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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!      Home login  
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 nmam2012
Joined: 3/12/2012
Msg: 76
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!Page 4 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

I suspect that a lot of the tears in the beer comes from women dealing with men using online dating sites to behave in deceptive ways. Not all men are doing this but anyone who claims that online dating ISN'T a positive GIFT to cheaters, gold-diggers, users, players,etc(of BOTH genders!) is a fool.


You think?

I would think though at our age we would all be a little smarter and a little better at differentiating the genuine and sincere for the rest. When I first came onto the online dating scene I would receive very sweet emails from ladies much younger than me. Some of which were extremely attractive. I could see how some lonely older guy could be taken for a ride. Common sense needs to dictates. This holds true for anything else. Gee I wonder how many of those women who are crying in their beers where played by a “single or divorced “guy. Separated is just a label. You can make up all the reasons and excuses you want but at the end of the day your still passing judgement on a person just because they are separated.

NMAM
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 77
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 4:52:51 PM

If he or she has a ton of unfinished business before the dust has settled,well imo you get what you deserve.

I agree. Unfinished business is something one can only realize after getting to know someone. It is not absolutely a relationship status equivalent.

I was divorced (marital status only) but still in court for almost 3 years because of pending financial issues that were taking too long to resolve.

There are people I've dated who were "single" yet had baby-mamma issues up the gazoo!

Alternatively, when there is a mutual decision to delay divorce, there is usually less turmoil and they have decided to work together for whatever reason, and it's a much less bitter with unresolved issues that later present themselves as drama.

As for anyone not willing to date a separated person? I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I don't care if you don't want to date anyone for ANY reason.

But that doesn't mean that the premise of deciding all separated people are a certain way is correct.
 YourLodestone
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 78
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 5:26:15 PM

What OP was talking about was, I think, the moved-out-of-the-house-pending-divorce kind of separation.

correct!

Dreamfire, without looking up NC law, which I could easily do and will if you want me to, that 2 year separation period is probably not "legal separation" but rather a legally required period of being apart before the divorce can happen.
I have a friend in NC that wanted a divorce 18 months ago. She had to be separated (legally or not I am not sure) for one year. Then her divorce was granted.


I didn't see his post that way at all...

I haven't seen his posts in that light either. Just someone bumbling through this crazy process of the online world of dating and sharing his experiences. It's not like we are all milling around the real life neighborhood together...there are many, many subtleties that get lost in the printed word and deciding the best ways to communicate isn't always clear cut when first coming out of a relationship. (let alone the rest of the time ;)

Thank you Stargazin53 Msg 71 for being able to relate.
 YourLodestone
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 79
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 5:37:40 PM
In responce to that that are critical of my post or my motives, I think at the time I was just brain dumping. I had no motive really to post anything. It was purely a random post related to what my struggles were.

When I first got on the dating scene (in non legally separated fashion) I was a fish out of water. Married and rebouneded for a total of 30 years of marriage. Living single is a new thing for me. LadyC4 had it right that there were some factors that blurred my clarity. I mean really how can you see that you are not emotionally healthy when you only have your perspective?

I had heard a rule of thumb that now has proven itself. It takes two years after a divorce (not a separation) to heal and find ones balance as a single. You may count separation time as 50% value. Example: I was separated 3 years, and now divorced 6 months. 6 months divorce @ 100% value + 3 years @ 50% value =2 years alone time.

I am not an expert in relationships OR COMMUNICATION, though I strive to be knowledgeable in them. My whole mindset in all of that randomness was that if I had the knowledge and wisdom to state that I was separated, understand that it would make me less attractive to the female dating populous, and BE OK WITH IT as being honest yielded a better balance than my earlier learning curve of misrepresentation (out of ignorance of how it would be perceived).

Some folks on here need to understand that we are bumbling our way thru this and learning the rules as we go along. However there is no rule book. And we all know that some people dont learn except by experience.

I hope this clears up any speculation on my motives, both past, present and future.
 Zadar4Me
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 80
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 5:56:47 PM
Today with the economy many people (women) stay separated because of medical costs. Once divorced medical is so darn expensive it is smarter to stay separated and keep medical. Especially older women who may have dedicated their lives to the family, not a career and would go without medical if divorced.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 81
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 6:09:50 PM
Excellent points brought up about financial/legal/liability issues when someone is in the limbo state between married and divorced-and also good points that actual "legal separation" is different than the waiting period between filing for divorce and having it granted...most states have a statutory waiting period between filing for divorce and the actual granting. This period is not necessarily the exact same thing as a "legal separation".
And yes, for a variety of reasons both good and bad, many people delay filing for divorce, or they take their time about following up on finalizing it.
Nobody is sitting in judgement of separated people-choosing not to date separated people is not "judgement", it's a personal choice. And when someone lashes out and calls the "won't date separated" contingent "judgemental"-are they not themselves passing judgement?

As for dating during the divorce process or how soon after, I think that is something that just has to go by trial and error. As other posters have mentioned, there can be a tendency to THINK one is ready before one actually is-and, perhaps unfortunately for people who get involved with unhealed daters-sometimes the only good way to determine one's degree of readiness( or lack of it) is to actually give dating a shot. One cannot sociosexually isolate themselves for some formulaic period of time and then expect to leap into the dating scene and "hit the ground running". Returning to the dating scene after divorce, break-up of LTR, or death of a partner is often a process of 'baby steps', fits and starts, falls and farts...and no one should feel OBLIGATED to shut themselves away from socializing with the opposite gender because of some social 'rule' or mathematical computation-just be aware that you very well may not be emotionally sound enough to pursue a serious relationship-and share that info with the people you date! Then they cannot accuse you of some sort of nefarious behavior-they WERE advised of the situation.
Cindy O
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 82
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 6:27:56 PM
quest4integrity~

you are missing my point. what i am saying is that because there are many married men on dating website (it is estimated that at least 20% of the male profiles on online dating sites are of married men!) that are lying about being "separated," women are leery of dating men that are going through a divorce and have "separated" on their profiles. sure, i bet there are some men out there that are legitimately going through a divorce, but it's pretty risky to date someone that says this. it's a risk. i simply won't do it EVER AGAIN.

also, having been through a divorce myself, i know what a roller coaster it can be. also, how often do people go back to their spouse after contemplating a divorce? who wants to be left high and dry with your heart ripped out after your new love tells you that they are going to try to "work things out" with their spouse. on one hand, you don't want to be responsible for ending a marriage, but on the other, you've been involved with the person and this person has opened up his or her heart to you. this is not a good position to be in; it's called being a rebound.

...and men being men, they aren't typically looking for a real relationship anyway, and if they are just coming out of a long marriage, they are going to be even less inclined to have a relationship. most divorced men want to run around for a while before they get into a relationship again - if ever. some men never want to get back into a serious relationship again. look, men are very difficult to deal with because what they often want from women is not what women want from men. men are driven by sex and women are usually seeking love and a committed relationship. i've come to the conclusion that men don't really need us the way we need them....unless, of course, you are talking about sex. i think women have to be careful about sussing out a man first before falling for him, especially when it comes to online dating. (qualifier for stupid people... no, i am not saying that ALL men are like this. Of course there are men that want a relationship and want companionship - end of stupid people qualifier).
 CoachRick66
Joined: 4/30/2012
Msg: 83
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 7:28:35 PM
In my case separated means we are on the road to divorce but have to get our ducks in a row to finalize it.in my experience,people that think they are going to get screwed,are people that have no problem screwing someone else.
screwed:lied to cheated on,ect,ect.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 84
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 8:37:48 PM
" Well when I was younger a single happy life was going around sewing oats playing the field and dating a number of different ladies. Sorry if I've actually matured and don't really care to go that route again. "

FYI, what you are describing isn't what is meant by a happy single lifestyle. People who are separated/newly divorced need to figure out who they are, and what they want as a single person. They have to learn to love themselves again, and go through mourning the lost of the life they had. Sadly many newly separated people try to fast track past all the painful parts of the process.

All this is just another reason that many people don't want to date newly separated/divorced people. Nobody wants to be the rebound person in another person's life.

"Some folks on here need to understand that we are bumbling our way thru this and learning the rules as we go along."

Thing is we do understand because we have seen it so many times. That is why we think it is wiser to let people figure it out for themselves, and not get involved with them while they bumbling along.
 raicor
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 85
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 8:46:59 PM
wouldn't generalize about men and separated females. i won't interact with a woman who is "separated". and yes, have been told by one that she is staying separated to keep the benefits. that very statement should ring red bells loud and clear that you may be dealing with a female who has little to no consideration of her actions. well, other than what they can get all the while ignoring the emotional torment of the man possibly thinking of reconciliation. and yes, it could be viewed as the man's responsibility if he has ended it and wants to keep helping the female. but, if the female left and wont divorce in order to still leech off the man then run, screaming for the hills.

"it's okay honey, he gives me something and so do you." blech :(
 nmam2012
Joined: 3/12/2012
Msg: 86
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 9:07:21 PM

and go through mourning the lost of the life they had


WHY? Why do I have to mourn anything? Some cultures celebrate a persons death. They have gone on to a better place. If you're getting divorced chances are you were in a bad marriage for a while. It is now dead and you the soul are moving on to a better place. Why do some people insist at telling others they have to grieve? They have to be alone? It is a natural programming that most beings seek love and companionship. So as my kids would say, build a bridge and get over it.

NMAM
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 87
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 9:18:16 PM
Its about accepting the new normal. If you aren't the one that iniciated the divorce you may have been blindsided. It takes time to get past that, and often it is a greiving process over what was lost. Its very common, and can take time to accept. Yes some do celebrate their new found freedom, but even with them it comes at a cost of sorts.

If I met a person that could just "jump" from one relationship to another I would wonder about their commitment abilities and the compassion that was shared in that relationship prior. But thats just me.
 soicat
Joined: 7/16/2012
Msg: 88
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 9:21:08 PM

men are driven by sex and women are usually seeking love and a committed relationship. i've come to the conclusion that men don't really need us the way we need them


Relationships start out with sex for men, but when we fall in love we're you're captives. You are, by far, the more cold-blooded and calculating sex. We're like children by comparison. And we're always at risk of falling victim to your charms - women get by splendidly without men, we're mostly miserable without women.
 nmam2012
Joined: 3/12/2012
Msg: 89
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/25/2012 9:31:58 PM

If I met a person that could just "jump" from one relationship to another


First of all no one said jump into anything, Dating shouldn't be jumping into a relationship. There in lies part of the problem. There is an expectation that we will be in a relationship right away. Its that highly efficient technology era. We go catalog shopping through profiles for potential relationships. There is no meeting a person and getting to know them. Its click and go. What about dating developing a strong friendship and then moving into a relationship. Let's face it this point in your lives you should be able to see through facades rather quickly. So after a couple of dates you should know if the person is relationship material .


I would wonder about their commitment abilities and the compassion that was shared in that relationship prior. But thats just me


If a 20 year marriage doesn't speak for commitment abilities not sure what else will. Hell at our ages there's no guarantee we'll see another 20 years.

NMAM
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 90
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/26/2012 7:51:19 AM
NMAN... I didn't mean you personally. I was just stating facts. And yes we should knwo how to read people by now. But some are very good at hiding the truth, so at times it can be a challenge.
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/26/2012 10:18:14 PM

The legal wife/husband is the next of kin. - verygreeneyez



That's not true.

When you are "legally separated" you no longer have rights to assets or debts not specified in the legal separation agreement. You file taxes as a single person, and your property and assets are no longer at risk. This is "why" people do a legal separation while waiting for a divorce.

This is the thing that most people don't understand. - Janet_Always


The law varies from 1 state/province to the next & they can also change over time. You, Janet_Always according to your profile, are in California. Verygreeneyez is from Idaho & was divorced 12 years ago. Any number of differences in the laws, can be attributed to those 2 facts. In Canada, when you marry, your old will (unless it was clearly written "in contemplation of marriage") is no longer valid. When you separate, the will you made in contemplation of marriage, or directly after your marriage, is no longer valid. One of the reasons most lawyers will tell you to save copies of your last 3 wills, just in case. And to make a new will immeadiately, when your life circumstances chage (ie: separation).
There are a lot of factors to consider, when it comes to whether or not you would date a separated person. When I met my husband, he was separated. He & his first wife had been separated for 3 years, & he'd been in a relationship for 6 months, a while before we met. He hadn't gotten around to filing for a divorce, because #1) he knew that his mentally-ill ex, would create drama. And #2, until we met, he had no motivation to do so. Since my moving to the US would be much easier if we were married, he started the paperwork, which took a little over a month. When I came to visit him in Boise for the first time, I met his family & fell in love with that beautiful city. Unfortunately, a technical/legal SNAFU altered our situation & he ended up moving to Canada. But overall, my experience was a good one.

But I do understand that there are risks, & not everyone is willing to take them.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 92
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/27/2012 4:48:17 AM

Why should there be a problem with a person who has been separated from their partner and living apart for a significant period?

Many are the largely innocent party in the breakup, who have made the decision to move on after a period of reflection.

And why do so many people state that their dates must be fun and exclude meaningful conversation, surely a little depth in places is acceptable, if you have been chatting online for a while (superficial impressions are not the most reliable.)

A trueful person is a rare thing in these cynical times; in my view a person looking for somebody they can trust should not discard the opportunity lightly.

I have been on POF for a short time, yet after looking at profiles, are beginning to wonder whether many of the people here should take a good look at themself before contemplating another relationship.


BINGO! ^^^ he is RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL! Correct, I am looking at myself, perhaps I need to do MORE work on me, if I want a person of a certain caliber, I have to raise the bar on MYSELF as well!
 Happy Dude 63
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 93
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/27/2012 5:19:44 AM
I am beginning to think I dont know how to 'play' here in the forum section.
So much silly arguing. Every one trying to get others to agree to their point?

My thoughts on the topic.
1. I am a little lost about how ladies felt YOU deceived them? Did you first say you were single and then tell them the truth? I am not knocking you, your post sounds like you are a good dude.

2. I do understand how some people can take a while going through the divorce process or why they dont divorce at all.
I just think the marriage is not over till it is done. And then there still is a healing process. For me it was a long time.

3. I would not WANT to date a separated lady. Now I am not saying I would not go and meet a separated lady, because I have. So with that said I can not say I would not date her. But I strongly, very strongly would rather date a single lady. Because I want a monogamous lifetime relationship. And the term separated is very open ended.

ps you notice how monogamous and monotonous are so similar? hehe
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 94
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/27/2012 6:14:02 AM

Why should there be a problem with a person who has been separated from their partner and living apart for a significant period?
Many are the largely innocent party in the breakup, who have made the decision to move on after a period of reflection.


Last I checked getting a divorce is part of the process of moving forward.. This way you have no unfinished business and a clear slate..
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 95
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Separated vs Divorced: m,The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/27/2012 10:45:22 AM
"show me a person without unfinished business and a clear slate, and I will show you a figment of your imagination.'

Sorry, but people without unfinished business and a clear slate, are people who have done the work to be ready to move on with their lives.

It takes most people a few years to being single to figure this out. Some never figure it out, and their slate just adds more and more unfinished business that they have to deal with constantly, or try to bury.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 96
Separated vs Divorced: m,The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/27/2012 11:17:21 AM

but show me a person without unfinished business and a clear slate, and I will show you a figment of your imagination.
Anybody you are likely to meet in this age group will have a history which has helped make them the person they have become.
In my view, for a relationship to successfully form, their needs to be a willingness to adapt on both sides, together with mutual respect for who each essentially are.

The prevailing mood of some on this thread seems to be fear of the challenge or delusions about finding grass greener than green.


Okay a person that has gone through a divorce and has taken the time to heal is ready to move forward. A person that is still legally married to someone else is not..

This has nothing to do with history and everything to do with being ready to entertain the idea of starting a relationship with someone else.. Everyone has a history some are not at all ready to move forward while others have paved their way there.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 97
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Separated vs Divorced: m,The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/27/2012 12:07:46 PM
" this can be put down by people who have the courage to open themselves to possible happiness or disappointment, before a divorce."

Imo, it has nothing to do with the possibility of happiness or disappointment. It is about people not realizing that they aren't ready to move on. It is a learn process. Many think they are ready, then realize they aren't, often more than once. The hard part is the fall out they cause with people they get involved with. Rebound relationships seldom work.
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 98
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Separated vs Divorced: m,The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/27/2012 12:23:40 PM
What about those folks who are more than ready for the divorce but the other partner holds it up by not complying with paperwork? Mine was held up for 3 long tedious years! I did however, take my time to heal in between. To figure out who I was, and when I was actually ready to date. Because I was still "legally" married, I wasn't ready to date? I had issues that were unresolved? Heavens, that was not the case at all. The legal process here in Canada can be quite the process. I was more than ready to embrace a new relationship once I had dealt with my issues. The legality of it meant nothing to me once I was of the mindset. Sorry to disagree with some of you but I think that the lines drawn have been a tad bit harsh.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 99
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Separated vs Divorced: m,The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/27/2012 9:06:53 PM
"So when are you going to stop dating single people, because from what I've read in these forums they carry as much emotional baggage as any divorced or separated individual."

I so don't disagree with that statement. I see no point in dating anyone with baggage. Either they have healed from their past or they haven't. There are just as many people who have moved on past their baggage as people who haven't.
 Happy Dude 63
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 100
Separated vs Divorced: m,The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/28/2012 3:16:42 AM
I want to date a lady who is ready 100% to move on. But we all carry some past 'baggage'. Or something from previous relationships. Some people handle it better then others.
If we have legal baggage. Like still married or only separated then there is an added burden of possible complications.

I think anyone over the age of say 30, would have had a serious relationship that has left memories and a history for them. Good or bad. That is fine.

My thought is the true healing time it takes to go past legally together and truly free of each other.
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