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 timeforall
Joined: 8/26/2012
Msg: 55
Should I date someone who has been sober for five yearsPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
earthdog, don't sweat it. I agree with you, but the fact is that somebody asking the advice of anonymous posters about whether to date a particular person isn't worth anything, and those offering advice about whether to date somebody aren't worthy anything. Face it, the women who opined that op should not date the guy . . would you want to date those type of judgmental women? Of course not. The reason there are so many single and divorced guys here is because we have run away from these type of women. There are some decent women out there. Maybe 20% of their total population. You just have to have some luck and make some efforts to meet them.
 SSC-SAF
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 56
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 11/18/2012 8:29:48 PM

But I’m surprised and wary that he wanted you to go to meetings with him four times. How long have you two been dating?


OP said she went OUT with him four times. She didn't say that the dates were AA meetings.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 57
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 11/24/2012 4:00:33 PM
Op. if you just found out about this--ok

But if you knew at the start that he was going to AA meetings and had been sober for 5 years and you are posting this now after 4 dates-- shame on you Most I have met tell you right up front!

Before the first date was the time to make a decision if this would bother you--not four dates into it cause now it looks like you were just using him and not interested until now-- completely unfair of you to now question the value of seeing him, the man has overcome one of the hardest addictions (consider how often drinking is shown on tv as being the way of life for most people, any restaurant he goes in he gets asked--etc). It is hard enough without people judging someone on their past--a past he is moving away from--and the answer is how does he act--if he acts like he has a screw loose --he does, if he acts like he has addiction issues--he does, if he acts like he is a man who got his life back together and is looking for a better future then based your decision on who he is now--no one hear can answer this since we dont know him.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 58
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 11/24/2012 6:16:27 PM
I’ve known lots of alcoholics…many of them relatives, now dead.

My best friend from high school has spent her entire adult life enabling her alcoholic husband. He’s racked up DUIs in at least two states. She’s an RN and has told me she’ll never put him through detox, because she’s seen what it’s like. She’s given him a lifetime pass to drink.

I’ve known of LOTS of alcoholic men with wives who were/are nurses. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.

I was in love and lived with an alcoholic who was sober for years. He had absolutely no problem buying me an occasional bottle of booze. He’s smart, handsome, funny and speaks Latin. :)

I don’t think someone asking questions and advice of others makes him/her “judgmental”…jumping to conclusions without facts makes a person judgmental, imo.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 59
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 11/25/2012 11:03:37 AM
Wow ... Thanks.

OP - Here's a link to on-line Al-Anon:

http://www.ola-is.org/

 i_ski_do_u
Joined: 11/26/2009
Msg: 60
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 11/26/2012 5:58:42 PM
For around 10 years I was involved with an alcoholic. I never was a drinker, maybe an occasional drink with dinner when out with friends, though usually not. Anyway, I am hyper-sensitive to people who drink a lot. I’m talking about 1 or 2 drinks before dinner, another 1 or 2 with dinner and then a couple of nightcaps. When I see the term “social drinker” on these dating sites, I wonder what they consider to be social. I’d rather date a 5 year sober person in AA who tells me than found out a after the fact that a “social drinker” is more than a “social drinker.” I’d rather date a smoker than a drinker........ never had any grief from someone who had another cigarette or had to dodge a smoking driver.

Yes, I have been to Al-Anon. A great organization.
 KneadyOne
Joined: 5/14/2010
Msg: 61
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/10/2013 5:05:45 PM
This topic may well be dead since no one has posted in over a month, since the day after Thanksgiving to be exact. What happened? Did everyone fall off the wagon for all the holidays?

But to the point...I'm having a hard time figuring out what constitutes an alcoholic in the opinions of the contributors here. What is the difference between a person who belongs to AA and one who does not, yet they both drink an equal amount?
What is a "moderate" drinker? What is a "social" drinker? IS there a difference between the "social drinker" who visits the club every night, and the "social drinker" who only visits the club on Friday and Saturday night?
And why why why, did I not see a single reference to any female alcoholics? Are women who drink somehow different from men who drink?
 bogienights
Joined: 12/24/2012
Msg: 62
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/10/2013 7:15:30 PM
If a person is an alchoholic, is now sober either through the assistance of AA and continues going to AA - good on you. I can't really see a person who is alchoholic and still drinking going to AA.

To me, and only me, a social drinker is someone who has one or two drinks at a party or after work on a Friday, or maybe once or twice a month has a glass of wine with dinner. That's me, I can go for months without having a drink. A moderate drinker is someone, in my opinion, that has a glass of wine with dinner or while cooking dinner every night. To some, no big deal - to me, nah, not what I like or what I'm into. A heavy drinker, to me, is someone that has 2 or more drinks per day, much more on the weekends. Then comes the ones with problems, big problems.

I guess some of this depends on how you look at alchohol or smoking dope. To me there is not much difference between drinking and smoking dope. I don't want an excess of either.

As for women and booze, it's an equal opportunity disease. I've actually known more women alchoholics then men. There are women drug addicts. There are women who hit men, abusers. There are women who cheat, lie, steal, etc. They are no different then men.

And yes, I would date someone that has been sober for 5 years, especially if he's still involved in a sober community like AA.
 SpittyKitty
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 63
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/10/2013 8:18:06 PM

Without even meeting me, these self-righteous women have already condemned me


Give me a break! Now you're condemning me if I don't choose to date somone who had a drinking problem without even meeting me and knowing what MY experiences been. Why do I HAVE to be open to dating someone that was a former drinker?

Am I not allowed to have the freedom to be secure in the comfort of CHOOSING whether to expose myself to the possibility of a relapsed alcoholic? Didn't I have enough torture growing up with one? MUST I now take the high road and date one? Even if I don't want to? Can't I have choices too?

I am very happy for anyone who has recovered from something so devastating. I am so sorry they had a tragic situation before and are now healthy and happy. I wish them the best of luck in finding someone to have a meaningful relationship with. But don't look down at someone and call them "self-righteous" so eagerly because personally, I am too burnt, too scared, too hurt, too angry, and too damaged to EVER risk it again. EVER!!! Others may feel the same.

Sheesh!! Pot calling the kettle black.
My "self" does have rights. I have the right to make a decision just like that without being made to feel small-hearted about it. Manipulate...Manipulate. That's so irritating.
But, if this is your opinion, and that is my opinion, then I guess we'll just have to live with it. Won't we?
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 64
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/11/2013 5:30:22 AM
I already commented on this thread, and I'm no longer dating that guy. But I've since learned he was never sober for 3 years. He even drank while he was at the half-way house and finally got caught. He knew my big dealbreaker was alcoholism or addiction. And he manipulated me to believe he'd been sober. And I bought it. My bad. He's a prolific liar -- told his family I "dumped" him because I was "hard to get along with." Another big lie. Like I said earlier, addicts are wired differently than we are. Like with my ex, he really couldn't grasp the concept that he could never be a social drinker. And no matter how much love he professed for me, he still got wasted 2 times in the four months we were dating. He was very selfish in that regard and I was just the collateral damage so he could do what he wanted to do.

He's turning backflips right now trying to get me back -- going to meetings, etc. He just doesn't realize how much his lies hurt me. He just wants what he wants.
 PlottJohn
Joined: 1/17/2010
Msg: 65
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/11/2013 8:31:54 AM
phoenix...please reread your comment up there what a bunch of "hog wash",your using one bad experience and judging all addicts (addicts are wired differently)---I take offense to that,I'm not "wired differently" my sobriety started in 1986 and I believe I'm one hell of a nice guy,I can go out with family & friends who drink and it doesn't have any effects on me.I do believe phoenix your X is nothing but a chronic bull sh*ter!!!!!!!!!

To the person that wrote recovered, AA members are never recovered,,after 26 years I'm still recovering,I'm pretty sure I'm not going to drink today,for tomorrow who knows I might be ran over from someone's disgruntled x-girlfriend or a disgruntled x-wife,I'm pretty sure I won't be drinking thou.

AA and Alanon meetings are a great tool,,,and after reading 3 pages of comments in here,I believe some of you's need to go there.

As for the Woman that wrote,should I date someone who has been sober for five years,,I say go for it he's well on his way of sobriety..............................
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 66
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Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/11/2013 9:07:00 AM
This is off topic but addressing a posting above about profile drinking definitions (moderate, social).

It would be good on dating profiles if their was a box other than 'drink socially'.

I'd have liked one that said ' drinks rarely'. I've never drank much and if I never had another beer or glass ot wine , it's fine but the box 'never' could imply someone once had a drinking problem 'or' that they are against alcohol consumption by a partner for whatever reason.

 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 67
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/11/2013 9:25:46 AM
The reality is that everyone has the freedom to reject someone for the purposes of dating based on whatever criteria they choose. Excluding someone based on previous behavior or habits/addictions is no worst than exluding them based whatever else someone wants to use as a filtering mechanism - it's thier choice.

As to the original question if everything else about the person suits you and you are not looking for a drinking buddy then why not.
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 68
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/11/2013 9:53:04 AM
Sorry to offend you, PlottJohn, but I've spoken to enough people at A.A. and Al-Anon to dispute what you say. Addicts/alcoholics do think differently than we do. As a matter of fact, at one of the meetings I attended, they referred to themselves as "aliens" while we were "earthlings."

Obviously, you're one of the guys who is and has worked the program properly. And you're right about my ex, he is a chronic bullsh*tter and a prolific liar. I certainly didn't mean to paint everyone with the same brush. I was just speaking from my own experience.

So, congratulations on your sobriety. I know it isn't easy to do.
 PlottJohn
Joined: 1/17/2010
Msg: 69
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/11/2013 11:01:13 AM
Sorry to offend you, PlottJohn, but I've spoken to enough people at A.A. and Al-Anon to dispute what you say. Addicts/alcoholics do think differently than we do. As a matter of fact, at one of the meetings I attended, they referred to themselves as "aliens" while we were "earthlings."

No you didn't offend me at all phoenix,,,,just lmao and thank you for the joke of the day...................
 swerve64
Joined: 1/26/2011
Msg: 70
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Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/11/2013 7:33:33 PM
No! What fun is that? Wait till he gets drunk again......(kidding).
 SweetHeartedLady
Joined: 10/5/2012
Msg: 71
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/12/2013 4:44:22 PM
Listen to your instinct.

Personally I always Run.

I grew up with a parent with that issue; and do not want to be around it.

..even when they quit they still have the Behavior & Attitude (called being a Dry Drunk).

I have friends who are clean & are not dry drunks... but I would not chance dating a man with a drinking problem.

Why should I have to not enjoy a drink with a good meal? .. it could trigger your partner if you kiss him when you have a drink.. (some say this is not true-but why risk it)

And they did studies.. Alcoholics have spaces in their brains.. it is a disease. A brain disease... and some have it worse than others.
 KneadyOne
Joined: 5/14/2010
Msg: 72
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/13/2013 4:16:56 PM
OK, though I admit to dating a drunk for some time, I can say I run run run the other way now even at the mere mention of "social drinker" or whatever term may indicate I have to watch someone drink.

But, a term I'm unfamilier with is "dry drunk"...what the heck is that?? Is it the same as a "wet brain"??
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 73
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/13/2013 4:41:44 PM
KneadyOne -- This may help:

"Dry Drunk" has been described as "A condition of returning to one's old alcoholic thinking and behavior without actually having taken a drink." For instance, a horse thief goes into A.A. what you can end up with is a sober horse thief. Or a personal favorite: you can take the rum out of the fruit cake, but you've still got a fruit cake!

Those who quit drinking but are still angry about it, wind up living miserable lives and usually make everyone else around them miserable too. If it has been said once in an Al-Anon meeting, it has been whispered thousands of times, "I almost wish he would go back to drinking."

This describes my ex almost to a "T" -- he just didn't know how to fit into society without being drunk.
 HappyHeartache
Joined: 1/9/2013
Msg: 74
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 1/13/2013 8:33:20 PM
An alcoholic is just beginning to get a handle on things at the 5 yr mark. 5 years is very relative in an alcoholics life. In other words...5 years is nothing. People on here saying wow..5 years....that's great!...are probably not alcoholics and probably don't know much about alcoholics. And depending on how long he has been an alcoholic, his background, his childhood, he may already have other addictions or begin new ones.

If you like to drink (socially), and if you are like me, I like to enjoy alcohol with someone else who does and who has control. This man can never drink again or he is in trouble. They don't start over again...they start where they left off....let that part of it be clear.

An alcoholic is never done, unfortunately. Going out with him 4 times doesn't show you his world. What triggers him to anger? Does he talk about his experience as an alcoholic? Does he go to AA religiously? Does he have a sponsor? Are there times, if you know yet, that you cannot contact him? Does he work? There's so much to think about. It isn't easy.
 Chest_Guy
Joined: 3/2/2012
Msg: 75
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 2/13/2013 12:44:25 AM

and who knows, it may have a happy ending...for both of you!!!


Sober happy endings are the best, for both....

23yrs and cooking

Lips with a hint of red wine is not a slip, is it??
 LCDizme12
Joined: 2/26/2012
Msg: 77
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 2/13/2013 7:13:53 AM
I married someone who was 7 years clean. After a few years, he developed kidney stones and took Percoset for pain - which started the whole thing up again - drugs/drinking. I suspect he was using before this - but I will never know. It was horrible after that. Not that my experience is typical - I would not repeat it by dating a recovering alcoholic. No offense to anyone, please
 AvailableinIndy
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 78
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 2/13/2013 12:17:14 PM
OMG Phoenix 55, I found the same thing w/ someone I dated briefly that was in AA.

I felt he shifted his obsession w/ alcohol to me. Very obsessive and manipulative. He wanted me to go to meetings with him....NO, I don't want to. I knew I was never going to be that into him so I ended it early.

I drink, and I don't want to feel bad about drinking around someone who doesn't.
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 79
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 2/13/2013 12:37:53 PM
There is something called a dry drunk. They have truly given up alcohol but still have some or all of the same addictive behaviors. Oops, I didn't read the other posts. My research indicates that drunks need to go through a mourning process because they're basically losing their best friend (the bottle) and if they don't get all the way through the grieving process, they will remain dry drunks. I met someone 15 years sober, still a dry drunk. In the end, I couldn't trust a word she said. She would tell me what she thought I would want to hear. It's a shame, she seemed like a nice person.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 81
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Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 2/13/2013 3:50:56 PM
And don't be fooled by the minor children and/or adult children of alcoholics who have never touched a drop of alcohol in their lives. They are carrying with them some pretty serious adverse personality traits and often suffer psychological damage from being raised in an alcoholic home. Even when the parent(s) become(s) sober, the behaviour patterns / dynamics within the home do not change....only the lack of alcohol consumption has been change. These remain forever.

"Hope" by Emily Marlin is an excellent read for new choices and recovery strategies of adult children of alcoholics.
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