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 fenderccinka
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 122
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Friends with benefits rulesPage 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
The only real rule, and this goes for both people, is you keep it between your two friendships. Yes there are many people who start relationship cause of such things, e not being one, cause i have to have feelings for someone before i can have sex. These days, the sad but true fact, is a good portion of people sleep with someone before they date.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 123
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Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/23/2012 11:17:27 PM
cindy O
while I think your post is insightful...




Could it be that some men resent the loss of " maybe we'll get married someday "carrot on a stick" method of controlling dating/relationship outcomes?

Are you kidding me..? resent ? Please ,please take this pressure off me.






IMO, the distinction between non-cohabiting LTR and FwB is that the 2 people do consider each other as life partners


Way oversimplified .!
Life partners would mean connecting/commiting much deeper in aspects that FwB's never reach.... if Fwb's reached that level they would be called
non-cohabiting LTR
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 124
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 8:28:17 AM

Life partners would mean connecting/commiting much deeper in aspects that FwB's never reach.... if Fwb's reached that level they would be called
non-cohabiting LTR


This is exactly the point I'm making. But there are people participating in this topic that do not believe such an animal( non-cohabiting LTR) exists. Some people insist that "Real relationships" MUST involve cohabitation or committment to do so(or to marry) within a reasonably SPECIFIC time frame.and that anything less than that is "FwB" .

I happen to believe(because I've seen it done)-that people can be deeply connected/committed partners WITHOUT living under the same roof and interweaving their identities. But a lot of people( and I've noticed quite a few of them are men) seem to want to downgrade this type of LTR to "FwB" which is a much misinterpreted involvement...and I think this "downgrading" is completely intentional...men want to believe that women are all just dying to cohabit/marry, which gives them(men) an "if you play your cards right" leverage.
Women who want a committed relationship, that doesn't involve living under the same roof , take away that leverage. Some men just don't like that. So they attempt to "insult" non-cohabiting LTRs by (mis)labeling them as FwBs. That actually wouldn't be so bad if there weren't so many people who(mistakenly) believe that FwB means a man is just using a woman for sex. What actually DOES go on is that some men do use women for sex and they are just trying to disguise that by calling it "FwB". Ummm-where I come from, "friend" goes both ways. If one person pretends to be friends with someone in order to use that person, we call it something different that "friends".
Cindy O
 TouchOfClass316
Joined: 11/18/2006
Msg: 125
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Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 8:45:19 AM
If you are sleeping with someone on a casual basis, is it good manners for the partner in the fwb, to let the other know if he has been dating the same female/ male for 3 weeks ?


It's should be expected that both parties know that it could happen. It's a no strings attached, no expectation situation. Its for people that are out just to get a little sex now and then with no emotional attachment. (not for me but people do it)

If you felt that your friend didn't know he was dating other women (which she obviously didn't because she confronted him) then bravo on telling her. At least now she has her eyes open to what she's gotten herself into. He got pissed because he knew that she had other expectations (he's her Ex, he knows exactly who she is).

Back out now and let them do whatever they want. They're both grown adults who are making their own choices. Just be there lovingly and compassionately for your friend when it crashes.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 126
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 9:13:58 AM
If you are sleeping with someone on a casual basis, is it good manners for the partner in the fwb, to let the other know if he has been dating the same female/male for 3 weeks?

Disclosing any other sexual contacts is more than good manners. It’s giving your partner essential information. It’s the essence of informed consent. And letting the FWB partner know you’ve started dating someone with some regularity is definitely good manners. One or both of you may not wish to continue the sexual part of your FWB.



it should be expected that both parties know that it could happen.

If those are the terms of the FWB agreement, then yes, it should be expected.



It's a no strings attached, no expectation situation. Its for people that are out just to get a little sex now and then with no emotional attachment. (not for me but people do it)

That’s more of an FB relationship, in my view. FWB expect to be friends. It sounds like OP's friends fell into a loosey-goosey post-marital arrangement that didn't have much in the way of explicit agreement and didn't include much more than sex. FB? Bordering on booty call?
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 127
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Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 9:42:13 AM
Cindy O

While you and I may share common values on Fwb's and Non-cohabiting LTR's

I think The defining difference is the comittment in an LTR requires love , and
Love a requires a certain behavioral pattern to flourish

FwB's.. has whatever rules and limits set in place for mutual respect by those involved
and may have nothing to do with love (sexual boundaries)
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 129
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 11:54:28 AM
Ah, but Mr. Deere
I think that love and how it is expressed (and lived!) is an ever evolving thing in terms of behavioral patterns.
Not all that long ago,(in the bigger picture) a husband could legally (and presumably lovingly) "discipline" his wife...nowadays it's called domestic violence and is an actionable offense. In some cultures the "behavioiral patterns" of love permit a man to keep several spouses concurrently and under the same roof. I some faiths, the behavioral patterns of love don't allow for the dissolution of a marriage that is no longer functional.

I think that there is often a kind of love between FwBs, it just isn't the same as what drives a LTR, whether the LTR is conducted under the same roof or not.
But to fo back to the OT, there is no "stone tablet" with rules for conducting a FwB engraved on its' face. I guess the only suggestion I could offer is that a person ought to treat his or her FwB the same way they want their FwB to treat him or her.
Cindy O
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 130
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 12:20:14 PM
SC67,

Wait...what....since I have no interest in getting married or living with someone I'm stuck only having FWB?

No, you're "stuck" being just a girlfriend, if you're laying that out with a specific guy.
FWB, where the friendship is relatively close one-on-one, is where you're "stuck" lightly dating or 'seeing each other'.

In both cases, you're drawing a line that you don't want to go any further in seriousness past a certain point. FWB varies -- it's general. It depends on how close your friendship is.

I will say though, if you refuse to ever live with a specific guy -- you're basically giving away how you feel about him. I mean, you may not want to at that point, sure... but if you're saying you WON'T ever want to live with him -- you're saying your interest isn't all there.

Much like the "friends first" thing. If you tell a guy you want to be friends, first... you're not going to be just friends because you're telling them how it is down the line, that you will be more than friends. Well, being just friends vs more than just friends is about how you feel.
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 131
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Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 12:36:37 PM
Way too many feelings, rules, thoughts and what ifs...hardly a benefit when you look at it that way. More like friends with lots of shit to think about.
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 133
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 7:44:47 PM

Friends with Benefits are friends with more headaches and problems than even regular couples have.

I suspect the headaches & problems come from a couple of different areas.

1. People entering into FWB relationships with people they'd like to date. They go into it hoping if they're sweet enough or wild enough or funny enough or sexy enough that the other person will change their minds & see them as a real romantic prospect.
2. People who think FWB relationships relieve them of any responsibility towards the other person. They see their FWB partner as a sex bank & think they're entitled to a withdrawal whenever they want. (or maybe a more accurate description would be their partner is the dildo in the dresser drawer...just there to be used)

Communication can help resolve these issues if both parties are willing to be honest. But...if one partner has issue #1 & the other has issue #2 then they will go in circles forever until #2 finds someone else and/or #1 decides they've had enough.

To me the only "rule" to FWB is that you treat them as a friend...even better than your usual friends...after all this friend is having sex with you on a regular basis. Don't they deserve a little more consideration?
 aussieblues
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 134
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Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 8:26:19 PM
@ _shakti_..We may have watched the same thing...Was it Taboo which you watched? It was like finding out your dads a cross-dresser, only even more disturbing...lol
 aussieblues
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 135
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Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 8:31:54 PM
Oh hell, was I supposed to be following a set of rules when I negotiated sexual relations with people?
#Condoms
#Don't tell your friends about your f.w.b...
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 136
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/25/2012 11:40:27 AM
SC67,

Communication can help resolve these issues if both parties are willing to be honest. But...if one partner has issue #1 & the other has issue #2 then they will go in circles forever until #2 finds someone else and/or #1 decides they've had enough.

Yes, I agree. If one is going down FWB route for hope that it breaks forward toward a relationship, and the other does NOT want a relationship ever, but wants a "rent-a-bf/gf" or mistakenly a booty call -- it's going to be a mess, guaranteed.

That's why I think people need to know the difference between FWB & Booty Call. When people misname a Booty Call as a FWB, they're giving the person the wrong idea. FWB means you're actually friends. Value, respect, and communication. If someone's a Booty Call, they're not an actual friend. There's a distance kept, and everything's relegated to the bedroom. Even if a person isn't quite looking for a relationship, but values them and wants to have that bond with a real friendship, they're going to be hurt/offended if that other person just sees them as a Booty Call.

To me the only "rule" to FWB is that you treat them as a friend...even better than your usual friends...after all this friend is having sex with you on a regular basis.

Exactly. And I think a lot less feelings would be hurt if that "#2" person, instead of calling it a FWB said to the other who potentially fits the "#1" mold: "Hey, I don't think we should be real friends -- I'm not looking for that, as that bonding will bring obligations and I'm not looking for that. Honestly, I just want a booty call. Sometimes it'll be frequent, sometimes sparse. When we stop having booty calls with each other, then maybe we could be friends."
 Inflated_ego
Joined: 11/21/2012
Msg: 137
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/25/2012 11:44:38 AM
I don't know, I don't do the friends with benefits thing just for this reason. To open, to ambiguous, to risky these days with all the STDs going around.
 CasOliii
Joined: 1/23/2013
Msg: 138
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 6:19:05 AM
My FWB rules include:

1) dont tell me about any dates unless you get into an exclusive relationship
2)if you develop feelings make sure you say something
3) friendship first and foremost. Sex is replaceable, your friendship isn't
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 139
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 6:35:40 AM

The rules are simply whatever both people agree to. Not all FWB relationships will have the same rules. Some people will assume that FWBs never or rarely work because it didn't work out for them. That's not necessarily true. I think FWBs can be mutually beneficial in the right situation. Both people need to be upfront with their intentions.

I think many FWBs don't work because one person already has feelings prior to the start of the FWB. They will agree to the FWB and secretly hope it will lead to something more. A FWB won't work in that situation because that person wasn't honest.


I agree.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 140
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 6:42:50 AM
I have a great friend that when both of us are single, we get together. We hang out regardless of whether we're single or not, just as friends. We have the same interests and genuinely like / love each other as friends. When we're no longer single, there's no hard feelings, we're genuinely happy for each other. He tells me when he's dating someone and we talk about her as if we never slept together - I ask how they met, if she's cute, and if she's treating him right. (Because gosh forbid that she's not because I will kick her ass all over the place.) There's no sexual "tension" - just caring and true affection. I think that's a true friends with benefits - we have no rules other than to be FRIENDS FIRST ALWAYS, with benefits if we're not committed to anyone and we both want to be "together". The sexual benefits are always secondary.

Oh yah, and if we're in public, we act as friends. We're not all over each other. Just typical affection that a girl/guy friend would have. Actually, we were at a club and he was talking to some girls and I was like, we're not together, just friends, and if you want to know, he's the coolest guy on earth. lol I try to be his wing-girl, but I'm bad at it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 141
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 7:08:26 AM

Msg 138: friendship first and foremost. Sex is replaceable, your friendship isn't


What happens to the friendship if one of the people in the FWB situation meets and dates a person who could be the ONE? How many people would be understanding when dating someone and the boyfriend/girlfriend maintains a friendship with a FWB, even if the sex stops once dating someone else started?
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 142
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 7:33:31 AM
^^ duh u dont tell them lol
 THEMEPACK
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 143
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 7:34:53 AM
I'm not friends with any of my FWB's....we don't do shit, except have sex.
 ManOfAdventure28
Joined: 3/8/2013
Msg: 144
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Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 7:58:33 AM
A copy of the rules is available in all good bookshops.....
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 145
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 8:46:53 AM

A copy of the rules is available in all good bookshops.....


It would be in the Dating For Dummies book in the Friends With Benefits section of the book.
 phenomenalwoman03
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 147
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 11:16:34 AM
Thank you! To read that a man wants more speaks volume. In todays society you think a man priority is to have sex.
 coderedjulia1
Joined: 2/3/2013
Msg: 148
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 12:10:25 PM
I don't really think any rules are implied when it comes to a FWB. Yeah, he can date who ever he wants, and doesn't have to tell her, but he also has no right going off on you for telling your girlfriend. If he says he can do whatever he wants and not tell her, then why is he keeping it a secret?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 149
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 6:37:52 PM

What happens to the friendship if one of the people in the FWB situation meets and dates a person who could be the ONE?

I think the proper thing, like most guy-girl 1-on-1 friendships, is that it should change into group-friends and distance. Heck, most people's friendships with their pals usually dim at least somewhat when they start dating someone seriously. And of the friendships that aren't so close dim a lot.

How many people would be understanding when dating someone and the boyfriend/girlfriend maintains a friendship with a FWB, even if the sex stops once dating someone else started?

I guess it's the same way as an ex, but with no angst-drama baggage. It's the price you pay for turning a platonic situation into FWB. They should get put in the background.... facebook friends? That's fine. Group friends? That's usually okay. Close friends? No, that's not cool.

What makes that not cool isn't necessarily a fear that they'll jump on them & cheat if the dating gets boring or rocky. It's that it will be at least a subconscious distraction if they're still 1-on-1 friends with that person while you're dating. Theoretically, it Could be okay -- but many times the person with the FWB won't think it would be a problem when it is, thinking "Hey, I'm not going to cheat" = it's okay. That's not required for it to be not cool.
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