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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How to be less shallow?      Home login  
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 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 26
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How to be less shallow?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
How to be less shallow? Remove our eyeballs!
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 27
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 7:17:11 AM

--What a load of crock.

Everyone is visual, just not everyone values beauty over everything else...


Spot on! I am tired of being told that because I am a woman, I am not a"visual"--that is total BS.

OP, as others have said, we all have preferences and because you are attracted to good-looking women does not mean that you are shallow. In fact, because you are concerned that you are shallow probably means that you are not.

No one can advise you on how to changes your "preferences" or how to "make" yourself be attracted to women who just do not attract you. I WOULD say that once you meet The Woman and you really click, her looks will be secondary.

However, I am much too jaded to say that. I see loads of profiles of old, fat, scraggly, ugly men to whom this has apparently not happened--they keep questing and lusting after the "sexy, beautiful, gorgeous" women. I know this because they list these qualifications for women on their profiles.

You are young, you are "unformed," and hopefully, you will evolve and mature. Beauty comes in different forms--keep your eyes and heart open.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 28
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 7:30:35 AM
I think it's ok that you're not a touchy person. If she's attracted to you, it'll make her want to draw it out of you over time, which is more natural.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 29
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 8:07:19 AM

This makes me wonder how much of an opportunity you give yourself to get to know a woman’s personality. It takes a while….a lot longer than determining if her looks are gonna do anything for you. Personality will mean more to you when you take the time to get to know someone.

Sometimes a terrific personality will make a so-called ‘average’ looking person look amazing to you. :)


I totally agree with Fleuron here. (Did I say that out loud?)

Have you ever heard of "thinking outside the box?" Apply that to your dating life. You'd be surprised at how much of your opinions of beauty are shaped by society. What was once attractive is now considered ugly and what was once ugly is now considered attractive. If you don't believe me go back and look at the basketball uniforms in the 70's (women would gag if they saw you wearing those short shorts now) and how today the nerd look is cool (put todays fashion back in the 70's and no one would associate with you).

Allow yourself to get to know a person before you dismiss them based on your preconceived notions of attactiveness. For goodness sake don't worry about what your friends might think. When you see a sparkle in her eyes, an innocent smile and a sweet personality come through, you will be amazed at how much better they suddenly become. You have to give it a chance though.

You're letting some fashion designers, society norms and your friends dictate what's attractive. It's not you as much as you think it is. You're selling yourself short.
 Deleted1a2b3c4d5e
Joined: 10/24/2011
Msg: 30
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 8:10:08 AM
Here's my take on it,

As most men get older, I think looks become less important. Not unimportant, but less important as time goes on. I think this is a function of practicality. As a guy gets older, he has a clearer idea of what he can and cannot get out there for dating. Sometimes he can extend past those limits, but usually social expectations and pressures create a situation were most guys, IMHO, start to realize that aspects of their idealism from youth are not practical.

And here is my personal take on it, I think it's easier to let looks go by a bit when you start to value different things in people, and sometimes that only comes with certain experiences and with time. I've traveled outside the US often for work, and something I discovered for myself years ago was that American women, most of them, not all, became very undesirable, regardless of looks, compared to my new view of women abroad. In this regard, I think if you traveled some, you'd learn a lot about yourself and a lot about different cultures and a lot about what you might find important or not in terms of looks. Overseas I found that many women were more family oriented and less hostile and less entitled, to my viewpoint, and I think it just soured me to most women I encounter in day to day life now.

IMHO, sometimes you need to see a contrast before you start to realize why certain things become more important than others. My advice is to travel a bit, enjoy seeing the world and I think what you will discover about yourself and what you thought was important will probably undergo some changes. Good luck.
 TheLongSpring
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 31
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 9:42:16 AM
Hey, if a woman can reject a man who is otherwise perfect because he is a half-inch shorter than her when she's wearing heels, then by golly, overweight unattractive men should be able to go after all the hotties they want!!

Preferences can't be unreasonable at all, right??

Surely, there's enough 6'2" tall guys to go around for all the ladies! Right?

Just like there's pleny of women who are 9's and 10's who want to date 3's and 4's!

Yeah!!!!!

So what I'm not getting the dates I want?? I never settle!!!! NEVER!!!!!!!!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 32
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 9:58:26 AM
Embrase your shallowness. But be realistic. Are you getting laid? If you are not, then you are lost in a cloud of illusion. If you are getting laid, but not as often because you are picky, nothing wrong with that.

I personally like attractive women. I will not sleep with a woman that I am not physically attracted to. Period.
 FairlyAlright
Joined: 9/26/2011
Msg: 33
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 11:05:40 AM


Email those without pictures then.


Don't let this get around, but profiles without pictures are a vastly under-appreciated resource. No one should disregard a profile without a photo if all the other desired qualities are present.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 34
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 1:09:19 PM
Everyone's idea of what is attractive is different. Some might think Kim Kardashian is a 10 and you might think she is a 4 - who knows. If you want to date the really good looking girls, dates will be much fewer.
I can date guys who look like George Clooney or Chris Hemsworth, but they don't come around too often so I end up going out with guys who are average looking but really smart and funny! Sometimes I find the better looking the guy is the more boring he is. You're still young - I'm not saying you should go for the dogs, but you will learn personality plays a huge part in compatibility and attraction.
I have learned from similar posts though that women seem to be more forgiving in the looks department.
 Deleted1a2b3c4d5e
Joined: 10/24/2011
Msg: 35
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 1:52:04 PM
Hey, if a woman can reject a man who is otherwise perfect because he is a half-inch shorter than her when she's wearing heels, then by golly, overweight unattractive men should be able to go after all the hotties they want!!

Preferences can't be unreasonable at all, right??



Giving it some thought, yes, I would agree LongSpring, the general and typical height requirements in how most women date would be something I would consider a shallow desire ( i.e. under the thinking that weight is changeable and has a lifestyle/health component while height does not, I think, IMHO, that unconditional love and acceptance comes from being tested against the things that people can't change period, like their current age or a medical condition or a handicap or their height, etc)

So I would agree with you, if that's where you were going with it, that any woman who has a height requirement for dating, IMHO, I would consider that a sign that unconditional love was completely impossible for the person to give to another, regardless of the height of the men they do actually date. I'm not sure I would use the word unreasonable, however I might use the word impractical for most to describe it. Generally speaking, the most attractive women out there, who are also blessed with youth and have no children currently, will probably be able to leverage and secure a large pool of height appropriate candidates for themselves ( "appropriate" as to how most women date, not to how I think most men see it) But again, I think that's a situation and range of options not available to most women.

A woman can get a makeover, or buy new clothes or try a new haircut or head to the gym or even try to smile more, there are many ways a woman can attempt to increase her degree of attractiveness, but no man can grow taller naturally after he's reached his adult height. I think "shallowness" again, IMHO, refers to how people treat things we can't change.

But I still believe people are free to want what they want and pursue what they want. Maybe that's a good point for the OP, that while he is asking how he can make his attraction function in a less conditional manner, it may help to know most of his target dating pool will not grant him that same mercy, in any capacity.

Speaking as a man and only for myself, I guess I've gotten to the point where I have just come to terms that the only chance most men out there have for unconditional love from a woman is from their mothers or their daughters or female relatives, if they are lucky enough to have mothers or daughters or female relatives with the capacity to love. I've come to terms that unconditional love from a non related female is, for me, simply not something I think I will ever see in my lifetime.

Maybe the OP will need to investigate the "conditions" under which he might choose one thing versus another and see where the roots of that comes from.
 StillwellR
Joined: 6/24/2012
Msg: 36
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 2:43:07 PM
I've been turned down because of my height. I've seen girls post stuff like, don't contact me if you aren't a certain race, etc. I big thing that's been the issue of many turn downs is me not having a job. Which kind of sucks because I could care less if a woman has a job or not, it plays not role in my attraction to her. I've been turned down a lot for being a few years younger(at 22 I generally search from 18-26). Like a lot of you are saying though, those people can't help that they aren't attracted to those types.

When I say attractive though I don't mean super model-ish. I mean, I wouldn't turn down a woman that attractive but at the same time I think I'm just looking for someone who is average or just a little above. Like I said earlier in the 6-7ish range but some of the nicest ones I've talked to are just flat out not attractive at all(to me of coarse.) I would like to look past that because I honestly what I'm looking for out of a relationship is way more than anything physical(probably weird for a 22 year old to say that.. but still lol) but I just cannot. Then like I said, I feel like a hyprocite wanting a "6-7" when I'm possibly in the -3 category.


Thanks a lot though guys, I have to be honest, with my previous experience on online forums I expected this to be pretty bad. On the contrary it's been nothing but great feedback(with the exception of that one guy.. what a d-bag lol)
 TheLongSpring
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 37
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 3:04:11 PM
MountHeartbreak, that was some good insight there. (Seriously)
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 38
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 3:12:16 PM
If you truly feel like you're a 3, you'll never have the confidence to get a 6 or 7.
I normally don't put people in leagues, but if you are putting yourself in as a 3 - maybe you should just stick with other 3's until you gain some confidence.
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 39
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 3:45:36 PM

As most men get older, I think looks become less important. Not unimportant, but less important as time goes on.


speaking as someone well into middle age, i can tell you that this is decidedly NOT the case.

the great majority of available men in my age range only profess interest for the Pretty Young Things. they seem to believe that they *deserve* the trophy for having put up with a bad marriage previously or it's simply their mid-life crisis talking...
 Deleted1a2b3c4d5e
Joined: 10/24/2011
Msg: 40
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 3:56:44 PM
I have learned from similar posts though that women seem to be more forgiving in the looks department.



I agree and yet I also disagree. And I think in terms of "shallow" behavior, in terms of what is probably a social definition of it, I would say it's no more merciful than when applied to looks alone.

My observation and experience is many to most women will be more forgiving for a man's looks, but often for only a few select situations and "outlier" type circumstances. Usually these circumstances still hold a very high social value in general and usually are difficult for most men to obtain. So to say, I don't think it denotes a lack of "shallowness" for whatever some people would define it, but would simply be the "shallowness" placed in a different area of importance.

For example, a man can attract women through wealth/money or some type of achievement or some type of skill that is not very common. Plenty of filthy rich guys can date a lot of very attractive women. Does it make those women less shallow if they focus less on looks? I don't know. Less on looks is a nice thought, it SOUNDS good out loud and it's politically correct, but what's not often politically correct is where is the focus going instead? There are plenty of professional athletes who can have their pick of beautiful women. Some of those guys aren't the best looking dudes in the world, but they are on TV, many are famous, many are physically large and many have lots of cash. Is it less shallow for a woman to say she forgave his lack of looks? When he has all these other attributes that are seen as socially desirable.

To me, REAL forgiveness on looks would occur if that guy wasn't good looking and his best qualities were things that had no real widespread social value to the rest of society. For example, if a guy is very gentle or kind to you. That's something internal and not often external that the world can see and find important.

IMHO, it's not "forgiveness" if its just a way to reallocate the way many people denigrate the opposite sex in pieces of meat or money or fame or anything other than simply loving that person just for who they are. I also think forgiveness only happens when you have a real choice. Plenty of people out there bend but don't break on many issues, not because of some mythical altruism, but because they often don't have enough to offer to get what they really want or society says they should want, and they have to adjust accordingly or face getting nothing at all. I don't see that as "forgiveness" either, I see that as functional pragmatism.

So long story short, no offense, but I call bullshit. It's not just men and it's not just women, there are a whole lot of PEOPLE period who are absolutely ruthless and cutthroat about the looks issue. Or any other issue that most people want and most people want to get to make their own lives better and to feel better about themselves because they have something society says they should and they know others in life don't have it.

So to the OP, if you want to be less "shallow" then value things that society can reward you for getting. Society will reward you for dating the girl that looks like a young Angelina Jolie, but society won't reward you for picking a girl who maybe isn't very good looking to societies view but she's the kind of girl that would stand by you, really stand, through thick and thin, through the best times and the worst times. Because long after society has used you up like toilet paper and wiped with you and spit you out, that kind of girl will probably still be there for you. That's the girl you marry. That's the girl you fight for. That's the girl you die for. That's the kind of girl you spend you life with. I just don't know if that girl actually exists, I just don't. I think if you have parents and siblings that love you and a maybe a dog that loves you, then try to hold onto that and count your blessings and put yourself out there and hope for the best, treat people the way you want to be treated, and see if you are one of the lucky few where you aren't reduced to a piece of meat, a wallet and a sperm bank. Good luck OP.
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 41
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 4:06:17 PM

women only want hunks


maybe the ones you meet...

and you aren't reading the profiles of middle-aged men with the age range for contact set at 21 to 35 and stating that one MUST meet height and weight limits that could only be met by catwalk models. as i've been doing for years...
 GuelphBossman
Joined: 6/5/2011
Msg: 42
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/17/2012 10:37:58 AM
Wow! So many different takes on this issue.

I think generalizations hurt this issue more than anything. Most women do this. Most men do this. A certain age range does this. Et cetera.

Everyone is an individual. I don't set limits to who I could meet because I might miss out on someone who is awesome that I have a good time with. Yes, looks are important. I won't deny that. But there has to be other factors involved. The fact that the OP considers himself a 3 but will only look at women who are at least a 7 (in his books) is a bad start. I don't consider many women on this site to be under a 5 to be perfectly honest with you. However, if you factor in personality, some drop to a -1000.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to meet women who are insanely attractive. The kind of women that most men ogle and stare at. But at the same time, there's more to women than looks (cliche I know). But some of the most fun times I've had were with women who were still good looking but could be considered a 4 or a 5 by a lot of men.

So to the OP, I don't know what else to say but start chatting with many different types of women, just to broaden your range. You might find out you find some awesome people that you wouldn't normally look at.

Looking back at the rest of my post, I realize it wasn't exactly structured and looks and feels like a rant. I will disassemble my soapbox now.....
 MyHandsHurt
Joined: 4/9/2012
Msg: 43
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/17/2012 2:43:16 PM
Dude, you're 5'11".... so your height is not a real problem. I don't get it.

Also, you're only 22. This is the time for you to mess around and be stupid (just use a condom.) You are too young to settle down with something serious. Finish school because you need time to mature as well. In 8 years, you will be a different person. Hopefully, your compas, for what you truly desire in a woman, will have matured. Did you even think about of the type of women you want to date? Just from the information you have given, they sound shallow and immature (like you...for now.) Now is just not your time.

Now it's time for me to be shallow: STOP with the drive-thru's and get yourself to the gym 4-5 times a week. All the time for you to be dating should be spent on your health and the looks that come with good health. I sense that you're on a bad trajectory. Aspire and become a solid 7.
 StillwellR
Joined: 6/24/2012
Msg: 44
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/17/2012 5:53:13 PM
I honestly have no interest in that lifestyle.. I know it may seem strange coming from a 22 year old, but I've never been into the party/bar scene and sex is not a major motivator for me seeking a relationship. I guess my total lack of experience will suck for "her" when I finally find someone but if they are the person I'm looking for that shouldn't be a big deal for them anyway.

I will agree that I should focus more on a my weight/health. I'm probably about 70-80 pounds overweight and it effects my self-esteem majorly, I've just had severe issues in the willpower department.
 wth7
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 45
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/17/2012 10:04:44 PM
You are only 22? Do not apologize for what you find attractive. Your tastes may change as you get older (appearance) but you will also find that what makes someone interesting to you also changes.
 foxonatrain
Joined: 6/9/2010
Msg: 46
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/17/2012 10:32:06 PM

I honestly have no interest in that lifestyle.. I know it may seem strange coming from a 22 year old, but I've never been into the party/bar scene and sex is not a major motivator for me seeking a relationship. I guess my total lack of experience will suck for "her" when I finally find someone but if they are the person I'm looking for that shouldn't be a big deal for them anyway.


It's not strange at all. Different people want different things. Some people want a companion as opposed to just a hot piece of... you know. I will say that you should get some experience with going on dates though. Even if they're not going to lead to anything just for the sake of experience.


I will agree that I should focus more on a my weight/health. I'm probably about 70-80 pounds overweight and it effects my self-esteem majorly, I've just had severe issues in the willpower department.


There's no excuse for not at least trying. I'm also well over my ideal weight and a couple of months ago I started going hiking every weekend at a hill close to home, about a 5-10 minute drive. I lost about 15 lbs in those couple of months from the hikes along with some healthier eating habits. My weight kind of got plateaued but I'm still going on the hikes and I definitely feel better overall. No reason you can't squeeze in some sort of work out an hour or two every other day.
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 47
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:52:22 AM
i used to be the same way when i was younger. it all depends on what you want from a relationship. if you want the hottest girl you can get to make you look cool to your friends, go with a hottie. if you want a decent girl to have an actual meaningful relationship with, try to look for personality and morals first. besides, a lot of the time those really hot chicks are much more trouble than theyre worth.
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 48
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:48:33 AM

meeting people in the real world will always be a better experience -
and you can gauge the compatibility of each other a lot better.


People also tend to not completely ignore your existence in the real world... There, you actually get the chance to tell the other person what you have to say
 bamasteve88
Joined: 6/17/2012
Msg: 49
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 10/8/2013 7:07:20 PM
Very true. I was in a 6 yr relationship that ended two years ago(I was 23). I drank myself stupid for two weeks but decided to get back in shape. I lost 40 lbs and I'm still hitting the gym 4-5 times a week. Stop the drive thru's, clean your diet, hit the gym and start having fun. Just don't break anyone's heart and you'll be good. Also, when you're ready to find the one, be the guy that you would envision her with and you'll get her. Good luck
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 50
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 10/9/2013 8:03:32 PM

I agree women are far more accepting. I cant tell you how many profiles I read saying dont contact me unless you are a size 0 or 2. Its why I hate online dating. Everyone is completely unrealistic


In general, women can be just as picky about looks. Many women won't date a man if he is under a certain height.
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