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 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 28
Telling the truthPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

Do you think this is something that will go away over time? Or from a girl's perspective is this a deal breaker?


I would hold my ground with the honesty part, be confident that you did the right thing in letting her know. Sure, you don't like her reaction to the bad news. She doesn't like the bad news. And... yes her reaction was a little dramatic, slightly manipulative. It's not as though you hooked up with this other girl yesterday. Cheating is a dealbreaker, but having a past... well... almost everyone has one. I wouldn't feel bad about this.

If something like this happened to me, sorry....I'd probably just go forward planning dates as though nothing happen. And...I wouldn't talk about it again unless she brings it up. Look for ways to diffuse the anger with humor... sometimes sad puppy-dog eyes work... "I'm so very fond of you, but will you ever forgive me????"

Eventually most people forget about these things and come to realize that it is no big deal.
 sigungq
Joined: 10/6/2012
Msg: 29
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/5/2012 6:06:30 PM

hawshark wrote: Is this a rationale reaction??


***SIGH***
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/5/2012 6:09:19 PM
Not sure what you thought you'd gain by telling her. I don't want to know who the guy I'm with slept with before me. Especially if I know them! There's an ick factor there.
 met-at-the-gym
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 31
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/9/2012 5:40:05 PM
Honesty is the best policy! If she can't appreciate the fact you were honest and up front especially since you guys are not in a relationship then she should probably kick rocks.lol Just don't do it again haha
 YourBrandNewGuy
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 32
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/9/2012 6:27:37 PM
I have never held anything a partner did before they met me against them. If they held something my past against me I would tell them just how nuts they are.
I don't see any reason for you not telling her. This thing about not sharing such stuff is for teens and so many adults are like OH no you should never tell she might get mad. So what you dodged a bullet if this breaks you apart.
 _PassionFlower
Joined: 11/27/2011
Msg: 33
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/9/2012 6:32:51 PM
Keep telling the truth...."Fantasy is what we want, reality is what we need"-Lauryn Hill
 Glenoran1
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 34
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/9/2012 7:33:48 PM
OP, you were pre-emptive, thereby ensuring she couldn't come back and say you hid it from her, if the other girl 'blabbed' about you two having been together at one time. IMO, regardless of her response to that news, it was the wiser choice, under the circumstances. Your current GF's reaction was reminiscent of 'if you don't like the message, kill the messenger' -- unfortunate, and hopefully a temporary outburst.

If she brings it up again, you could point out that she is the one you're with by choice, not the other one you felt was not right for you.
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 35
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/9/2012 7:41:45 PM
always tell the truth
 Bella_RF
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 36
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/10/2012 1:44:02 PM
The only time this "truth" needs to be divulged is if the person in your past is still in your present. Other than that, it's best left where it belongs....in the past. I don't care nor want to hear about a current beau's past gf's because frankly it's none of my business. But you chose to open this can of worms and now you're paying a price for it because I am sure you know her enough by now to know how she'd react!
 NYCmasterplumber
Joined: 8/17/2006
Msg: 37
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/10/2012 1:51:03 PM
Do a a Wild Bill (BUBBA) Clinton don't ask don't tell and lie constantly

Who can ever forget the hero of Bosnia the one and only Mrs Hellery Clinton facing small arms fire as she was ducking and firing her Barrett 50 cal back at the terrorists
 greatblah
Joined: 11/14/2012
Msg: 38
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History
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/10/2012 2:04:15 PM
Grad school, eh? It's rational reaction, not rationale reaction. A wise man once said: "man is not rational, he is rationalizing."

And I think it also applies to women.

Women need to understand that we have testosterone and it is an insuppressible force. Eventually, it's got to come out.
 AusteniticSteelMan
Joined: 12/7/2012
Msg: 39
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/10/2012 4:35:31 PM
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Do you feel guilty for some reason? Are you sure you really needed to tell her?

This might sound mean but are you stretching the truth a little, telling us that perhaps you slept with the other girl 'years ago' when the fact is you did it 'months ago' ?

All I'm saying is, don't discuss your previous relationships. Unless there's a serious need to sort things out, why would you do that?

However, you do have some integrity, I'll acknowledge that. Silly as it was.

I'd suggest moving on, this little debacle just revealed massive insecurity in your partner, something she needs to work on for a long term relationship.
 Therasak
Joined: 7/7/2012
Msg: 40
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/12/2012 2:40:27 AM
It was an immature reaction on her part, unless you are keeping something from us.
You didnt betray her in any way, you werent together. So no cheating. Even if she doesnt like the girl, your sleeping with that girl before this girlfriend is irrelevant. I dont get why she is upset. Im impressed you were honest enough to tell her. (not that I know you, just impressed because most people (male or female) wouldnt find it relevant to reveal past romps)
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 41
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/12/2012 3:45:29 AM
some things you need to take to your grave...if it had come up via another means so be it..but throwing it at her and expecting good results..well..lets just say i hope you learned from this, grasshopper.
 GeekyCrazyButCool
Joined: 11/21/2012
Msg: 42
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/12/2012 6:13:41 AM
If you REALLY cared you wouldn't have done wrong in the first place.
You were only thinking of yourself when you hooked up with the other
girl and now thinking of yourself again to ease your conscious.

Sorry she is right....you are wrong....live and learn...don't do that again....move on.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 43
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/12/2012 8:01:17 AM
Having learned of your previous hook-up with the other girl, your current girlfriend now sees your taste in women as questionable. If she was feeling special before, she’s feeling less special now. Being your chosen one doesn’t mean as much as it did before she learned about your previous fling.

In her view, the value of your acceptance and approval has been diluted, even tainted by your association with the other girl. She doesn’t see you as the discerning fellow that she once did. I think that’s a rational reaction.

A couple of things come to mind. One is that we don’t base our entire evaluation of our current relationship on just one thing, not on just one aspect of our partner’s character or behavior or judgment, though in this case it certainly is important to her.

This ‘indiscretion’ in your past may fade from prominence as your girlfriend comes to appreciate other things about you and your relationship.

Another is that you might ‘rehabilitate’ yourself in some way that is visible to her. If the opportunity presents, you might explain to her just why the chance hook-up seemed appealing at the time, why that’s all it was and nothing more came of it, and why your current ‘love choice’ is more reflective of who you really are as you have better come to understand yourself, and of what you truly value in an intimate companion. G’luck.

ps: Is it possible that the reason the two girls don’t get along is due to some jealousy or competitiveness or discomfort on the previous girl's part? It could be that your current partner is seeing some behavior in the other girl that wasn’t there before and for which she had no explanation until you told her of your involvement. Maybe this new information will temper her view of the other girl somewhat or make her behavior more understandable, even forgiveable.
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 44
view profile
History
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/12/2012 1:48:33 PM
It is funny how some people defend her reaction, what hppened to caring and maturity , she does not sound like a quality woman , insecure and maybe angry.

I have dated women like that and did not even have to tell her anything, did not hide anything or volunteerred anything , they find out and ask and i tell the truth , seen some good cat fight, it is a bad thing to intervene in a cat fight end up with scrtched pieces of broken nails in the face and missing hair.

It does not matter what age they feel like that it is the same if they are not balanced , secure and mature, I dated a 30 year old that found out I dated one she knew that was 24 years old, they worked together and she totured us both hahaha. I ended it.

Dude if it gets bad she is not worth it , if it is just a hint of jealousy, she wants you and cannot stand others having you and had you. Do not worry about it if does not affect the relationship otherwise bye, it may get worse because she is not ..."right"
 Love.Notes
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 45
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/12/2012 6:51:16 PM
Is this a rationale reaction??? No it's an immature reaction.

Advice? Talk to her about it if she doesn't get past it than consider giving her more time to adjust and/or move on.

She may just be the jealous type but there is no reason why she shouldn't be able to trust you. This all happened before you met and it's very normal for students to find gf/bf in the same school. And yes you did the right thing don't even question that. Poor Little Muffin is just gonna have to get over it.
 pinkmittens
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 46
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/12/2012 6:51:48 PM
what is she 12? move on You dont need that drama!
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 47
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/12/2012 10:40:50 PM
Her standards are high, keep yours high too, unless you were seduced ,and dragged into it,screaming blue murder. Heh, the likely hood of that happening is remote and indiscribable.
 Lowtones84
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 48
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/12/2012 10:44:50 PM
OP, it's an overreaction; she hates the girl therefore rules out if you're loyal you would allow no history with the girl she hates.

The best policy is pretend you're never getting any; everyone will be happy.
 cashleys
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 49
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/14/2012 2:59:00 AM
I think you did the right thing. If you had betrayed her by being with someone else while with her that is different. She sounds very immature.
We all have a past, and she should accept that and feel grateful you are such a good guy to tell her.
 WolfSpirit29
Joined: 11/22/2012
Msg: 50
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/14/2012 9:59:34 AM
If anyone can't understand that the past is the past and NO one can change the past, then it's time to move on. I have a feeling she's going to continue holding this over your head everyday. Not worth the exhaustion it's going to cause you walking on all the egg shells around her 24/7. :)
 mariettablue
Joined: 10/20/2012
Msg: 51
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/15/2012 6:11:34 AM
Truth (about past conquests) and the start of a new relationship don't mix! It is a very dangerous situation and if you didn't know before ......You know now! It's not the end of the world or anything but you opened the doors to the potential (even if it's not the case) of you and "That Girl" hooking up again if the situation was right which could be a potential (even if it's not the case) reason for your "Now Girl" not to give you the trust needed to further your "Now Relationship". As you can see your assumption of her handling the truth only created the assumption of potential future problems with "That Girl"(Even if that's not the case)!

As far as her getting over it, I believe she can get past it but I can promise that she will never ever forget it. Every female friend that you have, unless you met them together, will be examined with a fine toothed comb.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 52
Telling the truth
Posted: 12/16/2012 3:58:51 PM
Why did you tell her that? Why? No good can ever come from confessing something that happened before you were with your g/f, especially with a rivilary like between these two. Really, it should have been common sense for you to keep this to yourself. It wasn't necessary, & since they don't like each other or run in the same social circles, she probably would have never found out about your fling with her.
You are in the wrong here, your g/f has every right to feel the way that she does. It was a bad, stupid & insensitive move on your part to bring it up. It's like you rubbed her face into it. Completely unecessary.
All you can do is chalk this up as a lesson, which is next time, keep your mouth shut & leave well enough alone. And as far as your g/f's reaction, she has every right to feel that way. If you had kept your fling to yourself, she would still be your g/f. If she can't even look at you, I'm sure you're history.
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