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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What's so wrong with cheating, really?      Home login  
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 Hotmerlot
Joined: 10/9/2012
Msg: 101
What's so wrong with cheating, really?Page 5 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Your behavior indicates to me that your father didn't spend any time giving you 'man' lessons. Did you even have your father around? Someone should have taken you out behind the barn a long time ago and slapped the boy out of you.

Some of the men on this site are trying to share important information, insights and wisdom, but you don't want to learn from these men, you just want to keep on cheating, lying and hiding like a cowardly boy.

This is what happens when we take men out of the parenting equation. We raise a bunch of bottom feeders that don't know how to act like men. And we raise a bunch of silly girls to think these boys are acceptable partners.

You need to grow up before someone gets really hurt.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 102
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/4/2012 8:19:13 PM

I never hurt them. They NEVER know.


IF this is how you really behave in your “relationships,” I feel very sorry for you. Your cavalier attitude toward sex tells me you’ve never loved a woman…and that is damn sad.

When you love someone, you don’t deliberately hurt and betray them by pursuing your own selfish goals, then try to appear like you’ve invented the bullshit justification, “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” You wouldn’t want to risk hurting her in any way…if you loved her, you’d respect her and her feelings.

It’s my opinion that people who attempt to justify indulging in hurtful behaviors have little, if any, capacity for love, and it begins with the inability to love or respect themselves.
 Rheostatic
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 103
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/4/2012 8:30:43 PM
Please tell us exactly what you plan on saying if/when your partner finds out about your cheating.

"But I swear honey, I never meant for you to find out!" is what Homer told Marge when she found the gun he was hiding in the fridge. So congratulations, you're as dumb as Homer Simpson.
 SSC-SAF
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 104
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/4/2012 8:55:34 PM

I suggest you look into being polyamorous relationship rather than using the "Ignorance is bliss" approach to excuse your promiscuity in a supposed monogamous relationship. I personally would not partake in a polyamorous relationship but neither do I see anything wrong with it because in those types of relationships at least everyone involved is open about having multiple partners and they are okay with it. They don't need to make up lies or fake out to their partners about sleeping with other ppl.


^^^ This.

OP, maybe you don't think that anyone gets hurt if they never find out that you cheated, but in truth, someone will always get hurt - and that someone is you. You're cheating yourself in the long run.

At least be honest with yourself and with the others, and go for a poly relationship.

Or, do you like the cheater's rush too much to go legit?
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 105
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History
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/4/2012 9:53:19 PM
There's a cheaters rush? Hmmm...never heard of it.

I've heard of people getting off on the risk of being caught but that is usually a sexual taboo happy place for them, not getting an ex upset.
I always thought that when men screwed around on their GF they weren't thinking about their girlfriend at all during. (maybe guilt afterwards).

Maybe this is another difference between men and women, maybe a lot of men don't think while they are engaging in sex and a lot of women do?

Oops another thread.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 106
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/4/2012 10:06:56 PM
Makeyafamos- A lie by omission is still a lie.
If you want to play around, fine, but be honest about it.
Std's are not something you want and someone who trusts you deserves better than you dipping your wick in everything that moves,
Grow up!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 107
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History
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/4/2012 10:53:00 PM
Your true character is based on what you do when you think nobody knows. A relationship established on one-on-one togetherness is a lie if one or both are cheating. What you want is an open relationship but without confessing to each other. What's really wrong with cheating if you don't get caught, nothing if one has no morals or empathy.
 OCRebellion
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 108
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/4/2012 11:03:56 PM
Let's face it...OP you are a selfish, narcissistic pig. You lure and keep women under false pretenses - there is nothing ok with that. Your mother must be so proud to have raised such a morally bankrupt child. Would you want some man doing this to your mother? How would you feel if you found out your mother or your sister (if you have one) was treated in this manner? Or are you as equally loathsome of the female gender regardless of familial ties to you. Let's say one day your daughter (God forbid you ever spawn) comes to you, crying, after being treated in the same manner you treat women now. What would you say to her? Would she deserve better? or would you teach her to be a lying cheating scum of the earth; proud that the apple did not fall far from the tree? You can pretend to have this evolved facade, but the truth is...you're lying to yourself and one day you'll answer for your ill conceived deeds...eventually life finds a way to course correct.
 supplygoodguy
Joined: 6/4/2012
Msg: 109
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/4/2012 11:06:07 PM
You have no right to waste another person's time on this planet in the pursuit of their own personal happiness for your hidden agenda ... That is the selfish part. You can screw with your own life all you want but you don't have the right to keep someone back from the information they need to make an informed decision. You deceive them because you know they will leave which is not your personal right do dictate.. that is abuse.

Impulsive and immature behavior is not a recipe for optimum long term health.. you actually die sooner as well so cheating will have consequences to you despite your omission of errors. All you do is develop your skills to lie and use valuable brain time with which you could be developing your life to create a better life.. so you sell yourself short as well .. but you have no right to arrest the growth and value of another persons life and lie to their emotional bank account..

You need to work on your ability to feel some emotional empathy to understand what deceit does to another.. stop being delusional and self centered.. you're not the center of the universe.
 jpwrnglrwmn_forumsonly
Joined: 4/23/2011
Msg: 110
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/4/2012 11:13:28 PM
If you have to ask this question. .what's wrong with cheating, I wonder what else you think isn't wrong. That could be disturbing.. .If your moral compass is so skewed that you see nothing wrong with it. If you have to ask this, unfortunate is the lot of the person that's in the relationship with you. What is the point of being in a relationship,anyhow? It's unfair to them.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 111
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 12:27:40 AM
Op,if you're 29 and this is your attitude,then i feel very sorry for you.

Ive not read all the responses,which is quite rare for *me* but the Opening Post jumped out at me coz i really couldn't believe anyone was 'serious' about asking such a Q??

Op,when you have matured and experience more in life, particularly in Relationships,you'll eventually realize that the World doesn't revolve around your co*ck and having its needs met to the exclusion of everything else in Life.

I hope that realization dawns on you sooner rather than later.............
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 112
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 1:11:10 AM
I haven't read all the responses either (also "rare" for me :).

My take on it is, if you are honest with your partner and tell her what your attitude about sex outside of the relationship is, and she is ok with it, then it's not 'cheating'.

Your 'boundary' is that you don't want to know, and you don't want her to know. If you are both respectful of that 'boundary' then there shouldn't be an issue.

I'm not saying that I agree with your attitude, but so long as no-one is being deceived I don't see the problem.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 113
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What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 8:07:29 AM
What's so wrong with cheating, really?


A cheater is a cowardly bit*ch, regardless of gender, period.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 114
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 8:42:31 AM
Your behavior indicates to me that your father didn't spend any time giving you 'man' lessons. Did you even have your father around? Someone should have taken you out behind the barn a long time ago and slapped the boy out of you.

This is what happens when we take men out of the parenting equation. We raise a bunch of bottom feeders that don't know how to act like men. And we raise a bunch of silly girls to think these boys are acceptable partners.


I was thinking the same thing. What type of man grows up to think that relationships are worthless, that no one should care, that cheating is okay as long as nobody knows, and be completely emotionally absent?

Sounds to me like a kid whose father cheated repeatedly on their mother, and this is all this person was exposed to. The idea of family, a caring father that dotes on his kids is usually absent. So then the mother has multiple partners and the father appears and disappears out of the picture depending on when he wants to get laid, have a place to drink his booze and smack some kids around. So the kid grows up "street wise", desensitized. He learns that all women are whoes, and learns never to feel. Feeling is a weakness that doesn't get you laid. Also everything is a double standard, the "do as I say, not as I do." If you catch that parson saying one thing and doing another, their response is "I said that. So what?"

I've seen these types. Back when I was doing interpreting I would go to a jail with an attorney and translate. Now all the poor excuses these guys made meant nothing, but tears among men, and making a plea bargain to reduce some sentence for something stupid they did. Everyone else was doing it, so why not me, I want my share of the pie. Cheating, lying, messing around. It escalates because it has no boundaries. Until the boundary is placed by a man in a black robe and a small mallet.

Karma it a b itch. And it never, ever, ever fails. It's nothing I would wish on the OP or anyone. It's what happens all the time. It's what life does. Guess what? The Superman costume is not bullet proof, std proof, popping babies proof , and in the end emotionally proof.
 AngelofHonesty
Joined: 1/4/2012
Msg: 115
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 9:28:28 AM
Come on ...there's nothing wrong with "AN OPEN RELATIONSHIPT, AS LONG AS BOTH PARTNERS HAVE AN AGREEMENT OR UNDERSTANDING, because they are both aware of the non-exclusivity.... However if you are a selfish, heartless, ass-rat, and purposely be deceitful to someone, that's just plain bullshit. It's wrong and no amount of crap will can make it right!!! It's not what you do when your partner is present that counts the most, it's what you do when they aren't around that speaks volume!!! Sure you can be a sneaky snake, and even get away with it if you aren't caught, but is it really that serious, is that really a great accomplishment, REALLY, is that a proud feeling that you want to carry around, I believe not. Relationships are difficult to come by as it is, is it worth losing one because you can't be honest! That's the bottom line Honesty between partners, it's not some scientific discovery, it's just plain respect and honesty, and genuine love for each other.
 Rheostatic
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 116
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 9:49:04 AM
I wouldn't be playing psychologist with this guy. Saying he had a traumatic childhood is jumping to conclusions. I highly doubt the OP even believes what he's saying. If he truly subscribes to the "ignorance is bliss" philosophy, he'd have zero friends. He's outright stating that he's completely untrustworthy, even to his friends and family. Would he divulge an important family secret to all who cared to listen, as long as his family doesn't find out? Would he sleep with his best friend's girlfriend, as long as he didn't find out? I doubt it.

OP just wants to sleep around while in a committed relationship, and is making a piss-poor attempt at justifying it. Nothing more. He's not traumatized by childhood, he's just a d*ck.

Either that or a troll.
 _gjetost
Joined: 8/23/2012
Msg: 117
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 10:42:14 AM

.... So I get it the main thing is just lying, right? But if the lie doesn't effect the relationship - what difference does it make? This is my point. That if a tree fall in the forest thing, ya know.

If the woman finds out that I'm cheating, thus lying, yeah I get why it would be a deal breaker.


If effect, OP, you said it yourself. If it's no big deal one way or another, why not just tell her? I don't know, but I think it's a safe bet that she wouldn't see it as a tree falling in the forest and not making a sound.

But if you still feel that you like the illusion of commitment more than the actual thing, then if she sees eye to eye with you on that then no harm no foul. For both of you. If she doesn't happen to share that same viewpoint, then you can't be surprised an any actions she takes on her behalf.
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 118
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 12:54:04 PM

How can I be a hypocrite if I clearly say,that she can do the same thing I do? Have I not been shouting that. I have no problem with her cheating on me. Here is the caveat though - I just don't want to know about it.


"She can do the same thing" yet you do not want to know about it. The reason you do not want to know about it is because you know it will bring on negative effects and feelings for you & the relationship. Yet you think it is totally okay at the same time too. .. Sounds more like a cheap way to excuse your own cheating behavior.

Ask yourself this: Why do you even care for the (illusion) of a monogamous relationship then? ..... Fact is, most likely because it brings a sense of comfort to you. Even if it is a FAKE sort of comfort.

You see, at the same time, you also refuse to be in an open relationship probably because that sort of relationship does not give you the same comforts as a (illusioned) monogamous one.

Your sub-conscience is already telling you that a monogamous relationship will give you more comfort yet you yourself don't even realize WHY you pick the (illusioned) monogamous relationship over an open non-monogamous one.




And call me names all you like if it makes you feel better.


Okay, how about self-contradicting foolish person?


Ok, see once again this is not what I'm saying, because in the example you just posed - it ACTUALLY harms someone. I haven't harmed a single woman I've been with. Not one.


I was using [stealing and hitting] as a metaphor. It could be any kind of negative behavior that results in negative consequences, ie., lying, cheating, stealing ..... Hurt doesn't need to be physical. Emotional hurt is still hurt all the same. .. Even you admit to the fact that you would indeed feel hurt if your GF cheated on you.


I've no problem with someone doing to me what I'm doing to them.


If you really did not have a problem with your GF bedding other men while with you -- you really would have been in an open relationship already. .. No need to play little lying games trying to conceal your promiscuity. .... The only reason you need to hide it (and they should also hide it from you as you stated) is because of the very fact that it is a NEGATIVE action which you would rather not face, see nor hear. ..... It makes you a COWARD because you would rather not face the truth for what it is. You want to play little lying games behind each other's backs.




Fact is as someone else posted. MOST men and women cheat. This website, forum, posters, etc. are full of cheaters. Women I've been with certainly may have cheated on me, but I don't KNOW they did. And I'm cool with that.


How do you even come to the conclusion that "MOST men & women" cheat? .... You know the old adage: Like attracts like. And you admit to cheating so why is it so surprising that you attract cheaters as well? ... You do not honor nor value honesty and trust in a relationship -- what makes you think you can attract women who will?

You're only "cool" with that because you didn't know. ... I wonder if you would also be "cool" if your GF gave you herpes or some sort of STD (curable or incurable doesn't matter) from sleeping around with other men ?
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 119
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 2:48:41 PM
^^^ Also... I find it strange that the OP doesn't seem willing to put forth the effort to create illusions within a non-monogamous open relationship. Is it that difficult to create the illusion of comfort with someone you know is not faithful to you? Why is that so hard to do? Essentially this is what you are asking the women you are with to do. In that you are the unfaithful partner and you are asking them to pretend that they are in a committed relationship when they aren't.

Honestly.... It will better for you to be with a woman who doesn't believe in monogamy and wants a open relationship... the same as you. If this woman falls in love with you knowing how you really are, then it is REAL love. And... a woman like this is going to accept you for who you are including your flaws... because she has the same flaws and can relate. And... chances are you will have a closer relationship with someone like this because you will be able to relax and be the REAL YOU instead of the FAKE YOU that you currently are. You won't have to keep up your game face and try so hard. Ultimately, real love is about... being able to be yourself and knowing that the other person accepts you for who you are. I'm not sure how you can actually trust any of these women that you are currently dating because chances are in the back of your mind you're always worried that IF they really knew who you are... they would not accept you. And, chances are you probably don't respect them because well... they either don't have a good grasp on reality or they are sort of dumb.


By choosing a non-monogamist, open woman... instead of pretending that you aren't hurting anyone...in reality you wouldn't be hurting anyone. I think most people understand that cheating within a context of a REAL committed relationship is hurtful to the partner who isn't cheating. Even if the partner doesn't know about it... cheating causes damage to the relationship.
 Jamesin2013
Joined: 9/13/2012
Msg: 120
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 4:23:29 PM

The type of man who grows up to think that relationships are worthless, that no one should care that cheating is ok as long as no one knows, and is completely emotionally absent is a NARCISSIST plain and simple.

Emotional unavailability, lacking in empathy for the feelings of others because they themselves have NO feelings, no understanding of LOVE, are also selfish, mean, nasty and cruel are all traits of the Narcissist.


lol,,,,,,,,this is what happens when you are going along really well ,,using logic and reasoning to get to a point,,,and then you allow emotion to spill over into your diatribe and you then lose all credibility in an argument....

your such a woman!

here allow me to elaborate.......you tell us the OP is a narcissist,,emotionally absent,,,and then you go on to describe how he is also,,,mean,,nasty,,and cruel,,,,,,
well those are all emotions,,,and extreme ones!
a true narcissist is not even capable of those feelings
what those are,,,are YOUR emotional responses to the material you are trying to give an opinion on,,,you are telling us how YOU think he should feel,,,,,but ,,,this makes no sense because
he is a narcissist,,or a sociopath,,as has been mentioned,,,,,these people do not react the same way you just did,,with such emotion,,,they do not even care enough to be mean,,or nasty,,,these are emotional responses they do not even take into consideration

now,,,based on what i have been reading,,the op fits into the diagnosis of a sociopath/narcissist....BECAUSE he is able to do what he does without being hindered by those strong emotions the poster i am quoting assigned,,incorrectly imo,,to him

course,,i could be wrong :)
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 121
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 4:38:43 PM
" The measure of a man's REAL character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out"

We are talking to a brick wall on this one kidlets. Solid brick I might add.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 122
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History
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 5:17:37 PM
I had this friend, he just died last week at 59 years old. RIP. I meet him at work, and we spent five days and 40 hours a week together. I spent more time talking to him then my own family and friends. We went through every conversation two people stuck in the same room together could possibly discuss. ANY THING AND EVERYTHING you could possibly imagine we talked about.

In a nut shell, he had so many women In his life, he was a good looking man, personality and wonderful fun man to be around. Many acquainted; mostly women. Many times we got into fights over his ways, and how he thought and acted, but mostly the way he viewed women. He didn’t respect women. Ooh he loved women, all kinds of women, but he didn’t respect them. It got so bad at times during our conversations that we both threw each other out of each other’s offices, and we would go days and one time a month an wouldn't talk to each other. You get my point. Not always honest with most of them. Loved them all kind of mentality…

Anyhow, to make a long story short and yes I’m going to get to the point… One day, and excuse me for using his words, he told me he had so much “p u ***” that after awhile he couldn't tell a nice women from a bad woman (good or bad for a possible long term relationship or maybe even marriage). He wore himself out literally. He told me he let the good ones go, because he always thought the horn of plenty would never go dry.

Then about five years ago, he found himself getting older, not having the looks he used to have, his health started to fail. He started telling me his regrets about the women in his life, all the horrible things he did to them, by lying and cheating. Playing games….

When he got sick, he was starting to become a afraid of dying. He wondered if all the bad things he did in his life if he would go to heaven. I guess, for him he had so many regrets about not having a woman to love that in the end, and never staying with just one woman he died a lonely man with fears.

At his funeral, three of many women that I knew from his past where there…. I was only there for a half hour. He had one best friend that did take his dog. To die at 59, is even sadder.

What a sad way to end one’s life. To end with regrets to me is truly a sad way to go.

I think the youth don’t know what they are up against as they grow into maturity.

Be happy and kind to one another.
Peace!
 hplazerjet
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 123
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 5:40:29 PM
The funny thing is that the OP has no clue as to why he's wrong.
He's rationalized the whole thing into making himself the good
and "honest" one!
Kind of funny actually.
 sigungq
Joined: 10/6/2012
Msg: 124
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 5:51:03 PM
OP, there are two things wrong with cheating. Of course you figured out one of them. The other one is it spreads disease.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 125
What's so wrong with cheating, really?
Posted: 12/5/2012 6:32:27 PM

How can I be a hypocrite if I clearly say,that she can do the same thing I do? Have I not been shouting that. I have no problem with her cheating on me. Here is the caveat though - I just don't want to know about it.

If you tell her you have no problem with it OP, then she’s not cheating on you. No agreements have been broken. It’s inevitable though that she’d ask if you want the same privilege. And that doesn’t seem to have been the case in the examples you’ve given…

If the woman finds out that I'm cheating, thus lying, yeah I get why it would be a deal breaker.


So the former (‘I clearly say that she can do the same ‘) is merely a hypothetical (and a red herring) and the latter, where the ‘woman finds out that I'm cheating, thus lying’ is closer to your actual practice.

If she and you have explicit agreements in place, then this thread is moot – there’s no cheating, no lying, no harm – just a commitment to a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy that renders your entire question puzzlingly irrelevant. But those explicit agreements are NOT in place, the extracurricular sex is not by agreement, and you’re the only one engaging in it.

So while your “If a woman is cheating on me (and they may have, I don't know or care)” is a convenient cover for your own cheating, whether you know or care about her’s is not the whole point. Whether she even knows she can have extracurricular sex too is what makes this deal fair, equal and above board or not. And she doesn’t know.

Which makes the following all the more poignant:


why do we (meaning human beings) have this incessant need to know everything and try to actively seek out if someone is cheating or not. Why not just be ignorant and happy?

You don’t need to know. Because you already know she’s not cheating. She needs to know. Because you are. She needs to know, not just because you’re rubbing genital with others and potentially exposing her to hazards of which she has no knowledge.

She also needs to know that the person she’s involved with has a flexible relationship with the truth and has no compunction about misleading her. She needs to know the relationship is a fraud from the start. Small wonder you ‘like the illusion of commitment more than the actual commitment’, although it's not quite that simple. You actually like them both. She offers you actual commitment. In return, you offer her illusion.
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