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 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 191
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?Page 8 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
I'd like to apologize that you took my comment regarding blondes and big boobs to be directed at you. It wasn't meant to, it was a general comment towards what some or many deem a necessary requirement in a woman...blonde, big boobs. The Barbie look. A look I don't find attractive. And no, I'm not in the least bit angry at women or being "rejected". Not angry at all, just didn't like the comment regarding "desirable" as opposed to "available".


If someone isn't desirable to you, their availability is immaterial. I think you somehow internalized what I said as a rejection of you personally, so you felt compelled to quote my posts and put down my hair and bust-size to even the score---then feign an apology.

That's pretty sad actually, but if that's the only way you can feel superior, have at it. My SO finds me very attractive, and in the end, his opinion is the only one that really counts.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 192
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/13/2013 2:13:14 PM
Confident-Realist:
I never implied that. I'm talking about risks. Most people don't like to give negative answers to others that will make them feel hurt. I'm not talking about behavior or even the intricacies of thinking -- just that they Can be hurt about it.


You:
But it's different "pain", and it's a Given, not a Risk. The risk is how upset he'll be, or fear of him possibly over-reacting (which is really low if she's cool about it).


My original point was that when a man approaches a woman, he is not the only one who will assume a risk….not necessarily the “risk” you are talking about, his reaction to her rejection, which I thought you seemed to have said is within her control. I think I see what you’re saying, though.


That's a risk guys take when approaching women they don't know, even in social environments, where some may be there and Not want a guy coming up to them -- and possibly have a look of scorn for being approached as if they're knocking on their window in the supermarket parking lot to say "Hey baby". :)


(Some) women aren’t constantly on the make, like some men seem to be. I have no problem being sociable and polite with men in social environments that I think you mean…and most men I interact with don’t morph into Rico Suave and try to pick me up, also I can divert things if I sense they’re going in a way I don’t want them to.

Just one thing I’d like to point out…..when the guy is taking his risk approaching a woman he doesn’t know, he is imposing a risk on her, as well.

hounddoug:
You only wish most people learned to be responsible for his/her OWN behavior because there is a good chance that his sister was the one who "started it."


I have no idea what that means.


As for the people who have learned from childhood to be responsible, would that not be learned from the behavior of others..?


So you DO think people should accept responsibility for themselves…?

Paderic:
Saying that someone is wrong isn't what I was referring to. I think you know what I mean.


Nope. I’m not as fascinated by your words as you seem to be.

wingmanrides:
there are more available women in the over 50 age range then there are men.


Younger men can be the sensible solution for some women.
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 193
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/13/2013 3:07:07 PM


As for the people who have learned from childhood to be responsible, would that not be learned from the behavior of others..?

So you DO think people should accept responsibility for themselves…?

You do love answering a question with a question and shift the responsibility to the other person to explain themselves again. Best thing to do when you don't have a good answer yourself.

But to answer YOUR question: I have always maintained that people should accept responsiblity for themselves and their behavior. But you are of the opinion that you are not responsible for the behavior of others that are caused by your actions or words. You say I have a "fatalist" attitude, you have "it's not my fault" attitude.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 194
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/13/2013 5:31:03 PM
How the fk do you get "....internalized what I said as a rejection personally..." Out of all that?? See what I mean by "ditsy"? Now that is sad. It ain't all about you cupcake.


Au contraire---you made it all about me when you quoted my post and made disparaging remarks about physical characteristics I happened to possess. It's pretty obvious to anyone that read your posts that in all likelihood, you were rejected by some busty blonde(s) in your past and felt it necessary to take your hostility out on me. Even though my post wasn't directed at you, you chose to take it personally.


What you keep missing is that you said there are fewer desirable men in this age group.


It's YOU that keeps missing what was said. Women tend to outlive men on average. That means there are fewer men than women in my age group. Out of those, the most desirable men tend to attract (and be attracted to) younger women, therefore, that leaves even fewer men available for women over 50---desirable or not.


I merely pointed out that it goes for both genders.


Equally? No, it does not. While there are some women 50+ that seek out younger partners and are still able to attract them for long-term relationships, this is much less common than it is with men.


When you changed your wording to available men, I agreed with you. Nothing here to feel superior about.


It's not my fault that you lack reading comprehension skills---I was attempting to explain it to you in terms you could understand, but obviously it was a waste of my time.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 195
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/14/2013 5:28:30 AM
Nope. I’m not as fascinated by your words as you seem to be.


I'm fascinated by words regardless of their source, which is why I questioned if anything was behind the words you tend to choose. The response has been pretty predictable.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 196
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/14/2013 2:12:12 PM

You do love answering a question with a question and shift the responsibility to the other person to explain themselves again. Best thing to do when you don't have a good answer yourself.


I’m just trying to clarify what you mean. If you don’t want to explain, that’s fine.


I have always maintained that people should accept responsiblity for themselves and their behavior. But you are of the opinion that you are not responsible for the behavior of others that are caused by your actions or words.


That’s right; I’m not.

If someone blames something I said or did for his bad behavior, how is *he* accepting responsibility for himself? That makes no sense.


You say I have a "fatalist" attitude, you have "it's not my fault" attitude.


No I don’t. I have no problem accepting responsibility for my behavior. However I’m not accepting responsibility for others’ behavior, simply because they blame me for causing them to behave badly. That might work if you’re going for an insanity defense….I think it was Son of Sam who claimed a dog told him to kill, but he still went to prison….not the dog.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 197
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/14/2013 9:40:37 PM
You merely mentioned "desirable", in your later post you mentioned health, fitness and financial. I took desirable to mean "attractive" in looks only as nowhere in that other post did you mention that.


So? According to the dictionary, "desirable" means:

1. Worth having or seeking, as by being useful, advantageous, or pleasing: a desirable job in the film industry; a home computer with many desirable features.

2. Worth doing or achieving; advisable: a desirable reform; a desirable outcome.

3. Arousing desire, especially sexual desire.

No place in the dictionary does it say that "desirable" means "attractive". If you take "desirable" to mean "attractive" in looks only, that really says more about you than it does me.

Moreover, there was no need for me to have to clarify what I meant by "desirable", since even the average Jr. high school student should know the meaning of the word.


Again, it's not all about you...blondes and boobs are a dime a dozen and nothing special, just a generalization.


Ditto for out-of-shape men that smoke and have no pics. I'm sure the busty blondes out there aren't any more impressed with you than you are with them, so you can relax. Light up a cigarette and have another cookie.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 198
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/16/2013 6:44:08 AM

That's quite funny coming from an old-ish woman who can only manage to bag an older guy. What's the matter, the guys your own age and younger keep turning you down? I see a lot of "there, there young lady, here's my credit card, go shopping and make yourself feel better".


You're 55 to my 54, so if I'm old-ish, what does that make you? No worries---at 64, he has you beat in all areas. Most men asked me for a date, actually---I've only asked out three men, and none of them turned me down.


You are quite harsh on those that freely admit that they misunderstood your intent.


You got your panties in a wad over a totally innocuous post and launched a personal attack without first getting all the facts. Don't do that.


And there are just as many men out there that have the odd cigar and eat cookies as there are those with bleached blonde hair and a push-up bra.We're all a dime a dozen.


You guys are only worth a dime a dozen? I've never met a man with bleached blonde hair who wore a push-up bra. I don't happen to own one myself, but I imagine it must be very uncomfortable for you.


So I guess the thing to do is adapt or find what you're looking for...I'll wait and find what I'm looking for.


You'll be in for a very long wait, no doubt. Most women don't find traits such as obtuseness and nastiness to be desirable in a mate. Hopefully, there will be a cure for cancer before it's too late. In the meantime, relax, put your feet up, and have another cigar... but try not to inhale.
 Doremi_Fasolatido
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 199
view profile
History
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/16/2013 7:41:15 AM
Many of us guys are just a quivering ball of insecurities afraid to get our fragile egos hurt. First we need to wrestle with, and defeat the sting of rejection and the accompanying feeling of "not good enough" that rejection brings.

Sometimes though, there are women whose magnetic attraction overrides our fear of rejection. During these times, we screw up our courage and ask such women out for a drink. Or dinner or maybe some ice cream. Many of us men say "Damn the ego, I'm asking her out and who gives a toot if she says no". Of course, we would like a positive response to our invitations. Who wants to have ice cream alone?

OP, if you've been messaging these fellows for a while and they have'nt asked you out perhaps they're living their lives through their computers. Or, they may be already involved in a relationship. Why don't you ask them why they have'nt asked to meet you in real life? It would'nt be asking them out,nor would it be emasculatory, and maybe you'd get an answer for this perplexing problem.
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 200
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/16/2013 2:08:32 PM
This is my general method for online dating.

1. Exchange about 3-5 emails each way.
2. Optional. 1-2 phone calls.
3. Set up a date / meeting.

I would like to go out relatively early. Yes some women will think a man is being too eager or overaggressive. However if a man waits longer, then some other women will think that he is shy or not that interested in her. Either way, it's a calculated risk.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 201
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/20/2013 7:31:38 PM
I agree with message #217.
If I am messaging a guy back/forth and I cannot tell how it's going to proceed, sometimes, my next message is
What do we do now? or Where do we go from here?
That prompt usually gets a positive response toward exchanging phone #'s, etc... :)
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 202
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/21/2013 8:51:24 AM
My original point was that when a man approaches a woman, he is not the only one who will assume a risk….not necessarily the “risk” you are talking about, his reaction to her rejection, which I thought you seemed to have said is within her control. I think I see what you’re saying, though.

Yeah -- it's very different. But it's not so much a "risk" for a girl to take. She's put squarely in a situation she can't avoid, if the guy steps forward to ask her out. A risk implies something you're choosing to take. She can't choose to avoid it. It just happened, it's now presented to her. The risk for her is choosing to say A vs B in rejecting the offer, IF she is to reject it. It's a different animal, is all. Not comfortable, no, but not a difficult risk assessment. It's going to be uncomfortable no matter what if she's going to reject him, so that in and of itself is not a risk. Her risk is upsetting him minimally vs maximally.

The guy has that TYPE of risk too, in choosing in HOW he says it. But he has an extra layer of risk which takes all the limelight from both of their other "risks" in choosing what to say: His choice to ask her out and to face rejection.

In a nutshell, the person asking the other out has the ONLY risk of rejection, while the other does not. The other is just put in position to risk saying something that would offend them more-than-normal, in response (which, although not comfortable, is a much more simple endeavor that most people would rather be in).
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 203
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/21/2013 10:58:28 AM
My experience, if the man is confident, he will ask within a week of first contact. If he just wants to bat me around like a cat does to a mouse, he will pop in and out of my inbox whenever. I don't take these messages/his interest, seriously.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 204
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/21/2013 3:04:03 PM

The guy has that TYPE of risk too, in choosing in HOW he says it. But he has an extra layer of risk which takes all the limelight from both of their other "risks" in choosing what to say: His choice to ask her out and to face rejection.


This literally made my head spin. I think it’s somewhere orbiting Pluto right now. :)


In a nutshell, the person asking the other out has the ONLY risk of rejection, while the other does not. The other is just put in position to risk saying something that would offend them more-than-normal, in response (which, although not comfortable, is a much more simple endeavor that most people would rather be in).


You don’t think being forced into a situation is at all risky? Personally I don’t appreciate being forced to interact with strange men. His “risk” is being rejected; he can choose not to risk it….she cannot, you’re right. She has no choice. He knows how he will react if she rejects him; she doesn’t. You know some men won’t take “no thanks” for an answer. Some see it as a challenge. Some see it as a game. His “risk” is not hers…maybe not…..but I can think of lots of other negative words for it.

Also you’re not considering that she might say yes and ACCEPT his date offer…and this is where her many, many risks are just beginning.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 205
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/21/2013 3:31:47 PM

As for men taking a long time to ask someone out...it's like wondering why some women won't go out on a Saturday unless you ask them by Wednesday. These little rule things are silly. The same applies for women who think it's not proper to ask out a man. Just ask.



How is that a rule? Isn't it common sense? If a guy doesn't ask her out by Wednesday the odds are she will have plans when he finally gets around to asking her. And the ones who ask ON Saturday? Will not only get a no for the day, but more often than not a permanent no.

Not a rule; it seems incredibly common sense to me anyways. And if it's the woman asking the guy, same thing applies. Spontaneous on a weeknight for a quick coffee is one thing, but if asking for a weekend date, that you just don't do spontaneously. People need notice and to assume the person has a life.

In spite of what many people think in forums, being online does not equate with having no life and no social circle.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 207
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/23/2013 6:26:14 AM
How is that a rule? Isn't it common sense? If a guy doesn't ask her out by Wednesday the odds are she will have plans when he finally gets around to asking her. And the ones who ask ON Saturday? Will not only get a no for the day, but more often than not a permanent no.

Not a rule; it seems incredibly common sense to me anyways. And if it's the woman asking the guy, same thing applies. Spontaneous on a weeknight for a quick coffee is one thing, but if asking for a weekend date, that you just don't do spontaneously. People need notice and to assume the person has a life.


Agreed. However, there was a best-selling dating book for women called "The Rules" that came out several years ago, advising women not to accept a date for Saturday if a man hadn't called by Wednesday---even if she had no plans. It became a mainstream "dating bible" of sorts to many women. Personally, I thought the advice in the book was unnecessarily rigid.


In spite of what many people think in forums, being online does not equate with having no life and no social circle.


This is true. Many of us get online via our cell phone apps. We could be anywhere.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 208
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/23/2013 6:47:28 AM

That's odd, it seems the same old faces are on here Friday or Saturday day nights, or both. Rarely would I call someone on a Saturday for a date on Saturday but I just don't see a problem in contacting her on a Thursday or Friday for a date on Saturday.


I have been on here late on a saturday many times after I get home from whatever I'm doing. But I have not been home all evening on a saturday (or a friday for that matter) except for once (last week Saturday on purpose; cramming for playing for a wedding) for years. Whether it's dating, group, friends, weekends go early because that's when people want to get together. Doesn't mean I'm all that; just mean have an active social life. If someone wants my time during a weekend they have to ask by Tuesday latest for me to be available; sometimes earlier than that. Not a rule; just never free after that point. Everyone's different but I can't be THAT different. I can and frequently do spontaneous on weeknights; I actually like them because they break up the workweek and are not the "Typical" out time. But I literally can't accept last minute on weekends.

There is nothing wrong with asking on a Thursday or a Friday; as long as you are cool with the person PROBABLY having plans. If they don't, cool. More power to you. People not accepting because of a silly rule is self defeating, but more often than not it's not because of a silly rule. It's because the person's already been asked to make plans before.

But again, if a person wants to ask someone last minute? More power to them . Some people will be free and it will work out great. Others won't, and it won't so much. But if they aren't free, assuming they are playing some game is silly. Most often than not the simplest solution is the right one. They dont' accept last minute plans because they already HAVE plans. Seems common sense enough to me.
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 209
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/23/2013 7:13:22 AM
Rarely would I call someone on a Saturday for a date on Saturday but I just don't see a problem in contacting her on a Thursday or Friday for a date on Saturday.


Agreed. There have been instances when I talking to a woman on a given day. She told me that she had no plans for that particular day. I had no plans for that day either. So I asked her out and we went out later in the same day. But that is the exception.


If someone wants my time during a weekend they have to ask by Tuesday latest for me to be available; sometimes earlier than that.


Sometimes I will ask someone ( whether it's friends or date ) on Thursday or Friday if they want to go out on Saturday. Because earlier in the week, I wasn't completely sure if I would be available on that Saturday. If that person is not available on Saturday, we can make plans for another day.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 210
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/23/2013 9:49:53 AM
Obviously, you're reading too much into things and jumping to conclusions, as usual. Did I say "checking the POF phone app while out on a date or in the company of friends"? No, I did not.

EDIT: vvvvv I'm sure there are some people that do that, although that was not what I meant by "being online via cell phone apps". I happen to work online as part of my job.
 Iseedudpeople
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 211
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/23/2013 10:05:36 AM

Did I say "checking the POF phone app while out on a date or in the company of friends"? No, I did not.


ie you're not rude but....you have no real life or, as I would put it , couldn't be doing something too interesting if you're checking POF while out.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 212
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/23/2013 10:33:03 AM
^^^^^^^ Who was just complaining about thread derailment in Relationships? What do your comments have to do with this thread topic? The OP is long gone.

OT – Men with guts don’t take long to ask a woman out…don’t wait around for any man, especially one who is obviously not worth it.
 MrRoboto27
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 213
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 11/7/2013 6:33:39 PM
The biggest problem here is that most women on this website are looking for hunks and guys with golden jobs that make lots of money and they just don't want to lower there standard. It just becomes really difficult when all they look at is your photo and judge you immediately based on your looks. If they would actually take the time to get to know you instead of judging you right off the bat then maybe they would find someone to date with on here. Also it goes a very long way just by replying even if you're saying you're not interested it helps a ton.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 214
view profile
History
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 11/10/2013 5:42:04 PM
Women treat me way differently in real life than online. ...like I am not invisible haha..reality is that online it is about presentation because mannerism and how you are animated in real life are hard to project over online currently.

Women online have to accept that yes they have many options, however, they have to be more selective in some areas, but also relax their criteria in other areas as well. It is a balancing act and one that each man and woman must determine on their own through trial and error.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 215
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 11/23/2013 8:29:32 AM


In spite of what many people think in forums, being online does not equate with having no life and no social circle.


(HS) This is true. Many of us get online via our cell phone apps. We could be anywhere.


I often get online while I'm taking #2...
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 216
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 11/24/2013 5:43:52 PM


(HS) This is true. Many of us get online via our cell phone apps. We could be anywhere.


I often get online while I'm taking #2...


I often wondered what those splotches on your photos were. *eye roll*
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