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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Dani156
Joined: 6/29/2012
Msg: 126
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!Page 6 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
^^^^^ Are you saying, "we",as in the ones you mentioned, are "building walls"? I don't think so.
 Dani156
Joined: 6/29/2012
Msg: 127
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/1/2012 1:55:47 PM
Ok I am fairly new to all of this and this will show my naivety but a "red flag" = something you would never do at all, no matter what? I think I am trying to say it is a "yellow flag". Separated is a caution for me,it depends on what is going on. Not much is truly a RED flag, absolutely NO GO for me. I have to chat,talk get to know him. He needs to be somewhat like me,have some of the same interests,want the same things in life.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 128
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/1/2012 2:04:34 PM
Everyone has their walls. If you say "I don't think so" "I can't do that" "I won't put up with that" "he/she is not ____" "he/she is too____for me" "I'm better than that" "I can't deal with that" or anything remotely close to any of those - you build a wall.

Unless we let go of some of our preconceived ideas and stick a toe in to the water....we just stay in our little fortress. Then we say stuff like "I'm content on my own" "I don't need anybody in my life" "I'm independent and don't need you", etc. While we're out there looking for Mr./Ms. Perfect we are passing by a ton of great people and the pond gets smaller as we get older. I'm not saying you have to settle but if you don't give a person a chance - you'll never know, they might just surprise you and turn into your Mr./Ms. Perfect.

Maybe try. Go meet some of these folks that you once thought were to short, too fat, too bald, too old, too young, never married, has kids at home, widowed, never married, and on and on.

So, yes, we build walls. All of us have. It's just that some of us are willing to open the door a crack while some aren't.
 Dani156
Joined: 6/29/2012
Msg: 129
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/1/2012 2:22:17 PM
Ok,so what is the difference between "building walls" and learning from experience? HA....not that I have much experience!!! I do have life experience and unlike a 20 year old I know there are some things I need. BUT on the other hand,I don't think I would exclude myself from meeting someone because I had a concern or two. Nothing and no one is perfect.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 130
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/1/2012 2:39:27 PM
There are two recent threads started in Relationships, both by people our age. One thread was about dating someone who didn't read, the poster read for pleasure but her boyfriend didn't. She saw this as a dealbreaker...as did others. The other thread was regarding dating a man who doesn't cook, to her that was a dealbreaker. So dealbreaker, red flag, call it what you will - when I read these two threads my opinion was that these two women posters were stupid. So yes, there are stupid people out there putting up stupid walls. Then there are those that are cautious or haven't had much experience in dating since their 20's and are taking it slow - I get that. But there is a big difference between cautious or wary and plain old stupid. JMO.

There's the old saying "try it, you'll like it", maybe or maybe not but you won't know until you try. And there are folks on here that make a big jump, for example, one bad date with a separated guy to "all separated guys are pigs". Geez. Again, stupid.

Go out, have fun and see what's out there. Get out of your comfort zone. Add a little spice.
 Dani156
Joined: 6/29/2012
Msg: 131
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/1/2012 2:47:33 PM
welsh474...agree very much so.
 EG63
Joined: 1/13/2010
Msg: 132
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/1/2012 9:05:43 PM
Thank you to all the folks who have posted on this thread, it was very insightful reading all the different opinions on the subject of separation. A few doubts remain in my mind after having confirmation that most of my thinking about separated men and dating are correct.

- Why a man who wants to cheat on his spouse would claim to be separated, thus have to explain the whys, how long, ifs and buts to the potential "prey" and not just claim to be single or divorced? Apparently separated man = red flags galore, so stating such a status to get into a woman pants doesn't make sense, does it?

- While is true that some separated people go back to their spouses, that holds true also for boyfriends/girlfriends who go back to their previous partners leaving out in the cold the newest conquered hearts; it is true for divorced people who go back to their divorced partners, sometimes more than once, leaving behind a trail of broken hearts. So why only the separated ones get the heat?

I find it amusing when I see people state separated=married no matter the circumstances. Makes me wonder what marriage really means to them, what is their interpretation of the union that marriage is supposed to be. Evidently they are more concerned about the form than the substance. It is amazing to see how many people even in midlife still act and reason like teenagers or inexperienced 20 something.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 133
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/1/2012 9:14:22 PM

I find it amusing when I see people state separated=married no matter the circumstances. Makes me wonder what marriage really means to them, what is their interpretation of the union that marriage is supposed to be. Evidently they are more concerned about the form than the substance. It is amazing to see how many people even in midlife still act and reason like teenagers or inexperienced 20 something.

I am not interested in someone that is separated. This doesn't mean I have no clue what a marriage is. My longest term relationship was back in the day when common-law was still recognized and I didn't need a piece of paper to know where my heart/head/body resided and who those things belonged to. Today? I want what I offer. And that? That means my legal ducks are in a row. I don't care if someone's been separated 10 or more years. I don't care if they live 3000 miles apart. There's NO logical reason to remain married to a person for that long other than either laziness, skirting around insurance or no insurance or something as simple as the filing fee for a divorce. If someone's been separated long enough that they don't know where their spouse is? Get an attorney, file the notice in the local paper of the last known address and get on with it. If it's a financial issue? Reach an agreement. If it's about insurance? Do what the rest of us do and get your own policy. All the excuses in the world mean nothing to me. I want someone who's on top of their life and that includes getting a divorce when the marriage is over. Pretty simple concept in my mind. JMO
 soicat
Joined: 7/16/2012
Msg: 134
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/1/2012 11:55:37 PM

i don't know. i think a man in love is definitely a force to behold, as there is no obstacle too great that could ever keep him from the woman he loves. that being said, men are so driven by sex that they are easily distracted by "shiny objects." i do agree that women are far more calculating in general, and trust me, as a woman i often find myself apologizing to some poor man whose been treated brutally by someone of my gender. if you guys only knew....women are far meaner to other women, and i can count on one hand the number of women i could honestly say were my loyal friends. most women are hell bent on competing with other women, even with their so called girl friends, and some women see it as some sort of personal affirmation when they hook up with another woman's husband or boyfriend - which is really sick, imo. i think the thought process is..."if he chooses me over her then i must be prettier than she is..." etc.. but i don't date women (ugh! thank god!), and as much as women perplex me, i find men to be just as difficult to deal with for other reasons. all the weirdness about relationships, the fear of love and intimacy, and more then anything else, men sure are fickle - all of which makes it difficult to feel "safe" opening up to a man. at least when a woman falls in love it has some teeth. men seem to fall in and out of love upon the slimmest of whims.


Larissan - I pretty much agree with this.

But when I am truly smitten I'm really not distracted by "shiny objects." I honestly have no interest in other women, because I realize that what I enjoy with the object of my affections is the highest thing to which I can aspire.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 135
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 5:40:28 AM
I find it amusing when I see people state separated=married no matter the circumstances. Makes me wonder what marriage really means to them, what is their interpretation of the union that marriage is supposed to be. Evidently they are more concerned about the form than the substance.


Here's an idea ... Try getting married again while you are "separated."
Whilst you are being prosecuted for bigamy, perhaps you can ask the DA to explain the concept of "form versus substance."



P.S. As your defence, tell the midlife DA that s/he "is acting and reasoning like a teenager or inexperienced 20 something."
I'm sure they will take your astute and epiphanic observations under consideration.

 EG63
Joined: 1/13/2010
Msg: 136
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 6:16:32 AM
Verygreeneyez

- Cool, you are not interested in someone who is separated and that is your preference. Someone else might not be interested in too tall or too short, too fat or too skinny, too this or too that but we don't get to dictate who of those people is eligible to date or not, do we?
- Nowhere I said that people with your mindset have no clue on what marriage is or is supposed to be, that is your own personal interpretation.
- You need common-law or a piece of paper to know where your heart/head/body reside and who those things belong to? Are you serious? Isn't yours a slam dunk case of form vs. substance?
- A woman with a serious pre-existing medical condition, maybe acquired by simply giving birth, hasn't a logical reason for staying under the ex husband medical insurance? Really!?
- A man with an ex wife with a serious pre-existing medical condition, maybe acquired by simply giving birth, hasn't a logical reason to keep the ex wife signed up in his medical insurance? Really!?
- In my State the law requires a period of one year and one day before one can file for divorce. Filing for and obtaining a divorce put also an end to all claims for your rights, so it is wise to have all your legal ducks in a row before filing for it and, as in my case, it might take years to have your case heard in family court. The sheer number of pending cases is just stunning but I guess it is my laziness that prevent me to move forward and be on top of my life.

Anyway, I'm glad life is such a very simple concept in your mind. :-)
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 137
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 6:26:55 AM
In my case I kept my ex-husband on MY insurance, but I was a full-time employee and he was self-employed. All our finances were separated, he bought my share of the home and removed my name, cars, credit cards, everything was spelled out and signed by us both.

He had a couple of pre-existing issues that would have made it very expensive and because he had to refinance our home and increase his monthly mortgage in order to keep it, I offered to keep him on my insurance for at least one year. It ended up being three. When I lost my job and returned to self-employment we finalized the divorce. The papers were all ready, they just needed to be dated and filed.

No drama. No court battles.

I never had anyone refuse to date me during that time. The forum posters opinions vs. my experience in real life vary greatly.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 138
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 8:31:02 AM
Verygreeneyez

- Cool, you are not interested in someone who is separated and that is your preference. Someone else might not be interested in too tall or too short, too fat or too skinny, too this or too that but we don't get to dictate who of those people is eligible to date or not, do we?

I don't know about you, but I most certainly do dictate who is or is not "eligible" to date me. If they are legally married to someone else? They aren't "eligible" to date me, or should that be, I'm not eligible to date them? Hmmm. Either way? I most certainly DO dictate who's eligible.

- Nowhere I said that people with your mindset have no clue on what marriage is or is supposed to be, that is your own personal interpretation.

You didn't? I'm sorry, I must have totally misread this:

EG63
I find it amusing when I see people state separated=married no matter the circumstances. Makes me wonder what marriage really means to them, what is their interpretation of the union that marriage is supposed to be. Evidently they are more concerned about the form than the substance. It is amazing to see how many people even in midlife still act and reason like teenagers or inexperienced 20 something.

Maybe you're right. You didn't say some of us have no clue (exactly), you said we're like teenagers or inexperienced 20-somethings. My mistake.

- You need common-law or a piece of paper to know where your heart/head/body reside and who those things belong to? Are you serious? Isn't yours a slam dunk case of form vs. substance?

No, I stated my longest relationship happened when common law was still in existence in this state. I said also? That I didn't need a piece of paper. (And I've also had a piece of paper saying I was legally bound to someone and when that relationship ended, guess what? We divorced. Crazy, huh?)

- A woman with a serious pre-existing medical condition, maybe acquired by simply giving birth, hasn't a logical reason for staying under the ex husband medical insurance? Really!?

If a medical condition is THAT serious? There are state and federal options for her to be covered for medical purposes. If one is so ill they are "disabled"? There's also disability insurance available to that person. And the new law in this country so many are up in arms over? "Obamacare"?? Provides that no one be denied insurance based upon a pre-existing condition, granted, this will not take effect for persons over 19, until 2014, but here's the law:

In 2010, Obamacare made it illegal for insurance companies to deny coverage to children under the age of 19 based on a pre-existing condition. In 2014, insurance companies cannot refuse to sell coverage or renew policies to anyone based on a pre-existing condition.

SEC. 2705 [42 U.S.C. 300gg–4]. PROHIBITING DISCRIMINATION AGAINST INDIVIDUAL PARTICIPANTS AND BENE- FICIARIES BASED ON HEALTH STATUS.
‘‘(a) IN GENERAL.—A group health plan and a health insurance issuer offering group or individual health insurance coverage may not establish rules for eligibility (including continued eligibility) of any individual to enroll under the terms of the plan or coverage based on any of the following health status-related factors in relation to the individual or a dependent of the individual:
‘‘(1) Health status.
‘‘(2) Medical condition (including both physical and mental illnesses).
‘‘(3) Claims experience.
‘‘(4) Receipt of health care.
‘‘(5) Medical history.
‘‘(6) Genetic information.
‘‘(7) Evidence of insurability (including conditions arising out of acts of domestic violence).
‘‘(8) Disability.
‘‘(9) Any other health status-related factor determined appropriate by the Secretary.

Not much longer will that be an excuse to not divorce.

- In my State the law requires a period of one year and one day before one can file for divorce. Filing for and obtaining a divorce put also an end to all claims for your rights, so it is wise to have all your legal ducks in a row before filing for it and, as in my case, it might take years to have your case heard in family court. The sheer number of pending cases is just stunning but I guess it is my laziness that prevent me to move forward and be on top of my life.

Your state is a no-fault state which means that after one year and one day, you can get your divorce and it does not take years to get on the docket (I looked in Westlaw ~ your dockets aren't that crowded.)

According to NC no-fault divorce laws, one can get divorce on the basis of no-fault grounds where the marriage is supposedly to be “irretrievably broken down” due to “incompatibility” and also, the spouse must have been leading a separated period away from each other (not in separate rooms in the same house) for a year and a day. No-fault divorce laws also specify that while leaving the house one spouse must have decided to end the marriage, even if the other was not willing to do so. Marital relationship between the spouses must not have resumed during that period. NC no-fault divorce laws also state that isolated cases of sexual relationships would not affect the divorce procedure and divorce would be granted on the basis of the separation.

The other ground of divorce in North Carolina is if a spouse has some mental insanity and the spouses have been living separate from each other for the last three years owing to that. The spouse who is not insane can then file the divorce and terminate the marriage.

What's really cool in NC? Ex-sex is permissible. Now that in and of itself was worth my reading this morning. You can be legally separated and having sex and your Courts do not consider that a "reconciliation." (I could care less who's having ex-sex or separated-sex or sex at all, but the fact your state actually addresses that in law ~ that's strangely interesting to me.)

Anyway, I'm glad life is such a very simple concept in your mind. :-)

The truth??? We aren't talking about "life" here, we're talking about divorce. That can also be as simple or as complicated as one chooses to make it. (And why did I even bother to respond to your snarky post to me? Because I've spent 6 years in here reading the same excuses over and over and over and over and over yet again on this topic. But the actual truth is? Every excuse has a remedy if one truly wishes to have a remedy. The great thing about all of this? You need not give a ratz azz about what I think. You only need to worry about those who aren't opposed to dating someone who's not single. And I'm certain there are plenty out there who'd not care at all. There are plenty that don't even care if someone is NOT separated and still married. Some find ALL people "eligible." And that's the glory in "dictating" who's eligible or who isn't. Personal preferences.) Happy fishing.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 139
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 9:36:13 AM
""He had a couple of pre-existing issues that would have made it very expensive and because he had to refinance our home and increase his monthly mortgage in order to keep it, I offered to keep him on my insurance for at least one year. It ended up being three. When I lost my job and returned to self-employment we finalized the divorce. The papers were all ready, they just needed to be dated and filed.""

This seems like a mature and humane way of looking at things. For some folks it's all black or white but some folks see the shades of grey and colour and are willing to adapt to what life sometimes throws us.

The wonderful thing about dating is that we all make choices.
 EG63
Joined: 1/13/2010
Msg: 140
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 10:33:47 AM
Very well!

Yes, you can dictate who dates YOU but you do not get to set that rule for the general population nor to point fingers and blast those who do not fit your parameters/requirements as you do in your comments. As I said, and you apparently agree, it is your personal choice not to date separated men and I think everybody agrees that your choice must be respected. Sorry, but the world does not revolve around you and you get to dictate only in your own back yard.

Thanks for bringing that article of law, now we know that:

- Starting in 2010 separated children 19 years or younger cannot be refused health insurance coverage based on pre-existing conditions, so no more excuses, excuses, excuses, they must get a divorce ASAP or stop dating immediately.

- Those above 19 years of age in need of care NOW, with medical treatments that might not be necessarily life saving but none the less very needed and expensive, can simply and happily wait and postpone treatment until 2014 so that Obama care will kick in, IF it will, so that they can get a divorce NOW and be rid of excuses, excuses, excuses. Don't you just feel better just thinking about it?

Divorce itself in NC is a pretty quick process, 1 year and 1 day of REAL separation is enough to file for it and it doesn't take that long to have it approved, stamped, sealed...whatever. Perhaps in the race to prove yourself right you forgot me mentioning of other aspects that need to be taken care of BEFORE one files for divorce or take the risk of loosing all rights after divorce is granted. I'll spell them out for you so we can have an understanding of what those "legal ducks in a row" means: Child Custody - Child Support - Equitable Distribution - Alimony. Those are the aspects of a divorce that someone with a solid mind need to take care of before a divorce is filed. Or be forever sorry.

Maybe you are better than me on consulting Westlaw and have a better understanding on why it took 20 months for my Equitable Distribution trial to be set on a court calendar as a BACKUP trial just in case the other trial for that day was settled outside the courtroom. Or why it took another 13 months after that to have it finally heard in court. Maybe we should ask the Judge what her EXCUSE was for that, shall we? After all Westlaw tells us the dockets aren't that full, does it?

The truth??? The truth is that WE ARE talking about life, divorce is a huge event in anyone life but you dismiss it as if it was like going to the hair dresser on a bad hair day or taking care of a chipped fingernail. Most of the times how long it takes for the legal process to complete is beyond our control, unless one has no children and no property. There are situations that mandate, as decent human beings, to hold off on taking certain actions as Janet Always so simply explained. Yet you feel the need and think have the right to tell those of us who are currently separated to place our life on hold, accusing us to bring just excuses, excuses, excuses for not getting divorced, like the situation is very appealing to us.

Like someone just stated, there is more in life than black and white, fortunately there are people that understand that and fortunately enough I'm not color blind. Happy fishing to you as well. :-)
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 141
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 10:56:47 AM
^^^ Good post and eloquently stated.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 142
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 11:50:06 AM

Yes, you can dictate who dates YOU but you do not get to set that rule for the general population nor to point fingers and blast those who do not fit your parameters/requirements as you do in your comments. As I said, and you apparently agree, it is your personal choice not to date separated men and I think everybody agrees that your choice must be respected. Sorry, but the world does not revolve around you and you get to dictate only in your own back yard.

My world does indeed revolve around me, just as yours revolves around you. And let's be straight here ~ you took my post personal, rather than what it was ~ what works for me. You jumped/blasted first, I simply responded.

Thanks for bringing that article of law, now we know that:

- Starting in 2010 separated children 19 years or younger cannot be refused health insurance coverage based on pre-existing conditions, so no more excuses, excuses, excuses, they must get a divorce ASAP or stop dating immediately.

- Those above 19 years of age in need of care NOW, with medical treatments that might not be necessarily life saving but none the less very needed and expensive, can simply and happily wait and postpone treatment until 2014 so that Obama care will kick in, IF it will, so that they can get a divorce NOW and be rid of excuses, excuses, excuses. Don't you just feel better just thinking about it?

Actually, I'd feel a whole lot better about it had my son lived long enough to be eligible for Obamacare, but that's my own issue. (And he and I weren't even married, but it would have been reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally nice for him to have had the benefits that are now available.)

Or why it took another 13 months after that to have it finally heard in court. Maybe we should ask the Judge what her EXCUSE was for that, shall we? After all Westlaw tells us the dockets aren't that full, does it?

I dunno. I looked, the dockets are public record. What was that Judge doing? You'd have to ask her.

The truth??? The truth is that WE ARE talking about life, divorce is a huge event in anyone life but you dismiss it as if it was like going to the hair dresser on a bad hair day or taking care of a chipped fingernail. Most of the times how long it takes for the legal process to complete is beyond our control, unless one has no children and no property. There are situations that mandate, as decent human beings, to hold off on taking certain actions as Janet Always so simply explained. Yet you feel the need and think have the right to tell those of us who are currently separated to place our life on hold, accusing us to bring just excuses, excuses, excuses for not getting divorced, like the situation is very appealing to us.

I have NO right to tell anyone how to live their life except myself. Yet, you feel you have the right to tell me I'm full of crap because I know for a fact, for every excuse there IS a remedy. Might not be tomorrow or next week, but it exists. And you're advocating for insurance fraud and that flatly irritates me personally. You are advocating that it's OK to lie, stating you are married, living as a married couple, yet you're out here trying to score your next spouse. Yeah, that's something that should not only get me up in arms, but everyone else here that pays into the US system or has the misfortune of paying egregious health care premiums because many are not honest about who's who and who's living where and why there are spouses on policies which are not truly spouses. All "nobility" aside? It's fraud and I help pay for it.

Like someone just stated, there is more in life than black and white, fortunately there are people that understand that and fortunately enough I'm not color blind. Happy fishing to you as well. :-)

Nothing in life is black or white. I don't think that's even been called into question. What you posted nastily to me is that I'm wrong. Well, you're right. I'm all sorts of wrong ~~ FOR YOU. This does not mean others would agree with you, me or the Tooth Fairy. You wanna talk about how you are doing something noble by fraudulently keeping someone insured? Fine, let's talk. You wanna blame me because I read/research for a living? Fine, not the first time. You wanna talk about life and living it honorably and honestly? Get a divorce, get her insurance of her own, pull up the big girl/boy panties and get on with it. Clearly, as you indicate, this is a pre-existing condition ~ who paid for her care before you rode in on the stallion? Who's gonna pay after that stallion dies, is buried and decomposed? Likely me, in part, because that's why I pay my taxes. For those who have not and need. That's REAL life.

~OT~ To each their own. I gave up retirement, health insurance, a second income and too many assets to cry over when I opted to be single 12 years ago. He took me for a financial ride. Why is that OK? It was OVER. Time for me to begin to live again, versus dying in a marriage that was lifeless. Do I understand those who opt to stay for their own reasons? Sure. Do I think it's noble for someone to commit fraud at my expense? Uhhhmmm...NO. That's why I pay taxes ~ so those without have a fair chance to have some sort of health benefits and for those who honestly need the assistance. But? To each their own. Nobility and honesty mean different things to different people. JMO
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 143
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 12:00:36 PM

And you're advocating for insurance fraud and that flatly irritates me personally.

Insurance fraud for keeping a spouse on insurance when you're separated? I don't know where you get your legal info from, but I personally walked down to HR and discussed this in detail BEFORE offering the extended separated status for him to stay on my policy. At the same time I changed my beneficiary on life insurance and 401k which required the spouses signature.

I'm fairly confident my company does not condone fraud. Nor do I.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 144
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 12:05:45 PM

Insurance fraud for keeping a spouse on insurance when you're separated?


If you are doing a legal separation instead of divorce so that you can maintain health insurance coverage check the policy language carefully. Some insurance companies include language which will cause coverage to lapse in the event of a legal separation. Be sure you are still covered, don’t take it for granted.
 EG63
Joined: 1/13/2010
Msg: 145
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 1:34:51 PM
Hi Richard

Yes, the tag is a preservative. Give up too much info online and you will find someone unknown at your doorstep.
I live in my own home alone when the kids aren't here, I own my car and I can pass any test a woman wants to put me through if I set my status to single, widowed or divorced. But then what? If you finally find a decent human being and the moment of truth comes knocking on your door as invariably happens, what will you tell her? Another lie to cover the first one? Lies got short legs, not worth losing someone special over it. You are right, separated people who are truly separated and so state in their profile are, in my opinion, the most sincere men out there.

Fakes are everywhere just like in normal life, absolutely, they come in all shapes and colors. There is a thread I saw today in which a woman dates a "separated" man who is still living with the supposed to be ex wife, just in an opposing part of the house (doghouse?). Then she finds out that he needs to stop seeing her because the "ex wife" told him to quit or get out. Talking about being gullible. Who got the heat? Separated men of course. Unbelievable!

Hi verygreeneyez

- I wouldn't consider your first comment to me, or any subsequent one for that matter, very friendly and you got answered in kind.
- I do not advocate any insurance fraud! The same insurance premium is still being payed by one of the spouses as it was before the separation. The insurance company isn't paid any less and you are not paying any more. On the contrary, if the spouse without health insurance because of divorce can't afford or can't be granted for any reason a new insurance and he/she get sick, guess who picks up the tab for the emergency room? Any honest and noble thoughts about that? You did not think that those state and local medical resources you mentioned before are free or provided by the tooth fairy, right?
- Of course there is a remedy for everything and with time everything gets taken care of, but don't ask me to wait one minute more than is necessary, I got one life and one life only and got no time to waste into the past.
- I'm sorry for what life has thrown at you, but for what you are telling me you are the poster child of how it doesn't matter how many years have passed since someone has separated or divorced, it's a personality and not a number situation. Some people heal their wounds faster than others.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 146
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 2:07:44 PM

If you are doing a legal separation instead of divorce so that you can maintain health insurance coverage check the policy language carefully. Some insurance companies include language which will cause coverage to lapse in the event of a legal separation. Be sure you are still covered, don’t take it for granted.

Exactly. Other than in: Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Maryland, Mississippi, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Texas do not recognize separations, be they a legal separation or not. In these states? You're pretty much on your own.

Insurance fraud for keeping a spouse on insurance when you're separated? I don't know where you get your legal info from, but I personally walked down to HR and discussed this in detail BEFORE offering the extended separated status for him to stay on my policy. At the same time I changed my beneficiary on life insurance and 401k which required the spouses signature.

I get my information just like everyone who's informed ~ via media I receive at my office or by researching.
As I've mentioned to you previously? CA is a rare state. The laws the govern there are not necessarily the
laws that the rest of us follow. If you wish to read about insurance and divorce, I had our Insurance
Specialist email me the following (keep in mind, this is NOT from me, rather from an Attorney who
specializes in prosecuting those who commit said fraud, by Federal Statutes, not by individual state, as those
laws are sole/separate. And this is not in legal verbiage, rather what anyone may
or may not understand given their individual skills.
http://www.ehow.com/how_6174959_remove-ex_husband-health-insurance.html
Due to the fact the poster above is not divorced, he's within his rights to keep his estranged wife on his policy. Well, assumably. Is it morally/ethically right? I don't know. I'd not feel good about it. There is COBRA
for those who are divorcing, so I can't understand the need for keeping someone insured when it's only
logical to separate lives, but that's just me. In his particular state? The date of legal separation
is the date the parties move apart and live separately. This means, by his state AND federal statutes,
he should have offered her COBRA options and she would move to her own sole/separate policy in time.
NOT doing so or NOT diclosing (such as you did) is fraud. I don't write the laws, I just read em and ponder
how/why my dollars support those who choose to act fraudulently or do not diligently take care of their own personal business at my (and YOUR) expense. Wanna be free and single? Take care of the business at hand ~ just as you did. You talked to HR. You tried to handle your legal situation to the best of your abilities at that time (is what I'm getting.) Yet, you seem to advocate for those who don't. **shrugs** We all have our "causes" and I think it's great that there are cheerleaders for the masses. I personally have issues with those who think they can insure the masses when our troops, our college students and our less fortunate are going without medical care, but that's just my soap-box. To each their own.

~OT~ Divorce, don't. Live together for infinity, or join a poly-household and live with multiple people. Makes no difference to me until I'm helping to pay your bills. And this? Coming from a Liberal. How funny. To each their own. JMO
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 147
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 2:10:49 PM
"- I'm sorry for what life has thrown at you, but for what you are telling me you are the poster child of how it doesn't matter how many years have passed since someone has separated or divorced, it's a personality and not a number situation. Some people heal their wounds faster than others." lol

We all make choices in who we date, one way is not better than the others. I tend to give some folks a little room, the benefit of the doubt until they prove me wrong. And if they fail to be truthful, it will come out. Again, it's the colour reference or the building of walls. And if someone has to bring up what happened 12 years ago and that is their only frame of reference...yup, the hold grudges and haven't healed. Everyone on here has been hurt in one way or another, some wear it on their sleeves for all the world to see and some just deal. I heal and deal and move on.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 148
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/2/2012 7:09:47 PM
OMG-
How in the HELL did this thread get over into insurance and COBRA issues??

Look...if for some reason a person is in process of dissolving their marriage, and are in a required waiting period, or have genuinely set up a LEGAL "married but living separately" arrangement, being TRUTHFUL about your status may reduce your dating pool. A lot of people just don't want to get into the middle of a marriage that is in dissolution process. Even if you haven't lived with your lawfully wedded but legally separated spouse for a decade, you are NOT free to marry someone else. Some people will not give a rats' rear end about that, others will. Lying about or mispresenting your legal marital status is WRONG.

Yes there may be an EXCELLENT reason why you cannot truthfully identify yourself as divorced-but people you are trying to date have the right to know that all the formalities of divorce have not been completed.
If you find that reduces the size ,or(supposed) quality of your dating pool-well, those are the breaks.
It does no good to get up on a soapbox, beat your chest, berate the people who chose to date only people who are officially and legally single. If being separated seems to be a huge hindrance to dating, and a source of discomfort, irritation, even angst-then perhaps its' decision time...do you want to continue whatever it is that keeps you from making your divorce official, or do you want hassle-free dating opportunities? You don't get to have it both ways, and if your solution is to LIE about your status, please be aware that this is PRECISELY the kind of behavior that makes so many people veer away from dating candidates who are not OFFICIALLY single.

Instead of helping to solve the problem you are just making it worse for not only yourself, but for every other person who cannot quickly and completely sever the marriage bond for whatever cause or reason.

TELL THE TRUTH about your marital status. You may have very good reasons for not being able to rapidly conclude and formally end your marriage,but there are single, dating -interested people whose personal values and/or past experiences inform their choice to eschew dating people who are not fully and officially disentangled from their most recent marriage.
To step back to the initial point made in the OT- why is this news? Why should someone get accolades because he decided to quit lying about his official marital status?


The point here being that honesty had saved me countless hours of explaination and frustration. And most of all created a reputation as honest.

Why does this need to be some pronouncement of a great and mighty revelation? Genuinely honest people don't need to be told about the "rewards" of honesty, and they don't give a minutes' thought to "creating a reputation as honest".
I don't know about anybody else-but I EXPECT to be told the truth-I don't give out "rewards" for honesty. If I find that I'm being treated with DIShonesty- I simply sever association with the dishonest person.


Interests have increased dramatically, and I still hold on to the honesty mindset. This mindset goes deeper than just a profile. It goes to the steps after the meeting. The goals, the deal breakers, the intentions. Always keep an interested person in the loop with what you are thinking and what you are hoping.


I'm sorry, but its' been my experience and observation that TRULY HONEST people don't need to make speeches about it.
Cindy O
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 149
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/3/2012 6:13:18 AM
"How in the HELL did this thread get over into insurance and COBRA issues??"

Because some people don't want to let other's have their own opinion, some folks need to be "right".

Everyone should tell the truth about their marital status. There is a fit for everyone, some won't mind if a person is separated while other's will. wtf cares. Find someone that fits you.
 willowgrrl
Joined: 5/26/2012
Msg: 150
Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 8/3/2012 1:49:40 PM
Janet_Always, I agree with you regarding men. The MYTH says they want to be fancy free but the reality is they are very very needy, and will go to extreme lenghts to attach to women. In my experience most women adore their independence and have to fight tooth and nail to keep it. We don't generally stalk, men do. We don't break down doors to get at men, they do, etc. etc. etc. So most of we who have lived, know that statistically it is men who need relationships. We have learned to do life on our own. Relationships are a nice option, when desired. Period.

Thanks for stating that. I get so tired of being put in the pursuer department when I have the police on speed dial, to keep the men from crawling in the windows to force me into their lives, unwanted.
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