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 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 2
not sending bday money to childPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
If she only looks at you are a money tree, Not as a person. I would pay the bare min only what I have to. Im sure that as always I'm politicly incorrect but hey she dont sound like she deserve for you to go the extra mile. Save the money and spend it on your self enjoy life. I'm sure you dont get any joy having a kid.
 newonthescene76
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 5
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not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/5/2012 6:09:53 PM
How often have you seen your daughter in 13 years? If not many, why did you not go to court and fight to see her? I have a funny feeling that your daughter is thinking the same thing and her reaction to you probably has more to do with her feeling hurt than her being a spoiled kid.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 8
not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/5/2012 10:16:58 PM
It sound to me that you are the kind of a father that many kids would want to have. A kid that most people wouldnt want.. She is not a 5 year old, If she wanted to talk to you I bet she could have found a phone to call you. It could be cause of your EX brain washed her. Who knows why she won't talk to you. Don't pay the medical bills for a few months I bet your ex would change her song and dance... It just sound like you are a sucker and your ex and kid are playing you and using you. Sorry but I would have stoped it early on.
 newonthescene76
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 12
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not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/6/2012 7:14:46 PM

I have no problem paying support at all and Im ok with never being "thanked" but when the mom wont keep a job and basically nobody in the house has a real job, excluding my kid of course, the grandmother has a degree and use to teach but chose to retire early.. I know my money is not being used correctly and that pisses me off


So out comes the real reason why this is bothering you--you don't like how the money is being spent. If you don't like this why don't you try to get full or joint custody? I just really don't understand the men who complain about never being able to visit their kids and how their money is being spent why they don't sue for joint or full custody or at least get the court involved if a prior contact agreement is not being upheld.
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 13
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not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/7/2012 8:32:39 AM
the best gift you can give her is a relationship with you. I know it would take an incredible amount of energy, time and patience at this point. But she really does need her daddy. Her mom has filled her up with negative stories, and the sad thing is, because this girl is part of both of you, every bad thing told to her is part of her. That is how kids see it, and it would be great if you could show her you aren't that horrible person her mom has been telling her about. I like Pink Zombies idea of a out of the house "date" where its just the two of you. Someplace where you can talk, or even sit in silence, .. just so its comfortable. Take a some time to show her some things about your work, what you do for fun, because she isn't going to talk much at first. Allow that, give her time. Best of luck to you... its a tough situation to be in.
 newonthescene76
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 18
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not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/7/2012 7:59:40 PM
The family courts do NOT care how child support is spent. There is no accountability feature built into child support. It is tax free to the person receiving it and they can spend it how every they wish - cigarettes, alcohol and drugs if they want to.


No kidding. I wasn't saying that the courts should oversee how the money is being spent. It was more of a comment on how if a man is not happy with the situation (e.g., how the mother is handling things) then the man should try to change the situation (e.g., sue for custody).


The family court are very unlikely to change the status quo of a custody arrangement after 17 years. Plus at 17, the daughter has a say in her custody disposition. And you suggest full custody? Joint custody? They were never married and their child was a baby. Family courts never take a young baby away from the mother who was never married in the first place.


Are you trying to tell me that a man who is paying child support has no legal right to his child? To get child support, parentage needs to be established. Once it has been he should get all the rights and responsibilities of a parent. While it would be difficult to get full custody in any case, I don't see why it would be difficult to get joint custody. As this situation with the daughter (who is 15 btw) sounds like it has been going on for a long time, suing for joint custody could have occurred when she was younger. But besides suing for custody, why hasn't the OP gone back to court in the last 13 years to enforce his visitation? If he had, this current situation with the daughter may not have happened.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 20
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not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/8/2012 1:23:12 PM
maybe I missed it.... but what is the path that got you to this point???? at what age did your child stop wanting to see you??? and why at that point???

child support is something you pay because you chose to have a child... my guess is that although it cuts some of the costs of raising the child it isn't the only costs...

also... child support laws in CA have changed... the mother can go after support as long as the child is under 21 and in school.... so you may be paying for college.... or at least helping.... which is not a bad thing...

good for you that you are paying.... many parents don't.... my sister hasn't seen support in years.... she pays all... including medical.... and now college....
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 22
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not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/9/2012 8:24:42 AM
whats funny.... is that men think it is all about them... I have two co-workers that have 50/50 custody of their children and they pay child support to their baby daddy... so it goes both ways... depends on the custody... don't want to pay support... get custody of your child.... oh wait... you will still be paying them support... just to the landlord for needing a larger place.... the market for having to cook daily and pack lunches.... gas for driving them to everything.... sports.... entertainment.... clothes.... the list goes on... kids cost money... that should not be news... should have kept that in mind when the kids were made.... with the exception of people who divorce someone with an huge income.... most child support does not have the custodial parent living large....
 newonthescene76
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 24
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not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/12/2012 7:03:23 PM

I never got to go to a real college so why should she..


While I understand about kids learning responsibility and not having things handed to them, this statement says a lot about you. As a good parent you want your children to have better than you had; it obviously shows that you never really wanted to be a parent. My parents couldn't afford to send me to college, but they supported me in other ways. I also know that if my parents had the money that they would have helped me out, not be bitter because I am surpassing them education-wise.

Additionally, the way you speak of the mother of your child is dripping with contempt. I'm beginning to see why they don't tell you where they live and your daughter views you as only an ATM. You sound pi**ed at having to help support a child that you helped bring into the world. If you didn't want to have children you could have not had sex, worn a condom, or got snipped.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 28
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not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/12/2012 8:11:18 PM
Did your penis not participate in inseminating this woman??? seriously.... BYOC... BRING YOUR OWN CONDOMS..... you had sex with her... she chose to have the child and not an abortion.... but getting her pregnant you helped in... there are ways to prevent pregnancy.... vasectomy is one.... then still use a condom for STI prevention... stop acting like a dang victim..... I can see why your daughter wants nothing to do with you.... if she has any inkling of your attitude about her... she has every right to not want to be around you...

married or not.... you laid down and made a baby.... your job to help support her....
 irish_smackie
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 30
not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/12/2012 8:30:23 PM
Too bad you haven't nourished the kind of relationship that would have allowed you to know what kind of gift your daughter would have loved for her birthday - money is so impersonal. What next? A Starbucks gift card? A fruit basket?

I find your physical absence in her life pretty close to inexcusable. How could she possibly want to seek a relationship with a man who doesn't find her important enough to visit?
 irish_smackie
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 32
not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/12/2012 8:57:10 PM
I suppose it's just me, but being told to stay away wouldn't be enough to keep me away from my kids, especially when there was a court order for visitation. All you needed to do was show up with the cops, and you would have seen her.

The way you describe your daughter's life is that she is in a constant state of need financially. She deserved better. She shouldn't have to feel grateful for getting (some of) what she deserved all along. You may not have asked to be a father, but you DID participate in her creation. SHE was the one without any power at all. If she is angry about not having a normal family life and having an absentee father, I don't blame her.
 irish_smackie
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 34
not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/12/2012 9:14:00 PM
Yes you can. I've seen it with my own eyes.
 irish_smackie
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 37
not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/13/2012 10:13:29 AM
...and millions of kids have the problem of fathers being too apathetic to insist their rights be enforced. It's really too bad; the kids are the ones who suffer - they NEED their fathers.

Of course, it's probably too late for the original poster at this point. Too much time has passed for him to be considered a major player in this girl's life.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 38
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not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/13/2012 8:21:26 PM
I am highly familiar with the OC Courts and the local police... the first time she didn't show up for a COURT ordered visitation you should have violated her in court... needed to file in court.... and the meeting place should have been the local PD... should have done all contact on Family Wizard so court could see it.... any visit that was ordered in court that she didn't show for made her in violation of a court order... PD could have gone to her home with you and had the child come to the visit... a baby doesn't know not to go on a visit and if you had followed through from birth... she wouldn't have had this power over you.... the only reason court would not allow you her address is if there was a protection order... otherwise addresses are a matter of court record and you would have the legal right to know where your child lives.... this didn't just happen over night.... it is years of apathy that caused this...
 Realism320
Joined: 4/12/2012
Msg: 39
not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/20/2012 6:16:30 AM
I ,wouldn't worry about the Birthday Money or Gifts
You already gave her the gift of life
I am a child support paying dad just like you same situation woman doesn't want me to be near my kid but gladly takes my money
When you have situations with no contact really and possible no win situation at all just pay what you owe till she is 18
If she really wants to be in your life she will let you know
I am saying this based on what I deal with not being able to see my 10 year old and the mom controlling the court with her nonsense
In today's world too many people are getting burned with Child support just because word of mouth
which is really sad
In the end of all this the people that were selfish enough to have a child with you and pretend you mean nothing will get there's in the end some people call it Karma others will say you Reap what you Sow ...........
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 42
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not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/21/2012 10:00:47 PM
OP, I would never judge because I have never been in your shoes. I feel for ya, I really do. I have been reading the posts on here and admit I too felt you should have been a stronger influence in her life, but after reading your replies, I understand more now.

Its never too late should she want to make a move to get to know you better, and after she is away from her mother's influence she just might. If she does make an honest effort I hope you will accept the olive branch. Set the burden down, as you have very little control over this situation and just do what ever YOU think is right. Peace to you :)
 Realism320
Joined: 4/12/2012
Msg: 43
not sending bday money to child
Posted: 7/22/2012 8:29:09 AM
There will always be two sides of the stories some makes there's sound better then others
In the end The truth and attitude comes out and you'll see who really was the one causing the problem

In my experience I was paying the woman before child support but she wasn't satisfied she wanted it locked down so she would make sure she was going to get something that was her biggest mistake

You know most women that don't want to work it out it's a personal problem with them not you .....

Not all men are out here to have babies and Abandon there kids most of the time they are driven away which most people that aren't in this situation realize

It's easy for people to say it takes two blah blah but it doesn't take two to file Child support which i think should be a new law made that any women who apply must have the Father present if not she can't apply seriously because it seems like lot's of women have no trouble getting there papers passed through

When men go to contest this it is always a headache and most of the time they don't care about anything you have to say which makes it one sided and that should be changed
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 46
not sending bday money to child
Posted: 8/21/2012 11:30:12 AM

I have never been thanked for my support or any gifts or other medical bills Ive paid


Maybe because you shouldnt be thanked for doing something you should be doing, which is supporting her. (mother too).


I asked to use her as a write off for tax purposes one year


And herein, lies the problem....Maybe this is why she sent you some bad messages (not just because of xmas). You essentially just made her feel like a bill. WTF are you even thinking of ASKING a 15 yr old this and bringing her into your adult money issues?


My daughter thinks Im made of money


Well, you look at her as a tax write off.....


I have in the past scheduled visits but they are always canceled, and when I have visited my kid to drop off money or gifts.. thats all she wants and then its bye bye to me for 6 months or so..


Take it up with the court for modification of visitation (if you already dont have one in place). If one is in place, ask the courts for help in enforcing your visitation rights. She is at that awkward stage, and could be acting out that dad doesnt see her as anything but a financial burden.

Your whole post you talk about money and gifts...things of monetary value. If you were that concerned about her well being, your post would be more geared towards making sure your rights as a father are being enforced. Although I admit, at 15, shes had alot of years without your emotional support, which could be why she is acting out now.
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 47
not sending bday money to child
Posted: 8/21/2012 11:44:49 AM

Mom chose, I pay,.


So is this like, she slipped and her legs fell between your .......???

price you pay for having sex.


Im just not a kid a guy.


I think your daughter is better off without you in her life then. Sorry.
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