Perfect. And that’s the way it should be.

I say when I can meet and where. If he can’t do it when and where I’m available and I can’t do it when and where he’s available, we don’t meet. Isn’t that logical? Can’t see the problem.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 213
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 11:31:12 AM

The key is to being flexible and finding something you BOTH are willing and wanting to do.

Agreed. How hard can it be? My own preference is the early-evening drink, but if a possible date doesn't care for that or can't schedule it, I am sure the two of us can come up with something else that also isn't coffee. I still like that soap-making idea...

To the original topic, I'm fine with a leisurely dinner, too. Worst-case scenario, there are very very few people with whom I wouldn't be able to get along for a couple of hours. It's just not that difficult. Much more likely, we'd have an enjoyable time regardless of whether or not we took to each other romantically.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 214
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 11:32:23 AM

The key is to being flexible and finding something you BOTH are willing and wanting to do.
I would agree, but if she feels more comfortable going for coffee and that is something you will never do.. then what? Who should be flexible in that eventuality?
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 215
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 12:45:22 PM
edit: never mind, it's already been brought to light
 Deepseaceecee
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 216
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 2:33:46 PM
But do they want to pay for your dinner? If so they probably want some kind of payment at the end of it.
However nothing more awkward or tedious to be trapped into a meal with someone you have no interest in or has lied big time on their profile. I dont know anyone else who has your problem really and most agree to just a coffee and then see. There is plenty of time for a dinner later on if you hit it off.

However some of the guys if you tried to pin them down to a meet would disappear so dont sweat it.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 217
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 2:49:04 PM

However nothing more awkward or tedious to be trapped into a meal with someone you have no interest in or has lied big time on their profile.

OK, let's address the "big time lie" first. Just leave. My profile clearly states that if I discover a lie. It's over. The end, I'm gone. It's that simple. I don't even care how little a "white lie" the person thinks it is.. I walk.

Now, ignoring that, in most cases what actually happens is that the person shows up and you simply aren't physically drawn to them. So now you are telling me that all of your social skills go right out the window and you find it "tedious" to just have a nice evening right? What does that REALLY say about you?
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 218
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 3:50:14 PM

Go ahead and make a case for why "coffee" makes you feel safer... be my guest.... the very idea is ludicrous.


What you aren't getting, is that she does not have to make a case for it- if she feels safer, then so be it.

Women end up doubting themselves because someone else ridicules their gut feelings- no one should EVER have to justify why something makes them feel unsafe.

Knowing that women are far more vulnerable when meeting a stranger should be enough for a man who actually wants to meet a woman to compl;y with her request. If he doesn't, well that would tell me more than enough about him.

I personally have not had a problem- some I have met for sinner, others for coffee, some shopping at Home Depot! But it's all about the sense I get and feel from talking prior to meeting.

I have no problem with someone saying they don't want to meet for coffee. I do take exception to someone who dismisses someone elses concerns for their safety.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 219
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 3:58:48 PM

What you aren't getting, is that she does not have to make a case for it- if she feels safer, then so be it.

Nobody can make a case for "coffee" making them feel safer. It's silly.


I do take exception to someone who dismisses someone elses concerns for their safety.

Please feel free to quote anything I said that was remotely like that ... you've gone completely off track...
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 220
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 5:10:44 PM

I personally have not had a problem- some I have met for sinner, others for coffee, some shopping at Home Depot!
Gotta love typos!
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 221
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 6:44:52 PM
Freudian typos, I call them!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 222
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/11/2013 6:47:04 PM

Knowing that women are far more vulnerable when meeting a stranger should be enough for a man who actually wants to meet a woman to compl;y with her request.


How so? If both agree to meet at a public place, whether it's a coffee shop or a restaurant for a relatively short period of time, how is the woman vulnerable or in grave danger? If a woman's spidey senses start tingling within the first few seconds or minutes after meeting someone, she has the option of immediately leaving.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 223
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/12/2013 12:11:09 PM

How so? If both agree to meet at a public place, whether it's a coffee shop or a restaurant for a relatively short period of time, how is the woman vulnerable or in grave danger?


Does a woman have to be in “grave danger” for her concerns to be considered legitimate?

Common sense should tell you women are more vulnerable than men, in general, and if a woman meets a man off here he is a stranger to her…she doesn’t know what he’s capable of. You may see yourself as a decent guy, but probably not all the guys on here are decent…and probably they don’t advertise that on their profiles.

If a man was resistant to meeting me in a way I was comfortable with, I’d know he’s not a man I’m interested in knowing.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 224
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/12/2013 12:52:08 PM

I don't do coffee meets. I did one.. will never do it again. Why should I bow to her set of "rigid rules"?

But she should bow to yours??
I can see many situations where coffee or a drink, or just going for ice cream, makes a lot more sense for a first meet, rather than a prolonged dinner date. If a man and woman( or 2 men, 2 women,whatever!) have a brief meet&greet over coffee, a drink, ice cream, in a bookstore, museum,park(well populated), and hit it off, THEN set up the dinner date or evening at the opera...


But do they want to pay for your dinner? If so they probably want some kind of payment at the end of it.

I'm sorry to say that this is the thought crossing my mind.
To be scruplously fair, many men over 45 have pretty much been brought up believing that a nice date is the only proper way to court a lady. But my guess would be that most of them land about in the middle-they think a nice dinner date is the way to court getting lucky afterward.


Nobody can make a case for "coffee" making them feel safer. It's silly.

No, I think what the brief "coffee" or "drink" date is about being able to cut things short without feeling guilty( or being MADE to feel guilty). Really, other than the aforementioned guys who believe that a dinner date is the ONLY way to go, I mean really, guys, you don't sometimes find yourself in a dinner date you wish you HADN'T set up( or agreed to)?
Frankly, wouldn't the non-dinner meeting cut out a lot of this deal with women-we hear about them all the time!- who use online dating as a source of free meals and entertainment?


Does a woman have to be in “grave danger” for her concerns to be considered legitimate?

Indeed.

Obviously, if 2 people cannot come to a compromise about where and how that first meeting is conducted, what would be the sense of going on?
Yes, I do GET that a quite a few guys think that the nice dinner date is the only way to go, and when they were like 23 yrs old and looking for their first wife, that may have been true.
But things have changed, and particularly when it comes to having a first time in-person encounter with someone you only know from typing on a screen, talking on the phone, or yes, even from some sort of video chat/Skype, arranging something that can be cut fairly short if there is no ground to continue, makes sense. It doesn't have to be about the woman fearing for her personal safety, surely you guys have had dates that you wish you wouldn't have set up? Women that you found unattractive, unappealing,incompatible or just plain annoying/irritating? And no, it doesn't have to be about someone lying on her profile or using old/inaccurate pictures. Sometimes, no matter how attractive and interesting someone seems on paper( a computer screen), in person, it just doesn't carry through.

To speak directly to the OP, no, you are not somehow wrong, misinformed, or misguided if you prefer the first meeting to be (possibly) brief, and low-key/inexpensive. As to why you seem to be running into so many men who are adamant that the first meeting be a full-on dinner date, I think several things might be in play-some of them basically good,some not so much.
Cindy O
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 225
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/12/2013 1:16:00 PM

But my guess would be that most of them land about in the middle-they think a nice dinner date is the way to court getting lucky afterward.

Get lucky? Really? Give me a break. Sometimes I have to double check that I am actually in the over 45 forums.

OOOHHH .. I got laid and it only cost me dinner.... I'm SO lucky.. I should play lotto...
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