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 AUTHOR
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 4
Cheated on, how will I trust again?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Once you get past the 5th time of being cheated on,it's all gravy from that point on. The thing with cheating is that usually it's the person that has been cheated on that ends up with the "emotional" hurt, not the one doing the extra body fluid swapping. You have to get your head around that you didn't do anything wrong, he did. And yes,the actions of another can hurt us, but, for how long is up to you. Easy to say, hard to do.
 makavali7dayz3
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 10
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Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 1/17/2013 7:46:23 AM
If you want to find love you have too. 9/10 times if the same partner cheats once they will do it again, and unless your head over heels in love you need to cut them loose. You have to give new partners the benefit of the doubt.
 Caligirl8167
Joined: 12/8/2012
Msg: 18
Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 1/21/2013 11:31:13 AM
Gosh - Thank you. This was such a thoughtful and accurate description of how I am feeling and gives a different perspective for me rather to continue beating myself up about what I did not see. I need to copy your post and hang it up on my bathroom mirror to remind myself. Again...great stuff. LOVE and NAMASTE'
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 20
Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 1/21/2013 2:47:26 PM
When you start living life waiting for the next betrayal to take place, eventually it will.

When you allow yourself to forget, to forgive and move on. Then look in the next relationship at the things that may be missing, that you can aport, so they are happy in the relationship. Otherwise, you are creating a self fulfilling prophesy.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 23
Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 1/22/2013 6:15:54 PM
And your smile is back! Gurl, I am so happy to see that.

I agree that is it best not to talk with him. One thing these kind have in common is a need for the last word aimed at trying to make everything they did your fault.

Hugs.
 alexadey
Joined: 5/14/2012
Msg: 26
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Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 1/24/2013 2:49:12 AM
I think a hope we all have here is that the past doesn't have to be the template for the future. Just as you probably know other men and women that may have cheated, you most surely know other men and women that haven't, so you know everyone isn't the same just as you aren't the same as anyone or everyone else. People are unique as are situations while at the same time both are sometimes just small variations from others as well. Isn't that why some books or movies or stories speak to our hearts? We recognize something in them from our own lives to some extent, in our wishes or dreams or nightmares or experiences. Shakespeare knew human nature very well and his works still hold up today because of it. Humans have been around a while, been in relationships a while, with some people cheating and some being loving and loyal, all for a while. The hurt is in the memory and while it can be diminished, it can be recalled too, so the memory needs to get put into more long term memory by filling up the short term with healthier "filler" of various types. Fresh memories hurt the most. Add some new ones. Be careful with your heart without putting up the wrong kind of walls. We can all be fooled but that doesn't mean we are inherently fools.... trusting is the only way to have what we want in a healthy way.
 LG2727
Joined: 1/20/2010
Msg: 34
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Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 1/28/2013 7:42:21 PM
well, I hope that means you have kicked Romeo to the curb... now, the next guy you date seriousely, you have a little chat when the "exclusive dating" conversation comes....This is what I told them...if you dont want me to cheat on you, then dont cheat on me...and if you do, know one thing...I can do it better...and I will. Men like to give themselves the little "boys will be boys" pep talk so they dont have to be held accountable, tell them you're just not buying that crap anymore. Be good or be gone...simple to the point but you have to mean it. now, look at this as a step forward, you got rid of a loser! Good luck with the next one,I hear there are some good ones out there, not sure what rocks they are hiding under though...
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 42
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Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 2/9/2013 7:37:17 AM
It was in 2004, in July. She did the cheating.
And quite frankly I was shocked, really thought we are going to be one of those couple, married for 50 years.
If I want to be honest, trusting someone has been hard for me. It's always in a back of my mind.
Not to the extent of me constantly worrying, spying on her, but once happens, it might happen again.
So maybe I would rather just not go through that again?
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 46
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Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 2/10/2013 6:54:37 PM

Understandable, but unfair to the chosen partner(s) - this is what I'm hoping to avoid, myself. Effectively, you're just still going through it. Which must be awful! I'm sorry to hear it.

I don't think I am still going through it, as it happened over 7 years ago..
Yes, it is unfair so I am glad I am not looking for anything serious.
 MazingBlue007
Joined: 2/5/2013
Msg: 50
Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 2/17/2013 10:49:57 AM
NHRA Enough with the Phucking drama already!!! Your worse than a teenage girl i swear
 jsmyth06
Joined: 11/5/2011
Msg: 54
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Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 2/23/2013 8:22:53 PM
Well, just know that he was a piece of garbage. I don't buy that old bit that if someone cheats there is probably something wrong with the relationship. Well you know what? HOW ABOUT YOU TALK IT!!!! Or better yet, if you start thinking about doing that, do yourself and your partner a favor and just END IT!!!.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 56
Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 3/29/2013 8:24:55 PM
Full disclosure: Here’s a view from someone who was cheated on and who is now cheating. To those who wish to comment on this message: Please put down any knives and pointed objects before replying.


(Msg #1. HelenBackAgain) I knew something was wrong between us, but another woman was the last thing I'd have thought.



(Msg #38) If it were someone less crazy, that might help with closure, but this guy, well, I talked about some of his loony stuff on the topic about dating someone with borderline personality disorder (which, as a layperson, I cannot diagnose but strongly suspect he may have). Not only can I not believe anything he says, it isn't particularly likely to make sense, either, and I also know from accumulated painful experience that the real him is severely lacking in empathy.



(Msg #51) Oh definitely. As noted, I knew there was something wrong between us - he'd been pushing me away a lot, and picking fights over nothing. I just didn't suspect that the problem included another woman.


So you knew there were major problems, not just little disagreements. It’s amazing how people will be in a relationship they know is completely malfunctioning yet they never consider their partner would cheat. That was me in my first marriage. I just accepted the lack of intimacy/closeness as “it is what it is” and continued on until she came right out and told me. The “best part” is she suggested I move out and work on the marriage. Try to win her back. I’m serious. That’s exactly what she told me. I suppose her gonads were bigger than mine.

Two days later my father passed away and when I returned for the funeral (3000 miles away) I never went back. I sent her money to ship my personal belongings and that was the end of it. She has hated me for the last 25 years. I saw her at Christmas when I was visiting my son. Her husband and my wife both observed her attitude towards me, the husband explaining her attitude was due to the stroke she had and my wife having had to tell her to stop talking about me when I was outside having a cigarette.

In Msg # 54 LG2727 writes,
This is what I told them...if you dont want me to cheat on you, then dont cheat on me...and if you do, know one thing...I can do it better...and I will. Men like to give themselves the little "boys will be boys" pep talk so they dont have to be held accountable, tell them you're just not buying that crap anymore. Be good or be gone...simple to the point but you have to mean it.


Amen to that! When I met my second wife she asked what I expected from a relationship. “What are you looking for? What do you want from a relationship?” The words had barely left her lips when I replied, “Sex!” We had only recently been intimate so we both had a good laugh.

But I continued. I told her I was serious. I was not looking for someone to cook my dinner or do my laundry or have stimulating conservations over dinner or a TV buddy to sit with me or any other particular thing. I would be nice if she did some or all of those things but the bottom line is sex. If sex is regular couples tend to want to do those things for/with their partner.

In Msg #58 Rutki writes,
I fully believe now, if someone is not getting "it" at home they ARE FOR SURE getting it somewhere else!!


Exactly! After five years of declining sex I decided it was time to get it elsewhere. After five years of discussions and excuses I asked my wife if I there was anything I could do to change things. She shrugged her shoulders so I asked if she wanted a divorce.

“Of course not. Are you nuts? I love you!” she replied. I just don’t feel in the mood for sex. In all fairness she did say she would be open to the occasional “pity f**k” if I give her a few days’ notice. Needless to say I never took her up on that offer.

What I’m trying to say, HelenBackAgain, is when people cheat it’s not usually to deliberately hurt their partner or make a fool of them or…..the reason is the relationship. The motivation of the cheater is to do something for themselves, not to do something against someone else.

As one poster noted an affair doesn’t just happen. Nobody accidently falls in bed. On the other hand usually circumstances/the relationship has come to a point where that is seen as the only solution. Either have an affair or end the relationship which brings up my final thoughts.

We are constantly told sex does not make a relationship. Only a fool would marry/partner with someone strictly for sex. Compatibility in a number of areas is vital. From communication to how they handle money to how they raise children…the list is quite endless. I can only speak to my situation but my wife is happy with the relationship and I am happy so why would I dissolve it over sex when I can obtain that elsewhere while not denying my wife anything?

Maybe your boyfriend is trying to tell you something similar. The cheated on person usually wonders why their partner would hurt them but the intentions and actions of the cheater were never to hurt their partner. In most cases the cheater wants to stay with their partner. In my case finances are not a concern. My wife has a very good job and I am comfortably retired. If one loves a person, I mean really loves the person, would they prefer to deal with infidelity or have the person completely leave their life?

Again, I can only speak to my case but my wife has made it clear she loves me and is happy with me. Why would I hurt her by saying I’m leaving or deliberately rub her nose in the fact I’m seeking sex elsewhere? What would that accomplish? If you can accept your boyfriend didn’t deliberately hurt you you’ll be able to deal with this much quicker.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 58
Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 3/30/2013 6:48:13 AM
(Msg #85. HelenBackAgain) Don't try to justify his pathetic actions in order to justify your own behavior. That's a logic fail, because it's a completely different situation - we were not married and had not stopped having sex - and it's also topic hijacking. Start your own topic to talk about your stuff.


I was not trying to justify my actions. After five years of discussions with my wife my actions are more than justified.

As to hijacking I was merely giving you another point of view. As I frequently stated, "I can only speak to my case..." In msg #1 you wrote,
Thoughts? Advice?
At least be civil enough to say you disagree with me rather than accuse me of hijacking your thread. On the other hand your demeanor when dealing with someone who is offering "thoughts and advice" which YOU requested certainly sheds light on the whole situation.

Carry on.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 63
Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 5/30/2013 11:00:01 AM
Look at it as a blessing in disguise. You had problems in your relationship, but neither you or him were properly able to verbalize or resolve the issue. People can live for years in this state and not do something because something feels better than nothing. Partly numb is better than in pain.

So he cheating brings closure. A chance to end it all, and end it with a clean conscience in your part. My ex cheated on me. Many years later when we had put the past behind and could talk like friends, she told me that for many years she felt extremely guilty for doing so. Yet I never felt guilt.

Can you trust again? You should. Why? Because the actions of one person do not make the actions of another and when we live life through suspicion, lack of trust, fear, resentment, those things manifest themselves on the new people that enter our lives. So allow yourself to love again, allow yourself to trust again, allow yourself to be vulnerable again and the next person may as well reciprocate those qualities.

Another thing that we can learn from when someone cheats on us, or deceives us, is the part that we had in the making of those actions. Was it our lack of communication, lack of sex, lack of personal time, of was it that is was simply not meant to be and that other person was simply and opportunistic cheater?
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 67
Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 5/30/2013 8:41:44 PM
just remember we have one life to live and you dont want to waste your time pondering why the other cheated .
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 70
Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 6/1/2013 8:29:44 PM
HelenBackAgain- I am sorry this happened to you.
I found out after 15 years of marriage that my ex had been lying to me from the beginning, he wasn't cheating, but what he did do hurt do bad I think it would have hurt less if he had.
I tried to save the marriage, but there was no unringing the bell and six years after I found out about all his lies, I left.
Like you, I experienced as lot of self doubt, How could I have not known?
Three years later here's what I've learned-
It wasn't my fault and what happened to you isn't your fault. No one asks to be deceived.
I never knew him, the person I loved was an illusion, he hid who he was from me, this is also what happened to you.
I don't blame myself anymore and with time, you won't either.
You are justified in being scared and wary, but look at it this way-if you never trust again, he wins.
Don't let him do that to you, you can't get back the time he took from you, but you can take back your power by realizing you are a good person worthy of being treated right.
You will heal with time, so give yourself the time you need, but also keep your hear open.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 72
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Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 6/3/2013 8:21:16 PM
Yup. Been there. I make it a point to try and not project the faults of an ex on to someone else. I find I have more trouble trusting my own judgement than I do trusting others. On the other hand, my radar and BS detector are much more highly tuned than they used to be.
 zolftic
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 75
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Cheated on, how will I trust again?
Posted: 6/4/2013 11:53:31 PM
Helen and to all others feeling your heart is broken. I say get right back into dating and while you do, take the time to pay attention to your gut feels as they happen. Also, write about redundant behaviors you are doing and, what you do not like about the person. There are "Triggers" which happen and that is your alarm going of so rather a good or not so good trigger happens "Pay Attention" to who and what the other person is about.

Helen see the advantages of your ex cheating. He lacks in moral judgement, integrity, ethical behaviors. he is weak

In your next relationship, find out more about the person - have they been a cheater, are you noticeing he contradictes himself - the least little trigger that tells you his story is different.

Know that loving a person is not enough to keep a relationship together after all, you can love and not be compatible. The sex can be great and it does not keep a relationship together.

In time you may come to know what happened. know that it is not you because, when a person cheats usually they fail to talk to the other about what they are bothered with.

So, do your homework and at the same time get back out there and date. taking a couple of days to grieve is good much more will interfere with your overall wellbeing and happiness. I would like to know how you are doing. Thank you
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