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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs      Home login  
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 scifichicky
Joined: 2/12/2012
Msg: 26
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairsPage 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I have never cheated and wouldn't knowingly date somebody who had.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 27
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 9:55:35 PM
I used to take a hard stance on this subject given that my marriage ended because of my ex-husband's affair. Now, I think that it takes courage to admit that you made a mistake and I would hear him out. I am not going to judge someone as unworthy because of something that happened in the past.

Moral character is not about never making a mistake. It is knowing that you made a mistake, owning it, and moving forward with resolve that you will not make that same mistake again.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 28
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 10:02:45 PM
Yes it would be a dealbreaker. Cheaters are, at their core, sneaky dishonest, selfish people. Who wants to hitch their wagon to a lame horse like that?
 AlfredoDP
Joined: 5/31/2012
Msg: 29
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 10:03:56 PM
Op, you mean cheating?
It is not a problem for me, I am a swinger, have an hammock in my office, even.
Seriously, when I am interested in a woman it's because of her present not her past, so no, it would not be a factor for me. If she where to confide such personal information, it would show that she is comfortable enough to be around me.
Actually, I would appreciate her being honest about telling me.
Now, if I were her husband... that is another story.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 30
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 10:04:03 PM

Why would someone divulge this information when they didn't have to

if they had great remorse, then perhaps in the interest of scrupulous transparency, and respect for dealbreaker sensibilities like we're seeing here.
 AlfredoDP
Joined: 5/31/2012
Msg: 31
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 10:16:06 PM
Small story... recently met a wonderful, good looking woman, have been out few times; we like one another.
The second time, she told me that she did have an affair while married, I am not going into details about the whys.
Soon after she divorced, decided to join a convent... Should I condemn her?
No. I am going to keep on dating her and see how far we can go.
 JAXDiver
Joined: 6/4/2011
Msg: 32
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 4:12:40 AM
Landra2 posted
I know many women who, after a few years in a relationship, decide sex is a "chore" and their man is no longer on their to-do list. Yet expect "monogamy."

Landra2
I know women who feel men are little more than idiot children and need to be nagged and harangued for years, verbally castrating them. Yet expect "monogamy."
I'm getting paranoid! I wish Landra wouldn't talk about my life so directly. I'm starting to have flashbacks. All those years in the straight jacket. They are coming to take me away again! OOPS, I have forgotten. All I need to do is say I was having a nightmare and wake up.

I hope I used my inside voice.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 33
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 4:52:22 AM
Orrrrrrrr we can take the OP's initial question a little farther. What about the people that didn't tell you, yet, you found out later(somehow) that they had an affair????? What then???

For the initial scenario,I,now, would have to look at the context of it all, which would include at what age the affair had happened. In my younger years, I would never have considered any form of "reasoning" but, I have changed since then.
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 34
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 5:48:24 AM
I would at least hear him out before I make such irrational decisions. If he's also repentant and has healed from the experience, it would it easier to come to a positive conclusion in the process.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 35
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 7:15:44 AM

Virtually everyone will cheat given the right set of circumstances.


!!WRONG!!
If you think that way,fine.
But,*I* certainly dont.
 gbntbedtyr
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 36
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 7:30:07 AM
amethyst10616

Moral character is not about never making a mistake. It is knowing that you made a mistake, owning it, and moving forward with resolve that you will not make that same mistake again.


You hit the nail on the head, that is "true" morals. We are all human, but a good person wants to better themselves. (but please don't qualify that with the beaters, there is just no excuse for beating one another, well I guess maybe if that is your kink, but, no)

Sciencetreker, Good on the Psychology, please take a couple of human sexuality classes though before using "majority of people" incorrectly. Statistics do not agree with you.
 TedJMill
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 37
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 9:45:07 AM
My reaction to an affair, hypothetically, would be concern rather than rage, "What does this mean for our relationship?", so her having occasional one-night stands would be something I guess I could accept if I was happy with the relationship otherwise; a past history of such one-night stands wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me. And considering my own asexual nature, it might be expected in a relationship I was in.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 38
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 9:59:27 AM

Classic justification theory...cheating is not so bad because other things are bad, etc.


Speeding is breaking a "law". A "law" made by humans.

Cheating (in a relationship) is an act that "some" humans find not so appealing. Other humans(in different cultures) accept "cheating". I'm not saying I'll accept it EVERYTIME, and I'm not saying I will dismiss a person EVERYTIME. Others will. Their choice. Just as it's their choice to "speed" or not.

When I look outside my window, I see colours, not just black and white.
 Bostad
Joined: 4/30/2010
Msg: 39
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 9:59:52 AM
It wouldn't be a factor for me.

People and situations change and a very clear indication of that would be that she told me at the outset.
Honesty goes a long way with me.

I would want to know the whys and story behind it, but it would likely have little bearing on my decision to move forward or not.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 40
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 12:22:13 PM

Welsh474 ""past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour". And the old standby "if they cheated with you, they'll cheat on you".


This is very true...we humans do love our ruts and routines. And if a guy (gal) gets his (her) rocks off by sneaking around on his (her) significant other, that leopard is not likely to change his spots. The number of people here who think humans cannot be monogamous or that fidelity is not all that and a bag of chips makes me wonder how many of them are now single because they were the cheater in their previous relationship.

Insanity was defined by Einstein as doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. In the case of the OP's guy admitting to having a few affairs (plural), he is inviting her to accept his insanity. To do so, and to expect to be the one who somehow magically blinds his wandering eye is another form of insanity.

It's called denial.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 41
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 12:29:53 PM

People tell you things like that to see what you will do. If you don't react then it gives them free ticket to do as they please. 'You knew I was like this, why are you so mad". type of thing.

To me trust is everything... but thats just me.


I never react to what people tell me, and I do give them free reign to do as they please. IMO this is the best way to get to know the real person. If you inject your own moral overlay, many people will change how they behave or what they elect to tell you, but this is all short term behavior.

And I am genuinely interested in a date as a person, what their story is and how they arrived at their current state in life, I think that interest in them is obvious. People generally like to talk about themselves.

As the question was really just would you date them, for me that is all related to how much fun she was to date, I don't have many expectations beyond that.

If we are talking about getting married, that is quite a different scenario with many more pitfalls than dating, then it's better to find out what is beneath the surface. Best IMO to let them express themselves as they see fit.

Trust is everything to anyone wanting a LTR.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 42
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 1:14:31 PM

Okay, I'll use your example. IF I was partnered with a past smoker and say 3 years into our relationship he suddenly reverted back and started smoking - is that the same as if he'd reverted back to his cheating ways? I don't think so. Sneaking a smoke is totally different than sneaking a piece of tail


Actually addictions can do that. A guy(or girl) running around getting strange tail sometimes comes back to the point that they are addictive to such behavour,even if it has been proven to them that it has it's cost(a broken up relationship). I know people that quit smoking, knowing of the health hazards, yet, sometimes start puffing away after years of not smoking. What is your point anyways?????

Are you saying people don't or can't change????? Some of us here are talking about a person that doesn't have HISTORY of MANY affairs. Some of us are talking about a one time thingy. Even some spouses out there have forgiven this kinda action, and live happily ever after as a couple.Some don't,yet some do.

There are people that will do dumb things once in awhile. Then, there are the dumb people that will continously make the same mistake over and over again. That's why our goverments have to make laws. If they didn't, the dumb people would make the same stupid mistakes all the time without nary a thought. The smart ones figure out the cost and benefits of an action and then will act accordingly in the future.
 shy2anne
Joined: 2/27/2009
Msg: 43
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 3:03:13 PM
it would definitely be a deal breaker for me.
it would show a lack of character, honesty that i have and need a partner to have in order to have any kind of deep relationship.
i can find no good reason that a person needs to lie and cheat on someone they profess to care about.
if you want to see someone else, then have some consideration and end it with the person you're with.
that is how i see it.
 gbntbedtyr
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 44
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 3:15:58 PM
tgrlily2day, A simple answer to your question, why lie, because brutal honesty don't get you dates. Look at my profile. Would you date me? Most would not, and most people don't like being alone, and will often do what it takes to, fudge a little, to not be alone. Personally I don't care if 99.9% of the girls don't want to date me, I am only looking for that one, if she's out there.

Now Welsh474, Are you referring to Doctor Phill? "annoying bald guy with a tv show says - "past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour". And the old standby "if they cheated with you, they'll cheat on you". I hope not as I would be sadly disappointed to think he would make such a large error. Study after study has shown that not to be the case, I might even get ornery and dig out some of my old text books and sight a few studies if this thread progresses. Studies show that 90%, yes 90%, one of the few if not only statistic men and women are equal in, 90% of all men and women cheat at least once in their lifetime. Now, forgive me in that I do not remember the numbers for two time cheaters, but it was significantly lower, serial cheaters being much lower indeed. And that is where I stand as the Social Psychologist that I am, not that that means all that much, as I am also human, but after ten years of College you'd think I might soak up something, professional student :) but also a Veteran. and Miss Welsh474 not everybody that doesn't hate cheaters is hiding their cheating ways, some of us can just accept what others can't. However statistics do agree with you on that one, the number of men and women who have never told their spouse that they cheated is also high.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 45
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 5:11:33 PM

The original post didn't say a one time thing - it says "previous affairs".


Actually,


If you went on a couple of dates with someone and in the course of the date they explained that the reason their previous monogamous relationship ended was because s/he had an affair would this be a deal breaker for you?


And then some of us replied about the age of the person, if they learnt anything from their "mistake", etc.
No one is condoning a serial cheater. In fact, I'm sure most of us would agree with ya,that after "A" second "affair, we could see a pattern BEGINING. After one???? Not really. It could turn into a pattern,it may not.

I would be real careful about dismissing people for "things" that they have done in their past, especially as we age,cause ya know, our "past" slowly begins to get very big. Never phuck up in your life Welsh???? Ever????? Sure ya have, as have I. I just try not to phuck up twice doing the same dumb thing again. It's called growing and learning.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 46
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/1/2012 6:35:27 PM

The original post didn't say a one time thing - it says "previous affairs".


Actually,



If you went on a couple of dates with someone and in the course of the date they explained that the reason their previous monogamous relationship ended was because s/he had an affair would this be a deal breaker for you?


And then some of us replied about the age of the person, if they learnt anything from their "mistake", etc.
No one is condoning a serial cheater. In fact, I'm sure most of us would agree with ya,that after "A" second "affair, we could see a pattern BEGINING. After one???? Not really. It could turn into a pattern,it may not.

I would be real careful about dismissing people for "things" that they have done in their past, especially as we age,cause ya know, our "past" slowly begins to get very big. Never phuck up in your life Welsh???? Ever????? Sure ya have, as have I. I just try not to phuck up twice doing the same dumb thing again. It's called growing and learning.


Heh,you're making sense today....a few people here live in reality....some might consider themselves above the others because they are widowed not divorced.I would much rather hear a frank admission from a woman as to why things went sideways....when you hear people talk like there is no excuse I can only see a very self centered person....or grandstanding.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 47
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/2/2012 3:14:45 PM

Including those of us whose dear friends and family members -- plural -- are now at the age of 45+ living with herpes.

Courtesy of spouses' adultery.


I know somebody that went through this as well.She stopped being interested in sex and didn't look after him.Now separated and I don't believe she seriously will date any man again.Age 57.
 notdating-forumsonly
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 48
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/2/2012 3:39:32 PM

If the person explained that the reason their previous monogamous relationship (marriage) ended was because s/he had long ago stopped loving, honoring and cherishing their partner, is that a deal breaker?


Yes, because they had the full opportunity to get counseling or get out of the relationship knowing how they felt if they tried to resolve it fully.

Yes, it would be a deal breaker for me.
 boaterguy7
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 49
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/2/2012 7:39:32 PM
It would be a show-stopper for me.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 50
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/2/2012 7:52:26 PM

If the person explained that the reason their previous monogamous relationship (marriage) ended was because s/he had long ago stopped loving, honoring and cherishing their partner, is that a deal breaker?


Yes, because they had the full opportunity to get counseling or get out of the relationship knowing how they felt if they tried to resolve it fully.

Yes, it would be a deal breaker for me.


So much idealism.Maybe the hippies are here too.

Who says both would agree to counseling?Maybe one had a hidden alcohol problem.Maybe keeping everything right side up for the kids and the elderly parents was more important.Maybe the other partner was having,or had an affair and things just were not real.There could be many reasons and I know one thing for sure.Both sides are vulnerable and it happens all the time.Anybody that says otherwise has just never been there.
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