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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!      Home login  
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 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 101
Separated vs Divorced: m,The truth will set you free!Page 5 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

Fear seems to be the dominant emotion on this site; 'without hope and courage to venture there can be no gain'.


Really nothing to do with fear, it simple common sense.. Take care of your unfinished business and then after that, you can seriously entertain the idea of welcoming another into your life..

Who fears a separated man? I just have no interest in someone that is still legally married and has not moved on..
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 102
Separated vs Divorced: m,The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/28/2012 6:55:41 AM
Fear seems to be the dominant emotion on this site; 'without hope and courage to venture there can be no gain'.

bwahaha!
OMG! Is that how you hope to get dates ... Challenging women to a game of "chicken?"

I don't "fear" smokers, overweight people, or drug users; I just don't care to have the complications of THEIR lives in MY life!

I also would not date a guy (single, separated OR divorced) who attempted to intimidate me into behaving in a way he desired by belittling me emotionally.

EDIT:

because #1) he knew that his mentally-ill ex, would create drama.
Dang! Did you ever notice how many "separated" guys there are with deranged wives?
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 103
Separated vs Divorced: m,The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/28/2012 8:44:40 AM

OMG! Is that how you hope to get dates ... Challenging women to a game of "chicken?"


How about it Kayla. Pick you up at 7:00?

I'm not sure how a game of chicken is played. Maybe you can show me.

Is that where two people run towards each other in a field of flowers until one of them ducks out of the way at the last second? Awesome.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 104
Separated vs Divorced: m,The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/28/2012 10:04:16 AM

How about it Kayla. Pick you up at 7:00?


Sorry! Too late for the early bird special.

Is that where two people run towards each other in a field of flowers until one of them ducks out of the way at the last second? Awesome.


Uhoh. Watch out. I have practice. While growing up, one of our horses (an Appie) would charge when you entered the pasture and you'd have to stand your ground 'til he veered off at the last second!
 Sticks70
Joined: 10/4/2011
Msg: 105
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/28/2012 11:29:29 AM
First off, let me say that I haven't read each and every post here, but have quickly skimmed them. I am picking up that women seem to be the ones who have an issue with dating a 'separated' man, and the men seem to be more tolerant of this.

I guess I am in the minority. I would not discount dating a man who is separated. Of course, in order to build a serious relationship the emotional issues that linger after a relationship break down would have to have been resolved. The simple fact that the 'paperwork' was not finalized means absolutley nothing to me. It is only paper, it has zero to do with the emotional strength of the person.

In fact, most of the separated men that I have met, and many of my separated friends never bother to actually divorce the spouse. There are practical reasons for this. Here in Ontario (maybe all across Canada, I don't know) the parties to the marriage must live separate and apart for 1 full year prior to filing divorce papers. That is a long time. And in that year, there may have been a separation agreement drawn up between them that covers the basics of finances, access to the kids, and other major points. Life goes on as status quo, and when the 1 year mark arrives what is the point in going through the legal expense, losing all medical and dental benefits from the fomer spouse ?

It actually makes more practical sense to continue to be married on paper. The only logical reason that I can see for finalizing the divorce process is if one of the parties wants to get re-married.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 106
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/28/2012 12:04:28 PM

It is only paper, it has zero to do with the emotional strength of the person.

I agree with you 100%. And it seems odd to me that so many that claim "marriage is only a piece of paper" suddenly think there is something magical about the piece of paper that claims you're now divorced.
 Sticks70
Joined: 10/4/2011
Msg: 107
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/28/2012 12:21:07 PM
exactly Janet!
I too think that marriage is just a piece of paper. It is an ancient ritual that doesn't have any valid place in our modern society. Co-habitation holds almost the same legal ramifications as marriage.

Separation vs.divorce is also legally similar. ( Although there is no thing as a legal separation here). I have been told by many a lawyer friend that a divorce and/or separation agreement is only as good as the parties that are bound to it. Certain aspects of the agreement can be opened and revisited at anytime. So nothing is really ever 'final' legally.

aaah, sometimes I wonder if I am just too logical for my own good.
 Happy Dude 63
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 108
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/28/2012 2:37:42 PM
its only a piece of paper?

I will extremely disagree. It is only a piece of paper when you get married,separated or divorced making it legal.
What makes it a true emotional bond is your word with hers.
But we have developed steps that take us all through a process to declare our status. Married, single or divorced.

I would not want to be with a lady heading towards a serious relationship that did not cut her 'paper' ties with her ex.

I am right now 100% ready to enter into a complete partnership. I would want her to be as well. I think you need as much real closer as possible to move on in a healthy way. Paperwork is part of that closer.

Now I am not saying separated dating for those who accept it cant work. But for me it would be difficult.
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 109
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Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/28/2012 2:56:33 PM

Co-habitation holds almost the same legal ramifications as marriage.


this is entirely dependent on jurisdiction - just like with separation v. divorce.

i don't remember which state this couple lived in, but a net acquaintance experienced the death of her common-law husband with whom she had one child and another was on the way. his family did not approve of their relationship and put up many, MANY roadblocks to her survivor rights, and went so far as to claim that the children were not his and not entitled to inherit anything.

it was a nightmare for this woman.

"almost" the same legal implications might cut it in Ontario, but that doesn't apply elsewhere.
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 110
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/28/2012 4:27:18 PM
These boards are really crazy, no matter which subject, there are hundreds of threads dictating why people will not date other people. There is no difference between the legally separated and the divorced because by the time people have decided to divorce, generally the woman doing the deciding, the marriage has been long over in everything but name. The separated are just as likely to be ready for a new attachment as the recently divorced or the long divorced. Additionally, some states require a lengthy separation period before granting a no-fault divorce. Some States you can be divorced almost immediately, so oftentimes whether a person is separated or not is simply a function of the jurisdiction of where the person lives.

I don't understand why so many of you are here looking for relationships when it is so clear you are not going to find a long term relationship based on your attitudes and outlooks. Many of you act like there are truly plenty of fish in the sea, but if that's really true, why are so many of you still looking? I mean, on the Relationship thread was a post authored by a Narcissist who actually berated a guy and compared him to other possible dates because he was not a good cook. And many of course chimed in and agreed that, yep . . it was a deal breaker. Why not simply try not prejudging all situations, go out on dates and see if you click together. Isn't that better than all of this other stuff.

There may be plenty of fish out there and most of you are not going to connect with most of them. But if you don't give yourself a chance, there is no possibility of your connecting. You know, through more than 25 years of marriage I have at times wondered whether I was missing out on the "single life", thinking to myself how going out and dating new people would be exciting. After hanging around these boards, that thought has been quickly distilled from my mind.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 111
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/28/2012 4:59:21 PM
You know, through more than 25 years of marriage I have at times wondered whether I was missing out on the "single life", thinking to myself how going out and dating new people would be exciting. After hanging around these boards, that thought has been quickly distilled from my mind.


You sound just as delirious as people who rant, rave, seethe, offer their opinions and valuable (unsolicited) insights about what other people write in their profiles.

You have been married (and, presumably, "not looking" - though I do have to say the "wondering about missing out" seems off ) for 25 years. Why let the shenanigans of a bunch of single web site cruisers get under your skin so much?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 112
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/28/2012 6:31:17 PM

Dang! Did you ever notice how many "separated" guys there are with deranged wives?

and do you find yourself wondering whether this alleged derangement is a cause or an effect?


My only "objection" are those who feel the need to treat separated people as though they are some sort of leper.

I don't think that is the intent-it is just that since the advent of online dating sites, there are so many people(particularly men,or so I hear) who claim "separated" when in actuality the separation is that she's in the living room and he's in the den. Unfortunately a lot of women come into online dating not being aware enough to take new dating situations with a grain of salt-and they get hurt. Then their anger spills onto ALL separated men.


there are hundreds of threads dictating why people will not date other people.

Dictating? Most people are giving their OPINION. They may relate a bad personal experience with dating one category or other of the opposite gender(or the same gender if so inclined.) Some may want to share their eexperiences and thoughts in the interest of cautioning(and hopefully helping) other people. I don't see all that much dictatorial commentary.


I don't understand why so many of you are here looking for relationships when it is so clear you are not going to find a long term relationship based on your attitudes and outlooks. Many of you act like there are truly plenty of fish in the sea, but if that's really true, why are so many of you still looking?


Because we believe in finding someone who is really right for and with us...some of us have actually HAD excellent marriages or LTRs that ended due to the partners' death. If we don't find a relationship that we feel really RIGHT with, then we are fine with continuing to be unpartnered.

Yanno, while I recognize that our members/forumites who are in committed relationships or marriages have valuable input to share, I also have to make the observation that when my late DH was still alive, the discussion forums I enjoyed participating in were not related to dating sites. I don't guess I'd have even DREAMED of looking for forums that discuss dating,etc.
Yes, I am well aware that PoF also has forums related to topics that are NOT about dating and relationships. I also understand about our forum participants who have made a connection with someone special but retain membership for forums, friends, keeping up with PoF events,etc. But sometimes I just have trouble understanding why someone professing to be solidly married signs up to PoF and heads for the forums that discuss the various sociosexual interactions. It is not my intent to disrespect those folks,or anyone else, but I'm admitting that I can't always hel but wonder...


You know, through more than 25 years of marriage I have at times wondered whether I was missing out on the "single life", thinking to myself how going out and dating new people would be exciting.

I don't believe I ever wondered or thought any of those things.


You have been married (and, presumably, "not looking" - though I do have to say the "wondering about missing out" seems off ) for 25 years. Why let the shenanigans of a bunch of single web site cruisers get under your skin so much?

Good question.
Cindy O
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 113
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/29/2012 6:56:25 AM
There have clearly been times that i wish i were single, most often when i am out with my male friends, slightly inebriated, and good looking women are showing clear interest. Now i've never taken any of them up on it, but i'm only human. Sorry. Atleast i am up front about my marital status.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 114
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/29/2012 7:02:05 AM
Someone in the forums said: fish w/ a hook, not a net, a very good statement!
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 115
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/30/2012 1:13:21 PM
janet always

"When you are "legally separated" you no longer have rights to assets or debts not specified in the legal separation agreement. You file taxes as a single person, and your property and assets are no longer at risk. This is "why" people do a legal separation while waiting for a divorce."

it varies from state to state in the US...but if you aren't divorced and your spouse dies, yeah, you are going to most likely be the beneficiary of the life insurance policies, and you will most likely inherit their estate unless some changes had been made prior to the death. as for divorce, you can also do a thing called biforcation, where you get the divorce finalized and settle the estate later.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 116
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/30/2012 1:29:24 PM
soicat~

"Relationships start out with sex for men, but when we fall in love we're you're captives. You are, by far, the more cold-blooded and calculating sex. We're like children by comparison. And we're always at risk of falling victim to your charms - women get by splendidly without men, we're mostly miserable without women."

i don't know. i think a man in love is definitely a force to behold, as there is no obstacle too great that could ever keep him from the woman he loves. that being said, men are so driven by sex that they are easily distracted by "shiny objects." i do agree that women are far more calculating in general, and trust me, as a woman i often find myself apologizing to some poor man whose been treated brutally by someone of my gender. if you guys only knew....women are far meaner to other women, and i can count on one hand the number of women i could honestly say were my loyal friends. most women are hell bent on competing with other women, even with their so called girl friends, and some women see it as some sort of personal affirmation when they hook up with another woman's husband or boyfriend - which is really sick, imo. i think the thought process is..."if he chooses me over her then i must be prettier than she is..." etc.. but i don't date women (ugh! thank god!), and as much as women perplex me, i find men to be just as difficult to deal with for other reasons. all the weirdness about relationships, the fear of love and intimacy, and more then anything else, men sure are fickle - all of which makes it difficult to feel "safe" opening up to a man. at least when a woman falls in love it has some teeth. men seem to fall in and out of love upon the slimmest of whims.
 2010JustMe
Joined: 4/11/2010
Msg: 117
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/30/2012 1:44:53 PM
sounds to me like your a gold digger. Probably why men dump you and why your seperated....
 zookie57
Joined: 1/27/2012
Msg: 118
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/30/2012 5:24:50 PM

its only a piece of paper?

I will extremely disagree. It is only a piece of paper when you get married,separated or divorced making it legal.
What makes it a true emotional bond is your word with hers.
But we have developed steps that take us all through a process to declare our status. Married, single or divorced.



Yes, as many of the replies here is more then not, just a play on words, only dealing with their present emotions, nothing more. As if they are still seething over the break up,etc.
But yet,they sound as if,they don't care at the same time in where all assets go,& to who in the same breath! hello

But monetary hummm, now what does that go under in "it's still just only paper" not very far unless you want to give it all to him or her. Then , if you don't have half a brain & don't care, cuz your emotional crappo la has you hoodwinked into a coma,then its really is only paper with you left holding the empty bag....

Yet , legally when it gets down in dividing all the assets accumulated, it is VERY LEGAL!!! lol And rightly & legally so, for all who were in any kind of legal,by lawful relationship.
Bottom line, I or you may not like it at the time,but still can appreciate the legal system here in whats fair & right....

So to those who still are ranting,or gave it all away cuz you pissed, you get or don't get what you deserve..sorry as experience hopefully will teach you better next time. around....
 janiceangel
Joined: 12/10/2011
Msg: 119
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/31/2012 10:25:57 AM
That is so funny!!!!! Maybe you had to safe the money to do the divorce or you had to make the time to file it yourself with0ut a attorney and guess what Legal Aide now cost money go figure.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 120
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/31/2012 10:54:47 AM

women are far meaner to other women, and i can count on one hand the number of women i could honestly say were my loyal friends. most women are hell bent on competing with other women, even with their so called girl friends, and some women see it as some sort of personal affirmation when they hook up with another woman's husband or boyfriend -


Wow just what kind of women do you know? Good grief I have a whole lot of women friends that I trust completely.. I honestly do not know women like you have described.. Not that they do not exist but I guess I do not normally gravitate towards those that are so desperate they would hook up with one of their friend's husband or boyfriend.. hmmm
 Dani156
Joined: 6/29/2012
Msg: 121
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/1/2012 5:45:20 AM
"There may be plenty of fish out there and most of you are not going to connect with most of them. But if you don't give yourself a chance, there is no possibility of your connecting. You know, through more than 25 years of marriage I have at times wondered whether I was missing out on the "single life", thinking to myself how going out and dating new people would be exciting. After hanging around these boards, that thought has been quickly distilled from my mind"

I couldn't agree with you more,I don't exclude any guys because of a label like this. BUT it is a red flag because I have learned that so many on these sites are truly still TOTALLY married when they SAY they are separated. Red flag to me just means I need to pay close attention when I meet him. You need to meet the person,get to know the person before you can decide anything in my book.

I would give just about anything to be in your place,25 years of marriage,and OFF here.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 122
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/1/2012 6:28:04 AM

Red flag to me just means I need to pay close attention when I meet him.

You should ALWAYS do this... red flag, separated, divorced, single, whatever.

In my experience, it's not way they say on profiles that are the deal breakers, it's what they DON'T say.
 Dani156
Joined: 6/29/2012
Msg: 123
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/1/2012 6:59:24 AM
^^^^^ Totally agree and do...words are words....you don't know until you meet. For me it's both, what they say AND what they don't say, the words will stick with me and then I watch the actions. I am just so ready to be done with all this.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 124
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/1/2012 8:07:37 AM
""There may be plenty of fish out there and most of you are not going to connect with most of them. But if you don't give yourself a chance, there is no possibility of your connecting. ""

I have to agree with this. I've seen threads started by people who won't date or see red flags in someone separated, widowed, multi divorced, never married, won't read books, doesn't cook, has children, has no children, fat, skinny, bald, likes hunting and fishing, no college education, too educated, not wealthy enough, has no medical insurance, has herpes, likes porn, smokes, drinks, recovering alchoholics, recovering drug addicts, folks with criminal records, too tall, not tall enough, won't live with someone again, doesn't like sex, won't date a guy who has to use viagra and on and on. There are cautions but then there are the folks that build walls around themselves and I don't know if it's to keep the undesirable out or to keep themselves in a tiny box being afraid to venture forth.

And yes, I have my own red flags - I don't want someone multi divorced. I'll admit it. To me, and to me alone, it shows poor judgment or that they are a loser if they've just had their 3rd divorce. Just me...my opinion. As for separated, I've dated a few and don't find it a problem as long as they are truly separated and well on the way to divorce.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 125
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/1/2012 9:05:31 AM

And yes, I have my own red flags - I don't want someone multi divorced. I'll admit it. To me, and to me alone, it shows poor judgment or that they are a loser if they've just had their 3rd divorce. Just me...my opinion. As for separated, I've dated a few and don't find it a problem as long as they are truly separated and well on the way to divorce.


I probably would not date him either.. However my own dad was married 5 times and the last time was the best.. It lasted 40 years and he passed away while still happily married to her. It took him 4 mistakes to find that right woman that was as much of a bull in a China shop that he was.. Let's say they locked horns forever.. lol
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