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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs      Home login  
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 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 56
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairsPage 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

His excuse for not ending his marriage was his wife's illness and wanting to do the "right thing", but he could have divorced her and supported her through lifelong alimony or establishing a trust for her care.


If they had divorced she would have lost medical insurance coverage, which would have been beyond his means to support her. This would have meant either being unable to pay for medication, treatment or living costs to one degree or another.


Where is the honorable in that?


His options were stay married, or her not getting proper treatment. The costs of her food, board, and ongoing medication were substantially beyond his means without his benefit plan, especially after putting his kids through school.

It may not be a perfect solution, but sometimes you don't get to live in a perfect world.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 57
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/4/2012 12:46:56 AM
^^^^ You have cases like this where they have good medical coverage and stay married so the spouse is covered, then you have cases where they get divorced so the spouse can qualify for Medicaid. There was a case like that in the news 10 or 15 years ago in the Mid-West, maybe Kansas, where the wife was terminal and they didn't have good coverage and the husband had to divorce her so she got the treatment she needed.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 58
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/4/2012 2:57:36 AM
"Now a woman who had run afoul of her vows one time, that's something else. Then it's let's go slow, let's discuss this, dissect the situation, and make a determination if the conditions will reappear. What was learned"
ditto- it's only if it is a habitual thing that I would be concerned!
 fairblonde60
Joined: 11/27/2010
Msg: 59
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/7/2012 3:03:00 PM
I never would date this person again.
Once a cheat always a cheat!
 vanityfair55
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 60
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/7/2012 6:45:59 PM
I would, there is a reason behind why people do what they do-it happens
 natgoat227
Joined: 6/10/2012
Msg: 61
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/8/2012 6:45:21 PM
It wouildn't really matter.
If WE were compatible enough to enter in to an LTR...we'd have our hands (etc) full...just keeping each other happy..!!
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 62
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/8/2012 6:56:35 PM

It wouildn't really matter.
If WE were compatible enough to enter in to an LTR...we'd have our hands (etc) full...just keeping each other happy..!!


Yeah...amnesty for war crimes lol.
 TheReason_
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 63
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/8/2012 7:01:23 PM
Sure.

I probably wouldn't expect too much or invest too much into te relationship.

-shrugs-
 HitchHykr01
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 64
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/14/2012 6:29:18 AM
It would be a deal breaker for me. I don't accept the excuse that there are circumstances where having an affair is acceptable, you can get divorced and then you can screw all your office mates that you want. For those who haven't been cheated on you need to understand the mindset of the cheater, they replace you emotionally to the point where the other person becomes more important than you but the cheater still come home and lies to you and pretend. Do you really want to have a relationship with someone that can do that to another human being? They should have the balls and decency to get divorced FIRST.

Full disclosure: yes, my ex cheated on me.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 66
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/14/2012 10:34:13 AM
It would be a deal breaker for me. I don't accept the excuse that there are circumstances where having an affair is acceptable, you can get divorced and then you can screw all your office mates that you want. For those who haven't been cheated on you need to understand the mindset of the cheater, they replace you emotionally to the point where the other person becomes more important than you but the cheater still come home and lies to you and pretend. Do you really want to have a relationship with someone that can do that to another human being? They should have the balls and decency to get divorced FIRST.


I so agree. There is NO excuse.
My ex cheated on me and when I found out I was devasted, crushed.... my world fell apart. I went throught the whole gamit of emotions. People have described it as "akin to going through a death." I believe that to be true. Not only that, but it was humilating as well. People feeling sorry for me.... my self- esteem and self confidence took such a chit kicking. It took me a very long time to heal.
I would never wish that upon my worst enemy.

My ex later married the woman and as it happens I did have a couple of short conversations with her (no not screaming matches or anything) She gave off the impression that she had won something, and seemed very smug about the whole situation. One time I calmly said, "Please bear in mind how you two came together and that if he cheated on me while we were married, chances are he will do the same to you.

He did and they have since divorced.

Like a poster above said...Once a cheater always a cheater.

So NO...I would not date someone who admitted to previous affairs.

...mae
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 67
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/14/2012 11:00:42 AM
People do change and learn. I know this and don't necessarily judge someone because of a prior history.



I do honestly believe that people change Janet. I have a family member that used to be such a "bad boy" involved in all sorts of things. And over the last 20 years or so, he has completely turned his life around. Married, settled down and has stopped the drinking. And he is using his experience to help others who were on the same path.

I do forgive past mistakes........but I can't help but feel the way I do about seeing someone who has had previous affairs. Who knows, that may change, but for right now......

...mae
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 68
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/15/2012 4:54:05 PM
no it would not be a deal breaker. if it was a pattern of behavior, then yes, i'd think twice about dating the person, but a one time thing? not necessarily. good people do bad things and life is not so tidy and black and white. i am not in any way justifying cheating, but i am saying that infidelity does not happen in a vacuum. a person doesn't just cheat out of the blue. their partner has some responsibility in the affair as well on some level.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 69
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/15/2012 5:21:05 PM
i am not in any way justifying cheating, but i am saying that infidelity does not happen in a vacuum. a person doesn't just cheat out of the blue. their partner has some responsibility in the affair as well on some level.


I beg to differ, and think there are some people that do cheat out of the blue. There exist those people that either don't believe in monogamy, or are narcissistic or sociopathic enough to believe that they are entitled to sleep with whomever they choose.

They will pretend to be monogamous for a limited period of time---just long enough to get what they want, whether that be money, fame, sex, or something else.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 70
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/15/2012 5:34:10 PM

i am not in any way justifying cheating, but i am saying that infidelity does not happen in a vacuum. a person doesn't just cheat out of the blue. their partner has some responsibility in the affair as well on some level.


And the sooner the people stating that cheating is a deal breaker come to grips with this....and themselves...the better.
 KAKI3152
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 71
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:16:02 AM
Ask me no questions...I'll tell you no lies.

I never ask. I just look for the kinship we both have in common. Why should I be concerned about a person's past mistakes?
 LUCKS4U2
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 72
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 11:06:41 AM
Absolute deal breaker! No one holds a gun to a person's head and makes them have an affair. It is a CHOICE...usually an immature, irrational, and irreparable one. I'm talking about an emotional/sexual affair...not a drunken one night indiscretion.
I believe once you do something you would normally never do...it only gets easier to do it again. The reasons and behavior that led to the one affair can lead to another.
An affair is NOT just about being unhappy, lack of sex, love, etc...it IS about LYING, sneaking behind the person's back that you are in a committed relationship with. It is about that person's inability to communicate with their SO about what they deem to be wrong in their relationship and work on fixing it.
It is about fantasy....because obviously if you have been single before, you know about the rush you get from a brand new relationship. Those rose-colored glasses that make you think that "new person" is the nuts...especially compared to the one you are cheating on.
An affair is a way to find someone new, while keeping your old partner in the dark and on the back burner, until you decide which you prefer more.
In my opinion, it is a situation you allow yourself to get in to, because of a relaxation of your value system, selfishness, a need for attention, and a lack of self-respect. I have researched a lot about affairs...at times adultery is compared to the same addiction alcoholics and drug addicts have. Something you DO because...YOU can't be happy and satisfied unless you USE something or someone to make yourself "feel better".
Affairs ruin relationships and trust. I would NOT date a person who had an affair period.
If you want someone else, fine....finish who you are with FIRST...then knock yourself out!
Just remember Karma is a ****. ;p
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 73
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:41:24 PM
Twenty odd years ago when my marriage ended because of an affair (my husband's affair), this book was a life saver for me: http://www.amazon.com/Private-Lies-Infidelity-Betrayal-Intimacy/dp/0393307077

But Pittman also makes the point that not all adulterers are repeaters; that some learn, and DO NOT repeat.

So rather than deal in a blanket way, I believe I'd rather talk it out to see if my sense was that it was/wasn't likely to be a way of life.

The woman in the affair with him, whom he did marry and have a child with, couldn't quite get over the fact that he'd cheated with *her* and accused him of having an affair with every woman she knew he had to deal with. He decided that if he were to be accused, he might as well go ahead. He's been married for 15 years to the third, is not especially happy and doesn't expect to be, but hasn't cheated again, and doesn't seem likely to -- his words? "It costs too much."
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 74
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:45:27 PM
"And the sooner the people stating that cheating is a deal breaker come to grips with this. . . and themselves . . .the better."

Spoken by a true cheather.


You know nothing of what went on.All I see in you is a bitter woman that let herself go.Was this a factor in your situation?
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 75
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:50:12 PM
"And the sooner the people stating that cheating is a deal breaker come to grips with this. . . and themselves . . .the better."

Spoken by a true cheather.


My first thought also. . It's the classic approach of those who lack integrity...their action is somehow justified by the circumstance. Like the car thief who justifies his own immoral behavior in part because someone left their car unlocked. No, it's not good to leave one's car unlocked but it in no way sanctions the behavior of the thief.


This from the guy who has never stated he was married or had kids.

Let's not hear anything about integrity from the guy that admits driving around with his gf jerkin' him.Or is she actually blowing you trekker?
 Thornz2000
Joined: 1/2/2012
Msg: 76
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 6:09:31 PM
I would not. ....................................................................................
 Sometimes Goofy
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 77
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 8:08:53 PM
Agree. I think the pattern of behavior has to do with integrity and that's big if one has committed to a monogamous relationship. If there's something wrong with the relationship that communication can't work out, then it's time to move on, but integrity is a personal trait that I see as a core value. It would be hard for me to take someone seriously if I didn't feel there was a foundation of integrity somewhere inside. But that's what occurs to me while I sit and ponder right now....it may be that the shades of gray impact the situation in real life, it would be a struggle.
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 78
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 10:57:00 PM
To summarize - I read the whole 7 pages of this thread, and I'm finding that some posters think that 90% of the general population cheat, then there are some who are sure the most people don't cheat, and then there are some who admit that quite a few people may cheat, but they wouldn' date them. And then there are few compassionate souls who are willing to listen to the story and look at the real person. I think, we may need another 7 pages to sort it out.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 79
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 3:29:22 AM
if a person volunteers info on his/her affair, then one of two scenarios: 1) letting you know they are not looking for commitment or 2)simply honest.

i mean come on, how many people admit to having affairs?!*

you need more data and if there are redeeming qualities, more time to "really" assess the particular situation. much harder dating a screw around who does not reveal anything!

often people stay together for the kids. or they lead a sexless marriage. so many stories...you really need to hone in your people skills in today's dating world. learn to ask the same questions over time in many different ways. see if it all adds up!
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 80
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 1:54:47 PM
If somebody is a serial philanderer,to me that is a personality trait.That doesn't necessarily include the majority of people in a war.If any of the people here were to loudly proclaim their distaste for actions in a troubled past marriage,what would you expect to hear from somebody when you look into their eyes....stats are stats people.If you want to start a relationship with a person with deception right from the start,that's your business.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 81
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 5:48:45 PM

So just when does one ask "so, did you fvck around on your wife/husband?" - is that after the salad and before the entree or wait until after dessert. How does a person determine a serial philanderer from a One Time Charlie?


After desert.:)If there was a sure fire test it would be real popular.
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