Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Six Months Later      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 37
Six Months Later Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

I did leave out the day she walked was the same day I just got home from a five day vacation with a few college friends. It was the first vacation that I have gone on with out her since we started dating. When I was on the vacation we talked everyday and she even expressed how much she missed and couldn't wait for me to get back home. Even asking me to change my flight to come home a day early. So our plain landed at 5am and i got a call from her telling me she hoped I was home before she went to work so she could see me. Well we hit some rush hour traffic and I didn't make it home in time before she left for work. So she calls me on her lunch break telling me we needed to talk. She comes home and BAM!


Ok, wanna elaborate on the vacation? Was she invited? Who did you go with? Was it single guys who party? Guys and gals? What were her feelings about you going?

Well waiting out your little vacation was the last straw obviously. There was something about it that crossed her line. What was it?
 LoveMyDog55
Joined: 7/18/2012
Msg: 38
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/23/2012 2:09:59 AM
I would just go with whatever feels right. What do people here on a dating site know anyway ~ if we were such experts would we be here?
 herekittykitty99
Joined: 12/28/2010
Msg: 39
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/23/2012 3:12:41 AM
[ Do people genuinely fall back in love with someone?]
yes.... yes they do.
 notdating-forumsonly
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 40
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/23/2012 5:44:27 AM
You were with her for 9 years and it still sounds like you don't communicate well ( with her).

You should be asking her about this- not us. Perhaps she gave herself 6 months to get over the guy who wouldn't fully

commit ( in her mind perhaps), or communicate well, etc. Wouldn't that be sad if that were the case? Perhaps she

loves you and wanted the ring or something that wasn't in the relationship and saw that after 9 years it wasn't going to

happen. What significance does it have to say that it's been 9 years but 'it' would have been sooner rather than later.

It's been NINE years.


I hear what you say about her, but nothing about you and your responsibilities in the relationship when you discuss it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 41
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/23/2012 7:01:40 AM
You would be a total idiot if you took her back or continued to communicate with her. Respect her initial wishes from 6 months ago to break off all contact and declare the relationship dead. If she does trick you into taking her back, make it it clear from the first minute that she will not get any financial assistance from you. Her bills and expenses are her responsibility. A good idea would be to get it in writing as well as other conditions that you deem is necessary, much like a pre-nup. If she doesn't agree to sign it, tell her to hit the road back to her fantasy kingdom.
 TRESemme
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 42
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/23/2012 7:07:47 AM
message number 2 is CORRECT.

plus she is financially struggling and without her family support so who else would she come running back to? if she gets back on her feet, she will most likely LEAVE you again. remember, she said she does NOT love you anymore. She just said that she made the biggest mistake of her life because the other guy dumped her and she has noone else.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 43
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/23/2012 4:20:40 PM
standontwo- You are hurting or you wouldn't be here.
You have good reason. Nine years in and she breaks up with you the day before Valentines Day? Ouch!
My take on what happened-she found someone else and felt sure enough about the new guy to leave you. She wanted to be with him on valentines day.
Fast forward a few months and now she gets dumped.
She's in a financial jam and alone, so she goes back to her old safety net, you.
You absolutely SHOULD NOT take her back unless you want this to happen again, and I know you don't.
Fool you once, shame on her, fool you twice, shame on you.
Move on and find someone who wants you and only you, it's what you deserve.
 Jusneedu
Joined: 6/12/2012
Msg: 44
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/23/2012 4:26:47 PM
OP, take it for what it's worth as she dumped you for someone else, got dumped and came crawling back begging for forgiveness when all was said and done.
Quickest way to a persons heartstings is to tell them you still care. And looks like what she did here.
Best thing to do is "Just say No thanks", and move right on with your life and not look back, because if you do, she hurt you once, she can do it again.......

But only if YOU let her.....
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 45
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/23/2012 4:36:55 PM
~OP~ You know what? At my age, I've evaluated enough break ups of my own to come to one conclusion: it really doesn't matter how it ended, or when, what matters is how you treated one another while breaking up. If it was hostile, angry, mean, etc., there's likely many reasons why it ended and it was probably dead or dying a slow death for a while. If it ended with you both saying, "I wish things were different, I just can't do this any more." and some other civilities, then it's likely it just ran it's course and it's time for both to move on. Simply up and leaving? There's some real anger going on there and no amount of another man licking her wounds is going to take that anger away. She may think you need counseling, and maybe you do, I don't know. But from where I sit? I'll bet she needs a little her own self. (And it doesn't make a bit of difference if you went on vacation without her. We're adults. We're allowed to have time to ourselves without our spouses! Really, we are. And guess what? It's healthy to do so!!!) All in, I truly believe you're hurting for her and she's probably hurting too, but this isn't a situation that can be band-aided better. I think you're being wise to just leave it as it is but only you can really determine what will work for you. She'll have to pull up her big-girl-panties and live with her decisions (that's what we big girls do when we make a mess of things!) Good luck to ya.
 Indysweetpea2001_
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 46
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/23/2012 5:48:33 PM
9 years is a very long time to just walk away from. There had to be some very good reasons that were brewing for some time. Sounds like no one was communicating though. Its easy to see you care for her. Can you imagine her not being in your life for the next 9 years? I would suggest counseling and see if your issues can be resolved first prior to just letting go of someone you really care deeply for.
 J_bird61
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 47
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/23/2012 6:38:36 PM
Wow, harsh crowd.
Here's what I think. You two were in a long term relationship, long time.
I think our definition of Love is askewed. People expect everyone to be so perfect and if they're not, down comes the axe. It's never, ever black and white where loves is involved. Ever.
You can make yourself think in black and white or do this and not that, but good luck when you actually feel or care for someone, actually care about what they're going through and how they're doing. In our feeble human minds, we each have a definition of what love should look like. It should be this or exactly that, and if it isn't I'm outta here. I think that trying to love is the best way a person can grow, learn forgiveness, tolerance and teamwork.

I personally can tell you love this girl by your still worrying over her. If you had a definition of love, would it not contain worrying about someone and they're welfare? Sure it would. And remind yourself that no matter how much you've been hurt, so has she.
So, what's that mean? It means none of us can tell you what to do. It means you have to search your heart. Is it ok to search your heart some before you decide? Sure. And it probably means that you may feel at some time or another, that no matter which way you choose, you may regret it.
Which do you think you can regret easier? Not being with her, or being with her?
Will being with her ruin your life?
OR
Will not being with her ruin your life?
And both ways are hard. Love is hard, but you can do it and the rewards, from where ever you decide to find it, are so worth it.
Please don't listen to some of these people who suppose this and guess she did that. Some people just can't understand.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 48
view profile
History
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/23/2012 7:35:02 PM
Listen Op. For real. You shouldn't give a DAMN about her financial situation. She chose it, she got it. Tough doo doo for her.

I can tell you still have feelings for her. So if I were in your situation, here's what I would do. I would thoroughly test her intentions. I would be strictly friends for quite some time. No hugging, no hand holding, no kissing, period. And certainly no sex. Strictly friends. And for hell sakes absolutely positively do not give her or borrow her a single dime. If she dares ask for money while just being friends, smile and be gone at the speed of sound. If you do end up having sex with her after a month or so, and she dares ask for money within the week of doing so, smile and be gone at the speed of sound. Let her know she's on probation with you. Lets just wait and see if she still thinks she made a mistake after a few months go by.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 49
view profile
History
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/24/2012 7:44:46 AM

Could it be the fact I never popped the question? Maybe but this was never expressed in fact we had a lot of talks about marriage but we both were not ready. I was planning on doing that whole get on one knee thing before her birthday in April. I made a huge hint at christmas with a pair of 2k earrings and joking about the matching one for her hand.


Ten years together and you 'joked' about it at Christmas after buying really expensive earrings and then booking a vacation for yourself? But you were going to pop the question by April? What are you a trust fund baby?
I would think the joke at Christmas was she gave up on you right then and there.
 Serephena
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 50
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/24/2012 6:45:59 PM
No offense, but she was never truly in live with you or she would have never left. Maybe she felt she loved you-but in love with you? No. Sorry.
 OneUpTwoDown
Joined: 6/4/2012
Msg: 51
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/24/2012 9:09:38 PM
Once again thanks everyone.. I really enjoy reading EVERY ONES thoughts on the situation.
More info on the vacation.. The vacation was a snowboard trip out west and was booked in October. I went with five guys two who are married and the others being single. One of the guys being both are friend from college and the other being my brother. The others I met on the trip two of them are the ones who are married. She was very cool with the idea of me going out west with just the guys so we could explore some of Utah's back country riding. When we go on winter vacations she knows I'm all business and no play straight to the top of the mountain, destroy body, rehab body, sleep, repeat. That's what I call a vacation. Oh and she also couldn't make it because her school only had a three day winter break that year. Like I said first vacation ever with out her in 9yrs. With that said she was on vacation ones a year with her mom with out me and plenty of "girl weekends". Never did I have a problem with as I always felt space was not a bad thing.
For the marriage and what took so long. Early on in the relationship we both felt that we didn't need a ring or a piece of paper to declare our love for each other. Things started to change as we grew a little older and more and more people started asking about the situation. A lot of our college friends started getting married in the last year and i think that might of sparked up the idea more then ever. I think we went to four weddings last year and I was going to propose but I didn't think it was the best time with all the weddings going on. I didn't want it to seem like it was only because it was wedding season or something. So I was going to put it off till her birthday month. What I said before about me making a joke about a ring at Xmas it was more of a hint then a joke .
Update: So she really would like to talk about things and how she handled the whole situation so I agreed and we will be meeting for coffee tomorrow. I want to make it clear that even though i agreed to meet her to talk doesn't mean I'm even thinking about taking her back.
PS. Trust Fund Baby? LoL. I'm a 29yr old college grad with no kids why shouldn't I have money to play around with?
 AxeMurderer75
Joined: 6/6/2012
Msg: 52
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/25/2012 2:18:30 AM
In my opinion, you should get the answers to these questions:

- I'd find out is if she was recently dumped.
- I'd get her explanation of why Feb 13th (was she wanting someone to spend Valentine's Day with?)
- I'd want to know why she got so cold.

I would strongly consider taking her back if and only if you feel that it's your fault that she left.

I have an ugly feeling that this will once again end the way that it did the first time. But I think you are doing the right thing by meeting her. 9 years is 9 years and you obviously still care.
 newonthescene76
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 53
view profile
History
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/25/2012 5:24:38 AM
A lot of people seem to be assuming that she dumped you the day before Valentines so she could be with a new man. Perhaps she dumped you before Valentines so that you wouldn't be spending money on her. She was obviously thinking about ending the relationship and if she didn't dump you before V day and dumped you after, then everyone would be accusing her of staying with you just for the gift or she would feel even more guilty about ending things with you.

I have been in a 9 year relationship where I was the one who broke off the relationship. In my situation, the moment that marriage seemed to be a real possibility, I started reassessing the relationship and really trying to decide on if this was truly the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I decided that no, he really wasn't the one for me, and I broke it off with him. For me, that was the best decision I ever made and I have never looked back. Perhaps this is what your gf did and, unlike me, realized that she had made a mistake and you really are the guy for her.

However, I would be careful about going back to someone that was incapable of standing on their own two feet financially. My fear in that scenario would be that the person would always need to be in a relationship in order to survive, instead of wanting to be in a relationship because of the person.

Just take it slow, see what she has to say, and don't support her financially until you're sure you and her are on the same page relationship-wise. Good luck.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 54
Six Months Later
Posted: 1/22/2013 8:17:17 AM
NM
 AvailableinIndy
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 55
Six Months Later
Posted: 1/22/2013 8:38:22 AM
I post this all the time and just did on another thread...

Taking your ex back is like buying your own stuff back at a garage sale...
 dilinmvox
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 56
Six Months Later
Posted: 1/22/2013 1:42:48 PM
She left you for another man. Same thing happened to me.. It did not work out with him so its back to you.. The sad thing is that if you take her back this will happen again.. Once a cheater always a cheater!
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 57
Six Months Later
Posted: 1/22/2013 2:33:55 PM
dont get back together with her, don;t give her money, or be the rescuer.She knows she can manipulate you and when the moneys gone and will send you to dump-o-ranchero again and again.
 takemetoasgard
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 58
Six Months Later
Posted: 1/22/2013 4:15:07 PM

She felt that we had grown apart over the year and didn't share any of the same interest's. Her examples were comical to say the least.


Not comical. People and feelings change. Totally legit.


Six months later she calls crying on how she made the worst mistake of her life and now she wants me back.


I feel bad for her because she is financially struggling and doesn't have any family support at all.


I also question why she wants me back.


Pretty sure she wants you back for the financial help, man. Nine years is an extremely serious thing to throw away and she had no problem doing it. Let her live with her choices and get on with your life. Taking her back would be like buying back an old car that you sold because it kept breaking down on you; you spend money buying it back, and will spend even more money on it once you have it back because it's still broken.
 domainfullduplex100
Joined: 12/21/2012
Msg: 59
view profile
History
Six Months Later
Posted: 1/22/2013 5:11:50 PM
OP..it is possible she has learned her lesson. Get full disclosure from her on what she has been doing since the day before valentines. You want honesty..basically you want to hear what you already know..or have been told on this site....listen, if you care, then say no to a relationship but no harm being friends. You do not want to be the door mat.
 msright78
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 60
Six Months Later
Posted: 1/22/2013 6:22:08 PM
I'm sorry to hear what ur going through. It's tough when ppl decide to end things out of the blue.

But they may have been circumstances or distant that u overlooked, months leading upto her making up her mind.

Lack of communication between 2 ppl could also be a huge factor.

Either way, my advice to u this. Forget what the reasons are that she wants u back now. U need to move on and let her grieve in her own way. She made that decision to leave U. U didn't!

Ppl don't know what they have until they have lost it and then want it back. She may have realized that dating again with someone new is difficult. The trust factor is hard after u've been with someone for over a certain length of time. That's another reason why ppl want their ex's back. The comfort level.

I have my own principles as well. I don't give 2nd chances. And I broke that.

My ex dumped me last feb because his parents wanted him to marry within their own community. I fought hard for him but he had already made up his mind. I gave him the world. I was nothing like his ex wife. He was the only man I had eyes for and I showered him with so much love that it would have lasted him forever. But unfortunately the love for his parents was greater than his own happiness so he let me go. During the time we were together, we had broken up twice and got back twice. He was the one man, I gave a second chance to cuz we were friends for over 16 years. And little good that do me.

If he came crying back to me NOW, I wouldn't take him back. NEVER. Not because I still don't care about him or perhaps love him, but because he had a girl who gave him nothing but unconditional love and wanted nothing in return except be loved back. And he let that go.

If by 2day he's in a unhealthy relationship it's his own damn fault. Ppl need to learn from their mistakes the hard way. I did.

So wat i'm saying is, stay strong and don't let her in ur life again. Ppl don't deserve second chances.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Six Months Later