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 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 51
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Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Does it really matter if it was completely mutual at the time? I have remained on good terms with several people over the years and in one or two instances I probably would have liked to work things out but yannow hindsight can be 20/20 and it's not until you figure out you are better off without the person that you recognize that what you probably didn't want at the time was exactly the right thing. You still like and care about each other but recognize that you simply don't work as a couple.

It is mutual from the standpoint that the party who would really prefer not to end it has enough respect for themselves and the other person to let go of a situation they cannot control. What the mind works out with respect to the whole situation is something that really cannot be anticipated.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 52
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 7/29/2012 3:33:15 PM

Does it really matter if it was completely mutual at the time?

You're so right!!!!!!!!!!! Does it really matter? It's o v e r.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 53
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 7/29/2012 5:34:52 PM

Does it really matter?

It hasn't mattered to me, but has been given as a reason that friendships remain. I just know that mine have never been mutual and wondered if others were really that different?
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 54
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 7/29/2012 6:06:55 PM
It's very rare that breakups are "mutual".

One wants out and it doesn't matter why.....and more often than not the person being left behind doesn't want that.....and is sometimes blind-sided if no issues within the relationship were perceived on their end. - all one needs to do is take stroll through the forums and there are all kinds of posts pertaining to that.

And if friendship after a romance remains then so what? Again what worldly difference does it make?

You can pretty much write your own rules in reference to whether or not you chose to be friends with an ex and if the new person who comes along doesn't like the fact you are friends with said ex then they can take a hike. - It's your life and you can do what you want and not have to live by some societal norm.

Life is about choices........ How YOU choose to live your life is up to you.

It's really not that hard to figure out.

Next?
 Happy Dude 63
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 55
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 8/3/2012 4:02:34 PM
Mutual;

It may not always be mutual, But I think many people here are exchanging 'mutual' with "amicable"

Two people who agree to move on may still disagree with everything else!
 Jason022679
Joined: 1/8/2011
Msg: 56
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 8/3/2012 4:47:54 PM
Well I've been in relationships where both were just along for the ride and finally one said it's over. Was it mutual, I guess not but both were happy with the decision.
 Ant0ni00
Joined: 9/2/2012
Msg: 57
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/13/2012 3:44:29 PM
I'm in agreement with you here.

I've had two instances where the woman initiated the breakup and I was fine with it. I didn't put up a fight because my reasoning is, if you can come to that decision and let me know about it, why would I want to, better still, have to convince you to be with me? After a breakup is initiated, I believe there is no woking it out simply because you now know that this person you love doesn't reciprocate even after spending enough time to get to know you in an ultimately significant way, if you were that open to the relationship.

In every case where I initiated the breakup, it was hell, in every instance except one. I've tried many different ways to break it off and it usually ends badly. There was one exception with my ex fiance, however, after about a year she became more hostile to the point where we no longer speak at all. This was confusing since we didn't speak much after breaking up and I haven't even seen her since 2011, but we were cordial. Problem is when I take the "grown up" approach that so many people consider to be proper etiquette, no etiquette was reciprocated. Yelling, cursing, throwing shit, threats, bawling as if being physically tortured, and the inevitable anger forever.

Recently, I broke it off after six months because there was just nothing to our relationship beyond physical attraction after that period. We didn't have a lot to talk about together. Our senses of humor are vastly different. She's extraordinarily attractive, but she's a very serious woman. It got to a point where joking comments I made in the beginning of our courtship that made her laugh became things she no longer understood and would sometimes take offense to as if I was directing a barb her way. For instance, I nicknamed her puppy "Arf Bark" one day because she was barking nonstop for about half an hour. This became frustrating.

She was also hyper religious, and we had severely opposing political beliefs which she explained weren't things that really mattered to her, but upon meeting her family it was obvious that those things did matter greatly, and I don't share this significantly important aspect of her life. Later our relationship became a way for her to try and be evangelical in attempt to get me to fit in with her family. Hyper religious super wealthy republicans to the death. These things didn't come up until month five, when I began to ask about more serious issues because I wanted to see if there was a future ahead of us.

I saw the tirade coming but I stuck to my guns and broke it off in person. That was stupid. I was unable to get things out of her house that accumulated from me bringing them over throughout the course of the relationship. And all that resulted from it was a waste of gas and me losing my stuff. Similarly, whenever I've broken it off in person in the past, I'm always on the shit end of the situation. There's no rational talk about why. Just the initial plea to stay together, which is crazy since the air of the near breakup will always be there afterwards, wondering if and when its going to happen again. Also, as I said before, why try to convince someone why they should stay with you? Some would argue that this is akin to fighting for what you want, but I disagree. A relationship takes two willing people. You both want to be there or you don't.

When it comes down to it, we're talking about our happiness here. There shouldn't be anger from the affected person about that. If anything, it takes two to break up in an "adult" manner. Not one person getting emotionally lashed. If the person initiating the breakup is missing something or is otherwise making a mistake, so be it. Personally, I understand this and its why I don't go apeshit. If you feel you can be happy elsewhere I get that.

So, while I do think there can be amicable breakups, they're usually never mutual. At least, I've yet to hear of one or even believe it if I did.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 58
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/13/2012 4:12:56 PM
Yes. If someone isn't interested in continuing a relationship with me, I then can only want the same. I can't want to be with someone who's not into being there - it doesn't make much sense. Same goes for me wanting to end it. The person I want to end it with should want to do the same based on the fact that I feel that way. End of story.
 YourBrandNewGuy
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 59
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/13/2012 4:43:51 PM
Awesome post!

My very serious relationships like marriages, that were to us great love at one time, there was always resistance vs one that wanted out. Never wanted out at the same time. If that were the case we would of had to of spent a long time unhappily married and that didn't happen, we all stay in touch and care about each other still.
Some times what happens is both could really want out for a while and then are both glad they are finally out. Hardly ever see that scenario though.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 60
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/13/2012 5:13:32 PM

Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?


Totally.

She has dreams, responsibilities and/or ambitions going one way, which she can not bring herself to not pursue; and you have dreams, responsibilities, and ambitions going another way (2 ways which must take opposite roads)

To do this requires mutual respect, and respect for oneself; instead of asking the person to sacrifice their things.....for yours.

All the time.
 sigungq
Joined: 10/6/2012
Msg: 61
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/13/2012 7:25:01 PM
Don't I first have to have a truly mutual date???
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 62
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/13/2012 7:40:00 PM

BUT!! ultimately you need to let the love that was in you for that woman to grow good in you,
not hate. Hate is easy, love takes work. But in the end, love can win and make you smile better each day.


Beautiful words, dude. Well said.
 Slate56
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 63
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/13/2012 9:03:26 PM
Yes.. my marriage was mutual and 'friendly'.... friends can... I suppose it depends on the relationship...
 Slate56
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 64
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/13/2012 9:07:06 PM
Passion is like flowing lava.... sometimes it slows and crusts over and you have to do the work of taking a pickaxe out and break the crust to get back to the heat... it takes work and both have to take turns welding the pickaxe. When only one does all the labor intensive stuff they will eventually be worn out and can't do it any more. Not sure the analogy works but that's how I see it
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 65
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Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/13/2012 10:18:43 PM
If you're together for a while there has to be causes to separate. Sometimes folk simply get bored with their partner,. I seem to hit that a bit, I suppose I could be less boring... MOstly your babe/guy/whatever will give a lot of hints of what is not working. If those are not addressed, or theyre ignored, or we go the opposite way its really not fair to say "she dumped me...poorrr me eeee". We did the dumping by not dealing with their concerns. A relationship is a lot of investment, they're not moving on over our choice in socks.
 Habs_Fan13
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 66
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/13/2012 11:36:53 PM
Yep! Me and my last ex had a mutual breakup and have remained friends.
I ended up initiating the conversation however, he completely agreed and we both felt the exact same about everything and knew it wasn't going to work.
It's definitely possible however, both partners have to have the same feelings and it's usually pretty rare.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 67
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/13/2012 11:45:12 PM
Most of my breakups are mutual. I think it has more to do with how you live your life and deal with relationships, than anything else. Communication is very important to me as is working things out together. The signs that your partner isn't terribly happy are rather obvious to anyone paying attention so there tends to be some discussion about these things long before anyone decides to leave.

In my experience, one or both partners begins to pull away slowly. Sometimes, you can think the world of someone but if their life is heading down a path you don't wish to follow, then parting ways is inevitable. That's not a bad thing either, it just is.

Of course, I have been dumped or totally taken by surprise before and that usually involves some nasty, dishonest and selfish behaviour. I'd like to think I'm a bit smarter now and won't walk into a situation like that...great, now I jinxed myself.

If everyone is being honest, all breakups are mutual, or at least amicable.
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 68
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Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 12:36:17 AM
I havent had a mutual breakup. Mainly because I have never had a mutual 'start' of a relationship. Usually the guy is either chasing me for a while before I agree to be with him or I chased after him before he agrees to be with me. Then the relationships have been dynamic, sometimes am so done and want to break up but he convinces me to stay or vice versa. So even when the end draws near one of us is dragged kicking and fighting to the finish line. LOL
 cashleys
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 69
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 9:29:14 AM
No, the only way that can happen is if at that one single moment at the same time you both break up. If not, one or the other. even if they did want to break up usually feel rejected.
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 70
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 4:03:52 PM
Ha ha ha - Dead right - Mine were amicable.
 YourBrandNewGuy
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 71
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 4:50:56 PM
Something as smooth and as a mutual break up comes only from true love, real soul-mates. Mutual breakup is almost romantically loving. You make love at night and at breakfast at the very same moment look into each others eyes and say "I need space" then you laugh and hug and talk about how cool it's going to be with a new person. Both of you get openly aroused and have one final go, then start putting tape on lamps and chairs with your name on it.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 72
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 7:20:05 PM

Something as smooth and as a mutual break up comes only from true love, real soul-mates.

I do not agree with this. At all. If you did mutually feel as real soul mates with true love, chances are, you both are not going to be in the same position at the same time, where you both don't feel that way anymore. That's pretty much required for a mutual breakup. Emotion & logistical feasibility. A mutual breakup doesn't mean it's peaceful, sweet, semi-happy, etc. It just means nobody's rejecting another or being the deciding factor over the other. You both WANT to break up. If you're in love, you're not wanting to do that.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 73
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 8:04:09 PM
^^^^Yes, but you can be in love, recognize the person wants to move on and be an adult about it. A person can love you but not want to continue the romantic situation. Sometimes circumstances aren't good for staying together. That thing where you don't want to accept it or agree with it comes mostly from an egotistical context.

If you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you - there's nothing left to do but wish them the best. Sure, you'll have to lick your wounds a little, but that's to be expected. No one can break your heart but you by not accepting the situation. If they don't want to be there, then letting them go is the best thing you can do for yourself.

After you've survived a breakup or two in life, and dealt with things that are more traumatic, you can sleep well at night knowing you'll be able to get through it again should it happen.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 74
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 10:11:26 PM
~~~
Have you ever had what you would call a true "Mutual Breakup"?
~~~
A few actually.. There comes a point when you realize it's just not working.. two adults who have good communication can talk about this and come to an understanding that it's over.. have done it .. I am friends still with 2 of them..

~~~
While the two may separate in an amicable way, there is usually some resistance at first and I always think if given the choice one would have preferred to try and work things out. Always one or the other decides it isn't working and makes the decision to leave.
~~~
There is always one who has to actually do the breaking up.. initiates the conversation.. pushes for the decision.. so there is always one who actually does the breaking up and one who would have stuck around longer to try to work it out.. The difference is there is an understanding and an agreement about it.. But someone always has to initiate it. it's highly unlikely that both will decide at the same moment that it's just not working.. someone has to take that step..

~~
It just means nobody's rejecting another or being the deciding factor over the other. You both WANT to break up. If you're in love, you're not wanting to do that.
~~
Exactly! If it's true love and that's your soul mate then you're not gonna wanna break up.. there's nothing mutual about it.. but if you both realize it's over and just decide to break up.. it's mutual.. maybe both of you are hurt a little, because even mutual breakups are a bummer.. but you know the other is happy and you know this was right..

~~~~
Yes, but you can be in love, recognize the person wants to move on and be an adult about it.
~~~~
Yes you can.. but that's not a soul mate or your one true love now is it?? or they wouldn't want to break up.. or so the definition of soul-mate and true love dictates.

~~
A person can love you but not want to continue the romantic situation. Sometimes circumstances aren't good for staying together.
~~
This can also be true.. I know my ex loves me.. but we are just not meant to be.. and we both realize it..

~~~
That thing where you don't want to accept it or agree with it comes mostly from an egotistical context.
~~
Not really.. It comes from a desire to work it out because there is love and commitment and communication.. It's not egotistical to want something that once once good to continue to be good. Couples hit a rough patch and just have to stick it out.. sometimes it seems easier to walk away.. not really the best thing to do.. If you try.. really try and it continues to just be over.. then you need to let it go..

~~~
No one can break your heart but you by not accepting the situation. If they don't want to be there, then letting them go is the best thing you can do for yourself.
~~~
While I agree if they don't want to be there letting them go is the best thing to do for yourself. It doesn't mean that they didn't break your heart. You can accept the situation and still have your heart broken.

Of course.. I don't think I'd call that a "mutual breakup"
 untilever
Joined: 10/6/2012
Msg: 75
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 10:56:35 PM
I think two people can be grown up about things without it being totally mutual.

We have egos, after all, and somebody has to say "I don't want to be with you anymore." Usually, there will be some sort of sting felt by the person on the receiving end.

I am going through the closest thing to a mutual breakup I have ever done in my life and I would say it is far less painful. Although I was the one on the receiving end, I knew that it was coming and I can see it is for the best. Still kind of sucks though.
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