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 Tom_FishOPlenty
Joined: 9/5/2012
Msg: 94
Friends with benefits rulesPage 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I had a FWB for several years. The rules are 1. you are friends and friends first. 2. respect 3. can't be jealous 4. the sex is sex. Most people are not made this way. Unless you can sleep with someone and the next day be happy for them that they found a new love interest don't do it.
We had good communication and were always completely open about who else we were seeing, if we were having sex with someone else, if it was safe sex, when we were last tested and so on. We never had sex when we were seeing other people. Only when we both happened to be between more serious relationships. We were friends 99% of the time and sex 1%. This developed out of a dating relationship that had good sexual chemistry but no romantic chemistry.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 95
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/17/2012 8:17:44 AM
The rules are simply whatever both people agree to. Not all FWB relationships will have the same rules. Some people will assume that FWBs never or rarely work because it didn't work out for them. That's not necessarily true. I think FWBs can be mutually beneficial in the right situation. Both people need to be upfront with their intentions.

I think many FWBs don't work because one person already has feelings prior to the start of the FWB. They will agree to the FWB and secretly hope it will lead to something more. A FWB won't work in that situation because that person wasn't honest.
 SSC-SAF
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 96
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/17/2012 8:54:10 AM
^^^ Nailed it.

Of course, the thread will go on and on, like all the other FWB threads, because people who don't believe that FWBs could ever work will bash the ones who have successfully been FWBs...
 orange_hill
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 97
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/17/2012 10:12:11 AM
I also agree with grove_22. Sometimes 2 people may generally like each other. But there could be a specific reason why they don't want a serious relationship. Large age gap, certain differences in lifestyle or beliefs etc. It's okay for someone not to be interested in a FWB. But it is unnecessary to criticize people who do have FWBs. Two consenting adults having a FWB isn't making anyone else's life any worse.
 Monique00
Joined: 10/15/2012
Msg: 98
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/19/2012 7:50:58 AM
The only way for a FWB to work is if you find the other person very attractive sexually, and they have a great body- but they must have a boring personality or be annoying to talk to. If they have a good personality- then don't FWB them or else you'll end up wanting more then just the crazy sex.

It's true, and should be common knowledge.

So, basically- make sure there personality is really non-existent but they are really hot. Any other way, is NOT going to work in your favour.
 AnAustralianWoman
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 100
view profile
History
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/19/2012 8:56:42 AM

cos for 6 months my friend stupidly started an fwb with her ex, 3 weeks ago i saw him on a date and happened to mention it to her, not knowing she had been sleeping with him,
...Of course you knew she was sleeping with him...That's what a FWB is.
It's none of your business anyway.
You would probably handle things differently...That's YOU. SHE know's there is no committment...He's her ex and has made no promises. IF she see's thing's differently then perhap's she should talk to him and stop sleeping with him.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 102
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/19/2012 11:07:07 AM
FWB, when it's a one-on-one relationship, especially in your friend's situation being ex's and all -- is essentially casually seeing each other. It's a kinda-getting-back-together, but not getting back together.

(1) FWB is NOT a booty call. Booty Calls or Fvck Buddies is different. That's someone you know and it's isolated to just bedroom house calls, pretty much.

(2) FWB is commonly in 3 states:
(a) Long Distance FWB: You or they moved away, and can't see each other. LD relationships and pen-pal relationships don't work, you both know that and happily accept that. They're basically an old friend who you keep in touch with online... But come holidays or other visits back home, when both single, after hanging out, you'll be willing to hook up. This is the LEAST problematic version, as geographical distance acts as a firewall to complications blossoming.

(b) Group-Friend FWB: You don't hang out one-on-one, just merely keep in touch one-on-one -- but you hang out within your mutual group of friends or fellow friends at a bar you may both be regulars at. Within a social group you've been friends, but don't want to date. When everyone's out, you'll mingle, just like with everyone else in the social group but usually a little more of course... but at the end of the night sometimes, when you're both single, you'll hook up. 90% of your time together is within a group, not one-on-one.

(c) One-on-One FWB: Basically, you're casually seeing each other with no expectations, even though many don't want to see it that way. You hang out one-on-one and don't want to migrate into a Dating Relationship. So essentially, you're wanting to be in a perpetual state of "hanging out" and explicitly NOT being an item.

In your friend's case, a one-on-one FWB situation... yes, they should know, if they're REALLY a friend. You probably shouldn't expect to know if they hooked up with someone when they went on vacation... or that at some point down the line, yes, they did like a boy or girl and something happened. Of course. BUT, if they start also seeing someone, they should know. To avoid drama, be on the same page, etc. You ARE friends, right?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 103
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/19/2012 12:30:20 PM

The difference is you either want one person and you do your best to work on a commitment ...or you want multiples.

It might SEEM like that, and of course there really are no rules in FwB-but I've observed and experienced situations in busy adult lives where long-term commitment wasn't in the cards(and this was known at the outset), but neither was there a scenario of "wanting multiples".


I don’t know if it’s so much about giving their own heart as knowing they have someone else’s – it feeds a certain hunger for security.

I think this is an astute observation in and of itself, without necessarily needing to add psychological labels.


once you are dating someone a couple weeks, you would naturally lose interest in an FWB for sheer anticipation of the new person you're dating.

I've seen it work that way. I personally would not care to have multiple sexual partners in any set of circumstances or connotations, but I cannot force other people to have the same standard. I CAN choose to end the benefits part of a FwB if he doesn't share my personal standard. If someone has a FwB that is based GENUINE friendship, then those people would not interfere or sabotage one anothers' best interests,even if it meant the loss of the "benefits".


Everything that you engaged in took effort past a sexual encounter and that's not just casual sex.

FwBs aren't MEANT to be "casual sex"...it's more like "semi-casual".


You see to me, I date someone that I potentially want to take it further, move in together, even marry her.
But with the FWB, I do not want to take those steps.
And FWB IS a relationship. Furthermore, I think most people would do all those things I did for their friend.
The only difference between them and her, that I am intimate with her.

Indeed...and the lack of intent to cohabit or marry does not mean a downgrading or devaluing of the person one is FwB with.
I don't think that GENUINE FwBs get "offered"-it's something that just kind of takes its' own path. I think that the genuine ones tend to develop in situations where the 2 people wouldn't be a good long-term match, or between 2 people that just aren't(at that time) in a position to be involved in a full-fledged LTR.


the most common practice is to end the arrangement once you begin a sexual relationship with someone else.

I would say that's a very common scenario,another one is that the chemistry fueling the benefits runs out, or the 2 people come to any of the "forks in the road" that might change-or end!-a "regular" friendship.

Every damn day of the year, people go on dates-and are hurt or disappointed. People embark on relationships and marriages that fail at a rate of approximately 50%,and they get hurt.
So, perhaps we ALL should stop getting into any kind of sociosexual involvement,given the risk of incurring some kind of "hurt"?


The rules are simply whatever both people agree to. Not all FWB relationships will have the same rules. Some people will assume that FWBs never or rarely work because it didn't work out for them. That's not necessarily true. I think FWBs can be mutually beneficial in the right situation. Both people need to be upfront with their intentions.

I think many FWBs don't work because one person already has feelings prior to the start of the FWB. They will agree to the FWB and secretly hope it will lead to something more. A FWB won't work in that situation because that person wasn't honest.

Agreed. and again, shouldn't we be also condemning LTRs, marriage, etc, because so many people get hurt by those involvements?


Of course, the thread will go on and on, like all the other FWB threads, because people who don't believe that FWBs could ever work will bash the ones who have successfully been FWBs...


I think-and this is purely my opinion,and yes it is a bit harsh!-that many who are haranguing against FwBs or other responsibly handled sexual activity outside of the "approved" committed LTR-are doing so because they see FwB as reducing the "market value" of p*ssy,and that is in fact ALL they see sex as being...just a means,and apparently for some their primary means!- to obtain that "committed relationship". Indeed, some of the responses in this thread make me think that there are still a lot of women out there who see sex as something men "do to" women, with nothing of much value in the act itself for the woman, only a derivative "bargaining chip".

And for those who see the label "FwB" as some sort of disguise for "casual sex"-in some cases that may well be true as a NECESSARY social protection for women who no longer( or never did!)believe in the "keep your legs crossed til he gives you a ring"school of thought. People can get downright nasty if they think someone is "underselling" them!
Or men who've had it drummed into them that "good" women don't like sex, that women are SUPPOSED to use sex as a means of managing dating and relationship outcomes.

As to the OT, I think the OP made kind of a common blunder, I've found that it's usually best to NOT comment to someone about their ex, unless one observes an ex committing a crime against the other ex (or the children).
There really are no "official" "rules" governing FwBs, only the standards and values of the people involved in them. And yes, I suspect that sometimes anger or jealousy may occur, no kind of relationship is perfect. A lot of people are completely and irreversibly opposed to just DATING more than one person at a time...apparently committment begins at the first agreement to have a date. For some people it doesn't even need to be a date-any indication of interest by one person in another is tantamount to committment.
But that's just how some people are.
Cindy O
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 105
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/19/2012 4:59:41 PM
Friends with benefits rules


I think guys are supposed to put it where she pees.


 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 106
view profile
History
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/20/2012 4:31:00 AM
Very well said Cindy O
Standing ovation!!!
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 107
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/21/2012 8:25:19 AM
Wait...what....since I have no interest in getting married or living with someone I'm stuck only having FWB?
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 108
view profile
History
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/21/2012 9:52:56 AM

ladyc4
I think-and this is purely my opinion,and yes it is a bit harsh!-that many who are haranguing against FwBs or other responsibly handled sexual activity outside of the "approved" committed LTR-are doing so because they see FwB as reducing the "market value" of p*ssy,and that is in fact ALL they see sex as being...just a means,and apparently for some their primary means!- to obtain that "committed relationship". Indeed, some of the responses in this thread make me think that there are still a lot of women out there who see sex as something men "do to" women, with nothing of much value in the act itself for the woman, only a derivative "bargaining chip".

Ladyc4 and I do not always see eye-to-eye, we have had some spirited disagreements in the past. But I have always admired her willingness to “call it like she sees it”, and this is a prime example.

By the way, is the “c4” part of your userid a reference to plastique explosive, commonly known as “C4”? (smile)


Spitfireee
I only have one rule............I don't fuk my friends

That’s fine, I’m not your friend. Come over about 8 tonight?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 109
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/21/2012 1:58:31 PM
SC67
I probably should have worked that in...I do believe that a committed LTR need not involve cohabitation or have intentions of marriage. And there are those here who will argue that such a thing cannot be a "real" relationship.
But, I'm with you and I apologize for not adding that distinction in my previous post.
Yes, IMO, 2 people can have a bonafide LTR without marrying or cohabiting,or having an intent to do so. I guess the difference is that there is no intention to "move on to other things"-the relationship is a long term commitment that chooses not to marry or cohabit.
I'm sure that this thread will sprout naysayers and armchair relationship analysts who will call a non-cohabiting,non-progressive LTR as a way for women to "dress up" the sex they are "ashamed" of having. I'll let YOU fight with them this time,LOL.


By the way, is the “c4” part of your userid a reference to plastique explosive, commonly known as “C4”? (smile)
it is indeed, and what's funny is that for the most part, IRL, I am KNOWN for my patience, calmness,and diplomacy, so it's sort of like the 6'6" guy that is nicknamed "Shorty"-lol.
Everyone have a happy and safe Thanksgiving.
Cindy O(wondering whether to get a room for henry and spitfire, or a referee..)
 SSC-SAF
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 110
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/21/2012 6:23:20 PM
I'm joining the standing ovation for Cindy O.

 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 111
view profile
History
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/21/2012 7:07:26 PM
FWB, It's a Seinfeld episode, you tube it....Fake, fake..fake fake fake. Poor Jerry all butt hurt.

It's a beni, no rules...
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 112
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History
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/22/2012 7:31:38 AM

Wait...what....since I have no interest in getting married or living with someone I'm stuck only having FWB?

Well...Um...Hm...if you still want to be sexually active, and have no problem with it, it is the best scenario for you.
 Inicia
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 113
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/22/2012 7:45:47 AM
well friends talk and share things and are sometimes more honest in intimacy than lovers. So that being said if you are truly someones friend the other person telling you shouldn't matter to either friend in the FWB situation because they are only friends so the one who was "busted" shouldn't care that he or she was busted. No reason to get mad at anyone because your behavior was revealed. If you are hiding behavior from your friend with benefit's because you feel you would lose your benefits than you really aren't their friend at all, because you care so little for them that you won't allow them their own informed decision about staying in the benefit part of the relationship. Yes there are no rules in life you have no need to tell your friend that their FWB was with someone else but you also have no obligation to not tell her or him. You can do what ever you want. And if someone is so worried their behavior will ruin their benefits in life maybe they might want to change the behavior rather than the availability and source of damaging information.
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 114
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/22/2012 4:52:04 PM

Wait...what....since I have no interest in getting married or living with someone I'm stuck only having FWB?

Well...Um...Hm...if you still want to be sexually active, and have no problem with it, it is the best scenario for you.


So...unless I"m looking to get married and/or move in with someone I'm not gonna get any actual romance and/or a steady date on Saturday night or to my company Christmas party? Pfft...no wonder I'm not interested in dating anymore. Damned if you do & damned if you don't.
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 115
view profile
History
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/22/2012 5:14:23 PM
Don't forget there is always friends without benefits, I have a few of those.
 TENN46
Joined: 9/24/2012
Msg: 116
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/22/2012 7:21:02 PM
There are no rules.
 gimpyvet
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 117
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/22/2012 10:04:48 PM
What happened to "Free Love"?

All these rules and acronyms and everything... it's sooooo complicated now! What happened to the days when a guy and a woman meet, like each other, and hit the sheets and WITHOUT any unrealistic expectations laid on each other? Jeeezee....
 The_Four_95s
Joined: 10/8/2011
Msg: 118
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/23/2012 5:53:17 AM
Friends with benefits rules: Simple as this dont get any STDs strap twice, and dont get in love triangles.
Friends with benefits rules: Simple as this dont get any STDs strap twice, and dont get in love triangles
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 119
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History
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/23/2012 7:38:22 AM

So...unless I"m looking to get married and/or move in with someone I'm not gonna get any actual romance and/or a steady date on Saturday night or to my company Christmas party?

Think about it..If you don't want to get married/move in with him, and you tell him that, why would he be interested being romantic?
If he and you are on a same page about it, but sexually attracted to each other, FWB is a way to go.
IMO.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 120
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/23/2012 9:42:03 AM
I know quite a few couples..yes they ARE couples!in the minds of EVERYONE who know them-and for the most part middle-aged or older,who have had a non-cohabiting LTR, some of them for YEARS.

I don't know as we can point out any "universal" reasons for these non-cohabitation LTRs, but I can speculate that
'set in my ways' might be one, another might be to prevent dissension or even interference from adult children who fear that somebody else will inherit Mom or Dad's money, I think that quite often people of both genders who've been on their own for awhile, after a long period of being part of a family, come to truly appreciate the privacy and autonomy that living solo allows.
So are some here insisting that the only choices are either cohabitation/marriage or total singlehood? There is nothing in between?

LOL, this is not the first time I've heard this, and oddly enough it seems that it is MEN who try and use the "FwB" label to "shame" women who say they want romance, they want a LTR, but they don't want to get married or live with a man.
Just now, the thought has crossed my mind that perhaps its' not so much that men dislike non-cohabiting LTRs( or if they want to CALL this arrangement"FwB")-what they don't like is the idea when it is a WOMAN who wants the non-cohabiting LTR. Could it be that some men resent the loss of " maybe we'll get married someday "carrot on a stick" method of controlling dating/relationship outcomes? Really! Lets' look at this!

Again and again we hear men complaining that women use access to sex as a means of "controlling the dating outcome", that women make men "jump thru hoops" before she will "give it up" -but if a woman doesn't WANT the social acknowledgement of cohabitation or marriage, that removes what used to be a pretty powerful tool for men.

IMO, a non-cohabiting LTR has to be a mutually agreeable decision between 2 people who truly want an equal relationship,for WHATEVER reason they don't want to co-habit or marry. 2 people who DON'T want a power struggle or ongoing head game-with access to p*ssy on the woman's side and the "official" acknowledgement of the relationship that cohabitation/marriage represents on the mans' side.
Imagine that! A situation where 2 adults keep a degree of autonomy and self-direction, yet are solidly committed to having each others' backs, where the 2 adults are together when and where they want to be.

OMG-how utterly... ADULT!
No wonder so many want to insult such a concept and try to make it out as a involvement of lesser sociosexual value.

IMO, the distinction between non-cohabiting LTR and FwB is that the 2 people do consider each other as life partners even though they don't live under the same roof. And I don't guess it would HAVE TO BE static, I don't see why the 2 people couldn't keep an open mind about cohabitation/marriage. In a genuine FwB, marriage/cohabitation, even longterm association is generally never on the table, because the 2 people just wouldn't have that degree of compatibility. And why does everything HAVE to be always about finding "the one"?
I for one believe that genuine FwBs have their place in the spectrum of sociosexual interaction. And I think we CAN assign one rule( in addition to MY standard-"carry out your own dead")...that rule would be "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."
Please tell me that I DON'T have to explain THAT.
Cindy O
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 121
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/23/2012 12:14:22 PM

I think that quite often people of both genders who've been on their own for awhile, after a long period of being part of a family, come to truly appreciate the privacy and autonomy that living solo allows.

Yes...this is the case (for me anyway).

Could it be that some men resent the loss of " maybe we'll get married someday "carrot on a stick" method of controlling dating/relationship outcomes?

I think you may have hit the nail on the head! :)

Here's the thing...if you read some of these posts men are saying "it's just good old fun" & "why not just meet someone & jump into bed with them without worrying so much." I think most men think about FWB & think it's just having sex without any of the responsibility for the other person's feelings outside the bedroom.

Some can do it. I can't & have no interest in it. I do understand the basic rules that make you a decent human being. Be nice to the person who is willing to have sex with you on a regular basis. They have feelings other than being horny & if you're going to be their friend they deserve honesty. If the OP's friend was truly in a FWB relationship where there were not feelings involved on her friend's part then it would not make any difference if he was out to dinner with someone else. I suspect the ex-boyfriend just wanted to be sure he had some "on the side" sex lined up for dry spells while he dates other people. He was worried the OP's loose lips were gonna sink his ship.

For those of you who do choose to have FWB relationships, may you & your lover always be comfortable enough to be honest with each other & lose interest in each other at the same time!
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