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 Habs_Fan13
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 66
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Yep! Me and my last ex had a mutual breakup and have remained friends.
I ended up initiating the conversation however, he completely agreed and we both felt the exact same about everything and knew it wasn't going to work.
It's definitely possible however, both partners have to have the same feelings and it's usually pretty rare.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 67
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/13/2012 11:45:12 PM
Most of my breakups are mutual. I think it has more to do with how you live your life and deal with relationships, than anything else. Communication is very important to me as is working things out together. The signs that your partner isn't terribly happy are rather obvious to anyone paying attention so there tends to be some discussion about these things long before anyone decides to leave.

In my experience, one or both partners begins to pull away slowly. Sometimes, you can think the world of someone but if their life is heading down a path you don't wish to follow, then parting ways is inevitable. That's not a bad thing either, it just is.

Of course, I have been dumped or totally taken by surprise before and that usually involves some nasty, dishonest and selfish behaviour. I'd like to think I'm a bit smarter now and won't walk into a situation like that...great, now I jinxed myself.

If everyone is being honest, all breakups are mutual, or at least amicable.
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 68
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History
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 12:36:17 AM
I havent had a mutual breakup. Mainly because I have never had a mutual 'start' of a relationship. Usually the guy is either chasing me for a while before I agree to be with him or I chased after him before he agrees to be with me. Then the relationships have been dynamic, sometimes am so done and want to break up but he convinces me to stay or vice versa. So even when the end draws near one of us is dragged kicking and fighting to the finish line. LOL
 cashleys
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 69
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 9:29:14 AM
No, the only way that can happen is if at that one single moment at the same time you both break up. If not, one or the other. even if they did want to break up usually feel rejected.
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 70
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 4:03:52 PM
Ha ha ha - Dead right - Mine were amicable.
 YourBrandNewGuy
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 71
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 4:50:56 PM
Something as smooth and as a mutual break up comes only from true love, real soul-mates. Mutual breakup is almost romantically loving. You make love at night and at breakfast at the very same moment look into each others eyes and say "I need space" then you laugh and hug and talk about how cool it's going to be with a new person. Both of you get openly aroused and have one final go, then start putting tape on lamps and chairs with your name on it.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 72
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 7:20:05 PM

Something as smooth and as a mutual break up comes only from true love, real soul-mates.

I do not agree with this. At all. If you did mutually feel as real soul mates with true love, chances are, you both are not going to be in the same position at the same time, where you both don't feel that way anymore. That's pretty much required for a mutual breakup. Emotion & logistical feasibility. A mutual breakup doesn't mean it's peaceful, sweet, semi-happy, etc. It just means nobody's rejecting another or being the deciding factor over the other. You both WANT to break up. If you're in love, you're not wanting to do that.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 73
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 8:04:09 PM
^^^^Yes, but you can be in love, recognize the person wants to move on and be an adult about it. A person can love you but not want to continue the romantic situation. Sometimes circumstances aren't good for staying together. That thing where you don't want to accept it or agree with it comes mostly from an egotistical context.

If you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you - there's nothing left to do but wish them the best. Sure, you'll have to lick your wounds a little, but that's to be expected. No one can break your heart but you by not accepting the situation. If they don't want to be there, then letting them go is the best thing you can do for yourself.

After you've survived a breakup or two in life, and dealt with things that are more traumatic, you can sleep well at night knowing you'll be able to get through it again should it happen.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 74
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 10:11:26 PM
~~~
Have you ever had what you would call a true "Mutual Breakup"?
~~~
A few actually.. There comes a point when you realize it's just not working.. two adults who have good communication can talk about this and come to an understanding that it's over.. have done it .. I am friends still with 2 of them..

~~~
While the two may separate in an amicable way, there is usually some resistance at first and I always think if given the choice one would have preferred to try and work things out. Always one or the other decides it isn't working and makes the decision to leave.
~~~
There is always one who has to actually do the breaking up.. initiates the conversation.. pushes for the decision.. so there is always one who actually does the breaking up and one who would have stuck around longer to try to work it out.. The difference is there is an understanding and an agreement about it.. But someone always has to initiate it. it's highly unlikely that both will decide at the same moment that it's just not working.. someone has to take that step..

~~
It just means nobody's rejecting another or being the deciding factor over the other. You both WANT to break up. If you're in love, you're not wanting to do that.
~~
Exactly! If it's true love and that's your soul mate then you're not gonna wanna break up.. there's nothing mutual about it.. but if you both realize it's over and just decide to break up.. it's mutual.. maybe both of you are hurt a little, because even mutual breakups are a bummer.. but you know the other is happy and you know this was right..

~~~~
Yes, but you can be in love, recognize the person wants to move on and be an adult about it.
~~~~
Yes you can.. but that's not a soul mate or your one true love now is it?? or they wouldn't want to break up.. or so the definition of soul-mate and true love dictates.

~~
A person can love you but not want to continue the romantic situation. Sometimes circumstances aren't good for staying together.
~~
This can also be true.. I know my ex loves me.. but we are just not meant to be.. and we both realize it..

~~~
That thing where you don't want to accept it or agree with it comes mostly from an egotistical context.
~~
Not really.. It comes from a desire to work it out because there is love and commitment and communication.. It's not egotistical to want something that once once good to continue to be good. Couples hit a rough patch and just have to stick it out.. sometimes it seems easier to walk away.. not really the best thing to do.. If you try.. really try and it continues to just be over.. then you need to let it go..

~~~
No one can break your heart but you by not accepting the situation. If they don't want to be there, then letting them go is the best thing you can do for yourself.
~~~
While I agree if they don't want to be there letting them go is the best thing to do for yourself. It doesn't mean that they didn't break your heart. You can accept the situation and still have your heart broken.

Of course.. I don't think I'd call that a "mutual breakup"
 untilever
Joined: 10/6/2012
Msg: 75
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/14/2012 10:56:35 PM
I think two people can be grown up about things without it being totally mutual.

We have egos, after all, and somebody has to say "I don't want to be with you anymore." Usually, there will be some sort of sting felt by the person on the receiving end.

I am going through the closest thing to a mutual breakup I have ever done in my life and I would say it is far less painful. Although I was the one on the receiving end, I knew that it was coming and I can see it is for the best. Still kind of sucks though.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 76
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/15/2012 4:41:00 AM

Yes you can.. but that's not a soul mate or your one true love now is it?? or they wouldn't want to break up.. or so the definition of soul-mate and true love dictates.

I don't see what one has to do with the other. If that were true than everyone single now has never been with their one true love, should it exist. I'm not really a believer in soul mates - not with the definition that there's only one out there (and we're actually going to have to find them). I'm more a believer there are some out there we'll click with better than others.

Not really.. It comes from a desire to work it out because there is love and commitment and communication.. It's not egotistical to want something that once once good to continue to be good. Couples hit a rough patch and just have to stick it out.. sometimes it seems easier to walk away.. not really the best thing to do.. If you try.. really try and it continues to just be over.. then you need to let it go..

It's somewhat egotistical or self centered because most want someone to love THEM and stay with THEM and keep THEM from being single, being hurt, being left. If they want something that they felt was good to continue to be good it's typically because they felt good in it. It's mostly about what will happen to them...even if the other person has valid reasons for not wanting to continue. Sure, some can overlook their own stuff and focus on the other person's decision, but I haven't seen it too often.

While I agree if they don't want to be there letting them go is the best thing to do for yourself. It doesn't mean that they didn't break your heart. You can accept the situation and still have your heart broken.

Of course.. I don't think I'd call that a "mutual breakup"

There's a difference between being upset it's over and actually resisting it. To me acceptance despite some hurt (I don't know about the whole heart broken thing - that depends on the level of attachment) is fairly mutual. If there is communication both can discuss, understand, move forward.

I think two people can be grown up about things without it being totally mutual.

I see mutual as agreed upon by both - despite how each feels.

We have egos, after all, and somebody has to say "I don't want to be with you anymore." Usually, there will be some sort of sting felt by the person on the receiving end.

Exactly my point. As you get older you handle this stuff a lot better. And sure there may be a sting, doesn't mean you can't rationally view it. I think egos should be kept out of some things, but I digress.

I am going through the closest thing to a mutual breakup I have ever done in my life and I would say it is far less painful. Although I was the one on the receiving end, I knew that it was coming and I can see it is for the best. Still kind of sucks though.

Sure it does. We get used to things and may not want to adjust to change. We can allow ourselves to get attached as well even in situations where we know it's not going to work out or it's not meant to be. But hey, life is like that. We eventually get past it.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 77
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/17/2012 11:26:39 AM

Yes, but you can be in love, recognize the person wants to move on and be an adult about it.

Yeah, but that's not a mutual breakup. A mutual breakup is where you both WANT to break up -- and not because the other person is already breaking up with you. A mutual breakup is where there is no one person wanting to over another. Being civil and cool about a break up, or agreeing and wanting to break up because the other person wanted to, doesn't make it a Mutual Breakup. Someone was still "dumped".

I wasn't talking about the right to be bitter, ticked, etc. If you're Both IN love and soul mates, both of you at the same time are not going to want to break up while in that state. And yes, you can be in that total love state and want a break up. That's when the other person isn't in the same state.

Guy: "I am so totally in love with you, we're soul mates -- it's as obvious as the sky is blue!"
Girl: "I know! I am sooo totally in love with you, too! We are soul mates and it's great every day we can't stop saying it!"
Guy: "I know! By the way, I want to leave you. I don't want to continue this romantic situation -- the circumstances aren't good for staying together."
Girl: "Oh, I totally believe that you're totally in love with me and believe that we're soul mates, and not merely still have feelings for me!"
Girl: "... And by the way, I woke up this morning wanting to leave you, too! I don't think the circumstances are good for staying together! And since we're soul mates and totally in love, this is so much easier than if we weren't!"
Guy: "Yeah, I know! Being total soul mates and totally in love IS how mutual break ups can happen!"
 YourBrandNewGuy
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 78
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/17/2012 2:51:23 PM
Confident-Realist That is a really good explanation and example.
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 79
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/17/2012 3:40:41 PM
If it it feels like a curse is broken - when he leaves - then it certainly is amicable.
I let him go 25 years ago in my mind - just took me a while to get him to commit adultery!!
Then it was easy to pack his one and only Bag.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 80
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/18/2012 5:08:02 AM
Johnny comes up to me with a brick in his hand and says "Hey, you want to rob that Pawn Shop with me"? Even though the thought hadn't entered my mind, I agree to help him because I think it sounds like fun. The decision to commit the crime is mutual. When we are caught for being the stupid losers that we are, we will be treated the same way by the courts.

A mutual break-up isn't some obscure philosophical dilemma to ponder endlessly. It doesn't require some magical equity of thought and emotion (that can never be measured anyway) to be precisely 50/50 or any of the other idiotic "proofs" against mutual in here.

Here is an example of a mutual break-up for those of you struggling with the concept.

Jill says, "I can't do this anymore. I need a break from being us. It's not you, it's me. The check is in the mail, etc."

Jack says, "You sure about this"?

Jill, "Yes, I'm sure"

Jack, "Fine then, I suppose you are right. "

This would be an example of a mutual break up. No one skips out in the night, no one is left holding the bag, no one is lied to (optional), less histrionics and drama, fewer tears, etc. It's called being mature, not some magical and impossible thing to achieve. It's simply a matter of both people being on board with the decision when it comes down to that.
 Lighttruthrevisited
Joined: 10/19/2012
Msg: 81
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/18/2012 8:18:50 AM
Yes but we were freinds first for a long time, and just were looking for different things.
I was looking for my last relationship and thought my friend would be perfect he thought we would have great fun together but didn't want a relationship.
 looking4al8e
Joined: 9/14/2012
Msg: 82
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/18/2012 4:36:17 PM
Mutual breakups are possible and i was involved in one earlier this summer. When two, mature adults understand the pitfalls to maintaining a lasting, positive relationship and are willing to talk about it w/o casting blame or idealizing the circumstances, then such events can and should happen to avoid more pain.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 83
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/19/2012 6:34:02 AM
Sometimes they can happen. Both people realize the relationship is no longer working out for whatever reason. Of course, one person has to say it first. But the other person may have agreed with it.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 84
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/19/2012 9:22:17 AM
A mutual break-up isn't some obscure philosophical dilemma to ponder endlessly. It doesn't require some magical equity of thought and emotion (that can never be measured anyway) to be precisely 50/50 or any of the other idiotic "proofs" against mutual in here.

I don't think it's that complicated of a situation, either. It's simply put as a situation where both parties want a breakup, and not due to what the other has already decided. It's where nobody has been dumped.

My argument earlier was against the notion that two people who are soul mates and in total true love are the ones who will (more likely) have mutual breakups. I argue the opposite -- it commonly happens when both parties have drifted apart, each have their issues, and both are wanting one. Sure, one could want it more solidly and less questionably than the other... but if one says it basically just happens between people who Both are currently in love & soul mates -- no. IMO, that's ridiculous. Some may want to call it a Mutual Breakup because they don't want to be seen as the dumpER (guilt) or the dumpEE (shame).

There's a difference between both breaking up in a civil, calm-natured way -- and having a mutual breakup. So I disagree with your example as a Mutual Breakup. Just because you're not fighting it, and one person's not kicking and screaming, but is accepting of the other person wanting to leave them -- does not make it a Mutual Breakup! :)

Example: Jack & Jill have drifted apart, they fight too much, people can see that unless something magical happens, it ain't lasting too long.

Jill: "I've been thinking about this, I'm thinking we should break up... We're always (this that), and not (that this)..."
Jack: "Yeah, I've thought the same thing. And ya know, we probably should. I mean, this isn't good for either of us... We are fighting too much, and (other thing, same thing) gets to me and it's just not working out..."

And then they both break up. They can be content, and really amiable and all that... or they can just be pissed at each other. That has nothing to do with it. A mutual breakup = you both want to break up before you break up, and one person isn't breaking up with the other -- but it's mutually wanted regardless.
 NoSocialMedia4u
Joined: 10/15/2009
Msg: 85
Is there really ever a Mutual Breakup?
Posted: 11/20/2012 10:17:24 PM
If both parties know themselves well enough to know when there isn't hope of creating a meaningful connection, its very possible.

I dated a great guy, but had met another guy who was absolutely perfect in the fact that I loved his flaws as much as I loved his strengths. I didn't like the guy I was dating and he didn't like me. No respect, we were opposites. It was always too formal like going through motions and hoping for something to happen against the odds. We parted mutually. He was still tied to his past, and I was all about my hopes for the future. The very thought of spending a life with someone like him made me depressed, especially having met the kind of person I could someday love on a very healthy level. That is my tell-tale sign: how I feel when thinking about a future with them. If I get sad or feel like I have to defend it too much, its a no-go.

Learn about yourself. Love yourself. Learn who you will be able to love the best. I may not get to love the second guy, but I'm sure going to try to find an amazing guy like him someday and spare myself the pain until I find someone worth while like him.
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