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 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 7
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Better off single or with a partner???Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Sounds like standard sour grapes/trying-to-pretend-everythings-cool-despite-frustration thinking to me.

When it comes to any choice in life, you will be missing something however you select. And the larger the effects of the choice, the larger the things you will be missing will be. It's basic math.

The pertinent question is, whether or not you WANT one set of things or not. Because most of the time, you can't have both. You can't be married, and be single (even the people who try to cheat to carry this off, pay a huge cost, and fail to achieve either status).

I know people who were born without things, as extreme as you describe. Since they can see that everyone else around them DOES have those things, and that the world is designed for people who do have those things, then yes they very much do miss not having them. Hence that old saw you semi-quote is functionally a bit on the flippant and ignorant side.

I'd suggest you ask yourself, if you are really choosing what you want, or if you are instead pretending to like what you have, while fantasizing that the world is either looking on in envy, or feeling regret because it failed to give you what you really wanted. If anything like that is lurking in your mind, then you are in the process of making a mistake. If not, then you are fine, but in my experience, people who genuinely have "no regrets," almost never raise any questions like this.
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/27/2012 4:25:57 AM
Stuck in your ways?
Sounds a bit selfish to me.Maybe you don't really want a woman enough to compromise.
The right one of course.

They don't fall in your lap.

You should get more out of a good relationship than standing in this world alone..JMO
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 9
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/27/2012 5:04:43 AM
I grew up without a dad - and a lot of the time that was my mentality because I didn't know either way. I'd tell myself that I could have had an alcoholic or abusive father which would have been worse - and that's true. Who your relatives are is more or less out of your control, but who you date is.

You can always have it worse than being single - that's not the most horrible thing ever by a long shot - and yes, some relationships are worse than being alone. If you make it your business never to be in one unless it merges with or improves your life you take that out of the projection.

I've been single most of the time in my life due to working so much and of course, fear of losing my freedom, especially when I was younger.

As I got older I realized the right person won't want to take your freedom from you, and won't force you to give up the friends, hobbies, and other things that you enjoy while single. It's possible to be not single and still have a life. Also, when someone you WANT to be with comes along - you'll actually be OK with sometimes including them or putting things aside. It's better in a situation where you offer your time than one where they demand it. Just sayin'.

If you have no choice but to choose between freedom/fun and settling down - chances are you're considering the wrong person.

"Better off single or with a partner???"
....the answer is, both can be fantastic, under the right circumstances.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 10
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/27/2012 6:09:02 AM
I've had it worse than being single. I was in a relationship with rapid cycling bipolar. That means that the mood swings between Manic and depression can happen on a heart beat. The relationship moved from moments of absolute ecstasy, to absolute hell. To endure such relationship eventually you find yourself becoming codependent. So, right now I am rediscovering myself, enjoying my time, writing, riding, friends.

So OP, enjoy yourself. Also get rid of the notion of "settling". First of all, do not go out with someone that does not turn you on. But finding a person that you are compatible my require a reshuffling of your criteria. For instance I always tended to go out with (and ladies, pardon the numbers, is a guy thing) 8, 9, 10. Many of these women tend to be extremely high maintenance. So perhaps, what I have learned is for me to be less shallow and search for essence more within.
 YayForBeer
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 11
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Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/27/2012 6:34:29 AM
I can relate here, for sure.

Last steady relationship I had was probably around 2003 or so. I know it sounds crazy, but life has a way of keeping a relationship on the back burner. I went to school, and then my career became my main focus. I had a HEAVY travel job from 2004 to 2009 where I was on the road over 300 days per year.

Over the past 3 years, even though I now have a stable office job, I find that I'm so planted in my routines, and the sheer freedom of being single, that any time I'm going out for a date, or the potential for a relationship opens up, I find myself rather intimidated, and worried about how it will affect my daily life, which has basically been just me, myself, and I for the past 9 years or so.

Sometimes I wonder the same exact thing you posted. Maybe being single forever will just be less complicated, for me, and for any potential partner.

But I guess I'm hoping that the one person happens to come around someday, the person that I don't "need" or have to "settle" for, but rather the person that makes each day better just by being with them, than I could ever be by myself. If that makes sense.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 13
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Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/27/2012 7:24:12 AM
Hrm. I never quite bought into the whole "settling" argument. What exactly does that mean?

Maybe you don't want to date someone who is toxic, but that isn't exactly a choice between settling and not settling, that's more about not getting drawn into a destructive relationship dynamic. It's not like people run out and say, "If I didn't hold my standards, I'd be going with the first sociopathic, philandering, abusive person I met!"

Thinking about the last 5 years, I don't think I've ever seen someone post that they walked away from someone because they were generous but not quite generous enough, or kind but not quite kind enough, or considerate but not quite considerate enough. Not generous, sure. Not kind, yes. Inconsiderate, definitely. However not "enough"? Not really.

It's like people hold up "not settling" like some kind of badge. If you were to "settle", what exactly would you be giving up?

Yes, we all have feel certain qualities are dealbreakers, like wanting/not wanting children, similar outlook, acceptably employed (I use acceptably because the standards are so widely different), but outside of those kinds of things what is making so many of their prospective dates "undatable"?

It seems to me like alot of people keep trotting out the "chemistry" test, the "I must feel a spark in the first 15 minutes or I'm out of there...". It's like folks keep chasing that "spark" like it's the defining moment of whether that other person is worthy of your love.

Once again, the question arises. If you were to "settle", what exactly would you be settling for?
 AnAustralianWoman
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 14
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/27/2012 7:39:54 AM
Reading this thread OP makes me ask the question...Have you EVER been in love with a woman?
The answer to this is important as it can open up a few possibilities as to why you think the way you do.
If you have never ever been in love then you would not know what it is like to love a person from the heart, therefore agreeing with your scenerio...You cannot miss what you never had.
If on the other hand you did feel emotions for another, but it hasn't happened for you since, then you cannot expect to duplicate that emotion with someone else.
Most people who have been down the road of love and it left them hurt are searching for the same feeling's they once felt when they were in love.....only in most cases to end up disappointed.
Love is such a wonderful feeling.....better than orgasm and if you haven't experienced it then hopefully one day you will.
Rather than take second best your probably better off alone if you are happy that way.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 16
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Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/27/2012 9:19:33 AM
Why would you want sprinkles on that ice cream cone?

Ice cream is good, but ice cream with sprinkles can be better.
 meowkatt2012
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 17
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/27/2012 9:23:29 AM
I have really been wondering that for a while now. Im not sure if its because i just haven't found the right person, have gotten used to being single for a lot if years, my last relationships haven't worked out or I've met guys I've really liked who are married and I don't want that. I have a good friend of over a year who wants to take our friendship farther but he really has so little free time due to some things that really can't change right now and I worry he just wont have enough time for me. Im not needy or have to see him.every day, but I'd want to see him enough to build the closeness etc we don't have now as friends. I think its a hard decision except for women who meed to be in a relationship all the time,even with guys who aren't right for them.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 19
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/27/2012 2:26:16 PM
It's too simplistic a question to actually answer. What I can say is this, if your mindset is that you have been alone, so you don't know what you may be missing and it doesn't seem to matter, then stay single (AND change your profile!!).

After all it's your life, if you are happy with it as it is, then why change? The way I make decisions is in weighing out risk vs reward. Listing pluses, minuses....whatever, but the thing is that you only have experience on one side of the equation, so considering the pro to the con would be projecting or just plain guessing.

Play it safe with the status quo or take a risk, but please don't make some poor female your lab rat. Be fair. You should ONLY take the risk if the willingness to take it is genuine and sincere, not merely a curiosity. Noone wants to be someone else's "experiment".
 foxonatrain
Joined: 6/9/2010
Msg: 21
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Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/27/2012 10:07:00 PM
Sometimes being in a bad relationship is a good thing, in the sense that once it ends you appreciate being single much more.
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 25
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/29/2012 6:13:03 AM
If you long for a partner, be prepared to compromise and work hard and well for it. If you're inclined to wait for the perfect one to magically appear of out nowhere, expect to be lonely.

You may be inclined in this life time to give more to yourself. There are life-long bachelors/bachelorettes who may find commitment a daunting contemplation. It doesn't mean that they have a pathology in which they can't relate to anybody - perhaps their purposes is to love more broadly.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 26
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/29/2012 7:47:38 PM
You can think of it as math, if a partner ADDS to your life, it's a good thing. As soon as a relationship starts TAKING AWAY from your life, you're better off by yourself.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 27
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/29/2012 8:58:35 PM

You can think of it as math, if a partner ADDS to your life, it's a good thing. As soon as a relationship starts TAKING AWAY from your life, you're better off by yourself.
Words to live by. Relationships should enhance both lives. Otherwise, why bother? We live in a very disposible society and it is sad.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 28
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/29/2012 9:33:49 PM
"Relationships should enhance both lives." Miss W, totally agree, I said add you said enhance....much better word, it invokes a much richer meaning.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 32
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Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/30/2012 5:59:32 PM
I still think it's babble, they say "settling" down causes a man to stop taking "risks" therefore he lives longer, but what if taking "risks" is a persons livelihood. You take that away that their already "dead" they just don't know it yet.


Married men taking fewer risks isn't a belief or opinion, it's a statistical fact. Insurance companions stake billions of dollars based on their actuarial tables. They aren't doing it on a guess.

Married men DO tend to take fewer risks the same way that older Men take fewer risks. Not necessarily because Women settle them down, but because they have MORE TO LOSE. Acting recklessly when you're 25 and single is one thing, acting recklessly when your death or imminent injury can leave your wife bereaved or children fatherless creates an entirely different decision-making dynamic.

Being married and/or having children can make you rethink that Skydiving or Bungee jumping hobby.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 34
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 7/1/2012 11:06:12 AM
^^^Great lists. I won't be in a relationship where I can't have all the benefits of being single, nor do I find it hard to find the benefits of a relationship while being single - companionship comes in all forms. When I can have both sides no matter what, I'm sticking it out.
 cr4zycupcake
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 35
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 7/4/2012 12:09:42 PM
remain single and die alone, thats about it
 greg42innc
Joined: 7/1/2012
Msg: 36
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 7/4/2012 2:15:02 PM
I am single and I would be thrilled to share my life with an incredible woman. I have learned to be content with whatever is presently going on, accept change and enjoy myself at whatever position I find myself in. Am I looking for a relationship? Yes. I am looking for a relationship just to get out of the single phase? NO. Marriage/Relationships are a committment and I am afraid that so many people are robbing themselves of this and missing out on the finer things in life. So am I going to settle...No way. I thank God for each day and live one day at a time and when that incredible woman walks into my life then I will certainly act accordingly. Good luck in your search
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 37
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 7/5/2012 5:51:41 PM

remain single and die alone, thats about it

I got news for you. You'll die alone single or not. Married and in a room full of people, you still don't take anyone with ya.
 cr4zycupcake
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 38
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 7/5/2012 9:13:01 PM
I got news for you. You'll die alone single or not. Married and in a room full of people, you still don't take anyone with ya.


True. It's easier to die knowing you're loved though
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 39
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 7/6/2012 4:03:09 AM

True. It's easier to die knowing you're loved though

Is it? How do you know? Have you done it?

P.S. We're all loved by someone. Dating and romance aren't the only forms of love out there as most of us have friends and family who love us as well - so not many of us at all will die not being loved. Furthermore, not many of us will die not knowing about it.
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