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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 23
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
^^^
Sounds like he was married to one and didn't have the smarts to leave.
 TC2u
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 24
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Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/17/2012 6:45:04 PM
I'd never advise someone to help someone else end a marriage. I'd tell her back off, if he gets divorced. That's another drama.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 25
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/17/2012 7:11:19 PM
My advice...
Continue to say nothing. Simply say that there are too many variables, too many unpredictabilities for you to either offer her encouragement or discouragement.
As a personal observation, bodies at rest tend to stay at rest...yada yada yada. I too agree that when it comes down to brass tacks, where the rubber meets the road, when it comes time for looking at the financial ramifications of divorce-the guy is not going to end his current marriage.

It is not my intention for one minute to paint this man as a player or a guy who is intent on having his cake and eating it too!-but it seems to me that temptation would be an incredibly easy thing for both this guy and your cousin to fall into.
Is your cousin actively looking for another husband/SO-or is it just this particular guy? If she doesn't particularly care about getting into a relationship and wants to wait around and see what happens, that's fine.

I do find it interesting that this guy took the trouble to look your cousin up, that he somehow found out that she was widowed,etc. Quite frankly I couldn't tell you whether any of my old flames other than my late DH, are alive, dead, in jail, whatever. None of them have come meechin' to my door with tales of a longlasting but dysfunctional marriage.
Incidentally, is all this narrative coming from the guy himself? Has your cousin got any way to independently research/confirm(or refute) the information he is giving her?
My advice, OP, again, is to avoid voicing an opinion, just tell her you want what's best for her but that you will leave it to the Universe to direct what exactly that is.


A person of integrity finishes one relationship before he starts another.

Very well put!!

Cindy O
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 26
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/17/2012 7:32:55 PM

It does not matter what the dynamics are. A person gets out of their marriage, works on him/herself, and then decides about a new relationship.

It isn't the dynamics of the old relationship that lead someone to cheat, it is lack of courage to do the right thing. I don't condemn people for having affairs, but I do point out (if they ask), that it is wrong and they need to learn to have the courage to confront the problems or leave the marriage, or they will just continue to make the same mistakes.


It may be a lack of courage, it may be lots of things besides that. It may be finances, or something as little as just going with the flow, not wanting to go to the effort to rock the boat. But if she is a total biatch, I would applaud his looking for intimacy beyond the marriage, even if he lacked the courage to get out of the marriage? None of us are perfect, but we all deserve love in our lives.
 J_bird61
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 27
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/17/2012 9:14:22 PM
Sigh.
What your cousin is doing is looking to you for permission. And the fact that she has to ask means that she knows better, really.
I would state to her what I think about whining men, who work 80 - 90 hours a week and turn around and say they have no intimacy.
How can people not see what his actions have melded over the years and then condone the "right" to start an affair, which is basically sneaking around and fabricating lies? Didn't you know that all wives, according to men like this are nasty? Are they anything but?
I'd be much more impressed if he ran his pitiful ass back to his wife to finish what he started. What woman in her right mind wants to have a relationship where she knows her guy is lying on the side and hiding her?
And exactly when did lying become acceptable in our society to the point of posters encouraging it to one another?


Yes we all deserve love but love at the price of one's dignity and character isn't love.
How's your cousin going to feel about herself if this starts? I can almost guarantee you she'll be deep down dissappointed with him and herself. This is not romantic, it's sleazy.
My advise - don't do it.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 28
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/18/2012 4:22:15 AM
I know there are situations like this man's marriage and for whatever reason they find themselves reluctant to get out even though they are miserable.

If she cares about this guy, the best thing she can do is point him to see a divorce attorney or counselor.

And stay distant, but supportive until he's made his decision to leave.
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 29
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:00:46 AM

And exactly when did lying become acceptable in our society to the point of posters encouraging it to one another?


You mean Posters can only give advice on this board if YOU agree with the advice? There wouldn't be much going on here if that were the case.


I would state to her what I think about whining men, who work 80 - 90 hours a week and turn around and say they have no intimacy. How can people not see what his actions have melded over the years and then condone the "right" to start an affair, which is basically sneaking around and fabricating lies? Didn't you know that all wives, according to men like this are nasty? Are they anything but?
I'd be much more impressed if he ran his pitiful ass back to his wife to finish what he started. What woman in her right mind wants to have a relationship where she knows her guy is lying on the side and hiding her?


"whining men . . who work 80-90 hours a week". Boy, I get the feeling you are just another woman who has contempt for men and believe they are there to serve only you. Neither you nor any other poster here knows anything about the husband's marriage and can possibly judge their actions. Some men work hard, 80-90 hours per week because they have no chice given their wives spend money like it is water or their children have decided to attend very expensive colleges. Or maybe they just cannot stand being home while she biatches away and so stay at the office as long as possible.

What woman in her right mind wants to have a "relationship" where her guy is lying. . .? Well that assumes just because two people are married that they have a relationship. That's oftentimes not the case. When a women is in it solely for herself, for what the marriage provides by way of material comforts, but has nothing to give from an emotional or intimate level, or maybe even a sexual level, its not much of a relationship is it? Its a marriage in name only. Not in substance.

This is the thing. As people get older and realize they are in loveless marriages, that their wives/husband's don't care about them, maybe never did, etc., its really easy to say "fu*k it* and to justify an extramarital affair, especially if that affair is with a long lost love from their youth. I am not advocating extramarital affairs here. I think that people SHOULD get divorced if they are not happy. But much easier said than done. Unravelling a lifetime together is probably not the easiest thing in the world to do. Sometimes women drive men into the arms of other women because of the way they treat them, or vice-versa of course. Nobody knows what goes on behind clsoed doors in any marriage so nobody can judge what another person does. All I can say is that if a man finally finds a woman who may actually love him, and he is in his later years, I can fully understand why he might want to take a grasp at some happiness. But yes, if the affair takes off, he needs to come clean with his wife and leave her. Nobody should live a lie. That is wrong.

And NO, I have never had an affair or come close in decades of marriage, but YES, I see lots of what goes wrong in the marriages of people I know. I know how difficult women are on men (and of course the opposite). That is obvious from this very board, from the poster I am replying to. Love trumps everything else as far as I am concerned. Especially in later life when the children are grown and gone.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 30
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:38:23 AM
If you want to screw around/have an affair - end your marriage first. I don't care what's going on in your marriage that makes you unhappy - if you're unhappy you have two choices, work on it or leave. Don't add a third party into the mix. And as for who is the azzhole and who is the biatch - there are two sides to every story.

As an aside, I know a woman in her mid 60's who was contacted by her first love from high school/college. She had been divorced since her late 20's and never remarried, he had just been widowed after a long marriage. He looked her up a couple of years after he had been widowed, he lived on the east coast, she lived on the west coast. They agreed to meet up and lo and behold, they both liked who they had become some 40 odd years later. He has since moved in with her, they are having the time of their life and are happier than two teenagers in love. They have been together for 4 years now and are going strong. Every once in awhile something like this happens and it brings a smile to my face and gives me hope.
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 31
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/18/2012 11:24:14 AM

If you want to screw around/have an affair - end your marriage first. I don't care what's going on in your marriage that makes you unhappy - if you're unhappy you have two choices, work on it or leave


Well, people are not mandated to limit themselves to the choices others select for them. People have the right to make their own choices without being told what to do or what is right or wrong. We are a free society after all. Of course there are two sides to every story. But it doesn't matter in the end, because the only side that really matters is the side of the person who is unhappy with the marriage and decides to seek fulfillment outside the marriage. What we think of that person's actions is totally irrelevant. Its his/her life and his/her call to make.

As for the reconnected lovers. Good for them. Now imagine if they had reconnected twenty years earlier. How much better life could have been for both of them, if only they followed their hearts instead of the dictates and judgments of society.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 32
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:51:43 PM
""What we think of that person's actions is totally irrelevant. Its his/her life and his/her call to make.""

Bingo, we have a winner.

Now lets all get off the forums because what we all think is irrelevant, our opinions me nothing and wtf cares in the first place. I'm so glad some have finally figured it out, now don't you regret posting your opinions regarding all the biatch wives out there that chase their men into the arms of another.
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 33
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:29:03 PM
Welsh, all of our opinions ARE irrelevant. That does not mean we can't have them or express them, and that's what most people do here. Who really cares in the end though what anybody else thinks. I certainly don't. We have to live our lives for us, not anybody else. You asserted the guy had two choices. My point was that his actual choices were not limited by what you thought. But I also recognize that some people come here for advice based on the opinions of others. That's great. BUT THE HUSBAND IS NOT HERE. HE IS NOT SEEKING YOUR ADVICE ON HOW HE SHOULD HANDLE HIS MARRIAGE. Most of the posters here have come down strongly against the husband as being in the wrong. I say HOGWASH. We don't know the dynamics of anything and without knowing the facts, our opinions are worth NOTHING. Still, even if we knew the facts, ITS FOR HIM TO DECIDE, NOT US. It is NOT OP's PLACE to interfere with the cousin or her former flame who has contacted her. IT SHOULD BE HER DECISION ONLY about how to handle the situation.
 ventti
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 34
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:35:18 PM
Shame this husband's wife doesn't have a life-threatening illness so it would make your cousin's sleeping with him ok.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 35
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/18/2012 2:30:29 PM
Oh cool, a new troll. It's not nice to bring up old threads, especially those that were contentious. And really, it's a difference of opinion, just like mentioned above but of course we all think there are only two opinion, the wrong one and ours.

Lesson learned - never meddle in someone else's marriage.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 36
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/18/2012 2:36:41 PM
I'm sorry, it's not my intent to pick on any one poster but I think that within the last page of this thread something interesting has cropped up.
A poster who has in other threads stated that he is married-(and when a married person joins PoF-even just for the forums, it tends to raise some eyebrows, does it not?)-is in this thread supporting "finding intimacy elsewhere" based on a PRESUMPTION that someone's wife is a "total biatch"...
from the OT

Essentially, they love each other but have some significantly different needs when it comes to their marriage. With kids now grown, finances a non issue, and life at 60 getting shorter for both of them, they have begun considering divorce although neither relishes the thought of "starting over" at this st/age of life.


Where in that do the words "total biatch" appear? In fact I re-read the entire OT and I don't find the phrase"total biatch" anywhere in it.

Anyway, after a couple of posters made comments about "lying becoming (so)acceptable that posters are encouraging it one another" a particular poster fired back quickly with 3 posts responding and essentially defending a husband seeking intimacy elswewhere because OF COURSE the marital intimacy issue is the wifes fault somehow or other...

Again, not intending to "crucify" anyone, simply pointing out ONE of the reasons why some PoF members regard married members("here for the forums") with a degree of suspicion. In this particular instance it would be my opinion that there is some "projecting" going on with the posts defending this(allegedly) "unhappily married man" and his attempts to turn a long-lost old flame(who doesn't have a spouse, who may be lonely,may be vulnerable) into a side piece.

Again, my opinion and advice to the OP is to avoid putting her thoughts and opinions into the mix. OP, your cousin is a big girl, and I agree with another poster who suggested that she may be seeking "permission" to participate in something that is a violation of the mans' marriage vows( forsaking all others-remember that part???)
Simply tell your cousin that there are too many variables and unanswered questions,and no way to get impartial answers for some of those questions, so you cannot in good conscience participate in her decisionmaking process.

I hope it all turns out well for her!
Cindy O
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 37
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/18/2012 3:52:30 PM

Shame this husband's wife doesn't have a life-threatening illness so it would make your cousin's sleeping with him ok.


The thread referenced by the above represented some of the most heart-wrenching sharing of collective human suffering many of us have ever seen on this forum ---- or in any other fora. With very few exceptions, its 25 or 30 pages' worth of posts came straight from each writer's heart and soul. In fact, it was so intense and drew such a relatively high number of persons for whom it represented their very first forum posting, that many of us were moved to tears on more than one occasion. Unfortunately, the entire thread was deleted when several posters filed complaints over some of the messages. This happened, however, more because the topic itself focused upon the limits of human endurance while in the throes of caregiving for spouses suffering the ravages of such deadly terminal illnesses as late-stage MS and ALS (aka Lou Gehrigs Disease).

To reference that now deleted thread in such a manner when responding to this new thread is not only irrelevant to the topic but represents cutting sarcasm bordering upon malicious intentions.
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 38
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/18/2012 4:18:19 PM
Lady C4, in my personal situation you would be wrong. But I am well aware of what some people go through in their marriages and I am aware of the power of old flames. I am also aware how most people can not get beyond their own judgmental attitude about how other people are supposed to act in a given situation. Its easy for people to have opinions of how other people should act in a given situation. Far harder to go through what those people are experiencing.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 39
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/18/2012 5:55:43 PM
""Speaking as a guy and observing how nasty and mean some women are, if his wife treats him like dirt, she deserves dirt in return. Sometimes a marriage is irrevocably broken before its official. No guy should have to feel he is chained to a biatch. Carpe diem.""

Is this a reflection of you own "judgmental attitude" regarding the topic, or how about your other posts above referencing some "biatch".

It seems we all have an opinion to the topic at hand - yours in no more valid than anyone elses. And do you not think that ALL of us on here are not aware of what goes on in marriages...all of us have been married, some more than once or twice and have friends/family that are also in marriages. So yup, we all have an opinion on how someone should act within a marriage in any give situation. For some it's a no brainer - they don't agree with cheating for any reason, even if she is a "biatch" or he is an "azzhole". Some are more forgiving. If that means we're "judgmental", so be it. Get over it, no one is going to change their opinion.
 SSC-SAF
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 40
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/18/2012 6:12:27 PM
OP...back to your original question:

Although no doubt it's tough on you, I think you should either continue to say nothing but act as a sounding board for your cousin. What her old flame tells her may very well be true. There are a lot of long-lasting marriages that end in divorce after 25, 30 or more years because the spouses no longer have the desire nor reasons to stay together, and want to pursue their bliss on separate paths before they're too old.

Of course, he also may be filling her ears with complete bullshyt. Only he knows.

I have had friends in similar situations. Some stayed together because they were "expected to" and then resented each other even more because they felt they'd missed their last chance at happiness (and there wasn't always another man or woman involved). Others went for the split - for some, it turned out well, and for others, not so great. And still others decided to stay together and make the best of the rest of their lives together.

The main thing is that whatever your cousin decides to do or not do about this man, she needs to recognize all the possible consequences and weigh each of them with a rational mind as to whether she will be able to handle them, good or bad. This is one of those "be careful what you wish for" situations.
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 41
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/19/2012 1:57:08 PM

So yup, we all have an opinion on how someone should act within a marriage in any give situation. For some it's a no brainer - they don't agree with cheating for any reason, even if she is a "biatch" or he is an "azzhole". Some are more forgiving. If that means we're "judgmental", so be it


Ok, we can agree we all have opinions. My opinion is that happiness is very elusive and people should think long and hard before they allow the opportunity for happiness to slip between their fingers. If that means a loveless marriage is broken apart after X amount of years, well the sooner the better as far as I am concerned. If that means the cousin hooks up with her former flame, well, like I said, Carpe Diem.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 42
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/19/2012 2:09:40 PM
There are a lot of long-lasting marriages that end in divorce after 25, 30 or more years because the spouses no longer have the desire nor reasons to stay together, and want to pursue their bliss on separate paths before they're too old.

Precisely-the 2 people who have lost interest in remaining married, END the marriage. They don't rationalize going out to get a little sex,affection, attention on the side-they dissolve the bond that required them to "forsake all others"
Trust me, I've had plenty of situations where married men were interested in "befriending " me. Some of them I honestly do understand that they are in difficult situations, and I do feel compassion for them...the guy whose wife is suffering a debilitating illness, the guy whose wife regards him as part of the furniture(but divorce would set in motion a domino cascade of upset applecarts)-but when it comes right down to it I cannot bring myself to participate in their offers. And much as I have compassion for men who really are more or less "trapped"-I still think that going outside the marriage for affection would have to be only under the most dire of circumstances. A man whose healthy and functional wife is (in his opinion) "a total biatch" is NOT a "dire circumstance". If the marriage has become sexless( and there is not a medical issue in play), then either that needs to be fixed, lived with, or the marriage needs to end before the couple goes looking for a new sex partner. If it's too much difficulty to end the marriage, then it either needs to be fixed or lived with. IF there is an actual agreement that the husband or wife "gets it somewhere else"-that's one thing. Yes, it's breaking one of the marriage vows,but if that is a mutually agreeable solution, so be it.
But honestly, how many wives REALLY tell their husbands to "go get it somewhere else"???
Oh, and for those who think it's OK to get it someplace else because the wife is "a total biatch" , would theyREALLY be OK with it if their wives decided to "get it someplace else" because the husband was a" total azzhole"?
Cindy O
ETA
Ok, we can agree we all have opinions. My opinion is that happiness is very elusive and people should think long and hard before they allow the opportunity for happiness to slip between their fingers. If that means a loveless marriage is broken apart after X amount of years, well the sooner the better as far as I am concerned. If that means the cousin hooks up with her former flame, well, like I said, Carpe Diem.

Nobody here is arguing that the couple should not DIVORCE, if that is their decision. But what many here are concerned with is that the OPs cousin is being "groomed" to be her old flames' "side dish"-not an honorable and acknowledged Significant Other.
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 43
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/19/2012 2:45:35 PM

But what many here are concerned with is that the OPs cousin is being "groomed" to be her old flames' "side dish"-not an honorable and acknowledged Significant Other.


That's not how I read the situation or understand it. We are not talking about just any old ex boy or girfriend looking for a little on the side, we are talking about "THE ONE", the one true love that got away at an early age because of the immaturity of the lovers. You don't let those opportunities go easily. Whatever is done should be done in baby steps so as not to cause too much disruption in the lives around you. Jumping into a divorce without knowing whether there is any possibility of a complete connection with the old flame would in most cases be foolish.
 Dancing_4_You
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 44
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Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/19/2012 2:48:57 PM
if your cousin is asking you if he will divorce and if i were you, i'd say maybe/maybe not. i would add my opinion that "if" he does and once he moves out, she might then want to entertain seeing him, keeping in mind that the cookie jar just got bigger for him. in meanwhile, she should keep or start dating. my dating life pretty much started in late 50's. many people i know are actually parting ways and keeping friends. i guess they feel they raised their kids, have not had the intimacy for quite some time and want a last chance. if financially sound, many pull it off. yes the kids are shocked, but comforted that they still keep the friendship. in a way i envy them to make a mutual decision, but on the other hand kind of sad.

my guy separated from his wife two years ago. finally, they got their divorce as a team. it was a process and even though i knew they would never go back, it was still difficult for me 'cause i'm kind of a romantic and old fashioned. i never before would date a married or separated man intentionally. he thought the papers were in progress and was clueless about how to proceed, since he did not initiate and wanted to stay with the kids for more time, even though still "adults".

if i knew it would take so long, might not have done it. there is a book on dating a separated man which does list some virtues, such as meeting him before he gets jaded with the single scene! however, i would not recommend it while still married, living together and with no papers in progress. in my case, his wife wanted the divorce. i checked that out thoroughly, but neither was in a hurry with the hassle and expense. even with adult kids, it took time for their adjusting and they still are. i find that also hard as my kids are just happy for me. however, i can never ever be accused of being the "reason" for his leaving.
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 45
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Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/19/2012 2:49:58 PM
foolish? really?
wonder what you would say if your wife said one day... "I just got in touch again with my first true love.... "
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 46
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/19/2012 3:03:00 PM
Guess it would depend on what "in touch meant or led to" and how strong our relationship to begin with. If she was a biatch and didn't love me anyway, and I knew it, I would hope my thoughts would be . . good riddance. If we had a good and happy marriage (which in my case we have), I would guess it would be much more difficult.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 47
Her lst Love Is Halfway Back. Thoughts? Advice?
Posted: 7/20/2012 4:52:23 PM
From the original post....

Essentially, they love each other but have some significantly different needs when it comes to their marriage. With kids now grown, finances a non issue, and life at 60 getting shorter for both of them, they have begun considering divorce although neither relishes the thought of "starting over" at this st/age of life

This is the part...I am having a problem with...
He is making it sound...that him and his wife discussed seperation BUT....neither want to start over!
So ...he is looking for your cousin as a side dish...pretty much is saying he's not leaving his wife...imo.

Seriously....I don't like to see people seperate after years of marriage but can not understand if their both so "unhappy" why would you stay for the conveniences...??
I would hear her.....help her to try to view things from both sides...I may offer my own opinion...but always will say it's your choice. That is unless he is abusing her physically!
From experience people will do pretty much what they want to....anyways!!
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