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 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 17
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New partner wants to be friends with the exPage 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

I don't care if it's an ex or family member or any friend... if they insist you can't be included he should stand his ground and explain that you two are a couple now -- his loyalty and "life" is with you and if they can't accept that he has no relationship with them anymore.


Any woman that would ask me to choose between Her and a close friend or family would be out the door. Sorry, you have to EARN that kind of place in a person's life.

You don't just walk in the door (and less than 5 years is just walking in the door) to be in the position to Demand that of a person.

Pick between duty to my family over a "new" woman? Sorry, you lose. Period.

Just as I wouldn't allow my Family or friends to dictate who I see, it doesn't go the other way either.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 18
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:27:34 PM

Pick between duty to my family over a "new" woman? Sorry, you lose. Period


The woman is no longer family.She is the ex.Sorry,you lose if you put that proposition before 99% of the women in this world Romeo.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 19
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:36:19 PM

can you tell me why you would insist on being friends with an ex when you are in a new relationship and there are not ties, no children, no alimony, no reason other than maybe you should not have gotten a divorce in the first place
I was married briefly (2.5 years) in my mid twenties and he remains one of my very best friends. I could call him at 1am if I needed help (I can't imagine why - let's say I was falsely arrested and needed bail) and he would come to rescue me - with his wife's blessing.

I mention this relationship when I start regularly dating anyone, and reiterate when the relationship becomes exclusive. I would not give up this friendship for anyone. BTW my other very best friend of 35 years is also male, and I also would not give up that friendship for anyone.

Both these men are in long term marriages and both their wives know me. My ex's wife knows and loves me like a sister and totally accepts our longterm friendship.

So, for some people, exes CAN remain close friends. I don't think it works for most people, but it is possible.

HOWEVER, the ex HAS to respect the new relationship and know where their place is. Any ex who refuses to meet the new partner, or attend any functions in their presence clearly still has attachment feelings and that would be a red flag that your ex should realise means an ongoing friendship is not possible.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 20
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New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:40:22 PM
The woman is no longer family.She is the ex.Sorry,you lose if you put that proposition before 99% of the women in this world Romeo.


Thanks for taking the reply out of context. The post I replied to suggest I should choose a woman in a relatively new relationship over family or friends. (which is how I read your original post Janet, my mistake... )

I keep a VERY close circle of friends. My family is close. A woman who I've been seeing less than 2 years that I am NOT even married to let alone engaged demands that I choose between her and Family or someone I consider a Friend? No contest. Not even close.

And how do you know that he does not still consider her Family? Once again, we don't know the context. How long were they married? How many years have they known eachother? How close they are they/were they as friends? They could have known eachother since they were in College, or as Children.

Once again, that kind of place in a person's life is Earned.

As to 99% of women finding the situation intolerable without communicating or discussing the situation at some length, that's why I took my time finding my GF.

She's not in the 99%. And that's just the way I like it.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 21
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New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:58:50 PM
Okay, it looks to me as though a bunch of people got some facts wrong here. The OP did NOT sell her house and move in with the guy within a month of meeting him. They met in December, were committed and spending most of their time together by January, and ten months later, she sold her house. Still a little on the fast side, but not that bad.

Now on to the whole Ex scenario. In that part, I think wanderer has a good idea, do an exercise first, to see if it is the outside commitment to a friend which is so infuriating, or the fact that this is an EX.

I would strongly suspect that this is really about TERRITORY. The OP (I think fairly logically) expects that marriage, means that the husband and wife put each other first, over all other relationships. This EX has a special status, which the husband has established, supersedes the wife's status. It is NOT the same as an old friend-for-all-time who has an eccentric personality that prohibits meeting the wife, this is a woman who actually wants the current marriage to end, and for hers to be re-established.

The husband tells the OP: "Put yourself in her shoes." I think that is a good place to start a conversation, in a way. A good retort, might be..."Okay, to do that, I have to divorce you, and move twenty miles away, and then call you to come fix everything for me."

Bottom line, I do think that it's the husband who actually needs to start putting himself into other people's shoes. Or perhaps, to carry the simile forward, he needs to STOP trying to wear his ex-wife's shoes, and actually, finally wear his own. He needs to decide what HE wants to do. He is divorced, because the EX wanted a divorce. He needs to decide now, if he wants to be married to the OP, or not. If he does, then sure, stay FRIENDS with the ex, and be available occasionally by phone. But he needs to recognize that he can't be a truly committed husband to the OP, and fail to realize, and make clear to the EX, that her inability to accept that he is now married to someone else, is HER PROBLEM ALONE to deal with.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 22
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New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:08:04 PM
But if he was to insist on seeing me without someone I was dating, he would be told (BY ME) that he doesn't have that kind of control of my life anymore.

I would never leave it up to a new boyfriend to set my boundaries for me. I can handle that myself.

This man should have done the same thing.

He is weak, and frankly I would be disgusted at how he is handling this situation and leave.


It does not necessarily mean he is weak, it may mean that he is just trying to figure out the situation, which is why I advocate communication over the matter between his current GF, himself and his Ex.

In a similar position, I would find it easy to say to the Ex that my GF and Me are a package, and that if she wishes to continue access to Me she'll have to learn to accept it. I would understand her ongoing feelings, but that portion of our lives is over and that she can't expect them to ever resume. If she is my friend, she has to learn to accept that and be happy For me.

That said, I'm quite a bit older than I used to be. When I was in my 20's I would have reached a similar conclusion, but it would have taken a little longer. I would have most likely had to sit down with my GF and discussed the situation, as well as discussed it with my Ex before taking a final position.

That's not necessarily weaknesses, it may be inexperience.

Should a GF at that time have left me over that, she would have lost a very good Man over a situation that only would have required some additional effort.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 23
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 6:07:13 PM

She regrets asking for a divorce and she wants to get back with him, but possibly only because you're with him now.

She won't include you because to do so would mean accepting your presence.

She's effectively dumping you and creating that "hostility towards the ex" environment on his behalf.

She's effectively treating you like the mistress and assuming her power as the wronged wife, determined not to lose her husband to a tart.

He's being manipulated by her, probably as he always has been.

She's restricting his movements by creating a situation where he can't go to parties that she's going to. She's creating a situation whereby he's "missing out" on all the fun because of you.

I'd say, don't ask him not to see her, let him be in control of his own decisions.


The ex makes all the rules.The man is definitely weak.OP hasn't told us if the sex is worth it.:)
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 24
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 6:41:28 PM
Immediately take the necessary steps to move out even if it is in a temporary apartment. Could have should have at the beginning of this & an ultimatum now will make little difference since he's already made his choice. Regardless whether there's kids involved or how she feels about him, it's he who definitely has unresolved emotions for her & feeling sorry for her is BS excuse.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 25
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 7:34:23 PM

@ "more important than his" ...they are a couple in a relationship, if something bothers or hurts one, the other should find a way to handle, deal and work it out.


They are not a "couple" in a relationship, they are individuals in a relationship which creates a couple.
We do not fall in love with the relationship, we fall in love with the individual.

This man's relationship is none of her business and she is creating a problem by trying to make it her business.
Her solution is "control" "I would be fine if I could go along"
So her problem is the lack of control.


As far as "her" wish to get back together goes.. Go ahead and slap him across the face with his willingness to be open and honest. Use his honesty against him and then question a few months down the road why he isn't as open as he once was.
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 26
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 7:36:02 PM
and you put up with this because of why ?
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 27
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 10:56:54 PM

I'm sorry, I have no sympathy for her. I couldn't care less and I wish she would get out of my life. I could deal with it better, if I could go with him. By the way, I am positive there is not any sex involved. He says that she really never wanted to have sex when they were married and he has no interest in her other than as a "brother" caring relationship. However, she would like to get back together, she has told him that and friends that they have in common which is a lot of people.

I think it's important to think realistically here. She's NOT in your life ~ OP. She's in your boyfriend's life. I'm pro-friends-with-ex's, so here's my thought: if you aren't allowed to meet her, to be where she is when he's where she is, something is amiss. I'm friends with all but two men from my past. There has never been a time when someone new in my life was left out if I had a reason to see a "former." If people truly are just friends? There is no reason for secrecy and/or exclusion. This guy's playing games. I would personally not tolerate his actions. I'd be packing and moving on to someone who treated me with respect rather than disregard. JMO
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 28
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 1:03:26 AM

So she should disregard WHAT he told her, simply because he was ‘honest’ about it? That doesn’t make any sense. What if he was honest about having a lover, or an STD, or quitting his job…should she disregard those kinds of things because he was good enough to be honest about them so it’s all okay? What’s the point of being honest if it’s not supposed to matter what he’s said?


Really, do you "think" you could have taken that to "just" a "little" bit more of an extreme ? Maybe throw in the death of a few kids in an old drunken driving accident ? Suspected of working at Penn state maybe ?


It would be stupid and foolish to believe nothing is going to happen in situations where she is not allowed because his ex demands it, with his approval, knowing his ex wants him back. A woman doesn’t tell a man she wants him without following up on it. She doesn’t ‘want’ him to be a brother to her. To turn a blind eye to that is just stupid.

I probably would have tossed in something about having sex with his ex in their bed in their house to top it off and then go in for the close with something like he gives her a key and tells the girlfriend how their house is going to be a timeshare for the two of them..

That’s insane.

I'm sure "you" think it is.. (chuckle chuckle)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 29
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 10:55:00 AM

for some people, exes CAN remain close friends. I don't think it works for most people, but it is possible.

HOWEVER, the ex HAS to respect the new relationship and know where their place is. Any ex who refuses to meet the new partner, or attend any functions in their presence clearly still has attachment feelings and that would be a red flag that your ex should realise means an ongoing friendship is not possible.

That's it. I am not close friends with any exes nor do I talk to any of them daily, but a new guy in my life has to know I am on friendly terms with just about all of them, and that we're bound to run into someone socially. My exes also know that (outside of an occupational capacity) if they don't want to see or deal with the new guy - they don't need to deal with me either.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 30
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 3:40:12 PM
Actually,after OP sold her house a year or so into the relationship and moved in with the BF.....what he really needs is a good swift kick in the cajones when he comes home from visiting.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 31
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 8:01:08 PM
Absolutely, yes, I believe I could. But did you maybe get a teensie bit of my point?

No I didn't. I refuse to listen to or give credit to fourtyteen year old commentary, so I discounted everything you said based on the lack of common sense and your need to take my comments to an extreme in a failed attempt to discredit my post.

Jeez! You’re almost as sarcastic as I am.

Well it's not something I'm proud of.
It shows that I became a willing participant in way to many childish and asinine conversation's and became almost as bad as the sick people I surrounded myself with. This happens when guys fall into the rut of boyfriend/therapist..

I hope you at least learned something from all of this. :)

Believe me, everything I needed to learn about those types of comments and the people that use them I learned a very long time ago.
 SELSEL2017
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 32
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/2/2012 9:29:20 AM
NO WAY SISTER...read between the lines....he still Loves her...and she still Loves him...they have a strong past and the bond wont be broken...they just realized they made a mistake with the divorce...I feel so sorry for you because you are prob in Love now...this is sooooo not right what he is doing....he should of been upfront with you from the beginning...he new inside how he was feeling...but he was being selfish and only thinking of his own needs not yours...although he may of not done this to you on purpose..I know you sold your house and prob feel real scared now and trapped...dont fight or argue with him...slowly start getting a plan to move out ...buy another house whatever you have to do...get your ducks in order...and then leave...he can never truely Love you the way you want him tooo....it's not going to work...you will feel hurt and angry for a long time....but you WILL get over him...dont waste your time....your real Prince Charming could be right around the corner...Good Luck Sister :)
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 33
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/2/2012 2:53:47 PM
Yet you couldn’t resist responding.

You continue to misrepresent and manipulate my comment, so I'm morally obligated to.


I maintain that being ‘honest’ doesn’t mean anything if a person chooses to disregard what is being told to them. Acting on an obviously troubling and potentially life altering situation is not punishing honesty.

Until you can explain what that has to do with my comment it will continue to be completely irrelevant.
The problem is you can't, because you've completely destroyed anything that was once my post and replaced it with your extreme childish argumentative interpretation.


Emotionally healthy adults can determine what is best for them based on the information presented to them and act appropriately.
Emotionally healthy adults DO NOT misquote, manipulate or take information to extremes for self serving purposes. (cough)


If the ‘honest’ one then decides to turn into a liar because he didn’t get the results he wanted when being honest that is his choice ….not an inevitable result forced upon him by another. That’s a cowardly cop out and much more indicative of that person’s true character.
You just managed to take "a few months down the road" ( they are still together in a few months) and his reluctance to talk as openly(still talks just not as much) and turned it in to his justification for becoming a liar and how cowardly it is to do.. How does one do that, seriously ?


OP’s boyfriend’s ex-wife openly wants him back. She’s told him and mutual friends and is manipulating a relationship that excludes the OP. YES, it’s stupid and foolish to ignore that and pretend his ex-wife will not act on it and attempt to destroy OP’s relationship with him.
Again, my post does NOT speak to this issue so reiterating your point serves no purpose.


You discredit your own post(s); I didn’t need to try.

I've discredited your interpretation of my post, there is a huge deference.

You may want to consider you might be over reacting to a dating site forum thread.

You are right, I've taken everything you've posted out of context, implied your opinion, and then argued those same opinion's.. Oh wait, that was you!


I’ve merely presented my opinion and have not attempted to emasculate you or your opinion personally.

Funny, I don't remember claiming you had attempted to "emasculate" myself of my posts, so why the need for clarification ?


I simply disagree and continue to do so despite your needless malicious tone.

Again, you are disagreeing with your own comments, not mine, and it's a little to late to claim my comments have a malicious tone when you have already noted them to be "sarcastic"..

Please help me understand what any of your comments/opinions have to do with this simple quote.
Go ahead and slap him across the face with his willingness to be open and honest. Use his honesty against him and then question a few months down the road why he isn't as open as he once was.


The only reason it frustrates you this much is because you don't understand it. In which case you should ask for clarification rather then trying to imply your own logic.


Evil Genius: sorry, but he has an obligation to his new partner to consider her needs, yes, sometimes putting the needs of the one we love comes before our own. She has not said she does not wish him to be friends with the ex, just that she should not be excluded. He knows the game his ex is playing and if he goes along with it, what does this say about his character?

I'm sorry but I do not view a person's opinion or feelings as a "need" and if we were not talking about "feelings" I would very much agree with you. The op's only need is to "feel" as though she has some even just a little "control" over on the situation. (I would be ok with it if I could go along) And the argument of being included is moot since she also stated she just wanted this woman out of her life.

This is about the op's insecurities, her contradiction's clearly show that.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 34
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/3/2012 2:57:55 PM
Yes, locked in a room with a fourtyteen year old going neener neener neener all night sounds like the one thing I've been missing in my life.

O/T
Step one: Use feelings, lack of respect, it's just not right as reasoning. Ex removed
Step two: Every time there is an issue the same manipulation will be used to remove anything the partner does not like or want to deal with.
Step three: You now have no say in anything because you allow others to dictate how you show respect or express yourself because the only thing that's important is your partners feelings or their opinion on what is respectful and how you should validate them and the relationship.
Step four: A two word vocabulary is all he will ever need "yes dear"..

This is so damned funny because it creates the "nice guy" or "yes man" everyone is so tired of hearing complain.

Good luck with that.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 35
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/3/2012 3:24:51 PM
I have nothing against being cordial to any ex should we run into one another anywhere, would even introduce my new falla and all that jazz....Im also fine with shaking hands with my fella's exes should we run into them...but if my fella had an ex calling and I was told I am not 'allowed' anywhere near her? And he stuck up for that?? He would be single again real soon.

There is no reason to exclude the new lady in this equation, and the fact it is happening means something is going on that she isnt supposed to know about. You would be a fool to keep allowing this to happen, in my opinion.

No man I would respect, would put up with me running off to secret meetings with an ex, kids involved or not and I wont allow a man to do that to me either. A good relationship doesnt include this type of behaviour.

This man can be compassionate, can care for others, still be the man she fell for, even if he defines his boundaries and actually puts his relationship higher on the totem pole. There is being nice and there is being stupid. I dont advocate he drop his friendship...but I do advocate that this friendship be inclusive of his new common law wife. If that canot happen, Id leave the relationship. Ill not be put into a situation where my senses tell me Im being played and I just sit there and take it because some people think being friends with exes is 'cool'. No sucker living here. lol
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 36
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/3/2012 5:49:31 PM

wow evilgenius maybe you need to explore where your train of thoughts come from. This is very negative, even if its mentioned in a sarcastic way. Try being positive, not everyone is out to manipulate everyone. Try looking at the situation, not judging from your own background, if roles were reversed, how would you feel? Comfortable? I would doubt that.


I'm not trying to be sarcastic in any way, and my train of thought comes by way of education and experience. My own and those of hundreds of others. This same type of issue has been played out on these boards for years.

The truly sad thing is the vast majority of the replies in this thread are nothing more then examples of emotional manipulation. Which means it's becoming normal accepted behavior, and how can you argue when 9 out of 10 people are all saying it's "the right thing to do" ?

So you can try and argue my point and claim I'm not being open or understanding, or that I'm relying on my own experiences because you don't like the thought of your own behaviors or beliefs being called into question, and that's very understandable. Who is ever at ease with a stranger pointing out that they are wrong ?


Emotional manipulation:

Guilt-tripping
–All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc.,

Playing the Victim Role –
This tactic involves portraying oneself as an innocent victim of circumstances or someone else's behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. One thing that covert-aggressive personalities count on is the fact that less calloused and less hostile personalities usually can't stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore, the tactic is simple. Convince your victim you're suffering in some way, and they'll try to relieve your distress.



Now as for your question of reversed rolls, my current girlfriends best friend is an ex. I have never spoken to or met this person and see no reason why I would need to. Their friendship is none of my business and see no reason why it should be. At the same time I would have no problem taking to or meeting this man.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 37
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/3/2012 11:07:47 PM

I think OP should develop a ‘platonic’ relationship with a gorgeous sexy young hunk. Why not? They can be BFFs, just like her boyfriend and his ex. Midnight phone calls, innocent intimate dinners, movies, spa days with him...

Won’t be long before OP doesn’t really give a crap what her boyfriend’s doing anymore.

For myself….it wouldn’t be MY insecurity I’d be concerned about…it would be HERS. Obviously his ex is emotionally stunted and unable to move on, either to a new man or her own identity. Moving back to his town…really? That’s her insecurity screaming loud and clear. I for one wouldn’t ignore it.

It’s like defensive driving. You may be an excellent driver but the other crazies on the road can still cause an accident that kills you. Date defensively to avoid the emotional ICU.


Emotional manipulators: have no sense of accountability.

They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them".

I can see it, can you ?
 tfifty
Joined: 8/7/2010
Msg: 38
view profile
History
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/4/2012 6:31:40 AM
It is July 4th. I do want to add a few updates. I do have a POF account, but my profile is hidden for searches. I had told and discussed this situation with him several times before my posting to this forum. He did and does know it hurts and upsets me when he meets with her (normally at her house). I told him that if helping the Ex is so important then keep doing it and I will move out and on, I now have more hurt than love. "Your choice", I said. He was hurt and scared and said his choice is me, so we will see, a few weeks here or there is not going to make a big difference in any long term living arrangements, now or in the future.
 cr4zycupcake
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 39
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/4/2012 1:13:28 PM
Your boyfriends a wanker. Move the hell out.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 40
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/4/2012 4:20:59 PM
It is July 4th. I do want to add a few updates. I do have a POF account, but my profile is hidden for searches. I had told and discussed this situation with him several times before my posting to this forum. He did and does know it hurts and upsets me when he meets with her (normally at her house). I told him that if helping the Ex is so important then keep doing it and I will move out and on, I now have more hurt than love. "Your choice", I said. He was hurt and scared and said his choice is me, so we will see, a few weeks here or there is not going to make a big difference in any long term living arrangements, now or in the future.


Playing the Victim Role –
This tactic involves portraying oneself as an innocent victim of circumstances or someone else's behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. One thing that covert-aggressive personalities count on is the fact that less calloused and less hostile personalities usually can't stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore, the tactic is simple. Convince your victim you're suffering in some way, and they'll try to relieve your distress.


Emotional manipulators
have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
 TJ1776
Joined: 6/6/2010
Msg: 41
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/4/2012 4:36:02 PM
Wow, this has bad written ALL OVER it. Dump him (you'll be treated better as his ex, than as his current), and don't ever move in with a man a month after meeting him!
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