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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Earnestly conflicted about her mental health.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 36
Earnestly conflicted about her mental health.Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Now I'm getting a little punchy so here comes a smug question. Without intent to offend I'll ask it plainly: "Outside of children and an increase in net worth, what value does a partner add?" The answer is: A couple of laughs. That's it.


Oh yeah I hear ya. Who needs balanced hormones from a great monogamous sex life? Or someone to make coffee in the morning when you sleep in? Holidays are so much more fun to spend single and who needs a guaranteed warm loving smile to greet them after a rough and crazy day? Go singles!!! Get a dozen or so cats and your house will smell great too!
 ThisisEXACTLYWHATIWANT
Joined: 6/18/2012
Msg: 37
Earnestly conflicted about her mental health.
Posted: 12/6/2012 11:57:51 PM
@relaxingwithyou:

Balanced hormones? I'm a dude. My hormones aren't the issue. "Great monagamous sex life?" Yeah, how's that worked for me so far? I'll pass. Again, I hate to sound combative but I'll sleep in when I want and coffee or not, I really never have to worry about getting out of bed all. Holiday's? You mean those times when you have to go to someone elses house or worse have people to your house for things like food? Then you sit around waiting for everyone to leave or instead fake an illness so that you can remove yourself from the picture. And after a long day, believe me, the last thing I want is a "warm and loving smile." It's just going to mean that somebody wants something, has something or did something that I'm going to have to fake a reaction to. Nope. I don't need validation, bro. I'm off that train.

I appreciate the sentiment and yes, I am being a little extreme for the sake of having a little fun but who needs any of that crap? Really? There's no return on investment. If you're not willing to invest in that stock it won't pay. If I invest in "alone" I can make that a fairly enjoyable experience.. No one way is better than the other. I get it. You value that kind of stuff. It means something. Something small but important to you. For me? Not so much.

A life partner isn't a necessity. Live alone and succeed, I win. In the absolute worst case scenario, if I fail at being alone, I end up in a relationship. (Really, that's the only way to fail at confirmed bachelerhood, no?) :-)
 ThisisEXACTLYWHATIWANT
Joined: 6/18/2012
Msg: 38
Earnestly conflicted about her mental health.
Posted: 12/7/2012 6:58:16 AM
@1UKN4U

She wasn't a nightmare. She's a really good person that needs help. Yeah, last evening I unloaded in a text explaining to her that I get all the worst from her. I get all the drama. I told her that If she has a new guy----that she met once and is planning to move in with----let him help you through life. "I'm no longer qualified to be your therapist, goodbye." One word. No bull. It ends just like that.

Next, I went to FB, took one last look at her homepage and some photos. Just wanted to look at the good times before I cut her off. It was hard. Yeah, I teared up and even although it came at a whisper, I said goodbye out loud and then broke down. She's not simply unfriended, she's blocked.

Today, I emailed her to cancel the phone. It's in her name but I pay it. We never cared about sharing that. We were on a contract but it's done. It's just another connection that has to go. I made my request to her through email and kept it very short.

This weekend, I'll have a "chic episode" and plan on going through the house and removing all the memories. My entire art collection has to come down because we put it together, together. All photo's will go into a box. I found her pyjamas in my closet the other day. They'll get tossed this weekend and I'll probably cry about all of it. All the linens we bought together ahve to go. Anything that has her fingerprints on it must leave my life for a committed period of time. One day at a time is how I'll start and hopefully one day I'll wake up and it'sll be 12 months later.

We've been apart for over a year and this is still the hardest day of my life. Losing my best friend for a second time is a miserable thing especially knowing how much she needs help. Poor kid. I really don't have a good coping mechanism for what I'm about to go through. Life is going to suck for a long time.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 39
Earnestly conflicted about her mental health.
Posted: 12/7/2012 7:12:59 AM
Your response made me think about something. My ex NEEDED to be married. She NEEDED children. She NEEDED to be taken care of. I've never NEEDED any of that and in fairness, I should have probably, at some point, been willing to make the sacrifice on at least one front. Yet another lesson learned if I ever decide to enter into another relationship.


Sounds to me that something finally snapped inside of you. You were in a forest for the longest time. What you did not know is that as a guy, you were probably brought up to solve problems. So your mind is always in problem-solving mode. It gives you meaning. Unfortunately the victim knows how to suck that out of you and use it. I was in such relationship. They needed this, they needed that, but when it became your needs, you were called selfish b as tard.

The problem along this, is when a person tells you of their needs and you emotionally respond, your body is secreting all this hormones and chemicals. Just like adrenaline has an effect, so do all these chemicals and we become addicted to them. That is where, people in this situation eventually become codependent of that other person, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, instead of saying, today I am doing this for me. So everyone else, either f vuck off, or play along.

When I finally realized the role that I played in the Drama of my bipolar ex, it was so incredibly liberating that was able, finally to let her go. Be free. Not to succumb to her pleas and needs and constant drama.

This also created a problem. Since I met an incredible woman with no drama. But for a while I felt empty because she did not send me into these intense extremes. It is weird and is not rational. I talked to my therapist about this and he said, to stay on the relationship until I could find clarity. I finally got that clarity after going to the Opera Carmen and seen the character Jose as me. Wow. I was then able to appreciate this new woman in my life and see her beauty and compassion.


We've been apart for over a year and this is still the hardest day of my life. Losing my best friend for a second time is a miserable thing especially knowing how much she needs help. Poor kid. I really don't have a good coping mechanism for what I'm about to go through. Life is going to suck for a long time.


What this tells me is that you are still severely addicted to her drama and the chemicals that they produce. Like my therapist said in one session. Stop rescuing people. Start choosing what YOU want.
 AJ2517
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 40
Earnestly conflicted about her mental health.
Posted: 12/7/2012 7:23:05 AM
OP, you did the right thing!!.....Not that me or anyone else has to tell you that but the things you said in your last post was exactly how it need to happen and you were the only one to get it to happen.....Ya, it won't be 12 months later just like that but it is the beginning of healing....Only when we all see things for ourselves honestly and truthfully can we move on and through all of this, we take care of the most important person we know---ourselves.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 41
Earnestly conflicted about her mental health.
Posted: 12/7/2012 7:29:43 AM

OP, you did the right thing!!.....Not that me or anyone else has to tell you that but the things you said in your last post was exactly how it need to happen and you were the only one to get it to happen.....Ya, it won't be 12 months later just like that but it is the beginning of healing....Only when we all see things for ourselves honestly and truthfully can we move on and through all of this, we take care of the most important person we know---ourselves.

so spot on...
 ThisisEXACTLYWHATIWANT
Joined: 6/18/2012
Msg: 42
Earnestly conflicted about her mental health.
Posted: 12/7/2012 10:16:25 AM
@ Outmind

Funny that you mention the opera Carmen. The woman that I ran from so that I could continue to "rescue" my ex was a big fan of Opera. Persoanlly, I can't stand it but now I wonder if I shouldn't have tried it with her before I ran. Then again, I probably wasn't ready for a relationship or didn't actually want one.

Knowing how I am, if I don't want to stay in something, I won't. Relationship or not, no therapist, not even penalty of death can keep me pinned in one place if I decide that I want to bolt. It's just a choice. I don't know how you stayed with your "friend" but having someone tell me that I should stick it out until I have clarity is dangerous too. When the urge to run strikes, I say run. Nobidy gets hurt that way. Sure, someone might be left without answers but who says anybody is entitled to an answer in the first place?

Final goodbye is done. I get the chemicals in the brain thing, now becasue I'm a sobbing mess. Geezus!

Here comes the anger. I get what you're saying about clarity but honestly, screw that. I don't need to "appreciate" anyone and I really don't want anyone to appreciate me. I'm done with that kind of responsibilty or reverance. Property appreciates. Art appreciates. Classic cars appreciate. Releationships? Depreciation is the operative term.

The puppies and ice cream cone set is going to drop their granola with that statement but facts don't lie. We're all here because we've been in failed relationships and some of us are lonley. I can't appreciate lonliness. I'm sick of the baggage that every perosn brings to a new pursuit, including my own. No, I choose not to appreciate anymore. It just turns into an expectatiion by both men and women... "Worship me. See how good I am." Or the flipside, "you're so great. You're so good to me." Just shut up, please! It's so tawdry and boring to believe that it's nothing more than lines of crap. What the hell is there to appreciate? Arguments? Dounle the laundry? Please...

As for beauty and compassion. I was a pretty good player back in the day. Beauty? I've dated and been with beautiful women. So what? They all ended up in the world of stupid. Besides, there's really no such thing as beauty. It's an idea, a thought. Nothing more. There's nothing tangible to it. You can't define it. and if you can't define it, it doesn't exist. (Proof: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Meaning, it's meaningless.)

Compassion? Nope screw that. I've spent the last two hours sobbing over closing the book on a relationship----IDIOT---- I don't want or need compassion from anyone and I really don't care what others are compassionate towards. It doesn't interest me and it doesn't concern me. Compassion is a euphamism for "feeling sorry" for someone. I'm a liberal thinker but compassion? For what? A waste of my time. Sympathy, empathy? Not part of my groove. Having to hold a sobbing spouse is about as heartwarming to me as the Hitler Family Barbecue. I do not want to be responsible for anybone's happiness. Deal with your own crap, just like I do. Find a web forum, say your piece and get out. Then get on with it. I don't care if someone dies. Not my job to sit there hugging it out with someone because they haven't figured out that SPOILER ALERT: You and everyone you know and love is one day going to die. Why do I have to deal with the crying and the drama? It's a guranteed one way ticket to the land of "Go Away."

Now to the chemical addiction to drama... I get it but here's the thing... Your therapist asked you to start choosing what YOU want. Some of us don't really have wants. Some of us barely have needs. Some of us are loners that in the end, need space.

Okay, fine... So let's talk about this... What if I really don't have anything i want? A relationship isn't any longer a want of mine. I don't want to be accountable to anyone. Dealing with the crap of "We have to go here, we have to go there. What did you do today? What took you so long? What are we going to do for Christmas? The Wilsons are coming by for dinner, please set the table. We have the Cancer walkathon on Saturday. We have to be there at 6am. " How can people not see what a waste of time the partnered life is? Someone to share my days with isn't a want, it's a burden.

Nope, **** it. this last post opened my eyes... Amazing what realities can come from a bit of pent up anger.

Ladies, you're all crackers. I'm done. Choice is simple... Outside of a mouth full of barrel and a toe full of a trigger (note languid sarcasm) the best way to enjoy what little time I have on this blue ball is to avoid the female species like they're like they're part of the oncoming Zombie Apocalypse.

I've had friends for 36 years that I've never had a harsh word with. Put a woman in my life for just twenty-eight days and I guarantee there's gonna be a fight. Not anymore though. Not in my home. Not in my life.

I get what Charlie Harper meant when he talked about high priced call girls: "You don't pay them to stay Alan. You pay them to leave." That's a gross savings of tens of thousands in cash and gratuities. Self flaggelation be damned.

Everytime a relationship ends for anyone, it winds up resembling a prison rape scene. Yeah, the water's warm, it feels nice and clean and safe as you clean up then, something sneaks up behind you and screws you like a dog. Every single relationship ends with the same word: Disaster.

Whew! Everything went blue for a second. That felt good. Venting can be a cathardic experience.
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