Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How to be less shallow?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 51
view profile
History
How to be less shallow?Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
@StillwellR

Some of what you describe is shallowness, however, I think it is important for there to be physical attraction between a man and a woman, if there is going to be anything more than just friendship. Just MHO.
 KratosSpawn
Joined: 10/24/2010
Msg: 52
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 10/11/2013 11:20:40 AM
While a woman's looks should not be the end all be all, I am a man and by nature I will first want to speak to a woman who appeals to me physically.

Once I speak to a good looking woman and their is mutual interest then I will begin looking to see just what she is about and how cooperative she is capable of being with me. I start seeking for tangibles from her because i know what I can bring to her life and I want her to be icing to my cake....not a necessary ingredient, just something that will make me greater.

That is the one thing I seek overall: What can you bring to building a serious relationship besides your looks and sexual favors? I know I can offer a lot beyond those two things. Can You?
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 53
view profile
History
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 10/15/2013 11:34:10 PM

I wish I could have the curse from Shallow Hal put on me! lol

Okay, this forum title is a question I think about a lot. So far in my life I've been very guilty of putting too much into the looks of women. I've talked to girls who would have probably been a perfect match for me but I just had no physical attraction to them. It's made even worse by the fact that I'm not really that great looking myself. I mean, I feel like I'm being a huge hypocrite but at the same time I'm not sure how I could date someone I'm not attracted to. I know that in the long run personality means so much more than physical attraction but I'm having quite a bit of difficulty with it.

I greatly appreciate feedback, thank you!


It's normal. I'll cut to the chase. Humans survived because males are able to look at a woman and feel attraction based on visual cues. There are other cues but the visual ones can be fairly strong. It's nothing you should be ashamed about. You can compensate by not being a visual stunner through personality, style, lifestyle (social circles, activities), and things like that.
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 54
view profile
History
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/26/2013 4:26:18 PM
I am being stupid here heheheheh
How to be more shallow. Specifications that us shallow Als want, and other unreasonable stuff...it is unreasonable I do not care:

1. I only date queen bees, no loser follower chicks.
2. Send me picks of your rear/thighs, should not detect cellulite.
3. If you are over 30 you are too old, work on your doctorate, do not bother with me.
4. You must be a size zero if 4ft9in to 5 ft 5in, up to size 2 if up to 5ft 7 in, if above 6ft size 6 is acceptable
5. Big to giant boobs (size D and above), good for playtime, not for long term, will hang to the knees with old age .
6. Small to medium size boobs for keepers.
7. Must love to cook and clean, wash my dirty underwear by hand a must, keeps you in your place
8. Must allow me to go out to strip clubs with the guys, you do not go out just prepair for my presence.
9. Must be pleasant and not argue no matter how Homer Simpson I am .
10, Must be made up for me at all times.
11. If you only want big ones that means you have a giant worn out one, I cannot date you anyhow, my one incher will not suffice.
12. You should make less than I do, it is a rule so you can feel you are dating above your class.
13. You should always mention in front of your friends that i am your king and god.
14. what else guys ?
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 55
view profile
History
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/26/2013 5:05:17 PM
OP, I take it you are a male of the species homo-sapien? That said, you are WIRED to be attracted to healthy looking females (hopefully of the same species). That's not shallow, it's instinct. Shallow is when you desire looks to the EXCLUSION of everything else. Now if you want a woman who is intelligent, has similar political philosophies, similar religious beliefs, with a good attitude and personality who ALSO happens to be attractive sexually, then you're not shallow.

Things like racism, heightism are shallow. Where a person won't give a member of the opposite sex a second look because they have a certain skin color, national origin or have too many or too few numbers on a ruler from the bottom of their feet to the top of their head, then they are shallow. When these and other features are raised to such a ridiculous importance that they preclude everything else, that is shallow.

So, if you believe you are shallow, try not excluding everything else because of a few relatively insignificant features. As long as you're not completely turned off by a woman, give a second look.
 Staygold-92
Joined: 4/12/2013
Msg: 56
view profile
History
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/26/2013 6:41:30 PM
If you want to less shallow then all you have to do is head towards the deep end. Problem solved..
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 57
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/26/2013 7:00:44 PM
To Opp : It is all about instant chemistry now , the pond can not get any shallower .
 rosewood_girl
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 58
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/26/2013 8:06:35 PM
Take time to get to know someone. Don't just push them aside cause you want a beautiful girl. Talk to them, visit them. They might have a chance to grow on you. But if not, then it is what it is. You are just not attracted to them. I disagree with the whole instant chemistry notion. I can give a few examples of certain men I was not attracted to until later on.
 rosewood_girl
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 59
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/26/2013 8:10:10 PM

Things like racism, heightism are shallow. Where a person won't give a member of the opposite sex a second look because they have a certain skin color, national origin or have too many or too few numbers on a ruler from the bottom of their feet to the top of their head, then they are shallow. When these and other features are raised to such a ridiculous importance that they preclude everything else, that is shallow.


What a lod of bull. People are allowed to find whatever they like and desire to be attractive. Including race and height.
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 60
view profile
History
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/27/2013 7:09:41 AM
Too fat to be nice too, too black, hispanic, asian etc to be nice too, too short to be nice too, too flat chested to be nice too, etc..... let alone to love. Hehehehe

With money all people look wonbderfully beautiful, the decrepid old man is super handsome and the fatty looks like a 10 . I want to be rich so I could look super handsome, money overlooks all. hehehehehe

Money overcomes the shallowness hehehehe
 DomLS1
Joined: 12/18/2009
Msg: 61
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/27/2013 11:53:29 AM
You have to understand something.... we are only human... following human impulses. Thing's don't work like they do in the movies (Except for my example below.) The perfect 10 girl doesn't fall for the dorky not so great looking guy next door. The perfect 10 guy doesn't fall for the overweight sweetheart who wears her heart on her sleeve. Attraction can mean many things (Physical, mental, emotional) but actual ATTRACTION from a man to a woman and vice-versa is made from the first point of seeing with the eyes. It doesn't matter how smart she is, how great our personalities match, or the fact that she can quote the same movies/songs you can. That's what we call the friend zone. If you spoke to someone on the phone, having never met them, and listening to them talk you can tell immediately if you can get along with them, how much you have in common, etc but what's the first thing you would think of after running through all this? The ever famous "I wonder what they look like??" If you're not attracted to someone by their looks, then physical attraction is nonexistent and you are basically nothing more than friends. It's not wrong to feel the way you are feeling, and it's not wrong to be picky. We like what we like and that's how it works. "In the long run personality means so much more...." You're right, in the LONG run. When you're say over 40 years old and ready to settle down. This is why most girls between 18-35 go for the "Bad boys" or the "Really hot guy." When they are young, they want to spread their wings and be as adventurous and spontaneous as possible. When they are finished with all that (35 and older usually) they will finally settle down with the dorky nice guy whose been finishing last for the last 15 years. A perfect example would be in Forrest Gump. Forrest loves a girl who parties her life away, and after she's ruined her life and body from sex and drugs and gets aids, THEN she's ready to give herself to him. Sorry this rant was so long, but it's something that happens everyday. Physical attraction is an absolute necessity in relationships, even if you are actually being physical.
 blueprint770
Joined: 7/9/2012
Msg: 62
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/27/2013 1:05:15 PM

What a lod of bull. People are allowed to find whatever they like and desire to be attractive. Including race and height.



I usually agree with most of your post but I have to say I disagree with this one.

If you honestly believe you cannot find one single person of a certain race or height attractive then that's just plain ignorant.

I mean I'm not usually attracted to Eskimos or tribal women from South America, Africa etc in general but I wouldn't say there's no way I would find at least one attractive. That would be just plain ignorant which is why they say ignorance is bliss. Most people don't even realize they're being ignorant.
 smithwhitehawk1
Joined: 5/26/2007
Msg: 63
view profile
History
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/27/2013 1:27:22 PM
Rosewood girl:
How can your posts in msg79 & 80 exist in the same universe, and not make you the poster child for double standards
here? You can't have it both ways and not be shallow.
" Don,t just pass them by just cause you want a beautiful girl. Visit them, spend time with them. They might just get a chance to grow on you"
Or Msg 80
" What a load of bull. People are allowed to find whatever they like and desire to be attractive.Including race and height."

Is it not wrong to ask for a chance at something that you are not willing to extend to others?
Hawk
 rosewood_girl
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 64
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/27/2013 2:48:41 PM
It's not a double standard. I said for him to get to know the women that he isn't attracted to physically but mentally. If it doesn't pan out, then he obviously won't ever have an attraction to that person cause of their physical apperance. And thats fine. It's also fine to want to date whatever you find attractive. If a man doesn't want to date a woman cause she is overweight, then she has every right to want to date a man that is 6'3". Attraction is attraction. And there is nothing wrong with dating what you like. It's YOUR life. You only live once.
 aanarchist
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 65
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/27/2013 3:01:43 PM
Both messages were valid so screaming hypocrisy is stupid. Honestly I don't judge much by physical appearances but I'm learning to be more choosey as I've come to understand that certain people tend to look a certain way. For example a guy who lifts for ego will have an imbalanced physique, something I find appalling. Someone very overweight tends to lack discipline, self control and self respect, all being traits I value. Someone who looks like a model tends to be vain as they put way too much focus into appearance, a trait I dislike. I'll never judge someone for who they are but what the subtleties of their appearance is in my opinion a strong indicator of one's overall character. I'll be honest though I'm a total sucker for a pretty face, especially when they have clear eyes.
 traveltrekker
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 66
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/27/2013 3:06:57 PM

If you honestly believe you cannot find one single person of a certain race or height attractive then that's just plain ignorant. I mean I'm not usually attracted to Eskimos or tribal women from South America, Africa etc in general but I wouldn't say there's no way I would find at least one attractive


Indeed.
One viewing of a Miss World or Miss Universe pageant will confirm that physical beauty comes in all colors, shades, and even heights.
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 67
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/27/2013 4:35:53 PM
Ican find many men "attractive" but not be personally attracted to them.

And I can find a particular man to be what might be called "ugly" and yet be passionately attracted to him.

And since some men seem to find me attractive I can only presume things work this way for many people.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 68
view profile
History
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/27/2013 4:56:04 PM
While it's true that we are all wired to like what we like, it's not true that we are all wired to look for the so-called healthiest person to mate with. Otherwise how can you explain all these people married to unhealthy, unattractive people and breeding? It's all the eye of the beholder thing. What you look like does not have much to do with what you are attracted to. Whether it's shallow or not, you are wired the way you are and there's not reason to pick on someone you aren't attracted to, to try and 'fix' yourself. Just go for what you want, and hope you find one that wants you too. You should never date someone in spite of being attracted to them or not. That's just mean to the person you are pretending to want to be with.
 nanshe
Joined: 10/27/2013
Msg: 69
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/27/2013 5:42:29 PM
I understand what you mean but you are not being shallow. All of us have preferences. It can't be help, as I myself have a physical preference, I am attracted to Caucasian men. It's not a choice. The fact that you recognize that physical appearance is not all that matters actually makes you not shallow. I will tell you though that none of your preferences or notions of beauty matters when you find a truly beautiful person. I know this for a fact because when I have met a really beautiful person, my Caucasian preference became irrelevant. The experience inspired me to write this:
---------------------
Just when you thought you know beauty,
And you’re dead set on your own definition,
It has a way of proving you wrong.
When you come face to face with Beauty,
All your definitions become irrelevant.
For Beauty can only be defined by itself.
It has the power to change you and your preferences,
It’s transcendental, comes in different colors and sizes .
----------------------

So don't be discouraged, you will find somebody that you're attracted to and at the same time you will like their personality too. You just have to keep your eyes open. :-)
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 70
view profile
History
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/28/2013 5:08:45 PM

I am guessing you have a problem with your height judging by your profile and it is like the poor man who cries "gold digger!" when a woman prefers a financially successful man. It is called sour grapes.


Of course it's sour grapes. I don't blame people that are frustrated because they can't do anything about their height, yet it limits them. You can do something about your weight or about how much money you make if you're willing to make the effort. You can't will yourself to grow taller.
 rosewood_girl
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 71
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/28/2013 6:50:40 PM
It's not shallow at all. It's a preference. I like tall men. But for the most part, I am only 5'0 even so I'm perfectly fine dating a man that is 5'8, but if I was taller, I probably would want someone about my height. I like a man to be bigger than me, not smaller. I'm sure a shorter man feels the same way when a woman much bigger than him approaches him. But like I said, its all about preference. No matter what, people will have standards. If its physical or personality wise. But even some things that you can change does not guarantee that the same person will change their mind about you. Like I told OP before, try to get to know the person, if it doesn't pan out then the personality will never change his mind about her physical appearance.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 72
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/29/2013 4:37:12 PM
StillwellR- You like what you like as far as looks and if we are honest, so do the rest of us.
What you MIGHT be doing is cutting off ALL chance of seeing past the surface by not taking the time to get to know the person past how they look.
There have been MANY times I wasn't initially attracted to someone physically, but I took the time to get to know them and then found myself attracted to them for ALL of who they were.
It happens.
Don't go into interactions with expectations of a relationship/instant attraction, give the person a chance to show you who they are inside and you will be surprised at the result.
Good luck :)
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 73
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/29/2013 5:31:44 PM
As a fisherman, it's pretty simple. Make sure your wading belt is tightened right up and you wade out just a little farther. Careful though, you can only go so far, and then, well, you'll be swimming.

Something to seriously think about before making such drastic changes on how you pick the women you do.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 74
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/29/2013 7:26:38 PM
Walts- Ok, I am going to ask you for the dummy's guide to Walt speak.
What?!
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 75
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 11/29/2013 8:19:00 PM
Writing1- wow, I can see how you chose your screen name.
I've been on POF for a while now and it's going to take some doing to top this.
You are so wise, you GET it.
You both were blessed and whoever finds you next can count themselves lucky.
I find your honesty refreshing and so moving, you damn near made me cry.
Thank you for reaffirming my faith in men.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How to be less shallow?