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 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 26
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
And as far as a man getting frisky on the 1st, 2nd or 3rd date? I'd hang up my dancing shoes permanently if he didn't.


To clarify, I wasn't talking about friskiness, I was speaking of sexual inappropriateness. (See one of my earlier posts)

Also, I agree that my previous boyfriends have commitment issues. Neither of them has ever been married. When I was going out with my ex of four years I was in college and not ready for marriage myself, so I didn't care. I just wrongly assumed it would happen, and we did share a lot. My boyfriend of two years is the father of my child, and I stayed with him longer than I should have because we have a daughter together.

Also, I regret making those generalizations about men in the beginning of this thread. I have met some good ones that I've shared wonderful things with.
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 27
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 9:03:35 PM
Maybe you're making it obvious you just want to be married, and it scares them that you just want a marriage - not to be married TO HIM.


Don't get me wrong, I am particular, and it's not often that I find a man I can connect with. However, I keep ending up liking men with commitment issues I guess. I haven't had a boyfriend in five years, and during that time, I only had one man I considered a serious relationship with, once I was past my rebound phase anyway. However, he didn't want to be my boyfriend, just date indefinately, so I had to break it off. It bothers me that I finally met a guy I like and things are going great, but the relationship stalled in the dating phase with no hope of progress.
 toightpants
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 28
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 9:51:23 PM

What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?

If a guy sees a woman as "material" then what makes her go through different stages is him getting what he wants from her as an extension of himself.


men want different things in a mate than women. However, no one was specific as to what these things are.

No one can really be specific because what they are talking about aren't absolutes, and they are subjective.
And I would say 90% of the "things in a mate" they are talking about are just an attempt to convey how they communicate, or understand communication. i.e. "humor" they want humor because of the emotional association with humor, they associate humor with representing something deeper.
If you do want absolutes that are applicable to everyone then here you go.
This is what people want:
1. Ease of communication.
2. Compatibility of perceived need fulfillment.
3. Security/sticking aroundness.


The main reason I am curious about this is because I have long been looked at by men as a sexual object when we first meet

The only reason any male will ever talk to you and develop a relationship greater than that of "stranger" is if you represent 1 of 3 things (or a combination) to him (same for women but this thread is focused on men):
1. Possible sex. Attraction. When a man is attracted to you it fills him with chemicals that immediately affect his brain and makes him feel good (happens to women but they get a choice, usually not conscious and it's where the idea of "chemistry" comes from, to allow the chemicals to affect their brain so the mood is reciprocated). Social conditioning and parenting (trained association of behavior with consequences) influences how he approaches you about it and can handle delayed gratification of it.
2. Resources. Will you buy something from him, give him money or food,or help secure his money or food.
3. Social upkeep. Will you help him establish, promote, or maintain his social position and group identity.

Anything other than that is Disney propaganda BS.
You aren't the center of any universe except the one you create in your own head.
You can live in that, or in the real one. Everyone has that choice.
If you look for anything deeper you are going to be consistently disappointed.
"Love" is not a tool for self actualization, a means for you to reach your ultimate potential "I have a career, I have kids, I have a husband, I have love, I am complete."
"Love" is a tool to help keep you in a stable and consistent relationship long enough to keep your kids alive after mating and getting pregnant. It's only since the industrial revolution where technology has allowed the idea of single parenting to thrive and people have started turning their own emotions into gods to be worshiped to make them feel better and more important than other people.


he won't commit. Lately, I can't get a boyfriend, but previously I was dumped by a boyfriend of four years, and a boyfriend of two years, with no marriage proposals.

You are mostly fighting changing social standards and the government on that. Men are just as much victims to it as women.
There is less incentive for anyone to commit to anything, and fewer or lessening of consequences to people not committing to anything.
Most especially because people more often use the commitment of others for their own personal gratification, against the other person, as a legal guarantee for desired behavior rather than simply a realization and moving on to working on greater things together. i.e. individual < family < neighborhood < community < city < state < nation is being polarized into individual < nation < global.
 SHUDNTBEONHERE
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 29
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 10:01:20 PM

What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?


Speaking as a joke...When you are dating a girl long term and you see that her mother is very attractive, and hope that she will look that good at that age.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 30
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 10:11:29 PM
Its a tuff question. Most of us dated serious quality women that got away, then mucho-grando later,... found one that seemed more or less okay, passed a few of the easier tests, didn't let the cat die-- and well,.. a while later there are urchins that might spawn as well, or better.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 31
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 11:04:28 PM

Eventually, usually five to six months, I break it off if it's going nowhere.


So you are strictly husband hunting and just looking for a warm, breathing body with a penis. Guys shy away from extemely desparate women. If you stop acting so desparate, thinking a fairy tale wedding will solve all of your problems, you might not scare away guys from wanting to commit to Miss Desperate. It's insulting to think that's the only reason you want a man-to fulfill your Disney fantasy. Some people date for a year or more before they think about taking the next step or plunge, to make sure they really want to be with the person because of the person-not the person as a status symbol.
 aussieblues
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 32
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 11:53:46 PM
I had a glimpse at your profile and was interested to note that you are a 'counsellor' by profession. Also, you state that you are a Christian. Would you entertain the thought of volunteering your skills and time in some pro-bono work with men? In a professional setting, where they speak & you listen; I feel you could gain much insight about men.

It is my experience that men are human people who have depth and dimmension. Like all humans I believe they deserve love, respect, support, appreciation and to be sexual beings. (even the trolls who send dreadful pics! Some of those just seem to be as deep as a puddle.)
You are clearly an eloquent person and very forthcoming. I have no doubt that you are an assertive person face to face.
You have very clear goals and aspirations.You seem to enjoy debate, judging only by the amount of replies you've posted.
I really think you need to chill out and just enjoy mens company, rather than by judging each guy you meet by some "marriagability" scale. They're really interesting people, if you just let em be themselves ;-)
Have you ever considered yoga?
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 33
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 11:58:35 PM
Try looking at it from a different angle.

Why would a guy want to marry?

He's afraid you'll be taken by someone else.
He's afraid he'll have to go at it alone.
He's afraid to grow old alone.
He's afraid to die alone.
He's afraid he won't have steady sex.
He's afraid he'll be a third wheel.
He's afraid he will always have to date.
He's afraid he'll always have to be on his best behavior.
He's afraid of looking like a loser who can't keep a woman.
He's afraid he can't make it financially on his own.
He's afraid he'll go to hell.
He's afraid his family won't respect him.
He's afraid he won't get a promotion at work.
He's afraid of not being respected if he becomes a father.

Number one reason for marriage? Fear.

Maybe you were choosing fellows who weren't afraid? Not such a bad thing.

Just playin' devil's advocate here but seriously, I do not want to get married.
The idea of a fellow wanting marriage is like a red flag to me. I have to say WTF? and probably break up if he insisted. It's just creepy to me, always has been.


My joke...

"I would never marry a man who'd want me as a wife!"
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 34
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/20/2012 12:53:24 AM
I read an article somewhere that a woman can be as "wife material" as she can possibly be -- if HE isn't at a point in his life where he feels ready to marry, he simply won't. ... There were just about 3 or so factors involved and one of them was he needed to feel financially stable/ independent first (meaning he's got the house/car/good & stable job) before he will consider settling down .... Although IMHO, I've seen broke guys get married too so I don't know how much truth we should attach to the "financially stable" analysis ....


Personally I think the first analysis may have truth in it though. .. He will marry when he feels ready and not just simply because there is a woman who is wife-material in front of him ....


 Tom_FishOPlenty
Joined: 9/5/2012
Msg: 35
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/20/2012 7:09:26 AM
I guess my glass is full because my feelings for a woman always go in the reverse order. I meet them and if there is a spark I think this is great she could be everything. Then we spend time together and she slowly gets downgraded from wife material, to GF, to friend, to txt, to nothing. I must be doing it backwards!
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 36
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/20/2012 7:32:32 AM
always go in the reverse order. I meet them and if there is a spark I think this is great she could be everything. Then we spend time together and she slowly gets downgraded from wife material, to GF, to friend, to txt, to nothing. I must be doing it backwards!

That sounds like a joke, but actually it is the common default hard-wired fault-seeking process in the brain after infatuation wanes at about one to two years into a "relationship".

Initially the flood of neurotransmitters including oxytocin and dopamine causes most people to feel so great about someone new that all flaws are overlooked or thought of as "cute" or "endearing".

BUT at that waning of infatuation stage, the focus becomes more and more on those flaws and any new imperfections found. Since everyone has flaws and imperfections, then the cycle of disillusionment and then distancing typically happens to both people, UNLESS the default fault-seeking is countered with virtue focus and mutual respect building.

The rare case where they both are highly motivated to overcome that waning infatuation by replacing physical infatuation (Eros) with unconditional love (Agape) due to having so many common interests, virtues and goals,
can lead to marriage and the establishment of a stable family and offspring.

Lucky for most of us that our parents usually managed to stay together at least until we were born and schooled for a while, so that we all can be here online struggling to find decent "mates"...



It usually happens to me over the course of about 3 dates.

I must ask: Is much alcohol involved in each of those "dates"?
Also, changing your apparent pattern of having only 3 "official dates" by instead making friends at your local social meetup group events over a period of months may change your results.
You will have the time to learn more about those people in a group setting, so that neither may be overly infatuated with the other. When you see people as they truly are for months/years in a group, you can make better choices of whom to spend more personal time with rather than having to try to "impress" each other on a typical first "date"...

 Tom_FishOPlenty
Joined: 9/5/2012
Msg: 37
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/20/2012 7:55:43 AM

That sounds like a joke, but actually it is the common default hard-wired fault-seeking process in the brain after infatuation wanes at about one to two years into a "relationship".


It usually happens to me over the course of about 3 dates.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 38
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/20/2012 9:19:00 AM

They also seek love and acceptance.
Women instinctively seek security- to be protected by their mates, and to be loved. They also seek love and acceptance.


Here's the thing. We all want to be loved. Some want to be loved today. Some want to be loved for the rest of their lives. So if I meet a woman, and she's not that into me...in a way that fills me with joy, it's eventually going to end. You may not know that right away, but after a period of several months you can see where is going.

What that also means, is that we start by working on intimacy and relationship. One cannot start without the other. No intimacy, no relationship. No relationship, intimacy goes out the window. Some guys like me are not going to wait months for the sex, why? Because we can get a ton of sex right now.

So it's a package deal. What you want to find out is what is it that the guy is looking for. Just fun, or a relationship. And go from there.
 Tek_Savvy
Joined: 10/13/2012
Msg: 39
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/20/2012 9:34:41 AM
If you want to marry you need to have something to offer. Just sitting on your butt waiting for guys do it is insane. Men don't like talking feelings not because they dislike to talk about but it's a struggling. Most women don't know how to listen and they will judge him pretty harshly. Men need to be valued otherwise he will lose interest you in time.
I don't believe in marriage only because most people don't take it seriously. You might say I'm wrong but how many people divorce in a few years?
Also many men end up ditching their friends because they wife expect them to do it. Guys just hate that, they don't want to lose their freedom. You need to show he can have his freedom yet be devoted to you. Show yourself that you don't need constant attention.

Remember it's not all about you but many women think that way.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 40
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/20/2012 10:51:17 AM
In my experience, people resist when they feel they are being manipulated. Both sexes.

It is not attractive to realise the person we are dating is out to get married and any warm body will do. Men are not alone in this way of thinking, It is just seemingly more common to hear that women are the ones wanting marriage more often.

Saying that men who break up with you have commitment issues, is also very telling. I dont have a commitment issue and I have had to end things with men. I would be a tad pissed off they went around stating I have commitment issues. Please stop putting terms like this on other people. The only thing you do know is this-they didnt have the desire to commit you you personally. By your own words, you say they didnt open up to you, so how can you go around saying they have commitment issues? They didnt tell you that, you want to think it to make yourself feel better would be my guess.

As has been stated here, when someone finds that thier life is far better with you in it, then it was before you entered the scene, they will want to try and keep you in thier life. This goes for all kinds of relationships, not just the romantic ones.

So ask yourself the hard questions.

Are you actually self sufficient? (in that you can dine on your own in public, entertain yourself etc)

Are you independant? (can you pay all your own bills, live within your means and not carry much debt?)

Can you problem solve without needing to always lean on someone else? (do you handle your own mechanical issues, either by getting quotes and paying on your own, or learning how to do these things for yourself?)

Are you emotionally stable (do you use emotions as excuses for bad behaviour?)

Are you accountable for what you say you will do?

Do you live an interesting life? (or are you always waiting for someone else to join you before you will get out and do things)

These are just a few I think of when accessing where Im at, and whether Im looking for someone to fill a gap or not. I am accountable to fill the gaps in my personal development, no one else.

These are things every person should be before entering into marriage. Someone another person can rely on, count on and depend upon. No one is thrilled to think they have to handle everything. No one wants or needs a partner who makes life tougher. It is just easier to remain single than to accept less than this. We no longer require other adults just to survive. We live in homes that either sex can maintain if they have the desire to do so. So...what do you bring to the marital table that a man couldnt get on his own? It cannot be just sex, they can phuck anything, including thier own hand. They wont marry it though. It cannot be housekeeping or cooking, men can hire that out or do it themselves...so what is it about you, that a man should see and desire for a life long commitment?

I have a hard time believing a physically attractive woman who does all of the above with no complaints/much horn tooting is going to be alone for a long time.
 Thomas_Andronicus
Joined: 6/17/2012
Msg: 41
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/20/2012 9:46:03 PM
Well my opinion is that you've had to much brainwashing, I mean, college education. By all means be modest and hold to your values but take all your diplomas and file them. Be demur, charming, simple and uncomplicated. Trust me.
 Anshow
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 42
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/20/2012 10:20:16 PM
I think men ultimately seek the same thing women do in the end. What they seek and how they do it is pretty different and can cause conflicts at the start though. As notdating-forumsonly points out, many men use sexual attraction (or simply attraction) as part of the initial filter for which women fit within his scope. When that is met, it comes down to everything else.

For me, sex and attraction will always be an element in a relationship I have with a woman. But, I seek the same things she does. Love, acceptance, need, it's all a two way street. It's tricky considering how our society works but it's pivotal. It's not just about how I feel about her but about she makes me feel about myself. I may love someone but if I don't feel like I'm needed or worthy or accepted, it almost doesn't matter.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 43
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/20/2012 10:35:48 PM
Guys shy away from extemely desparate women. If you stop acting so desparate, thinking a fairy tale wedding will solve all of your problems


Actually... to me it comes off as being more desperate when someone is afraid to say what they want out of life or what they expect out of others because they are afraid of scaring some man (or woman) off or appearing too needy. So... instead of setting any standards they just willingly accept whatever comes their way... even when it's not really what he or she wants. They stay with someone who's totally wrong or them because they don't want to be alone. Lots of people just float about in various forms of NSA relationships because they are too afraid to expect more.

To know that you want to be in a committed relationship, to be clear about the benefits about being in a relationship and to know what you bring to the table as a partner... and to make your intentions well known and to take action to create the type of relationship that you want is being decisive. People who are decisive don't sit around wasting their time with someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with them.

Definition of DECISIVE
1: having the power or quality of deciding
2: resolute, determined
3: unmistakable, unquestionable
 _Roo_79
Joined: 10/17/2012
Msg: 44
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/20/2012 10:39:12 PM
Society says that men are driven by logic and sex, while women are driven by emotions and feelings. WHATEVER! :p From dating to girlfriend to wife requires only one thing. Emotional attraction. To get.this, a guy needs to know that you are comfortable with yourself and secure.with your emotions. You need to be strong on the inside, yet soft and gentle on the outside. Let youneuroticr femininity take control. This will let the guy assume his natural role as a man. He will feel strong, needed, and safe knowing that you feel safe inside yourself. Now don't take this to extremes and like a neurotic ****. Lol. And by the way... Take it as a compliment when guys always look at you sexually. You don't have to give in, but have fun with it, flirt, and walk away with your head up, and shake your ass with pride! Another awesome natural attribute that woman were blessed with. Embrace it! :)
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 45
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/20/2012 11:10:35 PM
~OT~ It's interesting to me that so many women think it's all about how independent they are, how emotionally connected they and the man are, etc. In the past (nearly) 13 years I've been proposed to an embarrassing number of times. Given the fact that I ONLY met/dated men who'd never been married, it was strange ~ even to me. Why did those men suddenly become marriage minded? Because I LOVE to take care of my man. Yep ~ it's just that simple. I love nothing more than doing the things SO many women either have no interest in doing, refuse to do or don't really even know how to do. Because my break-ups were always amicable, I have actually asked three of those men exactly what made me marriage material when their ex's just weren't. The answers were the same: 1) they'd never been taken care of by a woman they were romantically involved with; and 2) wicked-good sex and lots of it (oddly ~ I never thought the sex was mind-blowing, but apparently for those three it was.) So while I think we'd all like to think men want to marry a women who is independent, emotionally secure, intelligent, etc., etc., etc., I think it's much simpler than any of that. They just want to be loved, tended to, cared for and put first on our list of priorities. I could be wrong ~ or maybe I just happen to know 5-10 men who are the only men on the planet who wanted to be taken care of. I truly believe it's just simple, old fashioned wanting to be treated as a man by a woman without all of the other junk getting in the way. JMO
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 46
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/20/2012 11:59:09 PM
I think verygreeneyez gave a pretty good answer.


The answers were the same: 1) they'd never been taken care of by a woman they were romantically involved with; and 2) wicked-good sex and lots of it They just want to be loved, tended to, cared for and put first on our list of priorities. I could be wrong ~ or maybe I just happen to know 5-10 men who are the only men on the planet who wanted to be taken care of. I truly believe it's just simple, old fashioned wanting to be treated as a man by a woman


I have been proposed to 3 times, and I never really asked why. I should have married my first GF when she wanted to get married, but I though wicked-good sex, being taken care of and being near the top of her prioties was more the norm rather than being rare. The second time caught me by surprise as we were supposed to be ships passing in the night. I wonder how it would have worked out if I had at least moved in with her,but thought it likely her personality would have destroyed me. I broke up with her but tried to maintain a romantic relationship, probably the worst way to have tried to keep seeing her. But I did learn a lot of many things.

Oddly enough, my first wife didn't push to get married, should would have been willing to move across the country with me while staying single, which would have been a better choice. I suppose I thought being married it would be better for us, but I was naive about how things were likely to develop.

I do look for someone that isn't ever going to go out of her way to hurt me even if she is angry about something, and someone intelligent enough to help in finacial support, someone that is compatible on several levels. But really it isn't that hard to find those qualities.

But the first 2 are the rare items.
 Anshow
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 47
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/21/2012 12:07:06 AM

You need to be strong on the inside, yet soft and gentle on the outside.


Exactly! A little more detailed explanation below.


.) So while I think we'd all like to think men want to marry a women who is independent, emotionally secure, intelligent, etc., etc., etc., I think it's much simpler than any of that. They just want to be loved, tended to, cared for and put first on our list of priorities. I could be wrong ~ or maybe I just happen to know 5-10 men who are the only men on the planet who wanted to be taken care of. I truly believe it's just simple, old fashioned wanting to be treated as a man by a woman without all of the other junk getting in the way. JMO


You're not wrong. However being independent, emotionally secure, and all that isn't mutually exclusive to being affectionate and taking care of them. That's the disconnect. People tend to think that those aspects can't coexist with each other but they can and that's what makes a man want to marry a woman. It's when those two aspects don't match up for the guy that keeps someone out of their "marriage material." I want a woman to spoil me a bit but not need me at every turn. In return, I expect the same. I want to spoil her and hope that she doesn't need me to tend to her every need. It's very hard to find someone that meets eye to eye on that issue for many people.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 48
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/21/2012 4:27:54 AM
Really I think that guys will want to marry you if you help them be the best person they can possibly be without making them feel like a shit in the process.

Oh, and lots and lots of great sex.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 49
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/21/2012 9:26:24 PM

You're not wrong. However being independent, emotionally secure, and all that isn't mutually exclusive to being affectionate and taking care of them. That's the disconnect. People tend to think that those aspects can't coexist ...

I'm sure you're correct. The interesting thing about some of those particular traits? I was married to someone that loved I was independent, until he didn't. That was one of his chief complaints about me as a woman. Oh, he loved that I had a career and didn't require much of his attention, but he once said to me, "Do you know how hard it is to love a woman who doesn't mind being needed but needs no one?" At that time, I didn't give that a second thought because the marriage was to the eulogy/bury it stage. But when I did a reinvention of self post divorce that was one of the first items on my list of things to evaluate and change if I felt I needed to. And boy did I need to. Often times certain traits which seem like good things ~ aren't always so good. And yeah, I know all about the "healthy amounts" and "middle ground" but independence is terribly hard to get just right, especially when sharing a life with someone. I truly believe a long-time-fellow-forum-poster has it right ~ it's not independence that's the best, it's being interdependent with someone. I believe that's fairly rare and possibly why so many relationships fail. But that's just how I see it.

Really I think that guys will want to marry you if you help them be the best person they can possibly be without making them feel like a shit in the process.

I agree. JMO
 CheezyChick
Joined: 9/23/2009
Msg: 50
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/21/2012 9:54:42 PM
^^^ Dude, give it a rest....Enough with the self promotion. ...ugh

I personally believe there is nothing a woman 'can do' per se, to make herself marriage material. It's part of the vast Cosmic Universe that we have absolutely no control over...
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