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Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 22
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Lied about Martial statusPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
The russian's have a dating website (can't state in on pof) specifically setup for women looking for lifestyle change. Its the coolest culture. On the very first meet dudes are expected to imprint the pattern of their credit card number and expiry date onto their forehead. They arrive early and just sorta roll and hold it for 30 seconds. Cafes don't always have restrooms so men do this out in the front, in public.. Messy imprints are an immediate nogo. There are vids on youtube chicks jotting the numbers, everyone smiling. Cellphone photos of these pics can be found- numbers blurred. Its sweet.Guys aren't exactly the most dateable dorks but they're happy.
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 23
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Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 12:15:07 PM
To protect yourself, always ask very early in the relationship any deal breaking questions such as marital status, "do you have children", "do you want children", etc. Remember what YOU want and always be on the lookout for what YOU are looking for...if the fish is married I would throw him back immediately for obvious reasons. If recently separated, there is still much for him to go through with divorce/emotional healing/financial issues etc, so I would throw him back too...I would not date a guy with a separated status...Divorced is divorced and free to move on to wherever things may lead.
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 24
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Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 12:39:20 PM

I would not date a guy with a separated status...Divorced is divorced and free to move on to wherever things may lead.

See, it's this kind of statement that leads to people lying. Everyone and everyone's situation is unique so generalizing and assuming things just makes life difficult for some. I have a friend who has been "separated" from her husband for over 10 years. They are still on reasonably friendly terms and there is no baggage or drama in their lives related to their relationship (other than the usual occasional parenting issue). They just never bothered to file any divorce papers. Now he wants to remarry so they will finally get the paperwork done. So would you date someone who had been separated for 10 years? 7 years? 5 years? Where's the threshold?

The whole separated vs. divorced debate has been done ad nauseum on POF. It's a dogmatic issue for some. But people having strong opinions and being narrow minded is something that is rampant in our world over any number of issues.

As I said, I am honest about my "status". Does it stop many women from talking to me? Most likely. Is that fair? Most likely not as they never take the time to find out anything about me and my situation. But that's life, it isn't fair so I deal with it as best as I can.

But the stigma of being separated is what causes men (and women) to lie about it. I've met plenty of women who lied about various things on their profiles too. It's not a gender specific issue. As Dr. House said, everyone lies :-) Lately I actually considered changing my status to single. My marriage was done a long time ago and the divorce should have been done by now if my ex had been reasonable and worked a few things out with me. Instead, it's delayed while we sort out a couple issues. So does that mean I'm not ready to share my life with somebody else just because some piece of paper says I'm still legally married? I'm not looking to rush into marrying anyone else. If I ever do that again it will take some time with a lady to make sure we really are right for each other. By that time my divorce will have been finalized long before. So what does it matter if someone has moved on emotionally and the baggage and drama is well packed and dealt with?

But back to the original issue which seems to be more about the man the OP met lying. I am of two minds. I don't like it when a woman had lied on her profile but if it is one lie and the rest is good I might take the time to get to know her. Some will say lying about being separated or divorced is big lie but he did come clean at the first meet. Would he have got that first meet and had a chance for them to get to know each other if his profile showed "separated"? I guess the OP needs to answer that. But in my experience it is the way women treat separated men that makes them lie about it.
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 2:09:21 PM
I see your side of things here but do not agree with you. There is NO good reason to lie. I also place no stigma on someone being divorced - damn, half the world is divorced! My first husband cheated on me. I have never, ever cheated on a man, even in a dating relationship. I do realize that it is ok with some women (and men) if you are separated but to me, saying you are divorced means you are divorced - no grey area there. I make it clear in any conversations on this site that this is a deal-breaker to me as I would never, under any circumstances, want to be "that woman". It is a personal thing to me and is very important to me. However, even though I cannot make it any more clear, I am constantly lied to by men on this site.

If you are truly separated and comfortable in dating, be honest and say so. If you lie right off the bat, that tells me you're going to easily lie in a real relationship. If I'm okay with you being separated, then that's fine, but be honest. When you are totally honest, you can certainly set the stage for a better relationship with the right person. And, honestly? Most of the men I have talked to on this site are married. Go fix your life before starting a new chapter. If the "almost-ex" is being difficult, then go get that resolved. Did you ever stop to think that lying might be part of the problem??
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 2:10:49 PM
I totally agree but most of these guys lie about being married. I have found that, when I meet someone in person, I ask them to show me their home. The immediate result of this is either, "Sure" or, that's when the truth comes out.
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 27
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 2:29:22 PM

Posted By: nubeginnings64 on 12/30/2012 107 PM
Subject: Lied about Martial status

Message: I was separated a long time before divorcing & can relate since I did the same thing. Being separated was a bulls-eye on my forehead for women, freshly divorced or separated themselves, looking for nothing more than casual dating & sex. Most understood my reasoning. Had I just wanted booty calls it would have been easier to get by leaving my status as separated.

Had you just wanted to be honest, you could have been. It does not matter to me why someone misrepresents the truth (unless it is literally a life-and-death situation, which is almost never the case). All that matters is that they misrepresented the truth.

If I accept that you "shade" the truth for a self-serving purpose in one situation, I could only expect you would do so when faced with the next situation/opportunity. I'm sure many people are o.k. with what you did but I would not be.
Joined: 1/30/2010
Msg: 28
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 2:51:54 PM
I agree chatting/emailing for weeks does not appeal to me. I did that a few times and thought I was meeting "the one" but face to face not that person. Please keep in mind we all can write anything to make ourselves appear to be compatible. It is the meet ups that help us make good decisions.
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