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Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 52
Best friend cheats on BFPage 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

Wow Mysterious Stranger, You make sense all around. I guess I should tell him, and you are def correct about evil people.

I don't agree with Mysterious Stranger's angle. It's worth considering, but in the end, I don't agree. You're not there to play doctor, take tests, do probabilities, etc. Having sex is not a life-threatening act. Now, if you KNEW her fling was someone who had a serious STD, then that's another story. But again, having sex is not a life-threatening act and it's not your job to horn in weighing probabilities, etc. Don't try and play hero here -- the real reason you feel like sh!t about it is because she's betraying her serious BF! In a bad way and not caring about it and continuing to do it!

So what do you do? You talk to your friend. You have influence on her. You tell her that what she's doing is seriously F'd up, and that you honestly have been losing respect for her. Talk some sense into her. And tell her you can't be friends because you can't be around a friend who's F'ing over their serious BF and continuing to do so as it's no big deal -- especially when you will end up being around her BF! That's F'ing with you, too. Let her be aware of it.

If you do what you can do to help her (or leave her as a friend), and she ends up breaking it off with her BF, understanding how bad of a person she's been, dealing with her BF in a fair way and all the while putting that "new guy" off to the side for some time while doing so -- that can appease your conscience because you put things in the right direction. No need to run in like a nurse with a cape on. :)
Joined: 8/28/2012
Msg: 53
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/17/2012 2:10:52 PM
If someone is willing to betray the person they allegedly love, how much do you think they value the person they just like (i.e. their friend)? I have stopped being friends with a couple of people who cheated on their gf/wives, and I'd do it again if I encounter the same situation. Part of being friends to me is sharing a base set of values. If that's gone, I'm gone too. Life's too short to hang out with bottom-feeders.

I wonder how many people flipping out about being holier-than-thou are cheaters themselves, present, or past. Now should you tell the BF? Well, if you are friends with him too, I'd do it because I figured I owed him that as a friend and I'd want him to do that for me. Yes, it could possibly blow up in my face. I could become the "common enemy" they try to (short term) rally their broken relationship around. Eh, **** 'em both in that case. You can't gripe at someone who cuts off all contact, and that's what I'd do.

Well-adjusted people end a relationship before moving on to another. All the excuses otherwise are just that, excuses.
Joined: 12/5/2012
Msg: 54
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/17/2012 2:31:47 PM
And women wonder why us men don't trust them these days. D'uh!
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 55
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/18/2012 5:24:08 PM
Mind your own business? What kind of advice is that when the friend made it her business by telling her about the cheating?

OP, I don't hang out with cheaters because I've seen and experienced the pain it can cause. As a person that has been cheated on I wish people that knew had the courage to tell me, but you do need to pay attention to the warning that the person being cheated on may not want to hear it and may turn on you. You need to prepare yourself for the worst reaction and have another person that the boyfriend knows and that you believe respects with you.
Joined: 11/20/2009
Msg: 56
view profile
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/18/2012 9:02:57 PM
Clearly this bothers you. Which meen that your moral code is diferent then your best friend. Cheating is an act of dishonesty and you should be worried because poeple who lack that moral compase cant be trusted . My guess is if she cheats on her boyfriend she will also cheat with your boyfriend if she finds him atractive.
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 57
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/18/2012 10:45:17 PM
My best friend confided to me that she had cheated on her husband with someone she met online and she is still my best friend even though I did not approve of what she did. It was not my place it judge, it was my place to listen and only offer advice when she asked for it. Nor was it my place to tell her husband. It WAS my place, however, to talk in very generic terms about the importance of safe sex, infidelity, guilt, trust and the damage that cheating can do to a relationship so she could make her own decisions about her situation which she did...she dumped the other man and filed for divorce. Turns out he had been cheating on her for years with several women. You said your friend never used to be like that...maybe there is more to the story than you know.
Joined: 10/4/2010
Msg: 58
view profile
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/18/2012 11:04:45 PM
Hmm she's 15? She should be in a school book never mind a relationship lol
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 59
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/18/2012 11:16:29 PM
First. You better have the facts ready. Just because someone tells you something, doesn't necessarily mean much. They could be lying for a couple of other reasons on this point. They may just want your attention, or they are thinking about it (although they said they have done it, which would be dumb) and just looking for your approval. 9 times out of 10 when I heard of someone being cheated on; the usual reactions from friends are, "I never would have guessed."
Now my counter-question is; If you were cheated on and found out some of your friends knew, but didn't say a thing; how would you feel? For me, I would lose that relationship, as well as those friends that knew, or I would never really trust them again.
Either way it is a sticky situation. Steelman probably has the best solution of being anonymous about it.

Remember! Once a cheat, always a cheat.
Joined: 11/30/2010
Msg: 63
view profile
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/19/2012 8:42:43 AM
A real friend would support and encourage her decision.

The question you'd have to ask yourself is, are you a real friend?
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 65
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/20/2012 4:17:24 AM
Don't people cheat so as not to get caught! telling the world I don't get it. With STD's running rampant I would let her boyfriend know....I sure as hell would want to know.
Joined: 3/17/2004
Msg: 66
view profile
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/20/2012 1:03:50 PM
Wow people are so judgemental. My take is the following......Never, ever, ever get in the middle of anybody's relationship. If you go and tell the man he's being cheated on he will confront her, she will tell him a convenient lie and he will believe her and you will come out of it as the bad guy. He won't trust you and neither will she....any more. So don't put yourself in this position. Why is she telling you these things? Answer=> Because she trusts you and she thinks you love her (as far as friends go) and feels you will not judge her.
Has she been dishonest with you? If not then I would not worry about your own relationship with her.

Obviously you are not comfy with her secret. So let her know that and make her back off.
Joined: 10/24/2008
Msg: 67
view profile
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/20/2012 3:44:32 PM
I have never been able to understand how people can cheat on someone they profess to care about.

I had a friend, A, who cheated on his boyfriend, B. By the time I went to stay with them early this year and got to know B properly, they were living together. A thought it was fun to go off with other guys, but laughed that we had no proof he ever cheated. B knew that A did it, and was upset by it, because he liked A more than A liked him. One night when we went out ended on a sour note when A got off with another guy.
I hated what A was doing to B. Unfortunately, it took a long time for me to ditch A as a friend. But on the other hand, B knew exactly what A was doing, but refused to walk away because he loved A. So because B was aware, I left them to it, and became friends with B before they broke up. After they broke up, B asked me what I knew of A's cheating, so I told him about the events I knew of. (All of which B knew anyway.)

For me, getting involved depends on two major factors:
1. Remorse. I knew some people who cheated on their partners, then completely regretted it. As far as I know, they came clean and told them, and learned from it.
2. Whether or not the partner knows. When A was cheating on B, I told A that I didn't approve, but I stayed out of it because B knew what was going on and still stuck around.
If the partner doesn't know, I would want them to know - whether the cheater tells them or I do. I can't control how the partner reacts to that information - they might break up the relationship, they might decide to stay with the cheater. I may not like it if they decide to remain with the cheater, but at the end of the day it's their choice. Knowledge is power... it's up to them what they do with the information.

I don't generally stay friends with cheaters, especially those who show no remorse - so I wouldn't care about losing the "friendship". It's not even the sleeping around - it's the deception and betrayal. If people want to be promiscuous, go ahead... but I'm not going to smile and nod while they cheat on someone to do it.

If I were being cheated on, I would want to know. Maybe I'm naive; maybe it's because I like knowing where I stand; maybe it's because I see cheating in such black-and white, and could never imagine doing it myself. At least if I know, I can make decisions based on that.
Joined: 10/24/2008
Msg: 68
view profile
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/20/2012 4:05:54 PM

Wow people are so judgemental. My take is the following......Never, ever, ever get in the middle of anybody's relationship. If you go and tell the man he's being cheated on he will confront her, she will tell him a convenient lie and he will believe her and you will come out of it as the bad guy. He won't trust you and neither will she....any more. So don't put yourself in this position. Why is she telling you these things? Answer=> Because she trusts you and she thinks you love her (as far as friends go) and feels you will not judge her.
Has she been dishonest with you? If not then I would not worry about your own relationship with her.

Obviously you are not comfy with her secret. So let her know that and make her back off.

1. If he believes the girlfriend, that's his lookout. I believe people should be informed. What they do with that knowledge is down to them.

2. The "trust" of someone who betrays someone's trust by cheating, doesn't mean much to me. Some other people here may feel the same. It depends if you care about being seen as the "bad guy". Someone has to be. Personally, I value my conscience more than that.

3. Why WOULD anyone be "comfy" with such a secret?
Joined: 3/17/2004
Msg: 70
view profile
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 3/13/2013 1:16:23 PM
I think of it sort of like this.....My friend is cheating on his girl friend. So what? Let me see, does he owe me money? Is he having sex with MY girl? No and
Joined: 3/3/2013
Msg: 71
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 3/13/2013 3:06:26 PM
People who cheat often do not carry, nor stand behind any morals. Being in a relationship consists of mutual trust and a foundation. If there is a lack of needs, desires, communications that aren't met why doesn't she terminate the relationship? This gives me incentive that she "keeps" him for either financial gain or because there is a "benefit" that she gains by being with him. Relationships, are similar to buildings if there is no foundation that supports the beams, that building is good as toast. Personally, I am not fond of cheaters/people who do not have any morals. I turned down this really beautiful girl because she had a boyfriend. I don't care if she wanted it. Just ask yourself, would you like it if your significant other was sleeping with someone else? How would you feel? Exactly.

Everyone is different, and maybe others here are more knowledgeable than I am. However, I am starting to feel that love/marriage no longer the main course meal, there's always that side dish that either one awaits to devour.... I can't tell you the endless "white collar" crazy relationships that my friends would share to me about their parents and others. In Westchester, It is not news when someone gets divorced. I heard stories like my dad woke up with herpes because of my mom... I walked in my house while my dad was escorting another woman out... my dad is divorcing my mom because he found her blowing another guy... back and fourth. Gold diggers exists too, they weep the grapes off the vineyards as they say. I understand that once money becomes nothing, individual's feel limitless, and tend to have this ego that gives them the Gordon Gekko's "greed is good" theory. However, understand if we continue to do these "acts" and allow ourselves to get away with it. It starts to become like a drug addiction, and somewhere along the line your going to end up at the crossroads where your cornered... How are you going to lie yourself out of that? Also, this could be related to Bernie Medoff. What cheaters do is the same way that Bernie Medoff performed. He knew it was wrong however, he was confident that he was going to get away with it. Since when did cheating for personal gain become a reward of success?

Growing up in my generation (1991 born) I have no respect for today's generation. The music, the relationships that have no morals, chicks wearing some slutty attire believing it is acceptable. Everything is about status, who has what, and who's got the best materialistic goods. Listen to the music that my generation listens to. From Kesha to Lil Wayne. Music that blurbs out sex, drugs, and materialistic goods. There's not even real vocal music (Beatles, The Beach Boys, real vocal music) Its just auto tuned. There's no more class. I feel like I live in world where people are designed to perfect their facades and falsify their beliefs so you can feel highly about them. There's nothing solid/structural anymore, every thing's liquidated. I guess that's what happens when our culture/society advances in great speeds. If no body steps up and says anything, cheating will become the next norm that would seem like its okay to do. Unless awareness is made, it will become a norm.

Bottom line, live a simple, clean, trustworthy life. Like a steak without fat. Its clean cut and perfect. If you cant commit to a relationship, why start one in the first place. Unless you have deviant intentions...
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 72
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 3/13/2013 4:46:27 PM
I suppose I would expand on what I said on here earlier, but... if someone I knew cheated *once* on their partner, as in - was on a business trip, got drunk in the hotel bar and "it happened", they seem to truly regret it and it's certainly not going to be an "ongoing thing"... I might keep their secret, not say anything and not "dump them as a friend". I wouldn't like it, but I might not just hop and end a friendship over it, or tell the other person (it would hurt them and my friend), *if* I felt they truly regretted it.

This is not that type of case. I wouldn't accept as a friend someone who feels it appropriate to cheat on their partner, carrying on an ongoing affair(s), behind their back. I still don't know as I would tell their partner, but I most certainly would walk away from the friendship.
Joined: 12/1/2011
Msg: 73
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 3/13/2013 5:28:10 PM
Post #91 has some great comments & perspective, esp. for such a young man. And they are quite astute, spot on on my humble opinion.
The fact every one has over looked, once He finds out, & then finds out every one else knew,or atleast others knew, AND never said any thing, that will hurt almost as much as her cheating. It is decieption times 1-2-4-75-100, who knows how many will know by the time he finds out. Have been on that end of the situation & let me tell you IT SUCKS!!!! Because now not only can you not trust your partner/spouse, but now you question your firends &/or family too. That makes you question your own judgement in choosing who to have in your life. All the while these that knew put up false fronts at gatherings, social events, acting like the best of friends to not only you, but to the cheater as well. How can that not cause one to question all of their character? The cheater & those that knew and said nor did nothing alike. If some one cares about you on any level of a relationship(family, spouse, partner, friend,ect...) they will tell you the truth in a compassionate manner. Yes it may risk the relationship in doing so, but it shows they care that much about you to take that risk. But is that worse than lying by omission, or deception, & having them find out you knew eventually? An old saying goes something like this..."The only thing evil needs to flourish, is for good people to do nothing about it"... And we wonder why todays society( as stated in post#91) is so messed up.... people today have not the courage to do the right thing, even if it is hard, hurts, or has risk.
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