Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 76
Getting more rigid the older you get?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Interesting thread.. and LOL on the one's comment on older uh, "rigidity" :)


I honestly don't know how much of it is age and how much of it is someone reacting to loss of control after a very bad marriage and messy divorce.

But I have noticed a whole whole lot of rigidity in several of the people I have dated long-term where they had felt controlled in a previous relationship; and they felt the need to call every single solitary shot in their going forward.

I am not controlling, but have an aversion to being fully along for every single mile of someone else's ride; while supposedly paying for someone else's issues too. I think both people need voices, both people need a say; both people need to be comfortable, and both people should have the ability to choose; not one person always be told what is going to happen by the dictates of the other.

So I DEFINITELY have seen a lot of people I interact with rigid to the point of straightjacketing. I have so much structure in the things that I can't control that I need flexibility in the things that I can. I find rigidity andone person always needing to be in control to be destructive; and find live and let live and finding common ground and mixing up interests a lot better to bring to the table. They are appreciated very much; I just have not found them returned :)

I honestly don't know if it's age; personality or self-protection.

I do know people don't mean any harm that are that way; they still see themselves victimized by their ex. They don't get that they BECAME their ex, as they are doing exactly what they complained for hours on end that was done to them.

I would be curious if anyone has introspection and realizes that that are unhealthily rigid and actually sought to relax and loosen the reigns a little, for the sake of the positivity of interaction. Structure is good. Control, inability to ever bend and always having to have one's own way even if it's at someone else's expense? Tough way to have a healthy, positive, good for both parties relationship.

so.. after a long dran out answer to the question... here goes:


I guess I am more rigid in my not letting myself constantly being demanded to always being flexible to someone else's rigidity :)
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 77
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 6/16/2013 5:05:52 PM

I honestly don't know if it's age; personality or self-protection.


Yes is the answer.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 78
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 6/16/2013 5:44:18 PM
I was a total Type A when I was younger, but over the past 25 years I've mellowed out a lot. So in that way, I'm much less rigid. I still like to try new things and go to new places, same as always, but now I don't hesitate to say when I don't want to try a certain thing or go somewhere in particular because of personal preference. There aren't many of those "no" items, but they are definite "noes" and I don't do them anymore just to please others if I have no interest. Otherwise I'm probably more flexible than ever...just not so much physically, lol.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 79
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 6/17/2013 8:20:53 AM
I've listened to other folks in my age category go on & on about what they want in a partner (unrealistically high expectations) when the truth is they should be evaluating what they have to offer that mythical person...we need to be able to give as good as we get...perhaps instead of b1tching about bad dates, some people should embark on improving their mind & body!
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 80
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 6/17/2013 4:41:24 PM
^^^Isn't this sort of obvious? (though you are right, many times it isn't apparently)

All of us can't ask for anything that we are not willing to do ourselves for our partner. If it is a take demand only while we live on our high cloud of perfectness, well... wouldn't make any kind of real connecting possible :)

Life is a journey we are always evolving, changing and hopefully growing, even as we sink down roots where stability is. That is where age can be a huge positive rather than the detriment so many people think it is. If we take the experiences, interactions, and life lessons and adapt, grow and change for the better while sinking stable roots in places where things are in a good place rather than becoming embattled and hardened, we can have some amazing new memories and great transitions in a period of time a lot of people consider life past its prime.

When it should be just getting good :)
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 81
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 6/18/2013 6:58:46 AM
"getting more rigid the older you get"....
either because you're being all persnickety......
~OR~
.....because you have the damn thing figured by now and you don't need to waste a lot of time being wishy-washy.
which is it?
sorta depends on your perspective.


I have a gal pal who was really fun in law school, but she won't go to many social events any more because they conflict with her workouts. She won't eat at certain places if they don't serve her kind of food. She won't stay overnight in hotels with us because she has to take care of her dogs. And on and on. So unfortunately the rest of us don't want to go out with her much any more because she's just so rigid and inflexible; it's really a pain to be around her because we always have to accommodate her needs and wants,

see you are calling that rigid, but i could just as easily interpret it in the opposite way. she has her priorities, and health and diet are important, good for her! because when you get a few decades on ya those things become especially relevant. if you don't think *that's* true, just spend 10 minutes in any Wal-Mart or the buffet line at Horn & Horn. most hotels don't accept dogs... not her fault. what is she gonna do put them in a doggy hotel and they come back infested with fleas?? (been there/done that). so you think she is a pain, but she knows what she wants and what's important to her, and she doesn't see any real need to compromise. never the two shall meet?? i don't know. maybe she thinks y'all are rigid because you're unwilling to be more flexible about her current interests. it cuts both ways. you are no longer in law school, of course.... the entire universe has changed since then. when is the last time you tried to pull an all-nighter, btw?? notice anything different about it now?



I'm sure I've gotten more rigid as I've gotten older. Things do have to be put in the same place, or I lose them! (Like my keys.) It's embarrassing. I have even forgotten where I parked my car in the office parking lot, so I park on the same floor and on the same side of the lot each work day. And it's better to just put things in their "right" places in the house than spend a half hour searching for something, giving up and buying a duplicate, THEN finding the dang thing someplace you never expected. (This explains why I have about 1,000 bottles of sunscreen in my bathroom.)

yeah sometimes i forget where i put my glasses but they were on the top of my head. except one time i found them on the bumper of my truck.... WTF. i lost my favorite t-shirt, but i was wearing it inside out. i lost my keys the other day, but they were in my purse the whole time. i had the woman in the store looking everywhere with me for 10 minutes.... i wanted to bang my head against the wall when i found them. she laughed at me!! i usually put my keys in the same place inside the truck, but this time i took them with me..... MISTAKE. these things are to be expected. i find that the automatic stuff i do needs to be not only automatic, but always in the same place or i'm like WHERE THE HELL IS IT?!? i lost my tape measure (always measuring stuff you know), so i went out and bought a new one. put that one down somewhere and lost it, so i bought another one. the upside is now i have 3 tape measures and there's always one laying around here somewhere. WINNING. *snort*.

so i would say i'm more rigid about some stuff, but less rigid about others. i won't seek relationships for their own sake like i would when i was younger. i no longer have any particular view of self based on whether or not there's a man in my life... it could not be more irrelevant. i also won't tolerate annoying behavior for more than 5 minutes ("too rigid"? or do i just know what i want?) ......you're a jerk? ok see ya and by that i mean, don't ever come back again asshole. somebody might see that as rigid, but he is gone and i am happy. *done*.

but even the stuff i'm more rigid about, i think is its own kind of flexibility..... it's called adapting to change. and why not make things easier on yourself i ask you? nobody else is gonna do that for you. other people are only here to complicate things and mess up your hair. let's be real.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 82
view profile
History
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 6/28/2013 7:13:24 PM
Not "rigid"...just know what's best for me, and won't let anyone talk me into doing anything against my best interests.
 mitchozie
Joined: 3/11/2009
Msg: 83
view profile
History
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 7/21/2013 7:24:02 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Wow, that is almost exactly what I was going to say, and I scrolled to the bottom, and blacklady1953 had said it. I think we acquire habits (become rigid), because they are shortcuts that work for us, and make our lives easier. I do some things habitually, but I also maintain an open mind about other things.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 84
view profile
History
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 7/21/2013 11:41:42 AM
The answer would have to be YES !

My personality or demeanor really hasn't changed much, but
With time , I 've become more invested in my career, home and
securities, and this makes me less flexible and limits options

I really hope that when I retire , it opens up new doors
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 85
view profile
History
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 7/22/2013 2:26:28 PM
Yes, but be aware of it. The coffee mugs go on the shelf in that cupboard, etc. I read about this a couple years ago and how women make a nest and then find it a struggle to do a simple thing like reverse where the knives and forks go in the cutlery drawer. It can make males uncomfortable coming into your home as a partner rather than as a guest.

The solution was to toss out half of the stuff accumulated and then rearrange everything remaining. I actually got rid of about 75% of everything I owned. Don't miss any of it and it was quite liberating. I felt like when Ive moved to another state or changed job positions. It reinvents oneself and makes us aware of new things happening around us.
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 86
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 7/22/2013 7:06:43 PM

Not "rigid"...just know what's best for me, and won't let anyone talk me into doing anything against my best interests.


Yet you would think, that it being of ones best interest, that it would be respected both ways, as one gets older or is it something else in way two mature people can not see this clearly,especially now ?


imo, if he or she who thinks control is first then there will be never another sharing their life together as one.
And being rigid would be fair to say more like a concrete wall where neither one can not breath together in only ones set ways...... yuk


Don't miss any of it and it was quite liberating. I felt like when Ive moved to another state or changed job positions. It reinvents oneself and makes us aware of new things happening around us.


And naturally those who possess the same core values it makes being rigid a little less so without the same old same other stuff we all tend to hang on,till we wake up & 786 all that other useless crap. lol

And whats nice to enjoying and reinventing one self,experiencing life as with another or dare I say using us if your in a relationship, is less then rigid as many think it might be. Without the blanks stuff of the past......

I am in a relationship & respect & cherish our values but more importantly we let each other live our own identities too. So for those who are so rigid and controlling, methink a partnership would be the last thing ones mind for now or later as the dice have been set so far.

Common ground, common sense in a common life growing together. And if you can't do that then, it will only be little old me,me,me......complaining it over and over why they don't get it or can't.
We may be grown up,but we still need to grow regardless,positively. jmo
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 87
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 7/23/2013 6:12:20 PM

Message: Not to gross anyone out or nothin' but I'm getting kind of squishier as I age


Nothing gross about that all. As imo once you hit 45 or so, you like the 90% or more of those who been there, and done that,they all would say the same thing.

So getting rigid cuz you been in to many of past hopes and dreams that went south, why would you want to put your yourself in that position again. Cuz now when your much older and wiser ?
 HoleySmokes
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 88
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 8/2/2013 8:17:35 PM
BlondeAngel845 put it right:

[/I admit...I feel like I used to revolve my schedule & likes around others, now it's my turn to be a little selfish! If you met the right person, there would be incentive for compromise.]

I'm having so much more fun these days, now that I'm starting to do the things that I want to do!
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 89
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 8/3/2013 5:23:48 AM
[QUOTE]I have a gal pal who was really fun in law school, but she won't go to many social events any more because they conflict with her workouts. She won't eat at certain places if they don't serve her kind of food. She won't stay overnight in hotels with us because she has to take care of her dogs. And on and on. So unfortunately the rest of us don't want to go out with her much any more because she's just so rigid and inflexible; it's really a pain to be around her because we always have to accommodate her needs and wants,[/QUOTE]

OP, it was fun in law school because you both were in the same place in your lives not because of lack of rigidity. The fact of the matter is you can't do all the work in your relationships. If that person isn't putting in the time to see you, on neutral terms, you might need to let that go. On the other hand, if that person is making time to see you by having you over or just out for a quick lunch, don't be upset that you don't get the big trips because she's making an effort.

We can be rigid in what we like to do such as staying a particular hotels or eat certain food, what changes is what we have in common. You're not going to be in sync on everything.

Has this person gotten into yoga?
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 90
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 8/3/2013 6:14:16 AM
There is no doubt we get more rigid in our thinking the older we get. When we are young one tries many things to discover life. Some work, many things don't work.

The term rigid is generally thought to be negative, while knowing yourself and what works is positive way to say the same thing.

When we gain a lot of experience, we then know what works for us. But older people don't know everything, they aren't wiser than younger people by virtue of living longer. It's a mistake to think we know what works for other people.

Many people are so shaped by having lived through the great depression, the Vietnam war, the technology revolution or the easy money days of last decade that they never are able to adapt to how society changes.

Being more rigid can be a good thing or a bad thing.

It's good when we remain open to trying new experiences but knowing what doesn't work for us and not wanting to repeat what we know does not work.

It's a bad thing when we don't want to try a new experience because it's strange and unfamiliar to us.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 91
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 8/3/2013 10:16:11 AM
^^ I actually think whatever core essence we possess is what we get more of the older we get.

If we are rigid, we get more so. If we are relaxed, we get more so.. If we are happy, we get more so. If we are cantankerous, we get more so. Bitter and angry? Way more so.

Compassionate? More so.

As we age, the traits that make up who we are season... unless we actively try and change our essence and rediscover ho we are and tweak it slightly; so our perspective opens and changes. What would be perfect is seasoned growth... the parts that make us happy and healthy we keep thriving in, and those parts that keep us unhappy, resentful or distrustful, we learn to deal with so that we have open tempered healthy optimism.

Then we can be rigidly available to contentment
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 92
view profile
History
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 8/3/2013 11:44:18 AM
well I had crippling shyness when I was younger, so over the last 25 years I've made an extra effort to be more social so I've had to be more flexible and step out of my comfort zone. I'm rigid about some things such as career, continuing education,future goals, financial security, but sometimes I just want to be a big kid so I still go to waterparks and ride rollercoasters also I get bored living in on place for too long, this time I moved across the country, there is so much to explore around the island and I'm having a blast. So I guess I'm a little bit of both depending on the situation.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 93
view profile
History
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 8/4/2013 1:14:30 PM
I don't know if I am rigid, I guessed I am just tired ........I don't want to use my energy on unnecessary matters, like going out with a friend that you accommodate her needs and wants. I used to be a good Samaritan, driving friends and taking them to breakfast/ lunch/dinner in a restaurant , wow! I learned that they are high roller when it comes to poker slot machine, and not their necessities.

I forgot where I park my car too, or thinking did I lock my door or forget to turn off the stove for boiling water for my coffee ? I take time to memorize the scenery where I park my car, and say it aloud to myself that I turn off the stove and lock the door to retained what I did.
When I have a panic attack of "forget things" I can jog my memory.
 reallylucid
Joined: 5/27/2013
Msg: 94
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 8/4/2013 3:59:41 PM
I just thought I was getting stiff. Rigid, eh?

Nope...not rigid at all. I'm fairly open, but want to do what I want to do whether with a group or along. I like changing my mind at the last minute and drop what I'm doing to go to the grocery store instead of the beach. :-)
 Iredurbio2
Joined: 4/18/2013
Msg: 95
view profile
History
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 8/6/2013 10:34:48 PM
Heavens no!There is too much going on!I still care what others think.That's the best indicator whether or not
to keep in touch.The rigid are in or slowly headed for "day after day I wake up knowing that I have nothing to be happy about!" or I don't like nothing and I don't like you!
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 96
view profile
History
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 8/11/2013 12:44:30 PM
not so sure I am rigid so much as I do what I want, and make time for family and friends,,,
I squeeze naps in there, got to have naps.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 97
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 12/12/2013 1:37:02 PM
Not sure if I'm rigid per se, but I'm wiser and quicker to spot behaviors that are dysfunctional (i.e. bad temper, no patience, anger, laziness, etc.).

I've been in enough long term relationships to know what doesn't work for me. You know, that feeling 'Ahh, I've seen this crap before!'
 Cat*Eyes
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 98
view profile
History
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 12/12/2013 4:42:41 PM
As a person matures, they should learn from their past mistakes made when they were younger. Such things as reconizing people with mental problems sooner before getting involved, learning what really appeals to you and what does not, (I always knew this) what things you like and do not like etc. ( I have always knew this too) Then state these preferences and things you do like and do not like in your profile to avoid past mistakes. Alot of people consider my profile likes and dislikes as too rigid. I can not help what appeals to me, or what what I like and do not like etc. I may seem rigid, but I have learned and state my likes and dislikes, which is what you should do to weed out the wrong people for you.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 99
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 12/12/2013 6:03:54 PM
^^^^
No little kissies? :)
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 100
Getting more rigid the older you get?
Posted: 12/18/2013 4:09:13 PM
Judi14- Actually, the opposite has happened as I've gotten older. I am still on time with set appointments, but otherwise I'm much more flexible.
I used to stress myself out trying to keep my house clean all the time, if I told someone no, I felt guilty, I had a lot of lists, lists for the store, to do lists, God forbid we ran out of anything, I got really stressed.
It got to the point I stayed awake at night worrying and thinking about what I had to do the next day.
Over time, I had a lot of family and friends pass away.
As I thought about why I missed them, I thought about the things we had done together, the time and love we shared, losing so many people caused an awakening in me.
I started to realize that If I had no more tomorrows, what would matter to those I left behind?
No one would care if I kept the cleanest house, or kept the fridge stocked, or If I said yes when I really meant no.
They would remember the things we did together, the laughter and love we shared.
The greatest thing I ever did for myself was to chill out and realize what really matters in life.
We come into this world with nothing and will leave it with exactly that.
I want to leave a memory of someone who valued love and happiness, friendship and giving, these are the things that last, long after we are gone.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  >