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 AUTHOR
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 23
Boyfriend talking marriagePage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I think the key word here is ...

COMMUNICATION

Talk to him and negotiate a win/win situation for the both of you.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 24
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History
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/17/2012 9:34:49 AM
Nothing ever stays the same...

you and your man are not compatible with your lifes goals, time to break up before
you end up hating each other. If you do not want to marry and go his route, have some class and
tell him YOU are not her and leave... find someone to play on your terms.
If they want to move on, you will have to trade them in too............. there are many people ( both sexes)
who do this all their lives.
You would not be alone.
 MacInOC
Joined: 2/19/2012
Msg: 25
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/17/2012 9:36:38 AM
Like everyone I asked "Why OP doesn't want to get married". So I reread and found:


I like having my own space and knowing that if I want to be alone, I can.


I take it this means no living together? Arg. I feel a storm coming. Marriage be damned, it sounds like you aren't even close in relationship views. Sorry, but even most guys don't want to date forever maintaining separate lives and households.
 EG63
Joined: 1/13/2010
Msg: 26
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/17/2012 10:24:03 AM
OP - He knows you don't want to get married, if you fear he will propose in the upcoming vacation then you need to make it clear to him once again, in a polite and diplomatic manner, what is your wish on this subject. Before going on vacation, don't wait until it will be more difficult to say no.

In a relationship you shouldn't be forced to accept something you have made clear you don't want to do nor have a fear to express yourself openly and let your feelings known. If he can't respect you enough to understand your wishes now, how can you expect to be respected after being married? Talk to him ASAP.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 27
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/17/2012 10:31:16 AM
If you two have been together 1.5 years, the topic of what kind of future you two have together must have come up at least once. You don't practically live with someone for that long without thinking and talking about where the relationship is headed. What was the conclusion if/when the topic of long term togetherness was brought up before? Did you tell him previously that you are opposed to marriage, and conversely, did he ever mention that a life goal of his was marriage?

I don't see a good ending if he's ready to pop the question. How will he react if you say no? Will he still see a future with you? You should not get married if you feel pressured into it. There's always a lot of resentment and bitterness when someone feels forced into marriage.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 28
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Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/17/2012 10:49:04 AM
I am with those that believe if you live with a significant other for an extended period of time, that eventually the topic of long term commitment, whether engagement or marriage, will eventually follow.

He probably communicated this clearly, but you simply didn't accept what he was saying at face value. Now, that you find out he isn't bluffing you are nervous.

You either talk to him why you feel this way, but you have to let him explain why marriage is important to him. Don't invalidate his feelings or point of view, and don't let him belittle your perspective and feelings either.

Do it now, and your relationship may be saved.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 29
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/17/2012 11:03:30 AM
well.....if you have made it crystal clear to him you do NOT want to get married and he winds up proposing........

Run Forrest Runnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!

My ex pressured the heck out of me on that and it caused me to run as well.......and now he wonders why I ran.

It's all about setting boundaries and making your expectations known.

If he can't accept the fact you do NOT want to get married, then you both need to head on down the road.
 MacInOC
Joined: 2/19/2012
Msg: 30
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/17/2012 11:21:20 AM
I think everyone is missing the elephant in the room. I don't believe the issue is marriage, but the reason for not wanting to get married....


I like having my own space and knowing that if I want to be alone, I can.


To me, this say living apart and having separate lives at times - not ready to commit. In other words, nothing more serious than dating - a far cry from marriage.

Sorry, but I don't see this ending well.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 33
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Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/17/2012 11:48:07 AM
You need to talk to him now about this, not after he proposes. If you can be with a guy in a relationship this long but you can't talk to him about something that important, then why are you with him at all? You can't change that he wants what you don't, but you sure can stop him from making a step you know you are going to reject. Tell him the truth, now. You may lose him if he wants more, but you are more likely to lose him if you let him think you led him on then embarrassed him and hurt him by letting him propose.

Who knows, maybe he's happy just the way it is. You shouldn't have to play some game of breaking up and dating others over and over like was suggested above, it's not the honeymoon phase that I get from you, it's the not wanting to get married realization that many of us have. Doesn't mean we don't fall in love or don't want a relationship. Living with/marrying isn't the end goal for everyone.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 34
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/19/2012 8:13:28 AM

I love this man more than life itself. He is everything I've ever wanted and needed. He came out of nowhere. It is the most intimate relationship I have ever had. Physically, spiritually and emotionally....I can't imagine my life without him by my side.


If you're telling this to your boyfriend, you are sending out mixed and very confusing messages. In almost every case, it's the woman who pushes for marriage because almost every woman fantasizes about having a fairy tale wedding. So the guy is assuming that's what you want, not realizing you are one of the very few that's not caught up in delusional fairy tales, so he's prepared to bite the bullet to please you. He would probably be relieved he's not pressured into living out a woman's fantasy. But if tell him all of the above-about can't imagine not having him by your side and all that jazz-and then say to him: "But I can't imagine living with you", that will be just as confusing. On the one had, you're telling him you can't live without him, and on the other hand, you're telling him you can't live with him You have to realize that a woman's view of logic and a man's view of logic are totally different.
 MacInOC
Joined: 2/19/2012
Msg: 35
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/19/2012 8:43:03 AM
^^^^^ Exactly my point. Well said.


I like having my own space and knowing that if I want to be alone, I can.


and ...


I love this man more than life itself. He is everything I've ever wanted and needed. He came out of nowhere. It is the most intimate relationship I have ever had. Physically, spiritually and emotionally....I can't imagine my life without him by my side.


is confusing. At least to me and maleman9.

Someone said you can live together and still " have your own space and know that if I want to be alone, I can". Maybe it's just me, but when two people live together, they sleep, dress, shower, eat every day / night in the same house (unless separate traveling or separate vacations). Shower there, dress there, live there. How do you get your own space and be alone, say on a random Wednesday night? Just kick your mate out and say don't come home? Inquiring minds want to know.
 1bellanella
Joined: 1/24/2010
Msg: 37
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Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/19/2012 10:41:49 AM

Someone said you can live together and still " have your own space and know that if I want to be alone, I can". Maybe it's just me, but when two people live together, they sleep, dress, shower, eat every day / night in the same house (unless separate traveling or separate vacations). Shower there, dress there, live there. How do you get your own space and be alone, say on a random Wednesday night? Just kick your mate out and say don't come home? Inquiring minds want to know.


It can take some effort but it's definately do-able. Smart couples will plan alone time. In my case, planning alone time now that we cohabitate is easier than planning our days together was when we lived apart. I will take a weekend every so often and spend it with my parents so that my boyfriend has time with out me around. I have hobbies he is not involved in that afford us each time apart. If you feel strongly that you need your own "space" you could always get a place with muliple bedrooms and create your own space.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 38
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/19/2012 1:34:59 PM
There's a reason why some guys have man caves. I suppose a woman could also have a woman cave. If one or both are working, they get quite a bit of time apart as it is, especially if one or both are working a lot of hours or has a long commute. Along with daily chores or routine or outside interests, there really isn't a lot of time devoted to each other. I guess some people still want to think of getting together with their mate as a date, but if they live together, the dating feeling isn't there anymore.
 MOTORCYCLEMAN4U
Joined: 2/12/2008
Msg: 40
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/20/2012 3:49:44 PM
One women's dream is another's nightmare. Do you know how many women want your problem ? I guess if you truly love him you will consider a long engagement and really discussing what you both want. If you are still feeling good about him make a honest man out of him already lol.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 42
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/20/2012 4:30:58 PM

One women's dream is another's nightmare. Do you know how many women want your problem ? I guess if you truly love him you will consider a long engagement and really discussing what you both want. If you are still feeling good about him make a honest man out of him already lol.


You can't make an honest man out of a little boy...........



My god, no wonder you need your own place... 3 kids!

I wouldn't marry or live with someone with three small children. That changes everything!



You value your free time, and you won't have any if you marry this man, wonderful aas he may be. In fact, you may find yourself baby-sitting while he pursues his other interests


Yeah.....NO KIDDING! - but take it a step further - she would not only be babysitting those kids, but she more than likely would be raising them right along with him as well.

I wouldnt live with or get married......period......and if the guy was pressuring me.....well.....I would do the same thing I did last time. - Take a loonnnngggg walk and NOT look back!
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 43
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/20/2012 10:21:22 PM
Is your fear of losing him greater than your desire to not be married or vice versa? To me that's the question.

Two of my ex's asked me to marry them and I said no.. I just knew it wasn't the right relationship for me in a forever sense. And, they knew my feelings on marriage long before they asked me too. I think some people use a proposal to 'save' an otherwise drowning relationship, but that doesn't seem to be the scenario in your case Op..

I have softened over the years. Marriage still isn't important to me, but if it were important to the man I love and have chosen to be with, then I would absolutely say yes.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 44
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 8/21/2012 6:56:27 AM

Logistically, it would be very difficult to live under one roof as I don't have the space for 4 more people.


If you two were to move in together, why would he move into your place? Doesn't he have a place of his own? Is he still living with his wife or in mommy's basement? There's no way I would allow someone with rug rats to move into my place. My house is not kiddy proof and have no intention of converting my home into a big toy room and hiding everything of value. His place is probably kiddy oriented already, so why would there be any idea of moving him into your place?
 Lucky...13
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 48
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 1/23/2013 4:17:20 PM
Long Term Engagement
IMHO You're boondoggling. In your OP you stated that you really didn't want to get married. How much longer are you going to" linger and lollygag"? Just a feeble attempt to keep him around and keep you away from the altar. The *long term engagement* is the answer........Tisk Tisk. So sad OP.
To thine own self be true
 Lucky...13
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 51
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 1/23/2013 5:04:37 PM

I'm not leading him on ..

Guilty Conscience?
To be continued in a Perpetual Planning Purgatory aka...... Long Term Engagement. IMHO~" Long Term Engagement" is code for cold feet or keeping options open for women until the grass becomes greener on the other side



We will sign a prenup

The prenup is a red flag that there are some serious trust issues from the get go. Who's idea was that?

To @_shakti_ Below

what is between you and your partner

Too late....dirty laundry is already out on the clothesline.... If it was meant to be a private issue then the OP should have never posted
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 52
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 1/23/2013 5:07:15 PM
Happy for you Op and thanks for the update!

You don't need to explain yourself to anyone, what is between you and your partner is what matters :)
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 54
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 1/23/2013 5:22:46 PM
All I can say is the marriage will prove if your love to each other was stronger or not. marriage or no marriage should not change any situation between you too right? so why afraid of marriage?
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 57
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 1/23/2013 5:42:31 PM
^^ Well c'mon.. something HAS to be wrong here, you aren't a woman chomping at the bit to move the relationship to marriage (like the vast and imo mindless majority)! You must have no morals and just want to cheat!!
 sunflower208
Joined: 6/21/2006
Msg: 58
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History
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 1/24/2013 5:33:37 PM
I had broke up relation ship with the same reasons,when I meet guys I always make sure to let them know there will not be marriage. for some reason they only hear what they want to hear and they will try hard wanted me to change my mind and then change the relation ships. I am a one man woman very loyal and committed,but don't see the reasons to be marry again.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 59
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 1/24/2013 6:41:27 PM
I don't think there is a law that says you have to live together and be joined at the hip every moment of the day to be married. Plenty of married people have separate homes.

Besides, you have it easy - sometimes the significant other wants kids (more kids).

Usually, it's the other way around. Often it's the woman that nags the man about marriage.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 60
Boyfriend talking marriage
Posted: 1/25/2013 5:25:20 AM

You don't want to marry HIM. When true love comes along, even the most cynical of us are swept away and, at that point, almost all would consider marriage. My contention is that you have not met the right guy yet.

I got news for ya. Not all people think marriage comes with falling in love. Not wanting to get married means...you don't want to get married. Wanting to wait and get married in the future after you've decided everyone is ready for it is a logical thing to do as well. It's not cynicism, it's a preference. There are plenty of men who can be in love and yet still not want to marry or marry immediately...why can't a woman feel the same way?

Well c'mon.. something HAS to be wrong here, you aren't a woman chomping at the bit to move the relationship to marriage (like the vast and imo mindless majority)! You must have no morals and just want to cheat!!

I know, tell me about it. I guess as women all we were put on earth to do first and foremost is find a guy and become a spouse. If we're trying to do anything else, we must be up to something. Pffft!
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