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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 51
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!Page 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I think that when a man is in his youth, the first time he has a conflict between doing the right thing and satisfying the desires of his hormones it is almost never going to be the denial of his hormones.

In most cases, the hormones win, even among those in the 50's or 60's. They are out of their marriage and only care about their own needs.

And as far as separated is concerned, they should be working on their issues and healing instead of running amuck among us, which is why the top calibre won't touch them with a 10 foot pole. I've always believed that the separated should all find each other and leave the rest of us alone.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 52
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/23/2012 10:30:14 PM

bbe_53: I gave MY interpretation of what the OP's statement implied in Msg 1.
Here are his exact words:


I ask what is truly a yes or no question and in normal forum fashion, we get a dissertation, without answering the question. Lets try again, do you think any person who knowing dates a separated person, is a Skank? It's not a hard question to answer and only needs a yes or no.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 53
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/24/2012 4:17:01 AM
Lets try again, do you think any person who knowing dates a separated person, is a Skank? It's not a hard question to answer and only needs a yes or no.
No (and thanks for changing the gender from "woman" in Msg 51 to "person").
 nmam2012
Joined: 3/12/2012
Msg: 54
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/24/2012 5:31:58 PM
Let me get this straight. Two people , lets use men for the sake of this conversation, with similar backgrounds. One has been married for 15 years and has been seperated for one year. The other has been living with someone for the last 20 years and just moved out today. Both put up profiles on the same day. One guy posts single because although he has been living with someone for the last twenty years he was never married. The other despite being separated for a year and in the process of a divorce, is "separated". The "single guy" is the better catch? No wonder all these women are on these sites crying in there beer.

NMAM
 nmam2012
Joined: 3/12/2012
Msg: 55
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/24/2012 6:22:27 PM

which is why the top calibre won't touch them with a 10 foot pole



Actually I have found this to be quite the opposite. The higher the caliper the less judgmental the person. The more confidence they have in their own judgment. I am quickly developing a theory that a woman that will not go out with a "truly" separated man just because he is "separated" may actually be using this an excuse to guard herself because she doesn't trust her judgment. There are plenty of "single / divorced " men whose intentions may not be so admirable. Quite frankly I can see where a separated man may actually go through a transformation as he becomes divorced / simgle. Since he faced so many challenges while he was separated he may end up becoming bitter or guarded. So it becomes an ecosystem if you will. just my 2cents and observations

NMAM
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 56
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/24/2012 6:40:51 PM
I think a major point is being missed here. When people say they are separated, one wonders how long they have been going through the "greiving" process of the ending marriage. It takes time to get over the hurt of a divorce, just as it takes time to get over the hurt of any love relationship.

To most separated means they are still going through that process. Why hasen't it been resolved? I waited the 6 months of my separation before I even thought about dating. On the day my divorce was final I joined Match .. just because after that time of healing I thought I was ready. I did find I wasn't really as healed as I thought.

You can't move forward until you deal with what is behind you.
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 57
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/24/2012 6:48:49 PM
Marriage status means zip to me. What matters is a woman's situation in life vis a vis their past partner. I've never known a woman who was not truthful about it.

The reverse...ya, if i was a woman, I'd be leary of a guy not legally divorced...at least go in with your eyes wide open. Don't dismiss him out right but err on the side of caution. most guys are relatively decent but there are some cads out there.
 nmam2012
Joined: 3/12/2012
Msg: 58
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/24/2012 8:07:14 PM
Separated is just a legality. End of story! It has nothing to do with emotional anything. We all move at different paces.
For some the marriage was over long before they even separated. For others the marriage will go on long after the divorce. Hopefuly at our ages all of us have an ex. I'd be weart of the ones that don't. Does anyone check with the widowers how long they've been widowed before agreeing to meet them or go on a date?

NMAM
 nmam2012
Joined: 3/12/2012
Msg: 59
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/24/2012 8:09:19 PM

go in with your eyes wide open. Don't dismiss him out right but err on the side of caution.

Amen! But then again that's good advise for anyone your dating.
NMAM
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 60
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/24/2012 8:39:09 PM
"The higher the caliper the less judgmental the person. The more confidence they have in their own judgment. I am quickly developing a theory that a woman that will not go out with a "truly" separated man just because he is "separated" may actually be using this an excuse to guard herself because she doesn't trust her judgment. "

Oh my. This from a separated man.

Over the years, I have seen so many separated people trying to convince other people that they are ready to be dating and in a relationship.
I have watched many of them growing over time, and coming to realize that indeed they have to find a single happy lifestyle for themselves before they were ready to date. Once divorced, and some time passes where they become mentally single, many of these people learn what it takes to move in with their lives. At that point, they in turn won't date separated or newly divorced people, because they know from their own experience how long it took them personally to be really ready for a new relationship.
They will think they are ready, and realize that they really aren't a few times before the reality of the situation hits home.

The truth sets them free once they are able to accept the truth in their personal circumstance, and just where they are at in the process.
 nmam2012
Joined: 3/12/2012
Msg: 61
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/24/2012 10:13:20 PM

Oh my. This from a separated man.


Hmm not sure what that is supposed to mean.

But what I can say is that the people I have met have turned out to be of the utmost caliper. Having no knowledge of my marriage or the circumstances around it what makes you qualified to determine that I am not ready for a relationship. Better yet can you quantify how many people you've seen over the years? Do you have a practice?

In today’s society we clearly are doing things in a much faster and more efficient scale. Hell we are all on a dating site. Twenty years ago it would have been unheard of. Today with a trusty mouse in hand we sort through dozens if not hundreds of potential suitors in a matter of minutes. Sorry I am of the "Some One Moved My Cheese” generation. You can sit there and contemplate where your cheese went, or why it went. You can choose to experience hunger until you get new cheese. Or you can just go find new cheese.

I'm not getting divorced because I didn't want to be in a relationship. I'm getting divorced because I didn't want to be in a relationship with my ex-wife. BTW what the hell is a single happy life suppose to mean any way? Well when I was younger a single happy life was going around sewing oats playing the field and dating a number of different ladies. Sorry if I've actually matured and don't really care to go that route again. If I did want to go that route I wouldn't be on a dating site with "looking for a relationship" in my profile. It would say "wants to date nothing serious". And I'd be at my local watering holes on a nightly basis.

So forgive me if I don't want to do "Separation Penance". Ok given that going through a divorce puts stress and drama on a person and you don't want to be part of that. Well when you face some of the non-divorce challenges and drama life may throw at you would you like the other person to say oh gee I don't want to be part of that. I didn't sign up for some illnesses in your family, or some family quarrel you had develop. No if you’re in a relationship you want that person to support you because that’s what people in relationships do. If your house burned down how would you feel if someone said to you maybe you’re not ready to have another house. You should have a happy homeless life first.

You might try dating a separated man. A separated man having been in a bad relationship may be very appreciative of a good one that comes his way.


Just my 2 cents.
NMAM
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 62
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 7:29:34 AM

Really, he has provided his own self-fulfilling prophecy - low calibre women are the only ones he could attract while separated. If he felt that way, why not hold off until the divorce was final?


While this makes absolutely perfect sense-it does kind of leave out some human factors like loneliness, needing a distraction,needing a source of hope that eventually things WILL be alright.

Oh, because it left the door open to pursue "lower calibre" women and make some "friends." Disgusting really.

I don't know as I'd go so far as to call it "disgusting"-but I agree that it certainly is a bit unprincipled. However, I think the observation made by a couple of other posters, that men seldom see a woman's "separated" status as a "red flag", sort of points out a gender-based difference in perspective. .We can call this hypocritical, we can call it a double standard, we can claim it as "proof" that men are ruled by "their little head"-but I think it's just conditioned behavior that has been going on for so long, that it's now regarded as part of human nature.


Anyway, I still think this is a billboarding thread. Just read all the superfluous info that has nothing to do with the topic.

I tend to agree with this thought.

I do not discount anyone who is "separated" until I learn of their circumstances and figure out where they are in the divorce process.

This makes a helluva lot of sense!

It also leads to my thoughts on message # 59-which is that people should take their time when beginning to date a new person, to evaluate incoming information. Now-if a person CONCEALS their actual status, or witholds pertinent information( "I lived with someone for 20 yrs and we just broke up last week")-then that is on the person who did the concealing/witholding information.


No wonder all these women are on these sites crying in there beer.


I suspect that a lot of the tears in the beer comes from women dealing with men using online dating sites to behave in deceptive ways. Not all men are doing this but anyone who claims that online dating ISN'T a positive GIFT to cheaters, gold-diggers, users, players,etc(of BOTH genders!) is a fool.
The other thing I think may be going on-and it may be more of a tendency with women-is that there is such an anxiety to get into a pair-bond relationship, that women start selling themselves on a particular guy from the first email. Dating a particular guy becomes a mission to make a relationship happen, rather than a considered EVALUATION process.

For women who reject separated men out of hand, I'm sorry, guys, but these women have a particular parameter that a separated man doesn't meet. It has nothing to do with "caliber"-it's a personal decision.
There are also women who want just to date, or are not in a big-ass rush to get to co-habitation or marriage. And women who do regard dating-even with sexual intimacy-as an evaluation process, which they will not hesitate to end if it doesn't seem to be working out. Unfortunately, we are still at a point where many women will feel obligated to try and MAKE a relationship work because they've become sexually intimate with the man. IMO, a woman who dates a separated man but decides against continuing to see that man, is no more a "skank" than a woman who decides that a relationship with a single, divorced or widowed man isn't going to work.

There actually are not all that many "skanks" out there-just different dating goals, and unfortunately sometimes a perspective of sex and dating that creates an 'easily misled" situation with a particular woman.


Actually I have found this to be quite the opposite. The higher the caliper the less judgmental the person. The more confidence they have in their own judgment. I am quickly developing a theory that a woman that will not go out with a "truly" separated man just because he is "separated" may actually be using this an excuse to guard herself because she doesn't trust her judgment.

No, I think most women who won't go out with a separated man just don't WANT TO. Many women do hold the standard that a man is MARRIED until a judge officially declares that his marriage is dissolved-and they just do't date married men.


Does anyone check with the widowers how long they've been widowed before agreeing to meet them or go on a date?

Actually, a lot of people do exactly that.


BTW what the hell is a single happy life suppose to mean any way?

IMO-the fact that you don't know this means you aren't as ready to date as you think you are. Perhaps if people took their time after a marriage fails or a spouse dies, the failure rate for 2nd marriages wouldn't be around 70%.


So forgive me if I don't want to do "Separation Penance".

It's not a penance it's a process.


If your house burned down how would you feel if someone said to you maybe you’re not ready to have another house. You should have a happy homeless life first.

This is a completely ridiculous comparison.
Sounds to me like somebody is trying to date and get into a new relationship before his previous one is over, and is PO'ed that he's not having much luck.

Ok given that going through a divorce puts stress and drama on a person and you don't want to be part of that. Well when you face some of the non-divorce challenges and drama life may throw at you would you like the other person to say oh gee I don't want to be part of that. I didn't sign up for some illnesses in your family, or some family quarrel you had develop. No if you’re in a relationship you want that person to support you because that’s what people in relationships do.
ACtually,marriages end every day due to some of the things you mention. I certainly do not condone or support such behavior, but it DOES happen.

The Universe does not OWE you or anyone else a supportive partner for lifes' trials and tribulations-or even for one's joys and pleasures. Unfortunately, many people regard a person who is separated and/or in process of divorce,as not material for their particular dating goal. yes, I know that seems very unfair, but often Life is very unfair.

And now a word about "caliper"...
Due to a locked up disc-brake CALIPER-I once almost ate a cement wall on an expressway overpass. So watch the "caliper" of the people you date-it could lead to a wreck, or a near-wreck.
Just a thought on "caliper".
Cindy O
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 63
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 7:47:54 AM

Really, he has provided his own self-fulfilling prophecy - low calibre women are the only ones he could attract while separated. If he felt that way, why not hold off until the divorce was final?

While this makes absolutely perfect sense-it does kind of leave out some human factors like loneliness, needing a distraction,needing a source of hope that eventually things WILL be alright.


I have no problem with separated people dating (assuming they disclose their status). I am disgusted by anyone who pursues those they disdain (s/he feels others are "beneath them" - lower calibre), for selfish reasons. The OP sounds like a user who felt that the women that were willing to date separated men were not "worthy" of serious consideration.

Now that he is officially divorced, he has come to the forums in his pursuit of "high calibre" women under the pretense of helping others while just broadcasting his version of "Anazing Grace" (I once was lost but now am found, Was blind, but now, I see.).

Divorce has not only permitted him to change his lying ways, but to develop his interests and become a more rounded person. He is offering a "drama free" setting, an "honesty mindset," and delineates how "deep" that mindset goes while advising us of his superior communication skills.

I mean, come on.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 64
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 8:11:13 AM

Now that he is officially divorced, he has come to the forums in his pursuit of "high calibre" women under the pretense of helping others while just broadcasting his version of "Anazing Grace" (I once was lost but now am found, Was blind, but now, I see.)

I didn't see his post that way at all... but to some extent, I guess we're all broadcasting in one sense or another.


...while advising us of his superior communication skills.

Lots of that going around here, too.

Pretty much anything can be picked apart and put in a negative light, but the bottom line of his OP was that it's better to be upfront about being separated.

That much I think we can all agree on.
 soicat
Joined: 7/16/2012
Msg: 65
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 8:47:33 AM

I think separated and divorced are the same thing. YOU dont live with the person. AND unless you are looking to marry the person what does it matter?


I think you hit the nail on the head, Scottish. I'd bet a lot of the ladies who insist on a divorce decree are angling for their third or fourth husband.

I've been separated for years, and one of the reasons I'm not in any hurry to get divorced is that I'm not in any hurry to remarry.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 66
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 9:20:34 AM

I'd bet a lot of the ladies who insist on a divorce decree are angling for their third or fourth husband.

Or maybe they have a personal ethical standard against dating someone who is still married.
I don't disagree that there are many "separation" situations that exist because of children, insurance, business concerns. I suspect a lot of the ladies who insist on a divorce decree are simply protecting their own financial stability. Oh, I'm certain that there are ladies out there looking for a divorced and unencumbered man to rescue their own financial and practical situations...but to presume that all women who choose NOT to date separated men because they are "angling" for their next husband-IMO, that says more about the person making the presumption than it does about "the ladies who insist on a divorce decree" .

Meaning you no personal disrespect, doesn't this represent the other side of the "women don't trust their judgement" hypothesis presented by another poster? Do you not trust your own judgement/willpower? Afraid that you couldn't just say no to remarriage-you need that technicality of still being married to protect you from YOURSELF?
I've already said I can understand a separation status where concerns exist about insurance, about a business enterprise or other joint endeavor are in play-but because of a fear that one couldn't just say "no, I don't want to get married again"?
Cindy O
 soicat
Joined: 7/16/2012
Msg: 67
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 9:40:29 AM

Meaning you no personal disrespect, doesn't this represent the other side of the "women don't trust their judgement" hypothesis presented by another poster? Do you not trust your own judgement/willpower? Afraid that you couldn't just say no to remarriage-you need that technicality of still being married to protect you from YOURSELF?


Well, I suppose I'm guilty as charged, Cindy. I certainly don't trust my judgement, and can admit that I have poor impulse control. It gives comfort to know that, as long as I don't get divorced, I can't make the same mistake again, but you're right that this is simply a personal failing, rather than a valid reason to remain married.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 68
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 9:59:44 AM

I'd bet a lot of the ladies who insist on a divorce decree are angling for their third or fourth husband.

Hell, I'm not even angling for a first husband, I just don't want to date someone who is still legally married. Some of us just don't based on many reasons already mentioned.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 69
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 11:00:07 AM

I'd bet a lot of the ladies who insist on a divorce decree are angling for their third or fourth husband.


You have a crystal ball and are able to put a limit on love? Maybe they want to share their life with someone? Like either live together or get married whatever the two of them wish to do..

What they do not want to do is be in a relationship where the other party has no desire for either.. Believe it or not some are not interested in any kind of friends with benefits situation.. Most women do not have to be online to look for that..


Afraid that you couldn't just say no to remarriage-you need that technicality of still being married to protect you from YOURSELF?


Too funny how does one protect themselves that way? That is like saying I do not want to do that, so I am doing it.. lol
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 70
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 11:24:36 AM
You have a crystal ball and are able to put a limit on love? Maybe they want to share their life with someone? Like either live together or get married whatever the two of them wish to do..

What they do not want to do is be in a relationship where the other party has no desire for either.. Believe it or not some are not interested in any kind of friends with benefits situation.. Most women do not have to be online to look for that..



Too funny how does one protect themselves that way? That is like saying I do not want to do that, so I am doing it.. lol

HA! Reverse psychology on your own self. Hilarious!!!!

~OT~ There's a side to this "separated" stuff that MANY overlook. The only reason I think about it, is that I witnessed this first hand some years ago. Let's say you're separated but still married. You both move on to others, begin life anew, with someone new. Then 5 years later, you're in love, still legally married to someone else and you go for a swim in the Pacific. You drown. Legally? The legal wife/husband is the next of kin. And then things can get pretty ugly. One wants a burial, the new love says cremation. The wife gets the say and if there's a Will? It's easily contestable at that stage. One other possible scenario? Let's say your separated, moving on with a newbie but still legally married. You go out, get drunk and kill someone. The newbie has NO legal obligations to the family of those you kill, but your wife/husband could easily be sued and would likely lose. Although these situations may seem far fetched and few between, which is likely the case, they do happen. I want NO part of that side of someone who simply does not take care of his legal business before adding me to his life. There's a lot more to being married legally than just living together. JMO
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 71
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 11:29:16 AM

The legal wife/husband is the next of kin.

That's not true.

When you are "legally separated" you no longer have rights to assets or debts not specified in the legal separation agreement. You file taxes as a single person, and your property and assets are no longer at risk. This is "why" people do a legal separation while waiting for a divorce.

This is the thing that most people don't understand.
 tampasmiles
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 72
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 11:40:03 AM
There are several states that you can't be "legally" separated and many people say they are "separated" but...are just that...if a court hasn't made the separation "legal" the next of kin is still the wife....so...depends on the state you live in...and...depends if you are just using POF's definition of separation..which doesn't have the requirement of seeing the separation decree....

Having said that...when I was separated...my ex would come on here...while we were still seeking to reconcile...it was when...I saw in black and white his conversation with a woman on POF about having sex the night before..that is when I went to the courthouse and filed for divorce... I considered it cheating...prior to the separation he hadn't had sex with another while dating or married...so...it really depends on the person's understanding of marriage...some might say that if you are "just" separated you can have sex...but in my mind...it ends the marriage...and there is no way I would end someone's marriage...

I actually felt bad for the several women on here..that truly thought they had a chance of having a relationship with my ex at the time...but actually he was just trying to heal his hurt by filling it with meaningless sex.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 73
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 11:51:25 AM

That's not true.

When you are "legally separated" you no longer have rights to assets or debts not specified in the legal separation agreement. You file taxes as a single person, and your property and assets are no longer at risk. This is "why" people do a legal separation while waiting for a divorce.


It is a very sticky wicket here in Quebec.. If someone passes away and has children with that partner and is not yet divorced, they can make a claim.. In fact they want to see the divorce papers before the money is even given to the children from said union.

I know my neighbor was divorced and before their children could get her ex husband's estate they needed a copy of the divorce papers from her, which she gave them..
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 74
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 12:15:51 PM

It is a very sticky wicket here in Quebec.

You're right that I'm only aware of the legalities here in California.

If things are different in Canada... well then, ehhh... don't date single guys, I guess ;)
 zookie57
Joined: 1/27/2012
Msg: 75
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 4:19:27 PM

If things are different in Canada... well then, ehhh... don't date single guys, I guess ;)



Good reply! If he or she has a ton of unfinished business before the dust has settled,well imo you get what you deserve.

And I don't care where you live,as that's the LEGAL law till the fat lady sings!

You may think your free,but far from it you have too many red flags for yourself or anyone else you decide to bring into the morass from your past legal snafus!

Love is blind but the law is sets you free...... live & learn.cheers.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!