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 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 36
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To what extent is something owed to your significant other?Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I haven't read the whole thread but he did definitely say it had something to do with sex basically.



They currently are trespassing into the sexual regions and I am not comfortable with this. I fear it will cause me to lose attraction because, simply put, the first link is just not sexy--AT ALL.


Maybe part of his problem was that his girlfriend had to be whatever to get the tat where she was getting it. Maybe he should have been happy she wasn't getting sleeves and that he would be the only one to see the tattoo.

The disappearing act makes him seem even more a douche than the post did.


It's eating at me. I find them distasteful, cheap, poor of taste, and a mark of how she doesn't respect me enough to ask if it is okay to place two very unappealing tattoos in a sexual place.


The second repost before he took off made it clear that he considered the tats as a bait and switch but hellooo. Some people get one or two and stop but logic dictates that if you date someone with a tattoo or a few they might get more, duh
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 37
To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/9/2012 7:01:41 PM
~~~~~
she thinks she should be able to do whatever she wants with her body and I have no say.
~~~~~
She doesn't just think this.. This happens to be true.

~~~
She never even asked if it was okay with me first
~~~
She doesn't have to ask your permission to get a tattoo on her own body.. Actually she doesn't have to ask your permission to do anything.. She can discuss it with you before hand, but in the end it *is* her decision and hers alone. I hate that my guy smokes and I tell him so often. It's way worse for you then getting tatts. I have no rights to expect him to quite because I don't like it. I either accept him smokes and all or I don't. That's my problem.. not his.

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She also has recently had some tattoos done that I think have really hurt how I feel about her sexually.
~~~~
You should be telling her this.. Not us. with the understanding that it's her body and her decision and what you think is not that only thing that matters.. She might think it makes her look better. She might disagree with your view completely.



~~~
Do I have a say in how my girl friend alters her body in a way I find less attractive.
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No. You are however entitled to tell her your feelings.

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Or am I not allowed to ask her to stop because it is being altered in a different direction then it was when we got together?
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You are allowed to ask her anything you want. The problem comes into play is that she doesn't have to change her mind about what she wants to do.


To be with someone.. especially talking long term like you are.. you have to be willing and able to talk about this stuff openly and honestly. This is not the hardest conversation you will ever need to have with her. Not if you end up with her long term. if you can't even broach this subject without accusing her or sounding judgmental, then you are going to have much bigger issues. If I were you.. i'd just tell her you love her and you love her body as it is and you are finding the tattoos to be taking away from that level of attraction.. i'd tell her that I know it's your decision, but I want you to know my feelings on it and what i'm afraid might happen if you continue to cover up your body..something along those lines.. etc..

Why is it so hard for people to just talk to each other..
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 38
To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/9/2012 9:30:53 PM
Men Owe and men must pay.
Women struggle too much to raise familys, the man not doing his share.
 Pete2205
Joined: 3/18/2011
Msg: 40
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To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/10/2012 12:13:02 PM
I wonder if he did..................I guess we will never know
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 41
To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/10/2012 12:52:29 PM
OP, the only one you have control over in a relationship is yourself. She has a right to her body and you have a right to yours. You can tell her how you feel and she can tell you how she feels about her tatoos but if there is no compromise or meeting of the minds, then you have two choices...either stay with this woman knowing she will continue to be graffitti'd (and with the knowledge that if you marry she will be this way forever and this is what the mother of your future children is going to look like) or tell her that you want something different than she does and this is where you are going to step off.

Because frankly, life is short and 90% of your happiness (or unhappiness) is determined by who are partnered with. You will be better off finding someone that makes you happy so you can make her happy, too.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 43
To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/10/2012 1:01:43 PM

I would argue that all the above is in no way relevant.
If you said what if someone deliberately disfigures them selves then maybe.
So the issue is not that the person's body is 'disfigured', it's that she didn't get 'permission' first. I asked similar questions to these in an earlier post to try to get to the heart of the issue. Is it that the OP no longer finds/will no longer find his partner attractive because she is (in his eyes) 'disfigured' or because he feels she *chose* to disfigure herself without his agreement?

Either he is shallow and would be turned off with a disfigurement, even if it was something beyond her control (mastectomy, for example) OR he is turned off because he wasn't asked if it was ok to get the tattoos. ie, it is shallowness vs control. Neither is an attractive trait.

I don't like lots of tattoos, baldness, or facial hair. But I am 100% confident that I would never consider leaving a partner because of those types of superficial changes.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 44
To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/10/2012 11:48:29 PM
~~
I'm also entitled to walk if I don't like it.
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Yep..

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But it is judgmental. There's no way around that fact. There's nothing wrong with that. People make judgments all the time. That's what brains are for. Trying to get around that just begs to be called on it. You can't turn a judgment call into something objective.
~~
I don't think so, just because a person does or does not like something doesn't make them judgmental. He doesn't like how they look on her.. that's not judgmental, it's just his preference. But we'll pretend it is just for you. Either way there is still a way to broach the subject so you can talk about it like an adult.

~~
What are you ``afraid might happen?'' That isn't communicating. That's being vague and not saying much of anything. What's wrong with just saying I don't like it and it's unattractive? If that doesn't make her think twice, I can find someone who isn't into covering herself in ink. Why make any of this complicated?
~~
Oh.. didn't realize I had to write out word for word what he should say. I figured he's smart enough to fill in the holes?. Plus.. he knows her better then we do and he'll know what might upset her. Hard to have a conversation about stuff if the first thing you say is viewed as an insult or put down... no? (I wouldn't view it that way.. but i know women who would)

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You say that as if leaving were a bad thing.
~~
Well.. sounds like he doesn't want to leave.. makes me think it is a bad thing to him. but no.. i'd say if he no longer finds her attractive so much so that he wants to leave, then it's probably not a bad thing.. eh?
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 45
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To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/11/2012 12:29:34 AM
It doesn't seem like the issue is tattoos at all to me. It does seem like he thinks the tattoos are trashy, therefor he is questioning if his girlfriend is trashier than he thought or that he feels her trashy taste might be a reflection of his taste in the "marrying kind". O.K. for girlfriend, not OK for wife. Yikes!

OP you better worry about your image of what is important in love and leave her body art alone.

The op needs to grow up and realize that in love you "owe" your support of another individual, not control.

If he doesn't like it, he can discuss it with her and accept her decision or he can not look at them, or he can adjust his thinking as to not judge her taste but just believe she just has different taste than him, or he can move on.

I also think that he isn't feeling very loved and the "too bad" attitude from her are a reflection of what he believes marriage Should look like.

He's old school, straighter and a bit sexist, she's not.

Won't be together long if they don't start looking at their own behavior, judgements and expectations.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 46
To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/11/2012 6:40:39 AM
The OP was just pissed because he did change things about himself to become more appealing to her, in order to 'get' her and now when he wants her to cave in and do the same, she wont.

Too bad. This is why people should always stay true to themselves. He has wasted time pretending to be something he is not and she wont play the same game.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 47
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To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/11/2012 9:28:17 AM
1. There's a reason they call them "tramp stamps". Sorry, to affend any tattoo aficianados, but, yes there is a segment of persons who will NEVER find them appealing. Most of this segment belongs to the business and upper eshelon folks. (yes, yes, I know..... maybe there are some isolated examples of business and upper class people here who like them. and plenty of other posters will have annecdotes to post here. Post away) But MANY people have been taught all their lives this: the choice of how a person grooms, dresses and chooses to take care of their bodies speaks volumes about who they are.

2. A person likes what they like and is replused by what looks disgusting to them. A man shouldn't be shot down for not being attracted to obese women(and we never know if it is their fault or not) -- so why is he JUDGEMENTAL if he is turned off by what a person CHOOSES to indelibly mark their bodies with. Some posters have said that if a person lost attraction for a mate who was accidentally burned or scarred. But that is NOT a fair compariison. There is a HUGE difference between being maimed in an accident, and deliberately going out and paying someone to mark your skin up permantly.

3. Yes, a husband and wife's bodies DO belong to each other. The OP has asked the woman not to get certain other tattoos, for the reasons he has indicated. But if she chooses to put her desires for the tats over his feelings, then she is the one who is being selfish. If so, SHE is the one who lost HIM.

RUN LIKE THE WIND, OP!!!!! DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU YOU ARE 'SHALLOW' OR 'WRONG' BECAUSE THE TATS WOULD REPULSE YOU!!! RUN!!!!
 Love.Notes
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 48
To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/11/2012 12:29:13 PM
Everyone has an idea of what's ok and what's not ok to them. The point is that you have your limits as well. You love her but you don't love the tattoos and you find them trespassing into your sexual regions. It's ok for you to not love everything the woman does. It's her body she can do what she likes with it. It would be easier on all parties if she simple discussed this with you but as it stands she doesn't see this as a problem, only you do.

So seeing that "you only' have a problem with this and not her. No matter how much you love her you don't love her tattoos that's never going to change. (in your mind) My suggestion is to talk to your lovely lady friend and explain how you feel about her tattoos and how it makes her less sexually attractive to you. She may end up saying well honey there's there door. I'm not changing. OR she could say let me think about this and see if I want to stop here. This is something only the two of you can discuss and come to an agreement. If not, nothing is stopping you from leaving.
 Asarat11
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 49
To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/11/2012 1:37:20 PM
Yuck, this is the problem with relationships, two individuals who feel they have the right to control each other. We don't try to change our friends into who we need them to be, we appreciate the good things they offer us. Funny, how that concept flies out the window when you're "in love".
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 50
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To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/11/2012 1:51:47 PM
Those are some horrible tattoos in the first link. It's always hilarious when people get really bad tattoos; it's pretty much a note permanently etched on someone that says "I don't have discerning tastes."

Getting tattoos is fine and personal preference, but getting them done by a bad tattoo artist shows a lack of taste. A good tattoo artist will normally try and discourage someone getting bad art in general, and it normally works.
 Asarat11
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 52
To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/11/2012 2:39:01 PM
And if her response was that they were reflective of her personality and artistic expression - would you respect that or question her right to her own opinion? If you question her opinion - doesn't that indicate a lack of respect? And, as such, then aren't you not intended to be in a relationship with her?
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 53
To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/11/2012 3:12:55 PM
To be there for a significant other, you must be there first for yourself OP
 Asarat11
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 55
To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/11/2012 5:41:06 PM
You can tell her she's an idiot, but you're right, then you two would probably be over. LOL. I wouldn't date someone that I view as an idiot. It is hard when someone lacks the knowledge that you have; I love music, lots of music, am I one who has studied music history and understands every chord, bridge, note, lyric and its intent - nope. I just like what I like. If someone called me an idiot for that, I would respect their knowledge based opinion, but then I'd go dancing (without that person).
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 56
To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/11/2012 6:01:05 PM
~~~
You are being obtuse, deliberately or otherwise. Liking or not liking something is judgment if ever anything was a judgment.
~~~
Um no.. Not liking something someone does or has gotten done to themselves or is wearing (whatever the case may be) does not make one judgmental. Deciding she's scum simply because she has a tatt would be, but saying "i don't like how they look on her and I find her less attractive with them" is not judgmental. It's an opinion, a preference.

~~
What ``holes?'
~~
Ya know.. where he should enter his own thoughts and feelings instead of what I think his thoughts and feelings are?? Try to keep up...

Ya know.. we basically agree.. so i don't really get what you are getting at?


~~
99% of the time I'm not sure what this woman is talking about either. I'm fairly sure she doesn't either.
~~
You do realize that we have vastly different views of the world and vastly different experiences. I don't see things the way you do.. Sorry if that makes you unable to understand me. At least I can make my points without attempting to insult your person or anyone you happen to be with. Stating my views and opinion is not manipulation simply because you fail to understand them.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 57
To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/11/2012 7:24:04 PM
1) her body, her choice. 0f course, this simple statement gets messy when its in reference to a baby, created by two bodies. but back to the point, her body is a gift she shares, not a gift she gives. she can't give it to you, that constitutes slavery. so she can do with it what she thinks is right, just as you are in the right to find it not sexy. your opinion only counts for you, just as her opinion counts only for her.

2)you knew her thoughts on tattoos, hopefully she knew your's, too. whether she did or didn't care, doesn't matter. there's only one person you can ever control in life, and that's yourself. so, on to point three:

3)she's an adult, let her make her mark, or mistake. if you turn out to find it not a sexual turnoff, great. if you do, then you can still love her but not be your lover. your life won't end. you will find someone else. but people change over time, and you may. or maybe she will and get the tats removed. who knows? i doubt you will until the damage gets done...and like i said, there ain't much you can do except handle it at your end. that's why we allow divorces to occur.

4) let me repeat it again--you won't self destruct if you find her unsexy. you know what the Tshirt says, if you love her, set her free (to do what she wants). you may find its not as big a deal. you may find its worse than you thought. strength isn't about stopping disasters (you can't stop anyway), its bouncing back from them.

if you think, gee, its more complicated than that...then, you're right, it is. but who's making it that way?
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 59
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To what extent is something owed to your significant other?
Posted: 12/12/2012 2:02:32 PM
hahaha

it is not about tatoos, lots of guys like sexy well thought of tatoos if women have them , it is about taste. i dated one crazy girl , fell in love with her then I saw her tat in the back that said i love to take it up the arse, I was like damn too much hen she wore short blouses , I guess she did it to shock people, bad tastes in partners could be a guy with a womwn and the guy farts and burps in public or another woman I dated was so beautiful some people said she was like a barbie but what came out of her mouth was very crude at dinner at my house blowjob jokes with animals was to her funny but to me it was like over.

People bad tastes kill relationships too like higine.

What guy would date lady GAGA with her artichoke or meat dress, well the meat is good for a BBQ later if it does not smell bad.
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