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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?      Home login  
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 Indysweetpea
Joined: 9/10/2012
Msg: 15
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I think you should communicate the indecisive feelings. Say your not ready to fully commit today for a full blown relationship but still want to date and see where things go. No one can determine your relationship but both people involved.
[I want in man in my life to do things with that is available and willing to start off as friends, shares my interests, and wants to spend time with me simply just to share time with someone whose company they enjoy.]

That is dating go do it and enjoy your life without the drama and stress and just have fun. That is truly what I have been doing and it seems to be working for me as long as the communication is there on both sides. If we end up engaged or married in the long term then great, if not we both loved and enjoyed our time together.
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 16
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/22/2012 11:51:14 AM
You sound like you are looking for someone to start off as a friend that has the potential for something more. Make up your mind. Are you looking for someone(s) to be just friends or are you looking for a relationship?


Thus the title of my thread. I want to find someone whose available and interested in the same things I am...but I 'm not interested in starting off as anything more than as friends...I want to get to know the person....spend time with them and enjoy life. Dating doesn't mean it's necessarily bound to be romantic....why can't you spend time with a person because you enjoy their company.

It's been my experience that if I say I want to start off as friends ( meaning no I'm not going to jump in the sack with you) some, not all men, get really pissed. What is wrong with taking the time to get to know someone and enjoy their company? I know there are some women who behave the same...they want to skip from dating to LTR. I am moving slow and steadily.

In regard to the dancing....I dance with both men and women...but if I'm out dancing and would like to slow dance, it would be far more appealing to dance with a male companion whose company I enjoy that some random person at a club.


I think you should communicate the indecisive feelings. Say your not ready to fully commit today for a full blown relationship but still want to date and see where things go. No one can determine your relationship but both people involved.


That is exactly how I state it on my profile. I'm certainly not diving into anything without being upfront and honest with any interested person. But, as I stated, if you even mention you want to meet socially as friends that becomes a bone of contention for some men. I respect anyone's feelings as I'd hope they'd respect and understand mine on some level.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 17
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/22/2012 1:22:03 PM
I only consider relationships when I am around someone I want to be with and it's possible one will develop. I don't think about them when there's no prospect for one in the scenery. I have only felt indecisive about relationships when the opportunity for one presented itself for me and it wasn't going to fit neatly into my life because of timing. For example, this guy is great, we're mutually attracted, we get along and have a lot in common but one or both of us has so much going on that it will be a challenge to make a lot of time (and myself and the guys I usually date aren't usually real intense about having to be together constantly - so the time has to be really non-existent to call that a dealbreaker).
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 18
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/22/2012 3:18:06 PM
OP, I felt exactly like you do for years. I've had ongoing trust issues and just felt I was better off alone -- no entanglements, no broken hearts -- just peace and quiet. And none of the men I was meeting had "it" and I'm really too too selfish to give up my time to just anyone. When I resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life -- and I was perfectly OK with that -- along comes the guy I'm dating now and blew my plans to hell lol

It's very tough to lay your heart on the line again and again. But we had such an instant and strong connection, we couldn't deny it. We've both been hurt, so we're taking things slow. But we're so happy we found each other. I didn't realize how much I missed that connection until I found it again.

Bottom line is -- when that perfect-for-you person comes along, it'll be crystal clear to you. At least it was for me.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 19
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/22/2012 4:24:13 PM
Why yes... I sometimes feel the same way that you do.

Of course, I generally know that I want the "full package" and I want to be in a committed relationship with someone I love. I'm usually willing to make an investment in building a good relationship. However, it's really easy to meet people who are half-hearted and only interest in the sex.... And then I debate "should I just settle for less or make an exception".

However, truthfully is settling ever the best thing to do... even if the sex is great? I think that settling for someone who doesn't really love you only prevents you from meeting the right person. And, is settling for "just friends" any better? Sure, maybe you aren't going to get hurt and it gives you time to see if the other person is trustworthy. But, there is also a lack of chemistry and passion in friendships. So, maybe in the end it's just another waste of time.

My thoughts are that it's best to focus on what you really want and not spend too much time on the detours unless you are really happy there- and... maybe use caution when the situation calls for caution.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 20
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/22/2012 5:20:21 PM

Ffrin msg14:You are talking about what you may or may nor want from someone you may or may not meet in the future.
When/if we do meet someone, our behaviour is more likely to be determined by how we feel about that person, than by how we determined in advance we were going to feel about him or her.


(one for the fridge door)
 OKgirl529
Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 21
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/23/2012 3:10:53 PM
I don't think I've ever felt indecisive about what I want in a relationship.
I want to find someone who I can eventually marry and have a family and life with forever.
There are times when I think I'll never find it, and consider just settling for something less.
But at the end of the day, I still want something long term and am still waiting for it.
 KratosSpawn
Joined: 10/24/2010
Msg: 22
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/23/2012 3:29:22 PM
It seems like your big hiccup here is wanting a relationship were sex is withheld. The problem arise b/c you want him to give you all this emotional comfort and attention but you want to hold out on what he wants(not all he wants, but a part of it). Why do you feel like physical intimacy will mess it up? If these men slept with you and disappeared, that might have been all they wanted.

You need to allow those wounds from those past relationships to heal so you can have your mind right to offer a man what he needs and more and be right in expecting him to do the same.
 moonbeamloveragain
Joined: 7/24/2012
Msg: 23
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/23/2012 4:15:10 PM
I talk to people all the time (both genders) and this is REALLY common.

People, from what I have seen, are a whole lot more decisive about what they DON'T want... but many don't have a clue what they do want.

Where you are up on them? Is that you at least recognize it and can state it. When you start to date someone who says they want something, only for them to understand what it is that really means they realize that isn't even remotely what they want, it can blindside a person.

People want to make sure that not only can you articulate what you are looking for in a relationship AND in a person within that relationship; but if you can't, make sure they are aware of this so they don't think you are wanting something only to have the rules change when you become more sure of yourself... I wish a lot more people did this that are online; it would save a LOT of bitter gender posts about what "all" men or "all" women are...

As for me personally? I feel like I know what I want; but because I keep ending up with similar people I know there is a me component in there that I'm missing; (being a giver ALWAYS end up with takers, or being an emotionally open person people open up to; end up with those who are closed but crave me because they want to come out of their shell; and DO briefly come out of their shell only to slam back into it within weeks... tighter than before; because the fear of vulnerability is too intense and too lifelong to change)...

I know what I want. But I have no clue how on earth to recognize it. But it's not keeping me from getting to know people and seeing if there is a really good fit connection that is healthy and wants give/take as well. Keep learning yourself OP, keep reaching out to people and see who is out there, and how they fit with you as a person. i did friends dating for a few years when I first was divorced before I made myself available at all to romantic potential... and it was GOOD getting to know guys in a safe, mentally intimate but sexually platonic way; made some lifelong friends, learned a lot how different guys thought and learned how I felt around certain personality types and how they felt around me. Then once I was ready to take it a step farther I changed my profile status and made people aware that though I thought friends first was good; I was open to something deeper developing without my blocking it; now that I was in a good place in life to make time for romantic significant other interaction. That worked for me pretty well; it might be a better fit for you while you try and figure out how you fit and what you want. As long as you are extremely clear with your potential friends that at this point, it would be friends only and non sexual while you get yourself to a place where life is calmer, and you are in the position to bring a friendship to the next level.

Best of luck to you.
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 24
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/24/2012 3:44:17 AM
Thanks everyone. Much of what I'm getting in feedback makes so much sense. I'm just coasting right now and focusing more on me and what will be will be. I know what I want...and I know, better now, what I do not want. I guess it boils down to establishing a friendship based on mutual likes or tastes in things we both like to do.

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring...but I'm going to enjoy today and all it has to offer. It's also realizing I'm not alone in some of my feelings.
 somekinda_wonderful
Joined: 4/21/2012
Msg: 25
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History
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/24/2012 1:06:23 PM
Great topic, after being widowed i struggled with this greatly. Do i look for casual, long-term, and how do I know what a man is really looking for, is he a player/liar/etc. Started reading the forums, so much negativity, people who go "poof" and "what did I do wrong threads", now i'm wondering if I want to date at all.

It took me a while to get back on track, remember a date is just that, only a date, if its fun go on another one, if he does'nt call back, its ok, if it works out to a whole bunch of dates that turn into a relationship - bonus. But relaxing and having fun is key. I don't need someone to support me or complete me, so i'm not going to analyze or stress over semantics or how things should progress. So yes, your right - enjoy today and all it has to offer :)
 Nicesmile03
Joined: 5/6/2011
Msg: 26
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/24/2012 1:17:39 PM
I think we all can try to or have lived this experience...
I just want to feel HAPPY again and just be a part of the word True love....
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 27
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/24/2012 2:22:35 PM
OP: If you're going to be withholding parts of yourself-like wanting a "friends only" type of relationship without intimacy and sex-guys will think you have a lot of baggage and issues, and you will never find the "One" because you have scared off the "One". If you actually want a relationship with a guy, you need to deal with these issues instead of expecting a guy to understand and deal with your issues. Would you want to go out with a guy who was full of issues and had a ton of baggage? It works both ways.

Here's an earth shattering, mind boggling statement: You aren't the first person in the history of the universe to have a failed marriage or relationship. There have been real cases of people getting rid of baggage and moving on in life. Try to find out their secret instead of playing the "I want a real relationship but nobody is going to get to my heart" game. The only thing you are accomplishing is proving you are damaged goods. The only guys you're going to attract are damaged guys.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 28
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/25/2012 7:17:30 AM

Thus the title of my thread. I want to find someone whose available and interested in the same things I am...but I 'm not interested in starting off as anything more than as friends...I want to get to know the person....spend time with them and enjoy life. Dating doesn't mean it's necessarily bound to be romantic....why can't you spend time with a person because you enjoy their company.


Thus the meaning of my first post. These are what I call friends. I'm sorry. Iif you take the sex factor off of the table, and the so called friend no longer wants anything to do with you, than they weren't a friend to start with. If being a friend is a prerequisite for you to start a relationship than that person just showed you their true colors and you should thank them and be on your way. Plenty of Fish philosophy.

I don't see this as your problem. Nothing for YOU to fix. It's sad that it's that way. Enlighten me if I'm missing your point. That's just how I see it.
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 29
Have you ever felt really indecisive about relationships?
Posted: 9/25/2012 4:34:17 PM
At the end of the day, I think some of us are so worried about jumping into a relationship we really don't take the time to get to know someone. Then after you bump uglies the questions come..especially when either party beats feet or acts differently. Just read a few of the forums....the horror stories are endless.

If the person I spend time with feelings change it would be HIS responsibility to speak up----the same would be true if that were the case with me. The best part of all of this is that I'm not dating anyone....I'm not 'hanging out' either and the only men on this site who have approached me were simply looking for sex....and believe me if I wanted sex I'm not sure this would be the place I'd go looking for it.

I'm open to spending time with a man, but for now I spend most of my free time going out with my gal pals, my family and spending time with my kids. I was dating someone for 8 yrs and for the most part it worked, but recently he said some things that not only shocked me, it hurt me. I confronted him and my gift was silence. No explanation....no apology...nothing. In the past he'd pull this sh*t and I foolishly tolerated it because eventually he'd come around, say he was sorry and we'd make up.

I finally reached my 'enough'---I told him honestly how I was feeling and expected he would have said something. Instead of being sad I discovered the hurt became anger which reinforced, for me at least, it was over. He never really wanted to do the things we did initially when we began dating, however I would try to engage in the things he liked. I might be a big woman, but I like to go out and do things....all he ever wanted to do towards the end was go out to dinner, watch a movie or sports, then go to bed.

My mother, whose 73 and doesn't generally interfere in my love life, even called him an a$$hole and felt I was better off without him. I like going dancing, bowling, playing pool ( even if I'm not that great), going to the beach, hitting the casino....hell, I even like going for walks. Those are just some of the things I'd like to do with a person.....but if you list activity partner on here...or for that matter suggest it....most men automatically think SEX.

Still...wanting companionship doesn't mean I want to have sex....I want someone whose company I enjoy. The beauty is, my honesty simply weeds out those men who want sex only as a way of sharing my company. I want to go out and enjoy life and I am. I do like the company of a man, but I'm doing okay on my own.





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