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 AUTHOR
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 3
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situationPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hmmm, not if he flirts.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 4
situation
Posted: 7/3/2012 11:56:31 AM
Why would you want to do this to yourself?

When someone has issues then it is up to them to address them.
No matter how much you point it out to him he is not going to address them until HE feels it necessary.

So figure out why you are attracted to this.

Here is a short prayer for you:

Dear God ...

I have a problem.
It's me.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 5
situation
Posted: 7/3/2012 12:15:23 PM
~OP~ There's just nothing to say but, "Why, why, why are you even wondering this about this man??" My guess? You're a fixer. He needs fixed. This has "messed up situation" in HUGE flashing pink neon written all over it. You'd be doing yourself a huge favor to start cutting the cord and moving on to men who are emotionally available. This one has WAY too many issues. And the obvious? In the past 10 years, if it hasn't happened yet between the two of you. You are not going to magically be the light at his self-imposed dark tunnel now. Not only are you friend-zoned ~ you're not even dealing with a whole human being. He's emotionally bankrupt. Why on earth even ponder something emotionally based with someone that you KNOW has no emotional capabilities? JMO
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 6
situation
Posted: 7/3/2012 3:17:02 PM
There is not enuff info to make a decent stab at this.
Mostly there is your guesses and hopes.

In such a scenario, it is best to say what you feel
and see how it goes.

If you are too shy to do that,
then you need to ditch him
and find a guy who will say it first.

He may not be as interested in you...
(relationship-wise) as you are him.
But at least you will know and can move on.
however....maybe he does like you...as much.
Then your LDR fantasy can be made real.

Either way....time passes whether you act or not.
Do you intend to wait another ten years?
 safebetinvegas
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 7
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Posted: 7/3/2012 4:08:42 PM
So, with all the drama in the last 10 years has he asked you to send him ANY money at ANY time for ANY thing ??

If the answer is no, yet someday soon he does ask, expect him to disappear if you ever send him that "care" package.

Most likely, he'd declare the use of the money to be for "therapy" and pressure you that he fells that after all this time he is about to or is having a break through and that you are the only one who will help him, yada, yada...

Tread carefully.

Better yet, send him an invoice for your services over the last 10 years since anything over several months was enough time out of anyones life to deal with the issues you stated this guy has.
 kmac6
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 8
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Posted: 7/3/2012 4:34:46 PM
Without being flippant here I would recommend that OP not make herself so available to this man and seek some therapy herself to work out why it is she is drawn to this man and get some perspective on the situation. She may actually unknowingly be preventing him from sorting his issues out by being at his beck and call. He may have an underlying mental illness that needs proper treatment and these people can be very manipulative with other peoples emotions to feed their own anxieties.

Give yourself a break because as someone else has said.....TRAINWRECK!!
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 9
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Posted: 7/3/2012 4:41:39 PM
Hi Jack the Gripper,

He has mentioned this kind of therapy to me, that he has had when he was younger, and it did no good, according to him. Again, he says that any kind of talk therapy is not benefitting him in the least, and not only this, he has tried many different methods to help himself, from that (CBT) to hypnotism, to massage therapy, to acupuncture, reading self-help books etc., all to himself get rid of the pent up emotions he has. Nothing has worked with him. And he refuses medication for anything as well. So it's really up to him at this point, to help himself find yet another source to help him.


Then hopefully I can help him with that. He has called me the poster child for optimism and can never believe why I can be so happy all the time. It's not that I am of course, it's that next to him, who hates how life has treated him, anyone looks happier.
By the way let me add here because some posters have labeled him as being bratty and whiny. etc. He himself knows this already. He has told me many times, that he feels sorry for himself and apologizes to me for complaining all the time. He says I have taken a lot of from him, listening to him whine. And he is 41 now.


Yes, exactly. Being I am so far from him (he's in Europe) this is hard of course, to do, even if we do talk a lot. The thing is, I have had relationships with many men, but for some reason I am drawn to him. I wasn't always, so let me explain that here. About 10 yrs ago or even more, I met him for the first time in Europe while he was in a musical competition. I had no idea about his problems and then, they were not that apparent to him either. Forward a couple of years, he came into NYC and saw me here as well. He gave me a musical piece then, that he had written for me and played it for me then. Nice, melancholic piece of music. A year later, a computer glitch happened on my end, I lost all his information. He had moved at the same time to a larger city where he is at, and so had a new phone, and I had changed mine because of some crank caller. In short we were not able to communicate. Years later (7 or 8) I found his musical piece (the notes on musical paper) that he had written, and became curious to what had become of him, thinking surely he had to be married with kids by now. Looked him up, and sure enough found him online, and the rest is history. He was glad to hear from me, but nothing new from him! Sounds like a soap opera, eh? So maybe this is why I feel a kind of tie to him. Don't know, it's hard to put into words. Anyway thanks for reading my rambling.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 10
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Posted: 7/3/2012 6:27:05 PM
He could be all kinds of screwed up from his past or he could use that to keep women he doesn't want to sleep with away. Don't know since I don't know him...but I do know that while we can all be screwed up from the past, as adults we can get help and work though it or we can hang onto it so we don't ever have to be responsible for our relationships with others. If you are thinking you could fix him, then you are asking for drama and instability, you already know he's not interested in you that way, so playing games with your own head is not advisable.
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 11
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Posted: 7/4/2012 7:38:26 AM
Hello Kayla,
What is it exactly you're trying to say? I came for advice, and I am getting it. Simple and straight, whether it's the kind of advice I like, is another issue. For your information I think it's very sound advice. My basic problem is that I am trying to see how I can forget this guy because I keep hearing the same thing about how bad he is for me. And yet, I find that you can't really help who you fall in love with. You don't choose this just as you would choose something in a supermarket. You're original post said he may not be romantically attracted to me. Well you can be sure that I believe he is, by actions he's shown in person and what he has told me online. I am under the impression that because of his past, he has problems with his emotionality and hence any personal relationships will suffer because of this. You can scrutinize all you want, but you don't really seem to understand and get the real gist of the problem here.
I guess what you mean by "rescuing" is something I don't understand. Do you mean to say some are encouraging to seek out help for myself? If that's the case, I will do that. And as for thinking I am "as far gone" as the person I am dealing with, again, you don't know me and I find it odd you're judging people without knowing anything about them.
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 12
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Posted: 7/4/2012 7:39:23 AM

You don't have to go on and on about his problems. It sounds more like he needs a therapist than a girlfriend.

I've tried to get him to do this and he won't listen.
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 13
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Posted: 7/4/2012 8:19:50 AM
Hey Kayla,
I never said I WASN'T attracted to him, because I am, obviously. I don't understand still what you are trying to get at, honestly. I think, going back to my problem, is that he does want to be with me somehow, but being he has never had a "real" relationship with a female, he doesn't know about how to go about HAVING one. In other words, he may be emotionally detached.
You wrote Why do people write this sh!t?
Because it's true. You ARE being judgmental whether you care to admit it or not, and I think others would agree whether or not they care to comment! I'm being honest. Do you have a problem when people see that you this way? You're making a personal judgement of me without even knowing me, and not only that, you're doing it without addressing me myself.

You wrote--Funny, because you have essentially appealed to a bunch of complete strangers on a forum to "judge" the object of your affection and have even gone to considerable detail in supplying everything you feel we need to make an informed assessment of your dream boat and his capacity for having a meaningful relationship, but you don't think we have the insight necessary to read between the lines in your responses...

Sometimes complete strangers have the best advice. I would not include you in the bunch I am listening to, so you can omit the "we" in your statements.
I am looking for advice and I will ultimately make my decision based on my feelings and whatever sound advice comes my way. Thanks for your interest.
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 14
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Posted: 7/4/2012 10:42:21 AM
You've also mentioned that you're shy and would struggle to express your feelings for him first. It seems to me that you both have a communication problem, that you are both fearful of expressing your feelings in case of bad consequences such as rejection.

Have I got that right?

So your dilemma is, how do you learn together and progress towards the possibility of a healthy sexual relationship, given that he rejects letting go of his old habits without considering his options for change?
Yes, that is all correct. I have a problem with that, because I have this feeling he will flee if he sees I want more than just friendship. And the only touching we did was hold hands when I saw him. At the same time he is afraid of anything having to do with emotion. He has felt sadness, hurt, anger, etc. all throughout his childhood, and has been not able to deal with these things although he has tried a LOT of things as I said before. He also tells me himself, that he doesn't show emotion very well, and I can see what he means. He tells me that he acts "normally" in front of his friends and that I am the only one he has told all his problems to about, and when I asked him why, he said it was because he "trusts" me. I also get feeling that because I am so far from him, that he feels "safe" because of that and this is why he is more open. I did ask him why didnt he talk about this when I was there to see him, and he said it was because "I didnt ask" !! I admit I did try to occupy his time more with fun things instead of talking about his problems, just to get his mind off them. But I wouldn't have minded talking to him about his issues in person.
Thanks for all your help. I will take what everyone has said into consideration, except for one person I'm sure you know, and will just try and see what it is I can do to keep him as a friend, but not have any romantic illusions about him. Take care.
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 15
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Posted: 7/4/2012 11:16:24 AM
The good news is, plenty of females have suffered from this thought process. It is common.
The bad news is, most of them are under the age of 14!

The bad news for you is that most women your age don't act like 14 year olds, either. Tee hee!
 cr4zycupcake
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 16
situation
Posted: 7/4/2012 12:23:43 PM
Tell him to piss off. Sounds like a jerk. he knows you like him too by the way.
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 17
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Posted: 7/5/2012 4:32:46 PM
"You're not doing a good job of "not listening" to me as you vowed to do earlier."

If you think I vowed that I would listen to you, you're more delusional than I thought.
I have just three requests for you, kayla.
1. You need to calm down and take a chill pill. Try breathing exercises when you feel too brash--and count to 10. Works wonders.
2. I'm not interested in hearing anymore "advice" you have to offer.
3. You wanna win this "fight" you are having with yourself? Fine, where do you want me to send the doggiebone? Emial or snailmail?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 18
situation
Posted: 7/5/2012 4:44:46 PM
OP
What do YOU really want to do? Are you content with this LDR/electronic penpal deal where you keep hoping you will find the right things to say and do to "fix" him?

There is nothing wrong with living and/or dying for an ideal, or undergoing a hardship for an ideal. But, like many other ideals( world peace, the end of bigotry, equal access to the necessities of life for all peoples of the world), it may not ever be achieved. I honestly don't think there is much of anything anyone can do for this man-because he LIKES it where he is. I don't care what he SAYS...hell, if a CAT doesn't like the place its' lying in, it'll get up and move to something that suits it better.

Yes, it's entirely possible that this man has so thoroughly controlled his emotions for so long, that his emotions now have "Stockholm syndrome". I think that fixing that- if it even IS fixable!-is way beyond what your caring and concern could effect.

I think that whatever it is that you currently have with this man is about as good as its' gonna get. If you would prefer that to going out and having a more functional relationship with a man whose emotions aren't crippled, then who are we to pass judgement?

I can sort of relate to the "fixer" syndrome but I've learned to temper it with common sense. I think this is what you also need to do, OP-but it is YOUR life and provided you are not breaking important laws of God, man,physics or gravity-you should live it however you deem fit.

If you are asking how to "get over" him-well, that's a process and it will require some significant force of will. I cannot advise you as to the exact method and logistics-whether it should be the time-honored "clean break" , or whether you can make a conscious effort to bring this back to strictly platonic friendship-only you know the strength of your own willpower.
It does sound like there wa a considerable stretch of time when you and he were completely out of contact-and both of you managed to survive. I'm wondering about why you chose to initiate a contact with him after so many years?

Did you experience a disappointment with another relationship? Is this deal with this guy a sort of a "fantasy break" to salve your own wounded emotions?
When a relationship is meant to come together, even though it does require work, compromise, sacrifice,putting someone else as equal to yourself in terms of wants& needs-but a relationship that is meant to happen doesn't FEEL like work, sacrifice, tremendous effort.
It's your call, OP. That's my assessment/opinion of the situation. If you are looking for someone to tell you some "magic words" or a specific way to manipulate this situation to your own ends, I don't have any answers for you.
Cindy O
 XNhightshade
Joined: 6/25/2012
Msg: 19
situation
Posted: 7/5/2012 11:42:25 PM
He sounds like a mess. Needs to work on himself before he can do anything else. And , what's more, he man never come out of it and always be screwed up. But one meeting does NOT a relationship make, friendship or otherwise.
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 20
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Posted: 7/6/2012 11:10:59 AM
"He sounds like a mess. Needs to work on himself before he can do anything else. And , what's more, he man never come out of it and always be screwed up. But one meeting does NOT a relationship make, friendship or otherwise."
Yes, you're absolutely right, but we have met 3 times in life, not one. Even then, he says the same thing to me--he has to fix himself before he's can be ready for any relationship.
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 21
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Posted: 7/6/2012 12:01:03 PM
" What do YOU really want to do? Are you content with this LDR/electronic penpal deal where you keep hoping you will find the right things to say and do to "fix" him?"
No, I am not content with that of course. This is the deal: I knew nothing of his problems when I met him over 10 yrs ago. We'd talk online, on the phone, and I had met him in Europe during a musical competition he was part of. I repeat, I knew nothing and was not interested in him because of his young age, and he knew this as well. I met him then, and I saw him again when he came to visit me where I live 2 yrs after I saw him in Europe. But he never really talked about his problems to me until about 2 yrs ago, and that was after I had lost contact with him, and found him again online.

" I honestly don't think there is much of anything anyone can do for this man-because he LIKES it where he is."

I kind of agree with you here, and I kind of don't. Here's why. He's been telling me he's been trying to "fix" himself for 15 yrs, through different methods (therapy, hypnotism, acupuncture, etc) and all these things didnt work for him. He has read many self-help books. The fact is, he has tried to help himself, but I tell him that there are so many different kinds of therapists, and that he chose the wrong one. He shows me statistics saying most people in therapy, get out of it without any benefits. The reason for the therapy-- insecurities relating to problems with his father. but at least, with the talks we've had, he's come to realize that forgiving his father, and accepting him for what he is, is the basis for getting better with himself. And I have helped him with that! Only with this, has he agreed. He wasn't even talking to his father until lately, and still doesn't really communicate as much, but at least there is some progress there. There is that one issue with his father, that is the culprit to all of his problems.
This may give you more insight into why I feel as I do. I mentioned I had not been interested when he was younger and this was understandable to me. He knew this because I would tell him, he was just a "baby" and he would argue that he was a man. When I reconnected with him, he told me once he knew I liked him, which I denied (I was lying, of course , I did, but couldn’t tell him because I felt ashamed of the age difference). So I told him, that I didn't like him "in that way." He then went on to say how great a kisser he was, etc., and asked me if I would not even want to kiss him. I told him no, because I "could be his mother", to which he said, "But the fact is you're not." When he told me he knew I liked him, I did feel as if he could see through me, but I hid my feelings and because I did feel shame about the age difference, it's that simple. Now that we are both older, it doesn't mean as much to me, in fact, I have friends that have seen his picture and tell me we look about the same age. But then again they might just be being nice!

"Did you experience a disappointment with another relationship? Is this deal with this guy a sort of a "fantasy break" to salve your own wounded emotions?
When a relationship is meant to come together, even though it does require work, compromise, sacrifice,putting someone else as equal to yourself in terms of wants& needs-but a relationship that is meant to happen doesn't FEEL like work, sacrifice, tremendous effort.
It's your call, OP. That's my assessment/opinion of the situation. If you are looking for someone to tell you some "magic words" or a specific way to manipulate this situation to your own ends, I don't have any answers for you. "

I did have a relationship in the middle of all this, with another man, and he knew about it. He’d still call me to see how I was. I left the relationship about 5 yrs ago, it was my initiative--and I felt nothing for that guy like what I feel here. But it has nothing to do with this other man, I would think. Yes, it is MY call, and his as well. It would mean lot of effort on my part, if I chose that, and I feel that if this person is EVER able to help himself and continues to talk to me, I'll be more assertive with my feelings and see how that goes. But if he doesn't, and my feeling is this is how it will turn out because they say the best prediction about behaviors and how things will turn out is to base them on the past events , then I will simply have to keep myself busy to forget him, and let time heal. Thanks so much.
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 22
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Posted: 7/6/2012 1:21:07 PM
"Amy, he may make beautiful music but unless you only plan on getting laid every 3 years he's not going to be much of a BF."
LOL! I hope to move to Europe, have always wanted to retire there. But it's more important to see him for who he is, right now.
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 23
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Posted: 7/6/2012 1:30:10 PM
" OP I think you are an enabler. You let him go on complaining and doing nothing. I don't agree with the other amateur psychiatrists in this thread. Neurotics admit they have a problem. Sociopaths and psychpaths don't admit they have a problem. The guy's neurotic and it's probably something he's just going to have to live with. If he gets out more he has a good chance of finding someone like you closer to his own age and location who will sympathize, mother him, and take care of him, maybe even support him if he's lucky. They're out there and as you say, they need each other."
I don't know if I've spoken to any true psychiatrists, but I agree with you. He is not a sociopath nor a psychopath, I've looked those up and he doesn't fit the description. He is a nervous individual, that is all I know, who has trouble dealing with letting out his emotions (anger, hurt, etc). He can express them now, and is doing that but he says they come up to the surface and he wants to get "rid" of them. You're right, maybe he will finally find someone closer to him who will give him the support he needs.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 24
situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 1:46:42 PM
What is the age difference?
 babbyblue22
Joined: 6/21/2012
Msg: 25
situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 2:29:33 PM
He looks special to you because he opened up like probably no man has before, and you know him very well after all those years. 10 years is like a marriage, just to talk to someone for so long , it's a lot of time.He trust's you and only you if he let you go so deep inside him, and trust is not something that u can get easily. Sometimes you can have a great connection with someone , but no romance at all, but that is not the end of the wolrd.What would u prefer : a quick fire that burns out allmost instantly (romance ) or a long , warm, susteined fire that warms you for years ( friendship ,respect and love) ?
I think that people act different with other people when they know how the other one feels. He knows that u are his friend for the last 10 years and he doesn't look at you other way , but maybe if you talk to him about that...you will find another person there.Someone who is capable to make you feel that romance too. Try. Is not gonna hurt :)
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 26
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Posted: 7/7/2012 12:52:05 PM
It certainly has taken him a long time to get over his childhood. I remember once telling him that he feels guilty now, because he thought that his father saw him as worthless, and so he himself is justifying what he thought his father felt by feeling worthless about himself and so on. But he seems to be getting over this now, a bit.

"She can't "cure" him, but there's no reason why she can't be one of many influences in this man's life that/who enables him, "helps" him, to progress in a positive way along the path he's following. That's a really valuable thing to be able to do for another human being. Its a part of what relationships, whether friendship, sexual, professional, whatever, are about - helping others progress in a positive way along the path they are following."
Thanks-- that's exactly what I try to do. I realize I can be there just to listen and lead him to more positive thinking, but not "cure" him. You've said that well, Jac.
 Amy1022
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 27
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Posted: 7/7/2012 12:54:19 PM
"He looks special to you because he opened up like probably no man has before, and you know him very well after all those years. 10 years is like a marriage, just to talk to someone for so long , it's a lot of time.He trust's you and only you if he let you go so deep inside him, and trust is not something that u can get easily. Sometimes you can have a great connection with someone , but no romance at all, but that is not the end of the wolrd.What would u prefer : a quick fire that burns out allmost instantly (romance ) or a long , warm, susteined fire that warms you for years ( friendship ,respect and love) ? I think that people act different with other people when they know how the other one feels. He knows that u are his friend for the last 10 years and he doesn't look at you other way , but maybe if you talk to him about that...you will find another person there.Someone who is capable to make you feel that romance too. Try. Is not gonna hurt :) "

I agree with you there. Thanks for your kind words.
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