Posted: 8/14/2012 3:26:56 PM
|If someone can't give you what you need, stop wasting your time and find someone who can. People try to be someone else for that person that they love, but if those things we need don't come naturally to that other person, they can't give it to you for long.|
Posted: 8/14/2012 3:56:35 PM
|That's nothing I met a guy from this site a while back and we dated for about three months. In all that time he NEVER touched me!! How bizarre is that? It's actually the reason I broke up with him. He must have liked me as he continued to ask me out but I cannot be in a dating relationship with a man and have no affection. Just not gonna happen. Doesn't work for me.|
Posted: 8/14/2012 5:01:07 PM
I let it go a few months but things didn't change in the least
I'm not saying you did anything wrong or were wrong to end it.
But this second post of yours makes it sound, even more, to me,
like you informed him of your wishes verbally and then put all the responsibility for action on him.
Do you mean you sat on his lap, and he dumped you in the floor?
You gave him a kiss when walking by, and he pointedly wiped off your slobber?
Do you realize how many men, if you delivered a speech like that, would say "Sorry, but that's how I am." --!!??
You had a guy who said he was willing to work with you.
I still don't see any evidence from you, that you were willing to work with HIM.
Posted: 8/14/2012 5:46:56 PM
What, in public? That's a separate issue
You can look at a couple and notice in the way they interact with each other, be it in private or in public. You don't need to be horny humpers to share some sort of connection as a couple. If you act distant then you may as well be distant.
When I see a man appearing distant to his woman it immediately tells me he does not understand that most woman enjoy being seen as the apple of her partner's eye, so to speak. Who wants to appear to be an object rather than a desired person?
Posted: 8/14/2012 6:28:27 PM
I still don't see any evidence from you, that you were willing to work with HIM.
I'm not going to get into a detailed list of the things I did to work with him because quite frankly most of them are quite personal. His list of needs, that he expected from me, compared to my list would be like comparing a yellow sticky note to a steno pad sheet. lol However I will add that we discussed my needs quite openly and he admitted that he wasn't the touchy type but wanted to try and work it out.
After expressing my needs I fully expected that we would part ways and was surprised that he wanted to work it out. Unfortunately what he said and what he did were complete opposites. He made no effort at all and I can say that with all honesty.
Posted: 8/14/2012 6:47:41 PM
|"maybe Im naive but Im sorry I dont believe that people have trouble with affection to me that is an excuse and in my experience it wasnt that I had trouble with affection perse it was just the person that I was with. If I dont feel a connection on a deeper level I cant be affectionate with them and may often feel disgusted by them. So it may not be that they have trouble with affection they may just have trouble with being affectionate with you :/"|
I agree with cocomamicita. I've had difficulty being affectionate with some men but not with others. Some things are good in the relationship though so you hope that this will change. Never did with me.
Posted: 8/15/2012 4:49:33 AM
|"I'm not going to get into a detailed list of the things I did"|
No need to get "touchy" OP. You made me ask you twice, if you did anything at all (besides talk).
Sorry it didn't work out.
p.s. I checked to see if anybody mentioned "the five love languages" and I see the Gent did on page 1. You don't have to buy the book; there's an online quiz which gives you the gist.
Even if it wouldn't save this recent romance -- it could be useful to you, going forward.
p.p.s. There are posters in every POF thread who think their personal experience overrides decades of study by professionals in the field. Yay for independent thinkers!
But boo on those who try to shame & blame, as though if they haven't yet directly experienced a thing, it does not exist in this world.
Posted: 8/15/2012 5:47:39 AM
|I ended a four and a half year realtionship with a man who wound up sitting in his recliner with his feet up ignoring me. He was wonderful in the beginning, opening car doors and talking nice to me. At the end I would talk to him and he would act like he didn't hear me that is called passive agressive behavior. He went from opening car doors to farting on my head. (I wish that I was kidding on this one)|
Your X has a narcissistic personality disorder. It means he is not capable of loving another person in a healthy way. My X hid his narcissistic personality disorder from me. I guess he thought by the time he showed his true colors I would be in love with him and accept him being cold, aloof, and indifferent. We were even engaged at one point.
Be thankful that it ended after six months and not six years. People who are not affectionate do not make good life partners. Look at this as a learning experience. Make sure you see the red flags in your next boy friend.
Congratulations on being so strong and ending an unhealthy relationships. None of your needs were being met and you would have been lonely stuck in an unhealthy relationship.
Good Luck To You
Posted: 8/15/2012 5:54:14 AM
|I don't know if this fits this category but there was a gal I know (and still friends with) that is like close to being 40 years old and still a virgin (supposedly). Well, anway, she told me once that she wants to be in a relationship with a guy but admitted that she does not know how to show affection when it comes to a relationship. She doesn't care for all that hugging and stuff. And she is pretty decent looking, above average looks. All I could say as far as advice was...good luck!|
Posted: 8/15/2012 6:43:11 AM
|I dated a man who could not show affection in front of others. Of course, he also thought that the navy had performed secret experiments on him when their dentists worked on his teeth. I could have stood the craziness, but not the lack of demonstrative affection.|
When I was growing up, I had a friend who did not like to be hugged, etc. She was a great friend, but the lack huggy-feelingness extended to family, friends, and I never saw her hug or kiss her boyfriends. She was affectionate to her daughter, though. I don't know if this was a natal trait or if something had happened that made her so. Some people grow up in families that do not show physical affection.
Posted: 8/15/2012 12:40:45 PM
|Ok, Iloveflowers, what school did you earn your degree from that you are able to diagnose, over the internet, someone you have never met as having narcissistic personality??? Just because someone is not overly affectionate or doesnt believe they have to be hanging on someone all the time does not mean they are mentally ill.|
I am not a narcissist and I am capable of loving others in a healthy way but I am not overly affectionate but I do show some affection but I show a lot more affection in the privacy of the bedroom. I do not believe in making out in public but holding hands is ok. Yes when I am in a relationship then my SO does know I care about them but I am secure enough with myself that I dont need to hang all over someone or need them to be hanging all over me all the time.
Posted: 8/16/2012 1:17:40 PM
Ok, Iloveflowers, what school did you earn your degree from that you are able to diagnose, over the internet, someone you have never met as having narcissistic personality??? Just because someone is not overly affectionate or doesnt believe they have to be hanging on someone all the time does not mean they are mentally ill.
Yes, always amusing how people translate "didn't get along with me" into some kind of mental disorder instead of simple every-day incompatibility.
Posted: 8/16/2012 1:37:42 PM
|ROFL!!!! I see you've met my EX husband Op!!!!|
As for the cause....pick one...of many. I tried for YEARS to figure it out, and never did. Don't get me wrong...my Ex is a good man...steady, dependable, even tempered, responsible, supportive, good father....just NO PASSION!!! NONE!!! EVER!!!! The man simply wouldn't get excited about anything if you set him on fire.
I have however come to realize that "passion" is something that one either HAS...or doesn't! It can't be "learned"....or "faked" (for long). It's also a "double edged sword".... if one has it in the bedroom....EXPECT to see it in almost every other area of life as well.
Posted: 8/16/2012 4:22:34 PM
|I need and expect affection and won't settle for anything else. Some people don't......it's about finding someone who wants the same thing out of a relationship that you do. I would not hesitate to be affectionate in public, but there is a time and place for everything and an appropriate way to behave in the presence of others. |
I think that you can tell pretty quickly if the person that you are dating is affectionate or not. You just need to decide what you are willing to deal with....
Posted: 8/25/2012 8:51:32 PM
|We are all entitled to our own opinions and if you don't like what I have to say, stop reading my posts.|
Posted: 8/25/2012 8:57:20 PM
|If there's no kissing, no hugging, no touching, then what's the reason of the relationship. I can't believe you waited 6 months, first sign of no affection, I would have been out of there.|
Posted: 8/25/2012 9:08:04 PM
|You did what was right for you :) Maybe they will find someone else that doesn't need affection and that will be a perfect match. It does seems like 6 months it the time frame of sh*t or get off the pot. You did give it a chance, and I see that as quite noble. :)|
Posted: 8/25/2012 10:10:02 PM
|iloveflowers55 picked up on 2 major traits of a Narcissistic personality from what the OP typed out. And are very common in that type of person and VERY well known to be clues in diagnosis... You 2 need to do some research.|
Posted: 8/25/2012 10:25:32 PM
|Physical demonstrations of affection aren't for everyone. Some gain comfort and affirmation from it; to some it is aversive.|
I dated a guy recently who stated "talkin n txt'n isn't me." I sent him a postcard advising him that "It's all good. We don't need to talk about the fact that I never want to date you again." (he was already a friend, so took this with a laugh)
Posted: 8/25/2012 10:28:38 PM
|I've encountered the same with women. I'm a very touchy feely person by nature, and it is saddening when I've encountered this.|
The cause? I suppose it is an item of curiosity to wonder how someone could be so averse to simple affection, but it's a question you will only ever get a proper answer to from the person in question. If that isn't possible, then it is best to not second guess yourself into oblivion, move on, and realize that some people sadly have limited themselves in this regard.
Posted: 8/25/2012 11:00:01 PM
|Im a naturally affectionate person and dont even have to think about touching my man - it just comes natural and i wouldn't know how to be any other way.|
Though i do understand not everyone is like that but i couldn't be with a cold fish.
Op if you're a passionate,affectionate,demonstrative woman,then you need a partner who's the same.
Good luck with the next one.
Posted: 8/26/2012 5:23:52 AM
|I would much rather be alone than have someone who did not show me any affection. Then again, there are men out there who smother you with affection, want to be kissing and cuddling all night long, holding onto your hand following you around like a puppy dog and wanting to know your every movement throughout the day. That can equally be a turn off for me personally. But it takes all sorts!|
To this I answer. I've had many diff scales of affection. I have to have affection or I feel rejected, unloved, and quite frankly it feels good. I am a touchy person. If that person isn't it is like not having water. I am in a relationship whereby that person is not a touchy feely. He does although love to cuddle. That he is good at and knows when i ask for it that it's something I really want so he gives that to me. The intimacy is good but could be wayyyy better. Time lately has been a factor.
I also agree and know from being in marriage that for some it's how they were raised. Some boys mother's just gave them praise but not necessarily kissing them to death. I kiss my son on the cheek all the time. He hugs me all the time. He loves not all the time to sit and just lean on me. He's a teen to boot! That's a feat tto get round.
So yes..OP I agree with sooo many here. If you are an affectionate person and your not getting that better to let it go. Specially kissing...it's really an art form!
Posted: 8/26/2012 9:49:41 AM
|I was with a guy, long time ago, who saw *any* sign of affection as a signal to bed. It worked if he was horny, not if he wasn't. We lasted a long time, but I was the one that ultimately ended it. But on other grounds. Can't reprogram adults, alas.|
Posted: 8/26/2012 7:18:19 PM
|I've had the same problem. Met a really great guy that I enjoyed spending time with, but he was not into kissing and affection and honestly I can't really get turned on without that kind of intimacy and feeling close to someone. So, I just could not date him. It was such a shame because I really like him in all other respects. :(|