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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs      Home login  
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 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 74
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairsPage 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
i am not in any way justifying cheating, but i am saying that infidelity does not happen in a vacuum. a person doesn't just cheat out of the blue. their partner has some responsibility in the affair as well on some level.


I beg to differ, and think there are some people that do cheat out of the blue. There exist those people that either don't believe in monogamy, or are narcissistic or sociopathic enough to believe that they are entitled to sleep with whomever they choose.

They will pretend to be monogamous for a limited period of time---just long enough to get what they want, whether that be money, fame, sex, or something else.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 75
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/15/2012 5:34:10 PM

i am not in any way justifying cheating, but i am saying that infidelity does not happen in a vacuum. a person doesn't just cheat out of the blue. their partner has some responsibility in the affair as well on some level.


And the sooner the people stating that cheating is a deal breaker come to grips with this....and themselves...the better.
 LRB62
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 76
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:38:34 PM
Yes!!! DEAL-BREAKER!!!

I will stay single the rest of my life rather than be cheated on again! There is NO EXCUSE for infidelity! NONE!.
RUN, run, run!
 LRB62
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 77
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:41:59 PM
There is no correlation with the circumstances you mention and infidelity. I've heard of cases like this and my heart goes out to them (those who divorce to get medicare/medicaid). Divorcing does not mean that they go and have sex with others. To stay married for medical insurance is . . .tacky. On the other hand, maybe it's no worse than staying married because it's more cost-effective (financially. Certainly not emotionally).
 LRB62
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 78
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:44:04 PM
Amen. It is the RARE person who cheats ONCE and never does it again---
 LRB62
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 79
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:45:50 PM
I believe you are correct.
 LRB62
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 80
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:53:33 PM
I bet ya ten bucks he had had more than "one" affair. Key word, "affair." (that means more than one instance of crossing the line-like weeks, months, years?)
 LRB62
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 81
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:58:07 PM
I LIKE you!!!! You speak reality on this topic. Those who haven't been cheated on (or in denial) don't know . . . Yes, I've been there too. Never again. No one is worth the destruction cheating causes.
 LRB62
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 82
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/15/2012 10:04:16 PM
"And the sooner the people stating that cheating is a deal breaker come to grips with this. . . and themselves . . .the better."

Spoken by a true cheather.
 KAKI3152
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 83
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:16:02 AM
Ask me no questions...I'll tell you no lies.

I never ask. I just look for the kinship we both have in common. Why should I be concerned about a person's past mistakes?
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 84
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 9:21:27 AM
It might depend upon the specifics - 25 years ago while hooked on drugs as opposed to last year because someone was "hot" - but in most cases no.
 LUCKS4U2
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 85
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 11:06:41 AM
Absolute deal breaker! No one holds a gun to a person's head and makes them have an affair. It is a CHOICE...usually an immature, irrational, and irreparable one. I'm talking about an emotional/sexual affair...not a drunken one night indiscretion.
I believe once you do something you would normally never do...it only gets easier to do it again. The reasons and behavior that led to the one affair can lead to another.
An affair is NOT just about being unhappy, lack of sex, love, etc...it IS about LYING, sneaking behind the person's back that you are in a committed relationship with. It is about that person's inability to communicate with their SO about what they deem to be wrong in their relationship and work on fixing it.
It is about fantasy....because obviously if you have been single before, you know about the rush you get from a brand new relationship. Those rose-colored glasses that make you think that "new person" is the nuts...especially compared to the one you are cheating on.
An affair is a way to find someone new, while keeping your old partner in the dark and on the back burner, until you decide which you prefer more.
In my opinion, it is a situation you allow yourself to get in to, because of a relaxation of your value system, selfishness, a need for attention, and a lack of self-respect. I have researched a lot about affairs...at times adultery is compared to the same addiction alcoholics and drug addicts have. Something you DO because...YOU can't be happy and satisfied unless you USE something or someone to make yourself "feel better".
Affairs ruin relationships and trust. I would NOT date a person who had an affair period.
If you want someone else, fine....finish who you are with FIRST...then knock yourself out!
Just remember Karma is a ****. ;p
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 86
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:41:24 PM
Twenty odd years ago when my marriage ended because of an affair (my husband's affair), this book was a life saver for me: http://www.amazon.com/Private-Lies-Infidelity-Betrayal-Intimacy/dp/0393307077

But Pittman also makes the point that not all adulterers are repeaters; that some learn, and DO NOT repeat.

So rather than deal in a blanket way, I believe I'd rather talk it out to see if my sense was that it was/wasn't likely to be a way of life.

The woman in the affair with him, whom he did marry and have a child with, couldn't quite get over the fact that he'd cheated with *her* and accused him of having an affair with every woman she knew he had to deal with. He decided that if he were to be accused, he might as well go ahead. He's been married for 15 years to the third, is not especially happy and doesn't expect to be, but hasn't cheated again, and doesn't seem likely to -- his words? "It costs too much."
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 87
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:45:27 PM
"And the sooner the people stating that cheating is a deal breaker come to grips with this. . . and themselves . . .the better."

Spoken by a true cheather.


You know nothing of what went on.All I see in you is a bitter woman that let herself go.Was this a factor in your situation?
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 88
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:50:12 PM
"And the sooner the people stating that cheating is a deal breaker come to grips with this. . . and themselves . . .the better."

Spoken by a true cheather.


My first thought also. . It's the classic approach of those who lack integrity...their action is somehow justified by the circumstance. Like the car thief who justifies his own immoral behavior in part because someone left their car unlocked. No, it's not good to leave one's car unlocked but it in no way sanctions the behavior of the thief.


This from the guy who has never stated he was married or had kids.

Let's not hear anything about integrity from the guy that admits driving around with his gf jerkin' him.Or is she actually blowing you trekker?
 Thornz2000
Joined: 1/2/2012
Msg: 89
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 6:09:31 PM
I would not. ....................................................................................
 Sometimes Goofy
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 90
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 8:08:53 PM
Agree. I think the pattern of behavior has to do with integrity and that's big if one has committed to a monogamous relationship. If there's something wrong with the relationship that communication can't work out, then it's time to move on, but integrity is a personal trait that I see as a core value. It would be hard for me to take someone seriously if I didn't feel there was a foundation of integrity somewhere inside. But that's what occurs to me while I sit and ponder right now....it may be that the shades of gray impact the situation in real life, it would be a struggle.
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 91
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 10:57:00 PM
To summarize - I read the whole 7 pages of this thread, and I'm finding that some posters think that 90% of the general population cheat, then there are some who are sure the most people don't cheat, and then there are some who admit that quite a few people may cheat, but they wouldn' date them. And then there are few compassionate souls who are willing to listen to the story and look at the real person. I think, we may need another 7 pages to sort it out.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 92
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 3:29:22 AM
if a person volunteers info on his/her affair, then one of two scenarios: 1) letting you know they are not looking for commitment or 2)simply honest.

i mean come on, how many people admit to having affairs?!*

you need more data and if there are redeeming qualities, more time to "really" assess the particular situation. much harder dating a screw around who does not reveal anything!

often people stay together for the kids. or they lead a sexless marriage. so many stories...you really need to hone in your people skills in today's dating world. learn to ask the same questions over time in many different ways. see if it all adds up!
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 93
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 1:54:47 PM
If somebody is a serial philanderer,to me that is a personality trait.That doesn't necessarily include the majority of people in a war.If any of the people here were to loudly proclaim their distaste for actions in a troubled past marriage,what would you expect to hear from somebody when you look into their eyes....stats are stats people.If you want to start a relationship with a person with deception right from the start,that's your business.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 94
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 5:48:45 PM

So just when does one ask "so, did you fvck around on your wife/husband?" - is that after the salad and before the entree or wait until after dessert. How does a person determine a serial philanderer from a One Time Charlie?


After desert.:)If there was a sure fire test it would be real popular.
 ninjaeleven
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 95
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 8:04:11 PM
I guess that would depend on how long ago they did that and if they knew they messed up. A deal breaker for me is a smoker.
 Latticuss
Joined: 7/10/2012
Msg: 96
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 8/24/2012 7:16:15 AM
Another subject that will be beat to death in here
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 97
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Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 8/24/2012 11:27:22 AM
yes i would
i would have no problem with that at all........
 brisco414
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 98
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 8/24/2012 2:06:27 PM
Yes I would ....depending on the "why" it happened.
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