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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!      Home login  
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 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 26
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!Page 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Because I was separated for a lengthy time myself, I am more open to another who finds themselves in the same situation.

Everyone is different. Many single or divorced people have "unfinished business" with a previous relationship even though their status seems pretty cut and dried.

Like anything, you don't know until you know.

Anyone that has a minor child will have that ongoing, unfinished business with the other parent. Even after years of divorce, I have found that situation to be one drama after another. Child support, visitation, who gets them when...
 YourLodestone
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 27
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/22/2012 1:57:53 PM
@Kayla: You must have had some past experiences with men lying to you with other motives, (which I did not) however your tone is very aggressive which makes me think you are attacking me more than listening. It's very unattractive. Consistantly you post your OPINION about what you feel or think as to what my motives were. But just incase I am wrong I will give you the answers you seek.



Time after time after time I would have to tell my story and in the end they would leave the encounter feeling that they were misled. After time I just plain stated that I was in a separation status.

First of all POF was not the only site I was on. Many sites do not have "separated" status.

Why did you "have to tell your story"?

If I was asked a question I felt it reasonable to answer it as I had nothing to hide. This lead into more questions, and more answers.

Why did people feel "misled"?

Some people felt mislead because (I think) at the time there was no relationship status for "separated". I did not post on my profile originally that I was. I was new to the dating scene after being married a total of 30 years (do the math).

I think you are STILL being less than forthright and honest in your post.

You have the right to think what ever you wish. But until you ask you for details and then are willing to listen and have empathy without criticism you can only perceive but not know. I have nothing to hide.

You appear to have started your post-separation "pursuit" of companionship by LYING about your marital status.

I would say that not posting was more of a point of naietivity more so than a desire to LYE as you accuse. Hence the whole point of this post.

Did you claim divorced or single when you were NOT?

I never posted single. There were times I posted divorced a couple days before a court date that should have been a slam dunk divorce but something kept dragging it out. But by that time I had learned to keep things straight up and when the divorce was not yet granted I would put the profile back as originally placed.

I find your post confusing. You are preaching to people that they should be honest about their status even if it eliminates some candidates.
So whats so confusing about that?

Most inherently honest people know that already.
MOST but not ALL! I hear women complain incessantly that "ALL MEN LIE" and I HATE THAT reputation we are throw into. I do not wish to be associated with such a category and feel that I am prejudged as you have me already. With all the angry women out there I was hoping to shed some light to some men about its ok to be honest right off the bat.

Why didn't you START your "quest" by being HONEST and why are you not being clear about the status you did claim, initially?
I think the best way to answer this as I eluded to earlier is that I didnt know how. Imagine being 17 and being told to write a professional resume to the pool of recruiters out there. You would have no point of reference in which to know what the recruiters wish to see. Your resume if reviewed and sent back to you would be hacked, slashed and bashed to pieces. This is what happened to me. Well after three years I have had a similar experience with my "DATING RESUME" (Profile) I am simply sharing wisdom.

Maybe you are hoping it portrays you in a better light. I think you are a good candidate to search for integrity.
EVERYONE is ALWAYS a good candidate to search for integrity. Integrity is not only outward but inward as well. And in that vein, being in tune with the integrity of my feelings currently I think I would be well advised to listen to my heart and not continue dialogue with you as it serves no purpose but to feed your aggresive personality. I hope I have answered your questions FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYONE ELSES CURIOUSITY but not so much for yours.

To me, you still sound confused. Good Luck!
I could say the same to you. GOOD LUCK and have an awesome fun time finding it! I mean that.
 YourLodestone
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 28
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/22/2012 2:06:51 PM
@Kayla...

WOW!!!.... You sure do have a big chip on your shoulder...
 Jusneedu
Joined: 6/12/2012
Msg: 29
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/22/2012 2:09:49 PM
For me, when I see the "Seperated", it means STILL MARRIED... And I don't care if they have lived apart for ten years, the marriage is still legal, and should of been taken care of a long time ago.

I have heard all kinds of excuses why they didn't divorce yet, such as: because of the kids, they own land and can't divide it, both names are on the house, and they still live together, etc..etc..etc....

Married is married. And if the paper isn't signed, sealled and delivered, then please pass me by.

I dated one on here that said he had been sperated for six years, but he forgot to tell me they were still seing each other even while he was seing me. Only she lived in the upstairs bedroom he in the basement. cough... cough...

So my thoughts. No thanks...
 YourLodestone
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 30
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/22/2012 2:10:47 PM
@ Bounty Hunter Mike.

[Quote]My Gosh man why in the heck was there a separation period for 3 years??? Too me thats a RED FLAG ....sounds like there are issues between you and the ex and no one wants to be in extra drama and yes, a 3 year spearation is drama...I hope you can see that, right??[/Quote]
Long story Mike. Not all divorces are easy. We owned a company together. Valuing the company while undergoing a 10 year financial forensic financial and tax audit after loosing all documentation in a flood can take more than a couple days. All is not always as it seems. Agreed! 3 yrs was WAYYYYYYY TTOOOOOOO LOOONNNNGGGG!!!
[Quote]If you were sick and tried of having to explain your situation why did you not change the situation??? [/Quote] The IRS does not care about your personal status, and when part of the counter to the divorce is that the finances be ironed out you gotta do it to please the court.
 YourLodestone
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 31
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/22/2012 3:08:26 PM


Kayla has it translated and broken down to a tee..
Ginger tea snorted up my nose..thanks K

Trust me,

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Trust me..Means I'm about to lie to you about something.
At least skirt around them.

I am quite the catch!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Every man that has ever said to me that has some social developmental issue or deloooooooosional thinking , temporarily insane..something.

Its all relative to MY/HER perception not yours.
In reality there is no actual set reality when stating such an opinion.

I would never say such a thing even IF I was that egotistical and thought so.
For some I would be what they have been looking for all of their lives and for others a nightmare..please
Just state facts, not opinions when going on about yourself.

I never said "Trust Me", nor did I say "I am quite the catch!". You need to double check the statements and thier sources before assuming that the thread is staying aligned with fact.

Gosh has this thread gone haywire!!!!! So much for trying to help other guys get thru their struggles.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 32
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/22/2012 4:16:44 PM
look, men that say they are separated typically are very married, still sleeping withtheir wives, and simply looking to hook up with some poor woman that is dumb enough to believe their b.s.. i've been through this heart break, and NEVER EVER again will I allow some man to treat me like that -E V E R. The lies are one thing, but when you find out the truth, and you find out how badly you've been played, it's really hard to face yourself. on one hand you feel like a fool, on the other you feel humiliated, and then underneath it all is the knowledge that you have been duped into being an accessory to some other person's deception. finding out that you have unwittingly played the part of the OW, a role, by the way, that you didn't go out and seek, is pretty hurtful. It's worse if you continue to see the douchebag after ya find out that he's married - yes, women do this, and yes, they are idiots for doing so. you see, women do stupid things like this when they think they are in "love," whereas men do the stupid things for sex.

so yeah, if i met you and your profile said "separated" i'd be very wary of dating you, too. you have to understand that there are some very creepy, awful, and despicable married men out there that are trolling about looking for some cheap thrill at someone else's expense - then they go home to their wives after cheating egregiously. now that you truly are divorced, well, i am sure that you will have a lot more interest. women will now know that you aren't "one of them." good luck to you, and thank you for being an honest bloke! :)
 YourLodestone
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 33
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/22/2012 6:58:06 PM
@Larissan04

I think that when a man is in his youth, the first time he has a conflict between doing the right thing and satisfying the desires of his hormones it is almost never going to be the denial of his hormones. It takes repeated emotional beatings to realize one cannot do that and be at peace. Unfortunately women get hurt when this happens as you have described.

I also agree that women that "are stupid" as you put it "fall in love with the idea of being in love". A clear red flag for me. As to men doing stupid things for sex... Read the re: the above paragraph.

To my defense, when I separated I MOVED OUT! I did not see her again for any reason other to settle unfinished business.
 LoveMyDog55
Joined: 7/18/2012
Msg: 34
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 1:48:03 PM

And FYI, most men are in fact looking for a commitment.


Commited to getting laid
 AlfredoDP
Joined: 5/31/2012
Msg: 35
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 2:02:34 PM
It should not really matter; some have their reasons for not divorcing.
Intelligence, honesty... now we talking.

And, LoveMyDog, when are we going to do it?
 LoveMyDog55
Joined: 7/18/2012
Msg: 36
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 2:20:48 PM

And, LoveMyDog, when are we going to do it?


Pencil me in ;)
 AlfredoDP
Joined: 5/31/2012
Msg: 37
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 2:28:09 PM
How you?.........
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 38
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 2:29:22 PM

Commited to getting laid


Sounds like you attract some real winners LoveMyDog.
 AlfredoDP
Joined: 5/31/2012
Msg: 39
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 2:33:28 PM
Show some class, she is a wonderful person.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 40
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 2:36:34 PM

So much for trying to help other guys get thru their struggles.

^^^^^^^^^

Thats what a counselor,priest, life-coach or guru is for.


To my defense, when I separated I MOVED OUT!

^^^^^^^^^^
Oh giggle me drawers, that's MUCH better.
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 41
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 2:46:01 PM

Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!


Divorce sets you free.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 42
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 2:53:08 PM

Divorce sets you free


You aren't really free until you let go of the past. There are plenty of divorced people that aren't any freer than a person who is separated.
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 43
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 3:14:05 PM
Well it is a necessary legal step. Of course, your are correct, freedom is in the mind.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 44
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 3:14:39 PM

With all the angry women out there

why do you reckon that is?

a desire to LYE as you accuse.

Ummm-at my house I use lye to clean drains. LIE is the transmission of an untruth.
As far as being out of the dating scene for 30 yrs or even 300 years, truthfulness, integrity and homesty haven't been evicted from the dating scene.
While I GET that you-OP-had a complex financial situation to sort out, that doesn't make it the fault of women, the dating scene or the Universe that a number of women shied away from you when they discovered that you were not legally and officially out of your marriage-even though you may have been divorced emotionally, women who had just met you had no way of knowing that. Unfortunately, for men, being in process of divorce( separated) is going to impact your dating activities. And for some women, also-there are men whowill not involve themselves with a woman who is still technically married-but as has already been observed,men don't seem to shy away from separated women as much as women fight shy of separated men. (I think there could be quite a soliloquy to be made upon that phenomena, but I think I'll just let everyone entertain their own thoughts on the matter)LOL.
So I have to agree with Kayla on much of what she said. I cannot believe it didn't occur to you that a lot of women would not be interested in continuing to date you once they learned of your not-yet-divorced status...regardless of how valid your reason and how "unfair" that a big financial/accounting/recordkeeping knot was what delayed the finalization of your divorce-sometimes you just have to be totally finished,loose ends tied up, "i"s dotted, "t"s crossed before you can really move on to the next step in your life.
Cindy O
 Dani156
Joined: 6/29/2012
Msg: 45
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 3:23:10 PM
I agree separated is a red flag,big one.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 46
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 3:37:10 PM

Kayla58
At least some skanks date separated guys.


Just to clarify your post Kayla, are you saying any woman who knowingly dates a separated man is a Skank?
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 47
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 4:26:20 PM

...a desire to LYE ...


mr. quest, if you are going to go on a grammar/spelling snark, please make sure of your own usage...

kayla is correct: "lying" is the action of telling an untruth.
 HiHeelsLover
Joined: 7/13/2012
Msg: 48
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 4:27:39 PM
I think separated and divorced are the same thing. YOU dont live with the person. AND unless you are looking to marry the person what does it matter?
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 49
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 5:25:53 PM
Just to clarify your post Kayla, are you saying any woman who knowingly dates a separated man is a Skank?

bbe_53: I gave MY interpretation of what the OP's statement implied in Msg 1.
Here are his exact words:

I just plain stated that I was in a separation status. Though those of higher caliper [SIC] passed me by, (some politely, some not so much) it did act as a screeing [SIC] agent.


When the OP was "honest" about being separated, he found that higher "caliper" (I assume he means "calibre/caliber") women were not interested in dating him (they "passed him by"). Now remember, he claims to be here to "teach" other men that "The truth will set them free." Therefore, we can derive 1) the cause of his dissatisfaction with the quality of women as: being honest about his separated status and 2) the effect being: a smaller pool (admitting to bring separated acted as a "screening" agent).

Further, this limited population consists of women who are NOT of a higher calibre; ergo - being separated not only narrows your options, but reduces them to "lower" calibre women. What is a "lower" calibre woman? Well, this is precisely where I think the OP put his foot in it. It seems he was frustrated by his own limited thinking that the only women available to a separated man are of a lower calibre. Are they dumb, unattractive, immoral, poor, slutty?

He is the only one who knows what it means to him, but I think it is offensive that he implies he can not really pursue a relationship with a "quality" woman when he was separated. That attitude speaks volumes about the OP's mindset regarding women who date separated men, and why, once he realized he *thought* he couldn't attract the calibre of women he wanted by lying, he just had to "settle" for a temporary solution.

Really, he has provided his own self-fulfilling prophecy - low calibre women are the only ones he could attract while separated. If he felt that way, why not hold off until the divorce was final? Oh, because it left the door open to pursue "lower calibre" women and make some "friends." Disgusting really.

And what is with the bit about changing status to "Divorced" when the court date was pending?

It should have been a "slam dunk?" Oh, for criminy sakes! He still didn't get it! Divorce happens AFTER the papers are signed.

Anyway, I still think this is a billboarding thread. Just read all the superfluous info that has nothing to do with the topic.
It's just another weak permutation of the "Nice Guy" lament!

P.S. I admit to a typo in "proselytizing," but is the OP seriously mocking MY spelling? Check your own, dude!
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 50
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 8:32:23 PM
I do not discount anyone who is "separated" until I learn of their circumstances and figure out where they are in the divorce process. My own ex-husband "came out" as gay in 2002 so the marriage was definitely over. Still, we had boys at home so we "separated" but co-habitated (same house, different bedrooms) and co-parented our sons for 4 more years through the youngest's graduation from high school. I stayed true to my marriage vows until after I filed for divorce in 2007. It took another 2.5 years for the divorce to be finalized, but I was always honest about my maritial status and had already come to terms with the aftermath of the divorce and his coming out so none of the men I dated cared that the court hadn't finalized it before we started dating.
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