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Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 21
How honest ?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)

OP: You have THREE children, all for whom you've the responsibility of caring, regardless of the relationships you have/had/have with the mothers. Quite frankly, the mother of your youngest son just had him five months ago and you and she had ended the relationship two months ago. Since you have absconded responsibility of child number three and responsibility of the last relation which only ended two months ago and now you search for mommy number three, I suggest that you sort out your business before you bed another woman and leave another child bereft.

Like she said.

Prove you are a person of good character and not just some dimwit sperm donor.

Man up.
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 22
How honest ?
Posted: 10/1/2012 2:59:53 PM
personally I think it's none of the other person's business. unless you're in a committed relationship and unless she asks. even then, if she wants to judge you for what you do and don't do, well, you don't want that type of woman anyway. also, you have to do what you think is right for you and your child. If not seeing him/her is best, then it is, and it's no one's right to judge you. my brother had a kid back in his mid 20's and the girl and her mom made it so difficult for him that he finally gave up. sometimes you just get to that point. you can't be blamed for that.
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 23
How honest ?
Posted: 10/1/2012 4:36:18 PM

So at what point do you think I should explain the situation ?

This is what "deathbed confessions" are for......

Or , the day after you quit being governor of California...

Seriously, though, you have 3 biological children, so as soon as someone asks, that's your answer...3 children.......and then be prepared to start providing the details since it's likely they will start asking about custody, how often you see them, etc..........
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 24
view profile
How honest ?
Posted: 10/1/2012 6:22:48 PM
Personally I have a very very low opinion of any parent who doesn't have good contact with their child(ren), and I have an even lower opinion of people who say their ex is so unstable that they can't be around them but leave a helpless infant with them to raise alone.
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 25
view profile
How honest ?
Posted: 10/1/2012 11:16:55 PM

personally I think it's none of the other person's business. unless you're in a committed relationship

Actually, yeah, it is my business if you want to date me. Because I need to know if you are going to bring other people into my life if you want to date me.
This isn't just children, this could mean elderly parent YOU are caretaker to, if you are lving with roommates, if you own dogs, etc. I don't need to know the details, but I need to know what I maybe getting myself into.

even then, if she wants to judge you for what you do and don't do, well, you don't want that type of woman anyway.

Yep, I'm going to have an opinion on someone that has children, but doesn't see them or take care of them.
I personally think a 40 year old guy with 2 pre-teen kids from one relationship and 5 month old kid with another woman has some issues and any woman afterwards needs to know upfront what the hell she getting into.
Joined: 7/24/2012
Msg: 27
How honest ?
Posted: 10/1/2012 11:29:07 PM

I have two children aged 9 & 6 from a previous relationship that ended three years ago. I also have a 5 month old baby with another woman who I am no longer with. I have had no contact with the baby since his mother ended the relationship and made me leave, when he was 3 months old. Long story but if I was to have access it would end up being detrimental to me and my other two children due to my ex-partners self confessed "issues", eg..commitment phobia, psychological bullying, manipulation etc.

well, OP, I know you want to know what to tell any prospective future mother... uh I mean future dating partner...and when...

but before you get to the point where you know when to tell her about your baby you are avoiding because interaction with it will harm you and its siblings because of its at risk environment (in your opinion)...

so I guess my question is this...

First off, how much of the emotionalism is the fact you have a woman postpartum trying to deal with single parenting immediately in the throes of postpartum while the father of her baby has removed from her and its life?

And if it is more than just postpartum emotional instability if you are correct, you want to protect yourself and your older children... from a baby whose sole crime is being raised by himself in a home where he was procreated by you and his mother; and where you left with his half siblings and left him fully in her care, knowing that in your opinion it will destabilize him and make him a risk to anyone he interacts with in future?

Maybe you didn't mean to come across that way? But if you bring an innocent baby into the world, and you believe that the innocent baby who has to be entrusted into the care of people who will love, raise and nuture him or her; you are honestly ok walking away from said baby because you are already so convinced he will be messed up from warped destructive care you don't want him "tainting" his own father or his half brothers?

Maybe the question you should be asking isn't when you should tell future women daters about the baby you abandoned... it should possibly be when should you tell yourself? Because it doesn't appear you have let yourself know this is what you are doing... you seem to have yourself sold it is something else altogether.

With full respect
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 30
How honest ?
Posted: 10/2/2012 5:25:14 AM

I think you need to QUIT HAVING children till you get your act together. Get a vasectomy!

Thank God somebody said it. Jesus.

Why do you have to leave every relationship with a 'parting gift' or two? Either learn how contraception WORKS or get a vasectomy. You obviously don't want to see the infant or you'd actively get legal counsel to insure that you DO see him. You think any woman is going to believe that nonsense excuse that the mother of the infant told you that you can't see him so that's the end of it? Please.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 31
view profile
How honest ?
Posted: 10/2/2012 7:05:06 AM

I had a look at his profile and I am wondering whats wrong with that it deserves that comment??

Well in the time he took to write this thread he could actually have done something with the profile.

As for the thread topic, your life currently is a train wreck fix it before you drag someone else on your amusement park ride.

And seriously, you need to go to court about the baby. If she's unstable she shouldn't be raising a kid alone.
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 32
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How honest ?
Posted: 10/2/2012 7:08:58 AM

The only way I stand a chance of forming a relationship with the child is to go through the courts, which isn't easy when you have been ejected from your house and are trying to provide for two other children.

You WILL be asked what the issue is with your 3rd child and you have answered it in the above quote.
It's hard to comprehend why a parent will not try to form a relationship with their child. Court's are there for a reason unless you did something bad that will not go in your favour.
Only hearing one side of the story make's a person think about the 'other' side...just sayin
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 33
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How honest ?
Posted: 10/2/2012 7:10:07 AM
The fact that you are asking the question means deep down you know your issues are most certainly a dealbreaker for most women and you are basically asking us how long we think you should keep the info/details from a new partner with a bit of justification. You have a whole spectrum of answers here so you can pick the ones you agree with and go ahead with your dating. I just hope that vasectomy did indeed happen, it sounded like you were just being defensive.
Joined: 7/24/2012
Msg: 35
How honest ?
Posted: 10/2/2012 9:45:43 AM
Uh, OP,

you are equating married men cheating with prostitutes to a man walking away from his own flesh and blood?

What I said was, you need to say the truth to YOURSELF.

Is it difficult to establish rights for one's own child? Absolutely. I run a divorced group and custody is a huge issue with many of the people in it. There are court things. There is OFTEN one parent making it difficult for the other parent to see their own child. Many of them in situations identical to yours ironically.

Being a parent is not an easy thing. It is not a right; it is a responsibility. When flesh and blood comes into the world by us; we are responsible for said flesh and blood. Financially, but also morally. And you are giving yourself every excuse in the book why you justify walking away from your own son, some of which were because you worried he would make things awkward and uncomfortable for you and his half brothers, because of the unstable environment he is living in. To me, that is not a reason to walk away; that is a reason you dang well want to make EXTRA sure he has your "stability" (though I'm not seeing a lot of it in your posts, no offense). If he is only around someone you are portraying (if you are accurate) as unstable and at risk as a parent. Everything you are saying? You are not being honest with yourself. You want to pat yourself on the back for putting a fact out there that anyone should not only own up to; but be proud of? Your son grows up someday and finds out his dad pretended he didn't exist, because he thought if a cheating husband was out whoring out and didn't get caught; it shouldn't matter you fathered a baby, walked away, never fought to see or have any interaction with said baby; and since no one was being "hurt" by it; it didn't matter you acknowledged that they exist at all whatsoever. What will he think about his father?

What will he think about his father when he finds out the reason you didn't want to see him or interact with him was because you knew he would be too messed up from living with his mother to be around you and your other sons to not mess you guys up too?

If you were him, how would you feel about you?

If you can answer that honestly, then turn around and compare keeping silent with that to a cheating husband (who can and does hurt someone with his actions whether or not they "know" it), then I won't bother to answer anymore... bedcause your mind is made up and you want validation for your choice. You are already decided.

But it is a choice I am seeing no one else able to validate. Being a parent means manning up or womanining up, in the best interest of the child. It is difficult; whether courts or involved, or whether it isn't. But regardless of how a child shows up in the world, once they are here, they are BOTH parents child. You walk away knowingly for any reason?

Then don't lie to yourself. Be brutally honest. You are abandoning them to an unstable mother, to be raised in a place you have said will harm them psychologically.

And you are doing it while patting yourself on the back for your honesty; since people cheating are much worse (I personally don't think there is anything worse than an abandoning parent, but that's just me). So if you want answers, read them objectively, if you really really want to understand where people are coming from. Not defensively; because not only your son is missing out from you; you are missing out from a chance to know your son. Hard or not; it's worth it. But glad you finally did the vasectomy. Three is definitely enough :)
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 36
How honest ?
Posted: 10/2/2012 7:12:52 PM

Thanks to the people who stuck to the subject. Thanks to the people who saw that I might have reasons for doing what I have. And the people who slated me, you are entitled to your opinion but when you dont know all the facts its easy to judge people isnt it.

exactly. for the guy up top who says it is his business if you're dating him... no, it's not. It's your business if and when you decide to be committed and knowing what you're committing to. honestly the judgemental tendencies of people who have never been in such a situation make me want to vomit. this guy came here asking for help and opinions, not baseless judgement. you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 37
How honest ?
Posted: 10/2/2012 7:56:32 PM
If it comes out that you've lied later it won't look good. I liked the suggestion about having three children with their mother having custody. Unless she asks, if you go into specific details it will just seem like drama and extra baggage.
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 38
view profile
How honest ?
Posted: 10/3/2012 9:27:46 AM
If/when I meet a new partner I would expect them to run a mile if I tell them I have a 5 month old baby that I don't see, but at the same time I want to be honest because the truth always comes out in the end. If I wait until the relationship develops to mention the baby, it could appear that I haven't been open and honest.

So at what point do you think I should explain the situation ?

Thanks for any replies

msg 37: You read what I wrote but apparently you didn't understand it. I hardly call what I quoted from the OP a "baseless judgement". In fact it has quite a bit of information on what to expect if someone decides to date the OP. And he KNOWS right of the bat how MOST women will react.

I think it is a $hitty thing to do to withhold information that you have a 5 month old child out there and to wait until a relationship to develop to tell someone about it. I'm funny that way.

But hey, I think its cool that you don't care to know if a guy you are going to date, doesn't have infant children.
Joined: 8/5/2012
Msg: 39
How honest ?
Posted: 10/3/2012 12:11:32 PM
Hi Craig!
Interesting story you have there.....I don't know how long its been since you separated from your most recent relationship, but if you would have such an "expectation" such as a person running a mile after you tell them about a life that exists in your world, which you helped to create, it WILL manifest!

Because we attract all that we focus on!
This is the law of attraction!

At this point, I would identify with your idea of having to keep "secrets", especially about children.
Where is the threat that you see in your minds eye?
And why is it there?

Your greatest relationship really NEEDS to be with yourself----
so that you can teach your children to be GREAT as well!

Remember always that relationships only succeed when each individual is able to be transparent. :)
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 40
How honest ?
Posted: 10/3/2012 3:59:28 PM

Msg 1:
Long story but if I was to have access it would end up being detrimental to me and my other two children due to my ex-partners self confessed "issues", eg..commitment phobia, psychological bullying, manipulation etc.

Msg 37:
this guy came here asking for help and opinions, not baseless judgement. you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Msg 25:
I have an even lower opinion of people who say their ex is so unstable that they can't be around them but leave a helpless infant with them to raise alone.

Get off your dead ass, OP, and if your ex is as bad as you claim, get the HELL off this site and make your priority the safety and well-being of your baby, FFS.

Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 41
How honest ?
Posted: 10/3/2012 4:32:35 PM
No offense, but as a parent, I do not understand fathers who refuse to have contact with the children they created because of some issue with the mother. What did that child do to deserve getting no love or attention from his/her father? Watch COURAGEOUS...every father should. Then get over whatever the issues you have with the mothers of your babies, and be a father to your offspring.
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 42
view profile
How honest ?
Posted: 10/3/2012 10:56:38 PM

And for the people criticising my lack of profile on here, I am just thinking ahead, not trying to date anyone yet but so far its demonstrating what being honest does. It's no wonder a lot of blokes lie through their teeth. I have friends who cheat all over the place including with prostitutes, but their wives and girlfriends think they are great husbands because what they dont know doesnt hurt them. Maybe I should try being economical with the truth because so far in my life being honest has got me nowhere. Even the ex I am talking about said I was "too" honest.

Ok OP, we get it. You're 40 years old and you want to me someone that will make you happy. Sure, I'm a guy, I really do understand.
But, here's a bite of the reality sandwich. You got 2 baby mama dramas in your life. Your life's situation will have a MAJOR impact on any woman you decide to bring into your sphere.

It would be a $hitty thing to start dating a woman and then admit to her, "Hey, I need to let you know I got a 5 month old infant by a pyscho ex and at some point I may even try to get custody of it, you in for that?"

That's not a judgement call, that is cold hard facts. And being "economical" about the truth is like a girl saying she is a little pregnant.
So what, you have friends that cheat on their wives? Doesn't make it right. And you aren't your friends.
You need to live your life according to YOUR benchmark.
So you say being honest has got you nowhere?
Huh, I seem to recall you got 3 kids out of the deal. Time to man-up and realize you have a FAMILY.
You can't be the young swinging bachlor on a dating site anymore.

I'm also trying to wrap my head around the deside effect you really want to happen.

You meet someone, date for awhile, while not explaining your situation, and then when you guys start being committed, you unload the total truth on her and she smile accross the table and says it's ok, I'll stand by you no matter what because I know you are just one hellava guy?
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 43
view profile
How honest ?
Posted: 10/4/2012 9:32:07 PM

I think you need to quit having children till you get your act together. Get a vasectomy!

Why oh why does it need to cut a small piece of his family JEWEL can he not zip his pants and cross her legs..

Yeah corny joke, I have to tickle myself to laugh at my joke..................
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