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 DumbeBlonde
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 26
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The dreaded Holiday heart achesPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

Am I being selfish to feel hurt and angry? 
Not selfish; just foolish. You should have moved on long ago.

@BLoNde__ANgeL (msg 22)

Why would you even want to settle for the crumbs that this man doesn't even offer you??? 
Because the OP doesn't want to be alone this Christmas. I think that this is what it's all about.

The "you deserve someone better than me" line is just a gentleman's way of letting a lady down gently. OP just doesn't want to acknowledge it's over.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 27
The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 6:33:23 AM
^^^ I agree, BUT she has been all alone for how long? Doesn't she want to be w/ someone who includes her all year round & makes himself available & is not a cruel, emotionally abusive selfish pig?
 DumbeBlonde
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 28
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The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 6:52:17 AM
^ ^ ^
... a cruel, emotionally abusive selfish pig
A little harsh?

After all, we only have HER side of the story by which to judge him. She omitted a lot of relevant background until others recalled her earlier posts and brought that info into the equation. Furthermore, she stated that he informed her about Christmas 'during a phone conversation' but neglected to say who called whom or how that topic came about. For all we know, she may have called him and asked him about his plans. They're not actively dating so why would he include her? I think there's a lot more to this than we're being told. Just my gut feeling.
 sissy1202
Joined: 6/12/2012
Msg: 29
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The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 6:54:28 AM
You seem to be the only one that gets it. He is the one that keeps stringing this thing along. Every time we both decide to try and move on…he sends me messages telling me how much he knows what he’s missing out on. He always sends me messages that are seductive and keep me interested. July we spent the weekend together. It was a very painful experience for me seeing him go away again. That’s when I suggested that we try just being friends. He has been in town a few times after that where we shared dinner and only dinner. September was the last time I saw him as his project here had completed.
Then out of the blue he contacted me and proceeded to tell me that he had been feeling sorry for himself knowing what he was missing out on by not being able to nurture a normal, meaningful relationship with me. He then sprung the vacation request on me. He’s been slowly letting me in on things little by little. Like things are beginning to slow down at work. He has even talked about trying to find employment here in Colorado Springs. But his tone is more “dream” like than with any seriousness.
Then the Christmas thing just crushed me. Anyway I hope I did the right thing this morning. I informed him that I would not be taking a trip with him. He sent me a very curt reply and nothing more.
 sissy1202
Joined: 6/12/2012
Msg: 30
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The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 6:55:31 AM
^^^ that message was meant for Fleuron
 AJ2517
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 31
The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 7:24:46 AM
OP, maybe you are finally taking inventory of your self worth....Stop allowing another person to control you and your emotions, it never ever works......Time to be a mature woman and do what you need to do....Sounds by his reply to your email saying you won't make the trip, he sees he can't control and manipulate you.....Don't let up on that, you will be all the better!!
 Bella_RF
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 32
The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 7:35:56 AM
Are you kidding me??? Don't weep for a man not worth it...dust off your boots and move on!!! It's the best way to be happy!!
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 33
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The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 7:41:28 AM
*sigh*
You first message says you haven't spent anytime since July and your last message says you saw him in September.
Big difference between a 4 month absence and a 2 month absence. But, I'm not going to nitpick, because you probably meant you only had sex with him in July.

Your last sentence sums it up:

Then the Christmas thing just crushed me. Anyway I hope I did the right thing this morning. I informed him that I would not be taking a trip with him. He sent me a very curt reply and nothing more.

Now all you have to do is get on with your life and don't fall into the same "one weekend every 2-4 month" thing.
 Sand Dunes
Joined: 8/19/2009
Msg: 34
The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 7:45:58 AM
Im sorry your having to go through this OP. Im sorry I have nothing to contribute to as a solution. But just wanted to share that your not alone. An almost identical scenario occurred in a relationship of 2 years I had a awhile back. This was involving her daughters wedding and other family get together's. We lived 25 miles apart and saw each other several times a week. As odd as this sounds, I finally drew the conclusion that she had been single for so long before we met (12 years), she was uncomfortable being perceived as a couple around her family and I guess her home town also. But everyone knew of me, thats what the odd part was. For her, I think it was more of a "strong single mom" image she preferred and not so much a single and available image as you would think. We were pretty close, I would have known other wise.
But all the same, it really hurt. When I would raise the issue, it was played off like..that's just how things are, it was the "norm" for her. She would also go on about how awesome her brother was and how much him and I had in common. She would show me pictures of his motorcycle, his Facebook page etc. But when he would come to town, she would never arrange a greeting. But she would talk about what a nice guy I was to him etc..
It was an insanity of insensitivity. I carried that "what am I, chopped liver?" feeling around till the relationship had finally run its course. This was particularly puzzling to me as the beginning words in our relationship from her were "I dont want to just start a relationship with you, I want to start a LIFE with you".
I do however want to wish you a wonderful holiday season. Hang in there kid, your in good company.
 sissy1202
Joined: 6/12/2012
Msg: 35
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The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 8:36:04 AM
Even before the flaunting of his Christmas plans…I could see there was something not right with this man. Quick tempered…often feeling sorry himself and it seems I was always giving him comfort. Even this Thanks Giving. Again… I found myself spending the evening trying my hardest to cheer him up. He’s in New Hampshire wrapping up a project so was unable to spend the holiday with his family. I went to a movie and did other stuff and was just fine but he needed someone to listen to him and I did. I kept reminding him of how lucky he was to have his family. Not once did he mention my lack of family and I never brought it into the conversation. The Christmas vacation and Thanksgiving night really helped see things in a different light. I now see that my role in his life is just a distraction from his loneliness and whatever else it is that keeps him so miserable. And let’s be honest…he was just a distraction for me…
I want to thank everyone for your comments. I posted here hoping it would stir things up enough where I would finally pull the plug on this relationship. You don't know how many times I have wanted to. That awful feeling of loneliness kept me at his beckon call.
I turned down the vacation and following his reply wish him well. I will miss him…but only when loneliness creeps in… Wish me luck and good luck to each of us!!!!
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 36
The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 10:45:43 AM

^^^ that message was meant for Fleuron

Then the Christmas thing just crushed me. Anyway I hope I did the right thing this morning. I informed him that I would not be taking a trip with him. He sent me a very curt reply and nothing more.


Yep, I get it completely.

Of course he gave you a very curt reply…you wounded his itty bitty ego, now he has to pretend to be all badass and cold. Some guys are so feeble.


…often feeling sorry himself and it seems I was always giving him comfort….. he needed someone to listen to him and I did…. I now see that my role in his life is just a distraction from his loneliness and whatever else it is that keeps him so miserable. And let’s be honest…he was just a distraction for me….


Been there, done that. You have a good sweet heart…some screwed up people see that as an invitation to TRY to rip it to shreds. Don’t let him do it.

He knows you’re emotionally vulnerable and he’s enjoying the ego rush of being able to push your buttons and control your affection. He’s a manipulative jerkoff.
Tell him to go f uck himself and then forget him. Probably there are lots of handsome hunks in Colorado who won’t treat you like shit. :)


I turned down the vacation and following his reply wish him well.


I prefer “go f uck yourself.” But I’m a New Yorker; that probably has something to do with it. ;)

When you start feeling that “lonely” feeling, DO something. Keep busy. Turn your focus away from yourself. Try something new. Watch a funny movie. Anything…just don’t nurture that feeling, and whatever you do, DON’T cave and contact him!

Feel free to private message me if you need a shoulder. :)
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 37
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The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 11:06:57 AM
Rule #1 in any sort of relationship, if someone tells you they are not good enough for you/you are too good for them/they are wrong for you, etc., believe them! There is one of two reasons why a person does this, it's the truth and they are testing you to see how gullible you are so they can use you, or they are so insecure and needy of attention from you and will suck the air right out of any room they are in (and that would require a lot of years of good professional help to overcome, not a willing enabler), so move on when someone tells you that you deserve better.

This man has moved on but you are clinging like a barnacle, grow some personal self-worth and expect more from a man & a relationship. You are dying, alone, in a fantasy land. He isn't really even hurting you, he's using you when he feels like it but mostly, he's gone, been gone and plans on staying gone. Let it go.
The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 11:49:57 AM
That would be realy painful hun and you have every right to feel hurt by that ... I think you should move on sweetheart and find someone that would be more caring of you than he seems to be ...
I know it is hard but you can find someone that treats you right and wont hurt you like that ... Maybe take a break between relationships but still move on hun ...
You know everyone deserves to be cared about and treated right and that includes you hun ...

I wish a long loving and caring relationship to come your way
AnglFlyn
 GenJayne
Joined: 10/17/2012
Msg: 39
The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 11:54:54 AM
Don't judge your feelings. Ask if you can get a hotel room near by and spend some of the time with him. If he says no, then he may have someone else he is introducing to the family. You hurt and angry and crying over this guy means that you need to speak up or put up. Do you want to put up with this shyt?
 ironwinecoffee
Joined: 9/4/2012
Msg: 40
The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 1:03:16 PM
I think you should move on. Being alone during the holidays is difficult and I do understand. My divorce will be finalized some time in 2013 and I live far from family. I have friends and got a few invites but decided just to work during the holidays to distract myself. Good thing about being an RN there are always sick people to take care of. It sounds like you value this relationship more than he does. That does not make him a bad guy just somebody with different priorities. Sorry you are hurting.
 oldfashmntman
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 41
The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 1:56:03 PM
Sissy Sissy Sissy, you are how old?

I have seen some say ignore him and he might see your value and come back.

I say you do not WANT him back!

Geeze honey, THINK about this!

OFMM
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 42
The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/24/2012 5:09:12 PM
And people wonder why long distance relationships don't work..................................here's your sign.....
 missmissgal
Joined: 11/17/2007
Msg: 43
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The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/25/2012 1:18:34 AM

Rule #1 in any sort of relationship, if someone tells you they are not good enough for you/you are too good for them/they are wrong for you, etc., believe them! There is one of two reasons why a person does this, it's the truth and they are testing you to see how gullible you are so they can use you, or they are so insecure and needy of attention from you and will suck the air right out of any room they are in (and that would require a lot of years of good professional help to overcome, not a willing enabler), so move on when someone tells you that you deserve better.


I couldn't have said it better myself. I think there can be a twist to your first reason - they have low self-esteem, and it is how they really view themselves (not necessarily see how gullible you are); they want you to convince them otherwise and be their emotional crutch. My ex told me, "I'm a sh@#." I should've listened to him. He was right.
 tribalfusion1953
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 44
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The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/25/2012 5:35:31 AM
The two of you are clearly not on the same page. It sounds (to me) that he washed his hands of the "relationship" some time ago, and since (if) you have not questioned the status of it - or his intentions - he feels he got off easy and wants to remain chummy, at best. Turn your page, dear - and please try to move on to the next chapter. Don't let this downer ruin your holidays - or any future days. You're better than that.
 sissy1202
Joined: 6/12/2012
Msg: 45
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The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/25/2012 5:38:15 AM
missmissgal....
I think you have nailed it…Yes, I saw the signs of a self-pitying man with low self-esteem from the start. I am co-dependent and have been through plenty of counseling to know better. Unfortunately the counseling came late in my life and it’s not so easy to change. So yes I saw the signs but jumped right in the mess anyway. Before he had to move away and while we were seeing each other on a regular basis… he treated me like a queen. He was the polar opposite of my last relationship. He showered me with affection and kindness. There were the signs though… If I didn’t reciprocate in any tiny way…I would find myself trying to smooth over his fragile ego. This man is probably the most fragile man I have ever met. He has a lot of the good qualities you want from a man and at the same time low self-esteem, angers easily and recently…deeply self-consumed. Sometimes I wonder if his relationship with his family is as good and close knit as he portrays. If counseling has taught me one thing…if you grew up in the atmosphere that he describes you will grow up to be a functional adult. Where do all his negative traits come from? His relationship with his family is one of the things that I adored about him… Perplexing…
 sissy1202
Joined: 6/12/2012
Msg: 46
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The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/25/2012 5:42:15 AM
Again....you can't know what you are talking about. You do not know the full story. This man was not ready to let this relationship come to a close. If he did...he would have. This was not the case....Trust me.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 47
The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/25/2012 5:56:20 AM
Until the OP fixes herself & her tendencies to accept crappola, she will repeat the same mistakes over & over, if not w/ this particular turd, a new one...
Many years ago been there, done that, hated it!
 justdeb1111
Joined: 8/12/2012
Msg: 48
The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/25/2012 6:29:33 AM
GIRLFRIEND!!

Drop kick that turkey, Thanksgiving is so over.

Now is the time to find someone new--a New Year is about to dawn. It's nearly Christmas--or Saturnalia, or Channukkah or whatever holiday name that human spirit has designated for this, the happiest, most positive time of year.

Do you REALLY want to spend this lovely season alone? If you truly want to meet someone new, JUST DO IT. Men are more, gawd, I don't know how to say it, more delightful and silly and goofy now. This season always gives me courage to approach those that I would blush and run away from any other time of year (literally, I've done just that).

However,

If you'd just rather wait at the fireplace for Santa to pop in, you've a better chance of that happening than your present boyfriend ever taking you for more than granted.

Mistletoe is a GREAT icebreaker....stock up before its all gone, muahahaha.
 m14shooter
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 49
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The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/25/2012 11:26:41 AM
He is hiding something, like a wife? Tell him to include you or tell him see ya!
 sissy1202
Joined: 6/12/2012
Msg: 50
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The dreaded Holiday heart aches
Posted: 11/25/2012 11:36:27 AM
Nooooo he does not have a wife. He is just selfish. Desided to unleash the games I suppose...Why bother posting anything if you're not going to bother catching your self up on the rest of the posts?

Anyway...unless this thread can offer some help for someone in a similar situation...then its a dead topic because I have ended it. Hopefully I will maintain the strength to keep it as such...
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