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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Instant chemistry vs "slow burn"      Home login  
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 dragonfly-111
Joined: 7/10/2012
Msg: 56
Instant chemistry vs slow burnPage 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I truly believe that meeting a person after minor chit chat works for me.. I have had men who chat and chat and chat,,then its they are shy,,you only see them on here later in the night,Hmm I think they are bored, or something..lol... I have even had them say that there is no one who interests them except me..But if you mention a meeting or coffee or anything,,big excuses,,So meeting someone decifers true intent versus time killers.. When you meet after a few conversations you get a better feel for the person. I feel you will know if this person is what the profile reads or bull crap..its easy to write alot about yourself that isnt true,,but face to face you can read a person alot better..Maybe its my youthfully challenged age but like the old fashion way of holding a conversation, eye contact says alot. If they are speaking to you and looking everywhere else except you thats a huge message. I know pretty much if the person I just met is for me or not,,and worth the time to get to know them better.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 57
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 7/31/2012 9:59:51 AM

Sometimes instant chemistry leads to a bad explosion, slow burns have a lasting effect.


Never had instant chemistry lead to a bad explosion, however have seen it die on the vine after getting to know more about them. So someone who I might have been initially attracted to can become non attractive. However have not developed the opposite meaning if no initial chemistry was there it never developed. So now I go on instant chemistry and hope it grows to a raging fire after getting to know more about them.. so far it has not.
 sassafrass46
Joined: 6/12/2012
Msg: 58
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/3/2012 9:48:55 PM
Instant chemistry 1st you need a spark to start a fire. When I'm cold I want instant heat, I don't want to gather wood for two months and then try to start a fire and find we don't have any matches...lol
 RosehipsAlberta
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 59
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/7/2012 4:19:52 PM
Oh, I'll talk one slow burn, please.
Three reasons:
1. Psychologists will tell you that the greater the chemistry at the start, the bigger the "challenges" later on (gotta love that tactful word).
2. I was married for 15 years to a man who was a slow burn. Funny thing is that either/both sexual and emotional contact make the person "grow" on us. The guy who starts out looking really goofy-looking turns into a handsome prince after a couple of years together.
3. What makes a relationship work is how our mind and heart relates to the other person. This has little to do with chemistry, and everything to do with getting to know and appreciate who that other person is.
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 60
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Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/8/2012 9:33:35 AM
Sigh....I think I am tending to agree with Miss Rose! At my ripe old age, am learning that instant turn on fades after a time. You then get to deal with the aftermath. Instant turn on puts blinders on you at the moment in time. All too late, you suffer the consequences. I am thinking sure, a general attraction. Then, after you get to see how the man is on the inside, he automatically becomes more handsome on the outside if he treats your mind right...Am rambling here I think but hope it makes sense?
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 61
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/8/2012 10:14:00 AM
Instant turn-on, slow burn....haven't felt anything in a long, long time, not even a little smoke.....Maybe my there's something wrong with my "sensors"...lol


...mae
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 62
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/8/2012 11:12:21 AM


... try to start a fire and find we don't have any matches..


Matches ?... why would anyone use matches where friction builds a much greater and hotter fire ? Plus... with matches you don't get to feel the wood...
 raicor
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 63
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/10/2012 8:46:08 PM
let's see... instant chemistry is a flash fire and slow burn can damage the skin. wait, are we speaking of initial reaction, or the age old stance that "once i got to know them, i became more and more attracted."??? sure, rhetorical. for me it is either paralyzing fire or not. it appears when profiles state chemistry, the semantic definition of that is something i ask of when meeting the person. some are physical only and others are about initial attraction and building chemistry as a broader ideal.

as for the people who wish to meet me... you ever drive by a bus stop, look at the people and think, wow, where the f... does that bus go to. yes, i get the impression some people, both genders, see the meet me buttons much as the pavlovian dog. just an instant reaction. wonder if there were profiles of desserts only, how many people would be on that meet me list. :)
 purplepalooza
Joined: 8/17/2008
Msg: 64
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Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/14/2012 12:41:52 AM
i think people confuse attraction with chemistry. Attraction is that initial response to physical appearance. Chemistry is how well you get along, common interests, sense of humor, etc. That takes a bit of time to discover fully. I mean when you take into consideration first date jitters and all, a lot of people don't let themselves shine due to nerves or wheatever. Give people a chance, a couple of dates AT LEAST! No more a waste of time that it is to continue dating a person based solely on their looks, only to discover later that the chemistry isn't there afterall.....SAME DIFFERENCE.
 slee58
Joined: 12/25/2008
Msg: 65
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Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/14/2012 2:46:24 PM
Very well said. they are correct that you know immediately if there is a physical attraction. All of us have walked by or had someone walk by us and say or at least think, wow! what a doll. But you are right. If you don't want the hey baby what's up? Lets get together? than talk and walk the walk with some self respect and respect for others. We have become this computerized age and it all happens or not in a click of the mouse or the so called meet and greets. Sure not what I base a relationship prospect on. A night out with some people and enjoying yourself isn't against the law and we all as adults can do what we want but I leave it where I found it when it comes to my address and that's where the event is taking place. There wouldn't be enough attraction for me to accept a date because I for one don't buy it. Use it for what you want and be sincere. I am not saying you can't or won't find love here but say what you are looking for and act like it. You will find what you want if you look for what you want and not everything else in between. God, I hope this makes some sort of sense to you, I have confused myself LOL GOOD LUCK LADIES!
 scb19a
Joined: 5/22/2012
Msg: 66
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Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/14/2012 4:06:08 PM
Meet early-check each other out-and either continue or move on.
 ChocoMamicita123
Joined: 7/3/2012
Msg: 67
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/14/2012 4:10:36 PM
I didnt know we couldnt get both. Instant chemistry usually means it will last longer vs no chemsitry at all.
 HiHeelsLover
Joined: 7/13/2012
Msg: 68
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/14/2012 4:25:36 PM

I didnt know we couldnt get both. Instant chemistry usually means it will last longer vs no chemsitry at all.


For some reason people seem to think you cant. YOU can have both. A blazing fire that dies down to a smoldering to fire that dies when one of the two does. Works for me.
 EG63
Joined: 1/13/2010
Msg: 69
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/23/2012 4:42:59 AM

i think people confuse attraction with chemistry. Attraction is that initial response to physical appearance. Chemistry is how well you get along, common interests, sense of humor, etc. That takes a bit of time to discover fully. I mean when you take into consideration first date jitters and all, a lot of people don't let themselves shine due to nerves or wheatever. Give people a chance, a couple of dates AT LEAST! No more a waste of time that it is to continue dating a person based solely on their looks, only to discover later that the chemistry isn't there afterall.....SAME DIFFERENCE.


I think you got it absolutely right! I think a lot of people confuse chemistry with lust. When I read that someone can tell in the first 5-10 minutes of meeting a perfect stranger if there is chemistry or not, I think lust and deep physical attraction are the more appropriate words they should use. People past their 20's most likely have been burned to various degrees by the ista-a-passion or "chemistry" that raging hormones bring about, perhaps after a divorce or a broken relationship they are more cautious on let "chemistry" happen easily.

So I agree with purplepalooza, unless there are profound differences or someone has lied about themselves, give people a chance to shine. After all, you somewhat liked the pictures and profile of the person you decided to date, isn't your time better spent on getting to know that person rather than waste it on scouring 100's of other profiles?
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 70
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/23/2012 4:57:53 AM
They think Angelina Jolie will appear or they had you confused with someone else. I have had both of these scenarios occur.
 mjseek
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 71
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 8/23/2012 12:12:10 PM
Instant attraction is primal in nature. In the days of the butt naked knuckle draggers all one had to do was get close enough to their subject and sniff. The nose knows. Modern man on the other hand have come to relied so much on sight that it clouds ones judgement whereby the mind take over and become fixated to the point that the other senses (touch, taste, sound} get excited as well...this is commonly known as "LUST." If you haven't got close enough to smell it...there is no chemistry at play, on the other hand if you like what you see, hear, feel, and taste (in the form of a kiss) you have choose the slow-burn route attraction by committee. There is no instant chemistry in this day and age...we are not geared that way...we wear clothes!
 turnitover1959
Joined: 2/15/2013
Msg: 72
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 4/3/2013 6:53:02 PM
I won't go to these 20 min cups of coffee for "chemistry" How can someone size everyone up that quickly? I want a real date to see if I am capable of having fun with a date. Preferably more than one. To me chemistry sounds like instant gratifiation.
 Deepseaceecee
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 73
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 4/3/2013 7:02:31 PM
I agree that chemistry is usually instant but that is not to say we cant take it slowly if we are really interested. Sometimes the chemistry is all there is and basic compatibility is just not there. I sometimes feel an attraction and want to get to know someone even if it is not overwhelming, it can work out as you get to appreciate their finer qualities. Lust makes fools of all of us, is all I will say.

If someone does not want to meet for a coffee and a quick meeting initially, then I wont bother with a laborious lunch date where we wont hit if off more than likely and we are bored and cant wait for it all to end. Having to work out who pays for what is awkward and men get resentful when they are left with the cheque and no further contact will be made.
 zelig77
Joined: 2/7/2013
Msg: 74
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 4/4/2013 8:11:40 AM

I won't go to these 20 min cups of coffee for "chemistry" How can someone size everyone up that quickly? I want a real date to see if I am capable of having fun with a date. Preferably more than one. To me chemistry sounds like instant gratifiation.



I have gone on those 20 minute thumbs up or down meets (I guess I'm a person who tries to be open to possibilities as much as possible if the person I'm communicating with interests me) but I will say in general I've had better outcomes when the first get-together is less of a quick evaluation and more of a 'I'm already intrigued with this person and am excited to spend some time getting to know them' experience.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 75
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 4/4/2013 4:48:16 PM
As I look at profile after profile that states the need for a quick meet to see if there is chemistry , I wonder . That is the same thing people did in the bars looking for one night stands . They basically took the old bar room mentality and shifted it over to the online dating , I think it is very humorous . I wonder about these interest signals women send that never even look at your profile . Those and the instant chemistry women I do not bother with . To me the instant chemistry thing is about getting a one night stand , sorry I do not do that .
 Freudian
Joined: 3/15/2010
Msg: 76
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Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 4/4/2013 5:54:23 PM
Crap, the people on here can't even agree on what chemistry is. The women think it's more than that surge of attraction that comes when they meet Brad Pitt unexpectedly. The men think it's the burst of testosterone they get when they see skin that isn't normally showing.

Chemistry is lust, plain and simple. Men get it looking at a picture, women sometimes need a little more exposure to feel it.

So, which is more preferable, the slow burn that grows and grows, or the intense grab me now kind. They're both great, and the perfect situation is the intense one turns into a burn that doesn't seem to ever end.

As to the meet and greet. Let's face it, we don't KNOW anything about the people that we correspond with on this site. There's thread after thread describing the lies people tell and the pictures that are misleading. The only way to get past the obvious lie and on to the less obvious ones is to actually see them and spend a small amount of time to assure you're not going to waste a lot more time, effort, money, and emotion on a liar.

Personally, I want to meet them as soon as possible.
 StageCat1
Joined: 6/23/2012
Msg: 77
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 4/4/2013 7:24:59 PM
I love when things "click" for both of us - that instant chemistry - but there's gotta be substance behind it for anything that will last. That's the part that takes time.

It's the nature of dating sites to look for that initial attraction from photos and go from there. That's the long and the short of it. It's like a big dating catalog that we all flip through to see who appeals to each of us personally. And, no, above poster who insists it's George Clooney or some musclehead, we choose according to our own innate preferences of what we find attractive - and that differs for everyone.

I don't go on a lot of meets, so when I do, yeah, it would be nice to feel that mutual initial spark!
 chrisknew
Joined: 1/27/2013
Msg: 78
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 4/5/2013 10:09:00 AM
I prefer the phrase "Love comes softly"

I would love that animal attraction, where I just want to rip his clothes off, but I also find that as I get older than need is not there as much. But in reality that kind of attraction doesn't last that long. Sure it could last a year or two, but then fizzles out. That whats called "Lust"

Now "love"... is the slow burn as you say. It doesn't hit you right away, but instead gradually you appreciate that person for his quality's... that what I call "Love comes softly". Thats what I want.

Thats why I prefer Cyber chat, I want to know where their head is at. But in the dating world , interest is lost, communication is short.. so I guess for me, I'll stick with cyber chat, until I find that special one.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 79
Instant chemistry vs slow burn
Posted: 4/6/2013 4:03:46 AM

chrisknew
I would love that animal attraction, where I just want to rip his clothes off, but I also find that as I get older than need is not there as much. But in reality that kind of attraction doesn't last that long. Sure it could last a year or two, but then fizzles out. That whats called "Lust"


Why don't you say it doesn't last FOR YOU? Because it lasted 29 years till my Wife's death. Sure we had to work at it and add some more fuel to the fire at times, but it Dam sure wasn't just LUST.
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