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 AUTHOR
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 130
Friends with benefits rulesPage 6 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
SC67,

Wait...what....since I have no interest in getting married or living with someone I'm stuck only having FWB?

No, you're "stuck" being just a girlfriend, if you're laying that out with a specific guy.
FWB, where the friendship is relatively close one-on-one, is where you're "stuck" lightly dating or 'seeing each other'.

In both cases, you're drawing a line that you don't want to go any further in seriousness past a certain point. FWB varies -- it's general. It depends on how close your friendship is.

I will say though, if you refuse to ever live with a specific guy -- you're basically giving away how you feel about him. I mean, you may not want to at that point, sure... but if you're saying you WON'T ever want to live with him -- you're saying your interest isn't all there.

Much like the "friends first" thing. If you tell a guy you want to be friends, first... you're not going to be just friends because you're telling them how it is down the line, that you will be more than friends. Well, being just friends vs more than just friends is about how you feel.
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 131
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History
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 12:36:37 PM
Way too many feelings, rules, thoughts and what ifs...hardly a benefit when you look at it that way. More like friends with lots of shit to think about.
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 133
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 7:44:47 PM

Friends with Benefits are friends with more headaches and problems than even regular couples have.

I suspect the headaches & problems come from a couple of different areas.

1. People entering into FWB relationships with people they'd like to date. They go into it hoping if they're sweet enough or wild enough or funny enough or sexy enough that the other person will change their minds & see them as a real romantic prospect.
2. People who think FWB relationships relieve them of any responsibility towards the other person. They see their FWB partner as a sex bank & think they're entitled to a withdrawal whenever they want. (or maybe a more accurate description would be their partner is the dildo in the dresser drawer...just there to be used)

Communication can help resolve these issues if both parties are willing to be honest. But...if one partner has issue #1 & the other has issue #2 then they will go in circles forever until #2 finds someone else and/or #1 decides they've had enough.

To me the only "rule" to FWB is that you treat them as a friend...even better than your usual friends...after all this friend is having sex with you on a regular basis. Don't they deserve a little more consideration?
 aussieblues
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 134
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Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 8:26:19 PM
@ _shakti_..We may have watched the same thing...Was it Taboo which you watched? It was like finding out your dads a cross-dresser, only even more disturbing...lol
 aussieblues
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 135
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History
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/24/2012 8:31:54 PM
Oh hell, was I supposed to be following a set of rules when I negotiated sexual relations with people?
#Condoms
#Don't tell your friends about your f.w.b...
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 136
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/25/2012 11:40:27 AM
SC67,

Communication can help resolve these issues if both parties are willing to be honest. But...if one partner has issue #1 & the other has issue #2 then they will go in circles forever until #2 finds someone else and/or #1 decides they've had enough.

Yes, I agree. If one is going down FWB route for hope that it breaks forward toward a relationship, and the other does NOT want a relationship ever, but wants a "rent-a-bf/gf" or mistakenly a booty call -- it's going to be a mess, guaranteed.

That's why I think people need to know the difference between FWB & Booty Call. When people misname a Booty Call as a FWB, they're giving the person the wrong idea. FWB means you're actually friends. Value, respect, and communication. If someone's a Booty Call, they're not an actual friend. There's a distance kept, and everything's relegated to the bedroom. Even if a person isn't quite looking for a relationship, but values them and wants to have that bond with a real friendship, they're going to be hurt/offended if that other person just sees them as a Booty Call.

To me the only "rule" to FWB is that you treat them as a friend...even better than your usual friends...after all this friend is having sex with you on a regular basis.

Exactly. And I think a lot less feelings would be hurt if that "#2" person, instead of calling it a FWB said to the other who potentially fits the "#1" mold: "Hey, I don't think we should be real friends -- I'm not looking for that, as that bonding will bring obligations and I'm not looking for that. Honestly, I just want a booty call. Sometimes it'll be frequent, sometimes sparse. When we stop having booty calls with each other, then maybe we could be friends."
 Inflated_ego
Joined: 11/21/2012
Msg: 137
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 11/25/2012 11:44:38 AM
I don't know, I don't do the friends with benefits thing just for this reason. To open, to ambiguous, to risky these days with all the STDs going around.
 CasOliii
Joined: 1/23/2013
Msg: 138
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 6:19:05 AM
My FWB rules include:

1) dont tell me about any dates unless you get into an exclusive relationship
2)if you develop feelings make sure you say something
3) friendship first and foremost. Sex is replaceable, your friendship isn't
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 139
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 6:35:40 AM

The rules are simply whatever both people agree to. Not all FWB relationships will have the same rules. Some people will assume that FWBs never or rarely work because it didn't work out for them. That's not necessarily true. I think FWBs can be mutually beneficial in the right situation. Both people need to be upfront with their intentions.

I think many FWBs don't work because one person already has feelings prior to the start of the FWB. They will agree to the FWB and secretly hope it will lead to something more. A FWB won't work in that situation because that person wasn't honest.


I agree.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 140
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 6:42:50 AM
I have a great friend that when both of us are single, we get together. We hang out regardless of whether we're single or not, just as friends. We have the same interests and genuinely like / love each other as friends. When we're no longer single, there's no hard feelings, we're genuinely happy for each other. He tells me when he's dating someone and we talk about her as if we never slept together - I ask how they met, if she's cute, and if she's treating him right. (Because gosh forbid that she's not because I will kick her ass all over the place.) There's no sexual "tension" - just caring and true affection. I think that's a true friends with benefits - we have no rules other than to be FRIENDS FIRST ALWAYS, with benefits if we're not committed to anyone and we both want to be "together". The sexual benefits are always secondary.

Oh yah, and if we're in public, we act as friends. We're not all over each other. Just typical affection that a girl/guy friend would have. Actually, we were at a club and he was talking to some girls and I was like, we're not together, just friends, and if you want to know, he's the coolest guy on earth. lol I try to be his wing-girl, but I'm bad at it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 141
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 7:08:26 AM

Msg 138: friendship first and foremost. Sex is replaceable, your friendship isn't


What happens to the friendship if one of the people in the FWB situation meets and dates a person who could be the ONE? How many people would be understanding when dating someone and the boyfriend/girlfriend maintains a friendship with a FWB, even if the sex stops once dating someone else started?
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 142
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 7:33:31 AM
^^ duh u dont tell them lol
 THEMEPACK
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 143
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 7:34:53 AM
I'm not friends with any of my FWB's....we don't do shit, except have sex.
 ManOfAdventure28
Joined: 3/8/2013
Msg: 144
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History
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 7:58:33 AM
A copy of the rules is available in all good bookshops.....
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 145
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 8:46:53 AM

A copy of the rules is available in all good bookshops.....


It would be in the Dating For Dummies book in the Friends With Benefits section of the book.
 phenomenalwoman03
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 147
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 11:16:34 AM
Thank you! To read that a man wants more speaks volume. In todays society you think a man priority is to have sex.
 coderedjulia1
Joined: 2/3/2013
Msg: 148
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 12:10:25 PM
I don't really think any rules are implied when it comes to a FWB. Yeah, he can date who ever he wants, and doesn't have to tell her, but he also has no right going off on you for telling your girlfriend. If he says he can do whatever he wants and not tell her, then why is he keeping it a secret?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 149
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 6:37:52 PM

What happens to the friendship if one of the people in the FWB situation meets and dates a person who could be the ONE?

I think the proper thing, like most guy-girl 1-on-1 friendships, is that it should change into group-friends and distance. Heck, most people's friendships with their pals usually dim at least somewhat when they start dating someone seriously. And of the friendships that aren't so close dim a lot.

How many people would be understanding when dating someone and the boyfriend/girlfriend maintains a friendship with a FWB, even if the sex stops once dating someone else started?

I guess it's the same way as an ex, but with no angst-drama baggage. It's the price you pay for turning a platonic situation into FWB. They should get put in the background.... facebook friends? That's fine. Group friends? That's usually okay. Close friends? No, that's not cool.

What makes that not cool isn't necessarily a fear that they'll jump on them & cheat if the dating gets boring or rocky. It's that it will be at least a subconscious distraction if they're still 1-on-1 friends with that person while you're dating. Theoretically, it Could be okay -- but many times the person with the FWB won't think it would be a problem when it is, thinking "Hey, I'm not going to cheat" = it's okay. That's not required for it to be not cool.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 151
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 7:08:07 PM
Do all of the people who are in FWB relationships use protection…

Who really knows? If they’re long-term monogamous, disease-free and don’t need the birth-control, then some probably don’t.

…since all of them are basically free to sleep with as many partners as they want?

That would depend on their agreement with their partner and their willingness to abide by it, same as any other committed relationship or marriage.
 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 152
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/22/2013 8:19:38 PM
NEVER ever ever ever(ever ever ever ever), buy a FWB ANYTHING!!!!!! No jewelry, no loungerie, NOTHING. They're not "friends", they're just people you bang, the ONLY gain from it from either side should be sex.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 154
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/23/2013 1:16:41 AM
message 142
^^ duh u dont tell them lol


are you serious or joking?
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 155
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/23/2013 7:23:28 AM
Lets see, 40% of the women that have STD's , do not know they have a STD . So I would say a FWB would be a STD factory waiting to happen . So no thanks .
 AnAustralianWoman
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 156
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/23/2013 8:51:09 AM
FWB's?...Just like "Enter at your own risk". Simple...You wanna stay friends because a relationship won't work, but you still want the physical side of things. Neither person needs to justify what the other is doing. IF you think you may contract an STD from your 'friend' then don't sleep with them...this goes for your g/f.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 157
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History
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/23/2013 9:16:48 AM
NEVER ever ever ever(ever ever ever ever), buy a FWB ANYTHING!!!!!! No jewelry, no loungerie, NOTHING. They're not "friends", they're just people you bang, the ONLY gain from it from either side should be sex.


What in the world are you talking about? Any FWB i've had, I'm still friends with now, WITHOUT benefits since parties have moved on to other people. I love how people are attempting to extrapolate their closed-mindedness, bad experiences, or failures onto the entire world as a weak attempt to build themselves up.

edit: I think the largest issue is that people are PLANNING and SCHEMING to be in "FWB" situations because of ulterior motives, whereas true, working FWB situations are things that most parties just fall into. Good friends that know they won't work out hook up from time to time. Or exes with an amicable breakup where both parties know they won't work together just end up hooking up when neither is seeing anyone else.

Not, "I'm going to plan to be in a FWB relationship with this person from the day I meet them," or "I'll call them a FWB because I don't want to hurt their feelings and let them know that I don't want to hang out with them for anything but sex," which seems to be the cause from many of these comments.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 158
Friends with benefits rules
Posted: 4/23/2013 10:29:22 AM
Lets see, 40% of the women that have STD's, do not know they have a STD. So I would say a FWB would be a STD factory waiting to happen. So no thanks.

Your other choices til you find a relationship are random partners or celibacy. Or not-by-choice celibacy. If you’re going to have sex while you’re looking, monogamous FWB lowers your risk.

By the way, 90% of men with herpes are unaware as they do not exhibit symptoms. And 100% of men with HPV (which is serious) are unaware they have it, as there is no test. This is not a gender issue.
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