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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship      Home login  
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 drewcornwall
Joined: 5/31/2010
Msg: 59
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationshipPage 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
"Just wondering...should you find out if a potential date/relationship is sexually compatible BEFORE going through the courting process. In other words, hop in the sac and see if you ya'll click in bed and figure out the rest afterwards?"



My Dear old mum said to me once " test your good before you buy"

My last girlfriend lasted 9 years

:)
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 60
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/11/2012 11:42:56 AM

My Dear old mum said to me once " test your good before you buy"


Does anyone else find this line of reasoning as insulting and obnoxious as I do. It's just another way of saying "kick the tires before buying."

It is offensive. Ya' know, when I buy a truck, have never bought a car, I do "kick the tires." It's because that truck does one thing for me - haul my fat a$$ around with what ever cr ap I need to put in the back or in the trailer. I also know that as soon as I take that rig off the lot it ain't gonna get any better. It is also gonna start going down in value. When I buy any other piece of merchandise I will also test that article for suitability of purpose.

But, when/if ever I get into a relationship with a woman our relationship is not based upon just one thing. If it was, then yes, I would "kick the tires" to make sure that one thing was up to snuff; likewise, as said woman and I get to know each other better we will theoretically find out more and more about each other that will either add to or take away from the basis for our initial attraction. I have yet to meet a woman intimately (not necessarily physically intimately) that didn't also have something amazing hidden that was only discoverable after a long time together.

I also still hew to my opinion that what you learn about a woman (or a man) with your clothes on tells you enough to know about the person with their clothes off. Are there going to be outliers? Of course, but in any relationship there are going to be outliers regarding facets of the other person's personality, character, history, and [something].

As much as I like, hmm, need, physical intimacy and place it near the heights of my personal hierarchy of needs, I know, for me, it is the other aspects of a woman that will make or break the sexual relationship, not necessarily the other way around.

Now in defense of that proposition, from personal experience I know that frank discussions of sexual proclivities, preferences, and expectations will be necessary at some time during the initial stages of getting to know one another. The refusal to enter into or honestly share would be a cautionary note for me.

TK
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 61
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/11/2012 1:09:50 PM
Exactly^^^

a man can tell me for 6 weeks that he loves to perform oral sex....and then we get in the bedroom and he's clueless and refuses to listen to my wants and needs and continues to use his bad technique.
I've just wasted 6 weeks and possibly breaking his and my heart because I WILL end the relationship.

Sure, sex gets better and better as you learn each others triggers......and I won't say that it's a "one and done" trial.....but if after a couple times there isn't a spark being ignited for me.......I move on.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 62
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/11/2012 6:27:57 PM
MsMicki, Purrrrrfectmeow;

I think it would be a fair statement that you are both far more experienced in this arena than I am, even will be, or, truthfully, want to be. And the same could be said for most of the other men and women on this site. I do not deny the importance of physical intimacy and sexual compatibility be it frequency, style, proclivities, or even kinks and fetishes. My perspective, being a more traditional type of guy, is to not rush into introducing physical intimacy into a relationship. The emotional, physical, and even spiritual entanglements that result easily obscure elements that are necessary for an enduring relationship. Yes, I know, maybe all you really want is a roll in the hay, but for most folk long term compatibility centers around issues like finances, religion, etc., and sex. Of the reasons given for divorce finances ranks higher than sex.

As to the specific issue you sited, MsMicki, it is my contention that introducing physical intimacy later in to a relationship allows for sussing out the character of the man with whom you desire to get intimate. We are no spring chickens. As stringy and gamy as we may be now a days we also have developed a fairly good barometer of a persons character. A BS meter if you will. I confess that my ability to suss out that nature was quite immature way back then and I ignored signs that I would either take at face value or would investigate further. But while the issue of physical intimacy was an issue in our marriage it wasn't the only one. If the other conflicts had not been present or had been able to be worked out the issues of physical intimacy would have been minimized and, I believe, healed.

But this forum is not about me convincing you of the rightness of my position it is about getting my opinion posted for public consumption. I am no fool holding a belief that my way of thinking or approaching the world is held by more than a small fraction of the users of this site or of those whom I interact. I applaud you, both, for knowing what floats your boat and only wish I had that same knowledge several decades ago.

TK
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 63
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/11/2012 7:39:03 PM

Yes, I know, maybe all you really want is a roll in the hay, but for most folk long term compatibility centers around issues like finances, religion, etc., and sex.

excuse me, but I am in a committed relationship.....and I am quite aware of all that makes a relationship work......
and sex is definately a major issue.....but the funny thing is.......it is only an "issue" if it's bad sex!!
I wouldn't enter into a committed relationship without knowing a man's religion, financial stability, relationship with his family/kids, hobbies, dreams and future plans.......
Why would I enter a relationship without knowing his interests in the bedroom???


it is my contention that introducing physical intimacy later in to a relationship allows for sussing out the character of the man with whom you desire to get intimate

Ha! "character" has nothing to do with sexual abilities!!
Why do you think so many women fall for "bad boys"?? Because 9 times out of 10, they are damn fun in bed!!
Being nice, compassionate, giving, etc outside of the bedroom does not always equate to being the same in the bedroom.
In all my life, and the numerous discussions I have had with men about sex........I have never once have a man admit he was a "minute man" or that he wasn't very good at giving oral.........I had to find those things out the one and only way one can truly find out........by having sex with them.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 64
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/11/2012 8:30:47 PM
MsMicki,

My apologies, that was a corporate "you." I toiled over whether to say that differently or with a modifier, forgot in my proofing. I know you are in a committed situation. Well, not personally, you've expressed that several times in other threads. I'm glad you are content there.
Your final line points out one of the central themes of my previous post: you have much more experience in there matters than I and our varied experiences are different.

Again, my apologies for inept language, to you and Ms. purrrrrrfectmeow,

TK
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 65
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/13/2012 4:09:24 AM
Sex before commitment can be "different" , just like a personality. People may do things to please the other they don't really enjoy just to get someone interested/commited and starry eyed.

Guess yall never worked with people or knew people that complained.."Before we moved in together /got engaged/hitched they used to **** and ** me like crazy".

"Now I get a Sat night **/**** on occasion ect and it's considered a GIFT when he or she does this or that".
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 66
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/13/2012 3:03:17 PM

personally would rather wait for atleast a very serious relationship (as in talking of marriage) but most women these days just want to give it up so I have no choice really.


Giving what up? Over and over it is not a commodity, not something that I give to anybody, not holding onto it for a ring etc. It is sex for gawd sakes something pleasurable and intimate to be enjoyed and shared by two ppl who enjoy each others company. Not the holy grail, not my key to your riches etc.
 gonegonegonegone
Joined: 4/24/2012
Msg: 67
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/13/2012 4:06:15 PM
I have found the first time you have sex with someone it is never all that it could be. Good sex is trust driven and building trust requires time. Respect is another issue. I have to feel 100% trusting of a partner and feel he respects me. Then I am able to be myself . I agree communication is key. If you are not adult enough to speak openly about your wants and needs you are not adult enough to engage in sex, or you dont trust the person you are with enough to share that part of yourself. So why would you share your body?
In short, wait, talk frankly. There are signs, how do you respond to his kiss, his touch, his smell? Women are feeling creatures, how do you feel when you are with him? On pins and needles or safe and secure? If you respond well and after having spoken truthfully, the sex will be awesome and only get better.
 NYCmasterplumber
Joined: 8/17/2006
Msg: 68
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/13/2012 5:27:55 PM
Having jumped into the sac with with over 87 women when I was a teenager (17 - 21 USN) in less then 3 years I found a very compatable lady and I have been with her over 46 years.

I had so many to compare and it was not just sex even though it plays over a 98% role in a decent marriage .

All but 3 of the 87+ women were married.

Goes to show you a first date would have saved many of these gals wasting all those years waiting for Viagra to come on the scene saving all these women from a possibly "dead end" humorless husband.

Also look at Hellery Clinton when she yawns a light goes off in Ms Fridgid mouth and Mr Bama should be in jail as it is against the law in most civilized countries to be sleeping with a chimp or Gorilla look a like .

Mrs Savage Bama made me ashamed to be an American for the first time in my life as no one wants a president who sleeps with another species and calls it politically correct. Talk about strange bed fellows. some people should not be allowed to breed look at Nancy Pelosi possibly a walking incest product that should be drug tested IMHO
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 69
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/13/2012 6:57:50 PM

ChocoMamicita123
that doesnt really make sense then there would be no courting if he already banged you whats left for him to go after :/


Well what you say only makes sense, if the only thing you have to offer is your twat. Even if I've, as you put it, banged her, she still has her mind, heart, and soul to go after. But since you think the only thing you have to offer is your VJay, then I guess it would make sense to you.
 the_biggavell
Joined: 7/9/2012
Msg: 70
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/13/2012 7:09:41 PM
hahah.. like i don't get this discussion hahah.. like women love ****in.. just like guys do.. why not get it out of the way.. and find out what the person is really about?? you'll see it right after that.

someone mentioned courting.. which is hilarious.. for this reason.. what are we courting you for??? PU.SSY. and what are you giving in the process??
nothing.

we come to you with all the bait, all the skills.. and we make you drop your panties and ****.
your job at the end of the day, is to make sure that you keep is wanting more and more from you, and only you.

a woman is really courting a man in order for him to stay with her.

and if guys were really on the same team, and figured it out, women would be in deep doo doo. because your holding your twat hostage, with concepts like relationship, friendship, and twat really isn't that special enough to place prerequisites before getting it.
to do that, builds resentment in a mans heart and mind, especially since after he does it, his mind goes back to normal, and then he realizes it isn't that important, and wasn't really that worth it.
up to the point we have sex with you, it's all a part of the plan, and once the mission is accomplished, we can be human again. human meaning, we aren't thinking or devising ways to get it, because we got it already. it's a conquering.. and your job ladies is to make a guy feel that, his conquering days are over, because your the best thing to have.

your job is to keep.

so when it comes to sexual compatibility.. you can find that out right away..

don't hold the twat hostage.. lets ****, and find out.. that way no need to have any time wasted. we traded.. your **** for my****.

fair exchange.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 71
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/13/2012 9:57:56 PM
oneladyforgreattimes opined:
If the sex is great then it makes everything much better.


hmm, I wonder what would happen if we turned that around: when the relationship is great that makes the sex much better.

TK
[oh well, another fishee putting the cart before the horse again I see.]
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 72
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/14/2012 8:51:45 AM
once again TK........you assume caring about someone somehow makes them a good lover.

If only that were true!!!

sure, with a connection of the hearts.......it can make the sex seem that much better because of the feelings involved.
But if someone is a lousy lay........loving them or them loving you makes no difference in their abilities.

Please explain to me how having a great relationship makes a bad lover a good one.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 73
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/14/2012 10:51:38 PM
MsMicki, Purrrfectmeow,

Ladies, you two are ganging up on me again.

I suppose it comes down to how we look at sex/physical intimacy. I have no expectations of partnering with the female equivalent of a legendary lover, a Don Juan. I certainly am not. But what I can bring to a relationship, and what I want brought to a relationship, is an understanding, a compassion, a desire, to please me, please us, just as I would do the same.

I am not going to judge the woman's physical prowess, although her ability to do more than just lie there or be more than mechanical is a pretty much a necessity. It will be her ability to bring her sensuality to our physical love making that will slake my thirst. I seek not perfection, nor do I seek depth of experience.

It is those qualities that I would first explore outside of the bedroom. I could be wrong but I think, for me, what I've learned over the past 30-35 years is that personality traits that are exhibited outside the bedroom carryover into the bedroom. The nature of a person doesn't just shift depending upon which room they are in. What can change, due to the intimate nature and uniqueness of the experience is that physical intimacy can be enhanced or not depending on the substance of the relationship. Frankly, for me, I would prefer to really get to know a woman before I get "to know" her. It's me. I'm old fashioned. I have prehistoric beliefs.
I also set apart physical intimacy from all other aspects of the relationship. I know many in these threads view sex as no different that eating, sleeping, and [ ]. To me it is nearly sacred. No other activity that man and woman can do together exhibits the same ability to bind one to the other. Physical intimacy effects chemical, psychological, and emotional ties like nothing else. It is too powerful to minimize it's importance.

I've said it before, the weight you two and others put on the sexual abilities of your partner from the git go is beyond my ken. It just doesn't square.

But, I've also said, in your world, if it works for you, blessings.

TK
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 74
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/15/2012 6:22:39 AM

I am not going to judge the woman's physical prowess, although her ability to do more than just lie there or be more than mechanical is a pretty much a necessity. It will be her ability to bring her sensuality to our physical love making that will slake my thirst. I seek not perfection, nor do I seek depth of experience.


How does that fix if her vag is too big, or the guy's penis is too small? How about where you just don't match up physically to do the positions that give you the most friction and pleasure? What if you typically take a long time to orgasm and she does quickly, or vice versa? Getting off in other ways is a stopgap, but still becomes frustrating over time. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Some people just don't work out, no matter how hard they try. All the love and care in the world doesn't fix that. Unless you're one of the (many) guys that are so happy that you're able to have sex with a woman that you'll 'get yours,' no matter what, in which case, yes, it won't make that much of a difference.
 Ed Bear
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 75
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/15/2012 6:28:36 AM
Good sex makes a relationship better. A good relationship makes sex better. Doesn't seem that surprising, eh?
Good stuff makes good stuff better. The thing to note is that bad sex, or a bad relationship, will spread to corrupt other parts of life too.

All of which says nothing about having sex sooner, or later.
ED BEAR

After all, after 50, what's left EXCEPT sex? No, just kidding - that's a troll. o:)
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 76
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/15/2012 7:29:48 PM

There may be incompatibilities along the way, sex being one of them, but you don't have to get naked to learn of another's sexuality. Kissing, dancing, the way they touch you... you can tell if you're mutually turned-on.

I've had a man that could curl your toes with a kiss.......and that was as good as it got!
I've known a man that won awards as a dancer.......but couldn't kiss worth a damn....and the sex was even worse.
I've married a man that rocked my world in the bedroom......and couldn't dance to save his life!

While I do agree kissing is an area that can make or break a decision to move to another date........it is not always an indicator of the type of lover they are.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 77
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/15/2012 7:38:03 PM

I've had a man that could curl your toes with a kiss.......and that was as good as it got!


Oh so true!! Never thought that someone who could kiss that well and make me feel that way, could leave me cold in bed. Oh well we live and learn. And so I say, sleep with him before I get too attached!!
 BlooFlame
Joined: 6/14/2012
Msg: 78
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/15/2012 7:43:16 PM
Ugh, no thank you. First of all, sex with a virtual stranger is not my cup of tea. I'm uncomfortable, we're both trying really hard but we know nothing about each other to guide us, and I can't be entirely sure I won't regret having you as a notch on my bedpost.

I'm not saying I'm waiting for a ring. I can't say I'd be waking for anything in particular. I just have no desire to do something I'm uncomfortable with as some sort of experiment. I guess I just want to wait until I don't want to wait anymore. :)
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 79
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/16/2012 7:52:06 PM

My personal experience is that women who see sex as ``sacred'' are generally the worst in bed because all that matters to them is that you are you and they'll be more than happy no matter what you do.


Same thing here. The "sex is special" or "sex is a gift" crowd typically always does this whole buildup thing and a lot of talk like it will be the most wonderful thing ever, and...it's -terrible- (IMO). On the flip side, the people who are like "sex is fun" and "isn't a big deal" are normally the best at it. And, when/if the relationship progression happens, that good basis is now combined with actual emotion, making it even better.
 natgoat227
Joined: 6/10/2012
Msg: 80
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/16/2012 9:04:16 PM
Well...D'u-h-h-h-h-hhh..!!
Why go through a whole series of prerequisites and courting rituals...only to find out that you don't match-up, sexually..??
My last gf at least made an effort to supplement her diet to increase her ~desire~.
...but, alas...she could take it or leave it...she just didn't Care all that much for sex, anyway..!
I like talking openly and frankly about our sexual desires...
but it's not _First_ on my list...
and not on the First Date...
unless _She_ brings it up First!!
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 81
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/17/2012 5:00:14 AM
It's frightening to see how many people have this silly idea of "it can be taught!" It's not a video game with set motions that you can learn to repeat over and over to "win" at sex. It's also a kind of clue as to those people's level of taste/experience/history as well - the only way you can really make that kind of statement is if you're not really discerning at all and kind of happy with just being with someone.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 82
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 7/17/2012 5:13:12 AM
This could be one of the most discussed topics on the forum. True, starter sex is far from perfect. But, you've got to start somewhere and soon. At least we did and that is the kind of companion I had been looking looking for. When you're older (53) and still interested in sex ; why wait to determine your compatibility? Believe it or not some folks (both m/f) are either unable or disinterested. For whatever reason. These folks would be great mates for those wishing to play "bored" games or enter the dreaded "friend zone". One previous post was inquiring about daily sex; Imagine the differences that exist. Why shouldn't these desires be expressed by the 2nd date/meeting? Deception, unfortunately, is the only behavior that comes to mind.
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 83
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 8/3/2012 12:37:00 AM
i think it alll depends on what youre looking for in a partner. if youre just looking for someone to be a great lover, by all means, have sex with them right away. if youre looking for someone you are really compatible with for a long term relationship, i dont think that their sexual compatibility with you should really be a big issue. ive not been with a ton of women, but ive been with enough, and ive really only met one that totally disappointed me sexually. not that all women ive been with were great lovers, or even good lovers, cause they werent. they were good enough though.

its all a matter of finding whats really important to you. if your lover's ability to please you in the bedroom is really that important to you, sure, sleep with them right away. i would go ahead and tell your dating prospect what your priorities are though. if they dont line up with theirs, that might be an issue. still, its better to be honest about it than to lead people on thinking that youre really looking for a great guy/girl when youre mostly looking for a great lover.
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